The Calm Before THE LIAM SMITH SHOW Episode 3.35 - "The Calm Before" Written by Jason Gaston 1 EXT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD MOON WATCHTOWER 1 Establishing shot. 2 INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD MOON WATCHTOWER: MONITOR ROOM 2 Hundreds of television screens are tuned in to hundreds of channels. We see CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, ABC News, Comedy Central, VH-1, MTV, Galavision, Lifetime, PAX, BBC, and Jigglevision. The camera pans over to CAPEMAN sitting is a chair watching all of them and brooding. ULTRAWOMAN enters. ULTRAWOMAN There you are! I've been paging you for an hour! I... She sees him. ULTRAWOMAN Is something wrong? (she gets it) Oh God... It's time, isn't it? Capeman nods. CAPEMAN Yes... It's all about to come together... Or fall apart, whatever you want to call it. ULTRAWOMAN But, it's too soon! I mean, I just learned about Worldkiller and what happened to you and... Jesus, Capeman, I haven't had enough time to come up with any new plans or... CAPEMAN The old plans will work just fine. Capeman stands and offers her his hand. CAPEMAN Walk with me. Ultrawoman takes his hand and the two walk out. 3 INT. A CORRIDOR 3 Capeman and Ultrawoman walk down the corridor. ULTRAWOMAN You know, you still haven't apologized to Captain Spaz about that whole Clown Clone debacle. CAPEMAN I'm sorry, but I just can't. The team needs to be strong in the days ahead and we can't have that with that lump of dead weight on board. ULTRAWOMAN He's never failed us in the past. CAPEMAN Right, and how many times have you had to pluck his useless ass out of the fire? ULTRAWOMAN Point taken, but he's a member of the squad. Useless in your eyes or not, he does his part. CAPEMAN (reluctant) All right. ULTRAWOMAN And it wouldn't hurt you to make peace with him... You know... Before... (a beat) He thinks very highly of you. CAPEMAN He does not. ULTRAWOMAN We all do. You did some pretty rotten things before you turned over a new leaf... You've won all of our respect. Even Captain Spaz who you belittle on a daily basis. Capeman considers this. CAPEMAN All right. I'll make the effort. ULTRAWOMAN That's all I ask. CAPEMAN I've got to get back to planet side. There's a few things I want to do... You know, before... ULTRAWOMAN I understand. Capeman walks off. Ultrawoman stands there in the dark for several beats watching him go. 4 INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT 4 Liam is sitting on the couch watching TV. TV You're watching a 24 hour Kari Wuhrer jiggle-thon on Jigglevision! Coming up next, it's Kari's superhero debut. After the failed Bootygirl movie, Kari made a comeback to the comics-turned-movie genre with the smash hit, XXX Men! LIAM (watches) Wow, those girls really ARE mutated! The telephone rings. He answers it. LIAM KSUX is my favorite radio station with continuous classics and fun! VOICE (over phone) Liam, this is Kari Wuhrer. LIAM (sarcastic) Suuuuuuuuuuuure it is. VOICE (over phone) Liam, this is very important. I was thinking about what happened earlier this year between us and I never got a chance to thank- LIAM Thad, is that you? You know, that girly voice of yours was fun when we were screwing around with that truck driver over the CB radio, but now it's just sick. You do that voice a little *too* well if you catch my drift. VOICE (over phone) Liam, I really want to meet with you. LIAM Oh sure, "Kari", when? VOICE (over phone) I'll send you some plane tickets to come to Hollywood where I'm shooting a submarine drama, Das Booty. LIAM HA! Kari's shooting a submarine drama called The Hunt for Miss October! VOICE (over phone) We changed it. Please come! LIAM Sure... WHAT-ever. Liam hangs up. LIAM Tuh! It didn't even SOUND like Kari Wuhrer! 5 INT. A MOVIE SET 5 KARI WUHRER hangs up a phone and walks away. -------------------------------------------------------------- THEME SONG (Sung to the theme of "The Jeffersons" Well, you better perk up! (Better perk up!) 'Cause it's time! (Better perk up!) For the internet show that's one of a... Drew Fangtastic walks by and, with a flick of his wrist, severs the singer's jugular vein. The singer falls to the ground dead as the backup singers run away screaming. DREW Bloody olé already! FADE OUT: --------------------------------------------------------------

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

Starring

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"

Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"

and
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

Also Starring

Neil Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"

Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"

Gary Dordan
as
"Tempus"

RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"

Reese Whitherspoon
as
"Kathy Hilter"

David Peckinpah
as
"Satan"

Marina Sirtis
as
"Senestra Malevolous"

Scrappy Doo

and
Best in Show Winner Jason Gaston
as
"Donner"

Special Guest Stars

Anthony Hopkins
as
"Shackelford"

William Shatner
as
"William Shatner"

and
Kari Wuhrer

Wardrobe for today's show furnished by the closing sale at K-Mart.

FADE IN: 6 INT. GARY'S APARTMENT 6 Gary enters with a sack full of what looks like groceries, but as soon as he starts unpacking them, we see that it's actually a couple of dozen "Dragonball Z" action figures. He looks up from the action figures and reacts in shock and horror. GARY RODDENBERRY'S GHOST!!! Gary drops all of his action figures as the camera pans over to reveal a glowing orb of light in the middle of the room. Gary creeps a little closer to investigate. GARY Wow! It's like a Pagh Wraith or an Orb of Bajor! Maybe if I touch it, it will give me insight or whisk me back in time on a magical adventure! Coolness! Gary reaches out and touches the orb. There is a surge of energy and Gary flies backwards into the wall destroying a partially completed plastic model of a Cylon Raider. GARY Sum'bitch! That was totally jerkin! I gotta tell the guys about this! 7 INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT 7 LIAM, THAD, BIPPO, DONNER, and ARTURO are talking. LIAM ...and then, she said she wanted to meet me and was sending plane tickets. All right, guys. Fess up. Who was it? THAD It wasn't me, man! I learned my lesson last time I used my girly voice on the CB with that truck driver! I was pulling rusty nails out of my skull for a month! BIPPO I can't crank call anymore. Not since that Sidney bitch finked me out to the cops. Ask a simple question about a favorite scary movie and, next thing you know, it's back to prison! Everyone looks at Bippo. THAD Bippo, that was uh... Scream. BIPPO Man, it sure was. Rimshot. DONNER Well, don't look at me! I've got better things to do than to torment you. I've been on the phone three days straight with lawyers trying to get DonCo out of hock. Liam looks at Arturo. ARTURO You can't possibly be thinking that I'M the one that called you! It's so beneath me. LIAM Well, if it wasn't you guys, then who? Stacy? Chocolate Treat? Drew? BIPPO Does Drew have a girly voice? THAD Whack him in the jimmy with a crucifix and he does. The real question is, does Chocolate Treat have a girly voice? GARY barges in. GARY Guys, it's the coolest thing! You've got to come and see! ARTURO This had better not be another Attack of the Clones commercial you've taped off of the TV and want us to analyze with you frame by frame. GARY Okay, we'll skip that part. But there is an even cooler thing I want to show you! Come on! Gary runs out. Liam, Bippo, Thad, Arturo, and Donner watch him go and then go back to their conversation. DONNER Maybe it's Senestra Malevolous who called you. She does have a Kari Wuhrer quality to her voice. Gary stomps back in. GARY Are you guys going to come see or not? LIAM No. We just told you we would so you'd leave the room. GARY WHAT!? THAD Eh, get out of here you little bitch! GARY But... BIPPO Shut up, you little bitch! Go away! GARY I just... LIAM Gary, quit being a little bitch and leave us alone! GARY If you guys call me "little bitch" about twenty or thirty more times, I SWEAR I'm never speaking to you again! Stacy enters. STACY What are you guys arguing about? GARY (whining) Stacy, I was trying to get them to look at something but they made fun of me and... STACY Oh, stop whining you little bitch and be a man! Now, what's all this about? DONNER Gary wants us to look at something but we don't want to and now the little bitch won't go away. GARY Stop calling me "little bitch!" STACY So, if you guys want to placate this little bitch- GARY DAMMIT! STACY -go see what he wants and then maybe he'll leave you alone. LIAM All right. THAD Yeah, let's go see what the little bitch wants. They file out the door. GARY I'm warning you, Thad! DON'T CALL ME LITTLE BITCH! There is a low growl from off camera. Gary jumps. GARY Sorry! 8 INT. GARY'S APARTMENT 8 Liam, Arturo, Thad, Bippo, Stacy, Donner, and Gary enters. DONNER God, this whole room reeks of BO, testers glue, noxema, model paint, sour cream and onion, and little bitchy-ness! GARY Stop CALLING ME LITTLE BITCH! STACY All right, Gary, what's the big deal? Where's this amazing thing you want to show us? GARY It's in my... STACY If you say "pants", that quote/unquote amazing thing won't be there for long. GARY I'm sorry, but you know that I still have feelings for you that I will never be able to expunge from my being. STACY Oh, Gary... That's a sentiment I will carry near and dear to my heart for as long as it takes for me to finish this sentence. BIPPO (to Gary) C'mon, little bitch! Where's this thing you wanted to show us at!? ARTURO And if this is another boil in the shape of Dirk Benedict's head, so help me... Gary points GARY THAT! And stop calling me little bitch. Everyone looks at the orb of light in the middle of the room. BIPPO Oh, hey! It's one of those! LIAM Yeah, but... What IS it? BIPPO You got that at Spencers Gifts, didn't you? I like going in the back and sticking my tongue to the shocky electricity things. It makes me all tingly. Everyone gathers around it. ARTURO Obviously this is of some importance, but I cannot begin to say what. EVERYONE Duh. THAD (to Gary) All right, little bitch, where'd you get it? GARY I didn't "get" it from anywhere! And stop calling me little bitch! STACY I bet it's from outer space! LIAM Then what's it doing here? I mean, off all places, why in Gary the "Little Bitch" Fanboy's apartment? GARY DON'T CALL ME... OOOO! This is a like a first contact situation and I'm Earth's ambassador! Gary clears his throat and makes the Vulcan hand salute to the object. GARY Greetings in the name of Earth! I welcome you! Klaktu Barada NICKto! Qua'pla! Spreken see doych? Se habla Español? DONNER (aside) The little bitch has gone off the deep end. GARY (enraged) STOP CALLING ME LITTLE BITCH, DONNER!!! Gary picks up a lamp and throws it at Donner as hard as he can, but lacking any real upper body strength, it crashes into the orb of light which explodes in a blinding white light. Everyone covers their eyes. VOICE It's about damned time! I though you guys would NEVER going to figure out I needed a little extra surge of energy to get out of orb form. Liam begins to uncover his eyes. LIAM Hey! I know that voice! It's... The light fades revealing... LIAM HARRY THE HANDYMAN! HARRY I was once known as Harry the Handyman, but I have become so much more than Harry the Handyman ever was. Now, you may call me... Harry THE Handyman. LIAM But there's no difference. HARRY There's extra emphasis on THE now. Arturo walks up with a huge grin on his face and shakes Harry's hand. ARTURO Harry the Handyman, as I live and breathe! We thought you were dead! HARRY Harry did die that day, professor, but in another way... He was born. ARTURO What? HARRY One can say that... my life ended, but that my life also began. ARTURO Huh? HARRY I was fried, but I was also sauted. ARTURO You've lost me. DONNER I think he's not only saying that he's a retard, but he's a dipstick as well. HARRY I've been living and exploring a higher plane for the last year and a half and have seen things that are indescribable. THAD So how would you describe them? HARRY Bright, colorful, and pretty. STACY But what brings you back here now? GARY Oh, this is like one of those things like in 2010 when David Bowman came back to... HARRY Shut up, little bitch and listen. I can't stay long... It took almost all of my power to degrade myself to your primitive state of being. First, I had to... ARTURO No need to explain, my friend. I had to degrade myself to live here as well. HARRY I've come to give you all a warning. BIPPO Is this about whizzing out the window? HARRY No, but you shouldn't do that either. I've come to warn you about the devourer of souls... The WORLDKILLER! Music sting. LIAM Eh, that's old news. HARRY Really? LIAM Yeah, we've known about him for over a year now! HARRY Oh. DONNER All that effort to get here to tell us some stuff we already knew? What kind of higher life-form are you? HARRY The kind who knows how to beat Worldkiller. Nyah! Harry sticks out his tongue. LIAM (excited) HOW do we beat him? HARRY Well, I'm not permitted to tell you exactly how, but I AM permitted to tell you this... (a clears his throat) The Worldkiller's destruction will come down to the combined efforts of five. The child of destiny, the beast by night, the harlequin of madness, the dethroned entrepreneur, and the superhero. BIPPO But that could be anyone! HARRY I'm sorry... That's all I can say and now, it's time for me to leave. LIAM Well, even if you weren't a big fat lot of help, it was good to see you again, Harry. HARRY Don't look so downtrodden, Liam. Things are going to get a little tough and the poop is about to hit the fan, but something's about to happen and I wanted to say good bye. LIAM W-what's going to happen? GARY (anticipation) Saaaaaay it! Harry throws an annoyed look at Gary and mouths the words "little bitch" before looking back at Liam and smiling. HARRY (whispers) Something wonderful. GARY YES! HARRY Do you MIND!? I'm trying to have a moment here! GARY Sorry. I'm a little bitch. HARRY You bet your ass you are. Harry begins to fade. HARRY Oop! Looks like my dime is up! Have fun, you kids! Harry vanishes completely. LIAM (to empty room) Bye Harry. DONNER A little late, don't you think? Bippo picks up a purple garment from a pile. BIPPO Hey, what's this? A ballet leotard? GARY PUT THAT DOWN! BIPPO Well, excuse me... Little bitch! GARY That's it! Everyone out! Gary shoves everyone to the door. DONNER Hey, little bitch, what's the problem!? GARY Strange glowing orbs of light, clowns going through my laundry, a visitor from a higher plane of existence, a prophecy, and a string of "little bitches" lobbed in my direction are just TOO MUCH for one day! He slams the door. ARTURO (O.C.) What a little bitch. GARY That was close. 9 INT. HELL 9 We see Gary standing up against the door just like we last saw him when the camera zooms back to reveal we're looking at a big-screen TV labeled HELL-A-VISION. The camera pans over to reveal SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS, SCRAPPY DOO, KATHY HILTER, and the black shadowy figure, WORLDKILLER. WORLDKILLER The interference of the higher life form complicates things. SENESTRA It will be no complication. We plan our attack and strike in 24 hours. Kathy, you've got target 2. KATHY HILTER Understood. SENESTRA Scrappy, target 4. SCRAPPY I'll SPLAT 'em! SENESTRA Of course. I'll take care of target 5. SCRAPPY What about target 1 and target 3? SENESTRA Those are targets the master will deal with personally. (to Worldkiller) Twenty-four hours. WORLDKILLER I will be here. Await me then. Worldkiller vanishes. KATHY HILTER He gives me the creeps. SENESTRA I know what you mean. Even Satan doesn't want to be in the same room with him anymore. KATHY HILTER I thought Satan wasn't afraid of anything. SENESTRA He's not... Which makes me even more curious about this whole affair. SCRAPPY Yeah, "affair" being the operative word for you. SENESTRA I heard that, you little bastard. KATHY HILTER ENOUGH! This is not the time for petty bickering or trivial arguments. Yeah, Senestra may have moved up the ladder horizontally and, yes, she may be the biggest slut in the world and, yes, I can't believe she's boinked the prince of darkness and, yes, she... SENESTRA Your point? KATHY HILTER Point? (a beat) Oh, right. My point is, we have to stand united if we're going to win this battle! All of us have scores to settle and finally, we're going to have the last laugh! SCRAPPY And it doesn't matter that Senestra lays more than carpet? KATHY HILTER No, nor does it matter that she spends more time on her back than a corpse. SCRAPPY ...or that she's as like a wheelchair ramp? KATHY HILTER Assessable to all? No, that doesn't matter. Nor does it matter that she's like a used bicycle. SCRAPPY Oh, you mean the similarity being that everyone has had a ride? SENESTRA I hate you both. 10 INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT 10 Liam, Thad, Arturo, Donner, Bippo, and Stacy enter. DONNER Well, that was a colossal waste of time. ARTURO Still, it was nice to see Harry again and to know he's all right. BIPPO And that he wasn't used for any deux ex machina crap. LIAM Say what? BIPPO What. LIAM What? BIPPO Huh? LIAM Do what? BIPPO Do what what? LIAM Huh? BIPPO What? There is a knock at the door. STACY Thank GOD! Liam opens the door. It's a delivery man. DELIVERY MAN Special delivery for Liam Smith! LIAM Can I ask you something? What makes this delivery so special anyway? This looks like the same kind of delivery I usually get so why is it called "special"? DELIVERY MAN It's a plane ticket to Hollywood and a personal invitation to Kari Wuhrer's estate, Hooter Downs. DONNER Uh-Oh... Check it for white powder, Liam! Liam takes the letter. LIAM Kari Wuhrer? Oh please, like I'm going to fall for... (he smells the letter) For... (he smells it again) It's her scent! It's Kari Wuhrer's scent! DONNER Really? Give me that! Donner takes it and smells. DONNER It smells like baby powder, hand lotion, and antiseptic. LIAM I know! That's her! I've got to go to Hollywood! Tah-Tah, folks! I'm off to go see some tah-tahs! Liam tears out the door. BIPPO Wow. Dumber than advertised. THAD What would Kari Wuhrer want with Liam? STACY Maybe she's finally discovered that Liam is the one person in the world who doesn't judge her by her looks and she's decided that he's the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with? There is a long pause, then everyone busts out laughing their asses off. 11 INT. TEMPUS' PLACE 11 TEMPUS and CHOCOLATE TREAT are talking. CHOCOLATE TREAT So, you're going to be leaving soon? TEMPUS Yes. The temporal juncture is coming within 24 hours. I either fix it and go home, or I stay here and die with the rest of the world. CHOCOLATE TREAT Well, I'm sorry to see you leave. I've managed to develop a... Uh... What do you call it? TEMPUS A rash? CHOCOLATE TREAT No, that thing where you like someone. TEMPUS Friendship? CHOCOLATE TREAT Yeah, that's it. I've always been stuck with quickies and infatuations but with you, it's different... I don't want to rip your clothes off and pounce on you like a cheetah... I actually want to talk first. (a beat) ...and THEN rip your clothes off and pounce on you like a Cheetah. TEMPUS Let's keep talking then. CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh, Tempy... When did this happen? You and I falling for each other? I mean, a few months back we couldn't stand each other. TEMPUS I don't know, but it sort of reminds me of Chakotay and Seven of Nine in the last episode of Voyager. CHOCOLATE TREAT But that relationship didn't make any sense! There was no previous indication that... Tempus leaps forward and kisses Chocolate Treat. CHOCOLATE TREAT What the...!? TEMPUS I'm sorry! I didn't mean to offend you, I... CHOCOLATE TREAT Honey, you didn't offend me... It's just that usually I'M the one doing the jumping. TEMPUS What did you think? CHOCOLATE TREAT (wicked grin) So, tell me... What sort of... (ahem) Techniques have they developed by the 31st century? TEMPUS Well, genetic enhancement for one. CHOCOLATE TREAT How would that help? We hear a zipper being unzipped. Chocolate Treat looks down. Her eyes go wide and a great big grin breaks across her face. CHOCOLATE TREAT I love science. 12 INT. KARI WUHRER'S ESTATE 12 Liam is wearing a tuxedo as KARI WUHRER enters from the far side of the room. LIAM Kari! Kari begins to drift across the room like an angel. KARI WUHRER Oh, Liam... I'm so glad you came. LIAM You know me! I come quicker than any man on the planet! (a beat) No, wait... KARI WUHRER You make me laugh, Liam... Kari stands in front of Liam. KARI WUHRER And now, I'm going to do what I should have done years ago. LIAM Oh, goody! KARI WUHRER Liam, pucker up big boy! Liam puckers up. KARI WUHRER And now... DIE!!! Kari Wuhrer takes a gigantic axe out of her bra and starts hacking into Liam like a maniac. Blood and body bits fly everywhere. LIAM ARGH! ACK! EEEE! GURGLE! KARI WUHRER DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! Kari keeps chopping. More blood flies all over the place until Kari Wuhrer looks like Sissy Spacek from "Carrie". Finally Kari Wuhrer begins to laugh maniacally as the music swells and the camera zooms back revealing Liam's hacked up and bloody body. QUICK CUT TO: 13 INT. A TAXI CAB 13 Liam jumps up from his slumber and screams. LIAM AHH! Liam looks around. LIAM What a funny dream. Now, why would Kari Wuhrer want to kill me? Suddenly, a car zooms up next to the cab on the highway. KARI WUHRER pops her head out and pulls out a bomb. KARI WUHRER DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! LIAM AHHHHHH!!! Kari throws the bomb into the cab which explodes in a great big explosion. QUICK CUT TO: 14 INT. A TAXI CAB 14 Liam jumps up from his slumber and screams. LIAM AHH! Liam looks around. LIAM ANOTHER dream? What are the odds? TAXI DRIVER Hey Mac, while you was asleep I thought I'd get me a bite to eat. Hope you don't mind. Liam presses his face to the window and we see that the cab is parked in an Arby's Drive Through Window. LIAM ARBY'S!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! QUICK CUT TO: 15 INT. A TAXI CAB 15 Liam jumps up in fright from his slumber. LIAM AHHHHHH! (a beat) This is getting old. 16 EXT. KARI WUHRER'S ESTATE 16 Liam is driven to the front door by a Taxi. He walks up to the door and knocks. An elderly butler, SHAKELFORD answers. SHAKELFORD Can I help you? LIAM I'm here to see Kari. SHAKELFORD And are you a harmless fan or a psycho stalker? LIAM If I was a psycho stalker, do you honestly think I would tell you? SHAKELFORD You'd be surprised. LIAM I have an invitation. Shakelford looks at it. SHAKELFORD Ah, you must be young master Smith. LIAM No, I must be young LIAM Smith. And of course I MUST be me, who the hell else would I be if I mustn't be me? Well, I guess I would be Brad Pitt... The ladies do seem to think he's cute and Fight Club was wicked awesome. SHAKELFORD (a beat) Quite. You're just like Miss Wuhrer said you'd be. Come, walk this way. Shakelford walks inside with a proper posture and tiny steps. Liam mimics the walking style until they are inside and out of sight. We then hear a loud SLAP. LIAM (O.S.) OW! SHAKELFORD (O.S.) It had to be done. 17 INT. KARI WUHRER'S ESTATE 17 A gigantic living room/den area with a huge fireplace roaring. LIAM and SHAKLEFORD enter. Liam looks around. SHAKELFORD Miss Wuhrer will be here shortly. Is there anything you require? LIAM Yeah, you can tell me why there's a fire in that fireplace! We're in Southern California and it's 99 degrees outside! SHAKELFORD That's not a fireplace, it's where Miss Wuhrer is burning all her excess copies of Shiny. Liam looks down at the source of the flames and, indeed, it is several hundred CDs. LIAM How odd. SHAKELFORD Not really. Michael Jackson is doing the same with Blood on the Dancefloor. And William Shatner... LIAM Let me guess, The Transformed Man? SHAKELFORD Yes... AND Star Trek V. That's his house across the street. Liam glances out a window and sees a mansion entirely ablaze. WILLIAM SHATNER is running around in the front yard trying to put his toupee out. WILLIAM SHATNER WHEN... will-this-movie... STOP tormenting me... so? Liam looks back at Shakelford. LIAM That seemed pointless. SHAKELFORD Didn't it though? Shakelford walks off. LIAM Hmm... Liam walks over to a replica of the Statue of David and leans against it. It falls over and crashes to the floor. Liam quickly bends over to pick it up. LIAM Wow, it's a good thing this didn't break! Liam looks. David's pee-pee is missing. LIAM Aw, CRAP! Liam searches for the missing member. Finally he finds it lying on the floor. He picks it up just as we hear a door shut. KARI WUHRER What are you doing down there!? Liam jumps up quickly putting the dismembered ding-dong in his pocket. LIAM GAH! I was... Er... inspecting for termites. Those suckers will really ruin a nice looking wood floor like this. KARI WUHRER Aw, you're sweet. It's so nice of you to come on such short notice. LIAM You know me, I come faster than any man on the planet. (a beat) TWICE! DAMMIT! KARI WUHRER What? LIAM Nothing. KARI WUHRER Well, I guess you're wondering why I brought you here? LIAM As long as it doesn't involve axes hidden down your bra, bombs, or Arby's. KARI WUHRER I don't think it does. You remember a few months back when Jennifer Tilly was about to take that role away from me? LIAM Yeah. KARI WUHRER Do you... Remember the picture I left for you? LIAM Picture? KARI WUHRER The autographed picture saying "thank you"? LIAM I never got a picture. KARI WUHRER But I slipped it under your door! Apartment 4-G! LIAM That's Doris' apartment. KARI WUHRER The old hag? Dammit. LIAM Well, don't feel bad. Maybe she appreciated the autograph. 18 INT. DORIS' APARTMENT 18 Doris hangs the picture of Kari Wuhrer on the wall. She steps back and admires it, a gentle smile crossing her face. Then, she takes out some darts and starts chunking them at Kari's face. 19 INT. KARI WUHRER'S ESTATE 19 As before, Liam and Kari Wuhrer are talking. KARI WUHRER Well, I feel terrible... I really wanted to thank you for making me believe in myself again. LIAM You wanted to thank me? KARI WUHRER All the men I've ever met... And some of the women, even, have only been interested in one thing. You're the only one who's ever been different. LIAM Yeah, I've been interested in TWO things. KARI WUHRER My heart and my soul? LIAM (a beat) Okay. KARI WUHRER Well, that's what I wanted you here for... I wanted to say thank you and to apologize for calling you a looser and a creep and a pervert and a dillweed and a geek and a... LIAM Can we skip ahead a minute? KARI WUHRER I wanted to say I'm sorry for treating you like trash because, despite it all, you're the one person I've ever met who's stood beside me even when I was spitting in your face and I want you to know, that I'll never forget that. LIAM Cool beans! So, will you go out with me? KARI WUHRER No. LIAM No? KARI WUHRER No offense, Liam. I like you, but you're too much of a good boy for me. LIAM I can do worse! KARI WUHRER Sorry, Liam... But you're still kind of a innocent dweeb. Not that I don't love you. LIAM BUT YOU MARRIED GARY THE FANBOY!!!! KARI WUHRER Yes, but he was always a dirty little animal in bed with his... (a beat) Well, nevermind. LIAM Well, can I at least get a new autograph? One that spells my name right? KARI WUHRER Of course. Kari pulls a picture out of a Kleenex dispenser. Another picture pops up in its place. KARI WUHRER Oh, uh... Do you have a pen? LIAM Yeah. Liam reaches into his pocket for a pen. LIAM I've got one here somewhere. Ah, here it is. Liam accidentally pulls out the decapitated dong. Horrified, Liam can't move as Kari sees the stone shlong in his hand. KARI WUHRER Liam, is that...!? LIAM (weakly) A ball point? KARI WUHRER Well, Liam... It looks like I was WRONG about you! LIAM K-Kari... Miss Wuhrer... I can explain! KARI WUHRER You're not the goody-goody dweeb I thought you were! LIAM I was an acci- What? KARI WUHRER (seductively) You're quite the little animal too, aren't you? LIAM I am? KARI WUHRER Liam? LIAM Y-Yeah? KARI WUHRER I have something I want to show you. LIAM The exit? KARI WUHRER No, the entrance. LIAM To what? KARI WUHRER Heaven. Kari stands up and, with her back to the camera drops her dress to the ground and stands naked in front of Liam. LIAM T-That's... That's very nice. KARI WUHRER I want you, Liam... I want you more than any man on Earth this very moment! LIAM Wow, I... (a beat) Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not going to get any! I never do! It's like it's been dictated from some asshole from on high that I will never ever get the girl! I'm not going to have sex now or later! I'm going to die a virgin and it's time that I accepted th-- Kari Wuhrer grabs him and kisses him. They both fall backwards out of frame and pieces of clothing fly into the air. 20 EXT. KARI WUHRER'S ESTATE 20 The sun is going down. LIAM (O.C.) (falsetto) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE AT LAST I'VE FOUND YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU! AT LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAST I KNOW THE SECRET OF IT AAAAAAAAAALL! 21 INT. HELL 21 Senestra, Scrappy, and Kathy Hilter are going over final plans for the upcoming battle. SENESTRA Target 4 may me a little tricky, but... Suddenly, snow and ice begins to fall on them. SENESTRA What the hell? 22 INT. HELL 22 In the giant fiery catacombs of hell, we see demons sledding down snowy hills, having snowball fights, and making snowmen as "Winter Wonderland" blares. 23 INT. KARI WUHRER'S BEDROOM 23 Kari Wuhrer and Liam are in bed. Liam is sound asleep as Kari looks at him lovingly. KARI WUHRER Wow, who would have ever thought that someone so inadequate in bed could be so relaxed and unconcerned? LIAM (wakes, sleepily) What? KARI WUHRER I said you were great, tiger. Liam goes back to sleep. Kari Wuhrer sighs and smiles. FADE OUT: THE END CHRISTOPHER WALKEN (V.O.) Hi, this is Christopher Walken. Here are scenes from the next episode of "The Liam Smith Show". -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. HELL WORLDKILLER It begins now. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. DREW FANGTASTIC'S PLACE There is a knock at the door. DREW Hello? Who is it? SATAN (O.C.) It's Satan. DREW Oh, very funny. Who do you think you're trying to... Drew opens the door revealing Satan and a midget. DREW Oh, fiddle. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. DONNER'S APARTMENT Kathy Hilter's fingernails erupt into large claws. KATHY HILTER DIE! DONNER AW CRAP! -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. THAD'S APARTMENT Thad opens the door and SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS is standing there with ROCK and TANK. THAD Oh, hello. SENESTRA I think you mean... GOODBYE!!! Senestra takes out a large knife. ------------------------------------------------------------- INT. A BEDROOM LIAM SATAN! SATAN Ah, Liam Smith... you remember when I told you that your reckoning was coming? Well, guess what today is? -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liams stands in front of a dark figure in his darkened apartment. LIAM GAH! What are you!? WORLDKILLER I am known as Worldkiller. -------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS The apartments explode in a great fireball. FADE OUT: ROLL CREDITS