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THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
and
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Also Starring
Neil Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"
Gary Dordan
as
"Tempus"
RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"
Betty White
as
"Doris Winchester"
Reese Whitherspoon
as
"Kathy Hilter"
David Peckinpah
as
"Satan"
Marina Sirtis
as
"Senestra Malevolous"
Billy Blanks
as
"Rock"
Dolph Lungren
as
"Tank"
Scrappy Doo
and
MVP Jason Gaston
as
"Donner"
Special Guest Stars
Vern Troyer
as
"Phil"
Joan Rivers
as
the voice of
"S.U.I.T."
Michael Dorn
as
the voice of
"Worldkiller"
and
Kari Wuhrer
Guests of The Liam Smith Show stay at the fabulous Motel 6 on the corner of Crip and Blood.
FADE IN: 10 INT. HELL 10 SENESTRA is pacing back and forth. SCRAPPY is leaning back in a chair asleep. KATHY HILTER is twirling her hair around her finger and chewing on a fingernail. In the middle of the room, the dark figure known as WORLDKILLER stands silently. There is the sound of a ticking clock and it's obvious that everyone is bored. Well, everyone but Worldkiller who just stands there with his eyes closed waiting... waiting... waiting... Finally, his eyes SNAP OPEN with the sound of a thunderclap. Everyone's attention turns to him and Scrappy falls backwards in his chair. WORLDKILLER It begins now. SENESTRA Well, it's about damn time. Folks, you know your targets... get cracking. 11 INT. SATAN'S CHAMBER 11 Satan is sitting on his throne watching Senestra, Worldkiller, Kathy, and Scrappy. He leans back and a giant smile appears on his lips. SATAN At last... MUSIC STING 12 INT. DREW'S PLACE 12 Drew is ironing his underwear listening to the radio in his new place, a tomb located somewhere in London. RADIO ...astronomers have been unable to explain the sudden solar eclipse that has sent most of the world into darkness today. While the Justice Squad is in space at this moment investigating, Doctor Frederick Von Whoop-Whoop speculated that it could be a large asteroid or a... DREW That's bloody enough of that. Drew switches the station until he hears Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack crooning an old tune. DREW That's better... Oh, the times I used to have with those boys. (sniff) I miss you, Dean. Sammy. (normal) Frank was an ass, though, but a hell of a tipper. There is a knocking at the door. He folds his unmentionables and puts them in a basket before going to the door and peeking through the peep-hole. DREW Hello? Who is it? SATAN (O.C.) It's Satan. DREW Oh, very funny. Who do you think you're trying to... Drew opens the door revealing Satan and a midget. DREW Oh, fiddle. SATAN Oh, relax... I'm not here to kill you, Drew my boy! Satan and the midget enters the tomb. DREW Of course you're not. Aren't you forbidden to enter here? This being a sacred place and all? SATAN Check the expiration date. Drew looks at an engraving on the wall that says "BLESSING EXPIRES 3/31/89" DREW Dammit. All right, Lucy-fur. What do you want? You want to make fun of me because my coup of hell crapped out before it even started or are you here to finally drag me back there? SATAN Well, a little of both actually. First, comes the making fun of part: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA!!! NANNY-NANNY BOO-BOO YOU SMELL LIKE DOO-DOO! DREW Your wit slays me. SATAN Now comes the punishment part which I have been saving for this very special occasion. Drew, you bad little bloodsucker you, I'm drafting you into my army of darkness. DREW Join your army, huh? What if I say no? SATAN Oh, I don't think you will. DREW And what makes you think that? SATAN Because of my little buddy here. Satan indicates the midget. DREW What's HE going to do to me if I say no? Kick me in the shins or wait until I'm using a urinal, hop up, grab on, and threaten to jump? SATAN Nothing so pedestrian, but I must admit that last one was very creative. My little friend here has quite a history. He's known as the soul-stealer, the possessor, the tormentor of thought. MIDGET Call me Phil. DREW Uh-huh, and how does that pertain to me? Satan grins. Phil leaps into the air and turns into a black smoke which coalesces around Drew. Drew tries to fight it off, but the smoke enters his mouth, ears, nose, and other unmentionable orifices. The smoke completely absorbed, Drew stops struggling and takes a breath. DREW What was THAT!? SATAN Phil is simply making sure you go along with my plans. Now, tell me about that bothersome werewolf friend of yours? Feel like smacking him around a couple of times for the heck of it? DREW Smack nothing! I want to gut him and leave his stinking carcass on a pike to rot while hanging his pelt in the bathroom to wipe with. (a beat) That's funny. I never wanted to do that before. Come to think of it, I want to do a lot of nasty and evil stuff and it makes me feel good! SATAN Phil's done a good job, then. Come with me, Fangtastic, we have lot's of things to discuss. Satan waves his hand to command a wave of hellfire. Drew stops him. DREW No, please... allow me. Drew takes out his Hell Timer and creates a vortex. Satan looks at him. SATAN I am impressed. DREW Please, after you... (a beat) ...master. Satan begins to bellow an evil laugh. Drew begins laughing with him as the two enter the vortex and flash out of sight. 13 INT. DONNER'S APARTMENT 13 DONNER is on the phone. DONNER No, I don't want to hear that! I want to know how you can help me out of this miss I'm in business wise! All right, here's the deal... Donner picks up a ladies hat. DONNER I've just invented this thing for women. It's a hat that has a built in warmer inside it to keep your head nice and toasty in the winter and I was wondering if it would help my business get out of the gutter. (a beat) Well to HELL with you too, Miss Cleo! Donner hangs up. DONNER Bitch. There is a knock at the door. DONNER Come in! KATHY HILTER enters. KATHY HILTER Hello, Donner. DONNER (surprised) Kathy Hilter? Well, come on in girl it's been months! How've you been? What have you been up to so long that we haven't seen you? KATHY HILTER Oh, you know... Business in Hell. DONNER Excuse me. KATHY HILTER Dah! I mean, business IS Hell. DONNER Tell me about it. So, what brings you to Las Vegas again? Business or pleasure? KATHY HILTER A little of both actually. DONNER Rea-heh-eaaaaaaaally? A little of the pleasurable business we engaged in last time you were here? KATHY HILTER Actually, no. DONNER Oh. Then what are you doing here!? Kathy holds her hand out and claws erupt from her fingertips. DONNER AWESOME! KATHY HILTER DIE! DONNER COO... I mean, AW CRAP! Kathy slashes at Donner who falls backwards into a recliner popping the footrest up and hitting Kathy in the face and causing her to fall backwards. Donner takes the opportunity to jump up and grab a fire axe. DONNER WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!??? KATHY HILTER FOOL! I am an agent of SATAN and I am going to KILL YOU! DONNER But WHY!? KATHY HILTER Beats the crap out of me, stumpy. DONNER Why did you call me stumpy? KATHY HILTER You'll understand in five seconds. Kathy slices through the axe blade with her claws and splits it like paper. Donner throws what's left of the axe at her and runs to the bedroom locking the door behind him. 14 INT. DONNER'S BEDROOM 14 Donner braces the door with a sofa chair. KATHY HILTER (O.C.) FOOL! YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME FOREVER! DONNER I like you better when we just had sex! SMASH! Kathy's claws bust through the door. DONNER EEEEEEEEEEEEEK! 15 INT. THAD'S APARTMENT 15 Bippo and Thad are sitting on the couch when the phone rings. Thad answers it. THAD KSUX is my favorite radio station with continuous... DONNER (ON PHONE) THAD, YOU IDIOT IT'S ME, DONNER!!! THAD Oh hey, Donner what's up? DONNER (ON PHONE) I'm in trouble! Look, Kathy Hilter's here and she's trying to kill... PHONE BEEP! BEEP! THAD Hold on, Donner, I have another call. DONNER (ON PHONE) NO, DAMMIT! DON'T PUT ME ON HO- Thad hits the flash button and takes the other call. THAD KSUX is my favorite radio station with... (a beat) Who? (a beat) Yeah, he's here. Thad hands the phone to Bippo. THAD It's for you. BIPPO It's not a telephone salesman, is it? THAD No, but it is some guy with a deep demonic voice that resonates with the sound of billions of tortured screams and unspeakable evil throughout the ages. BIPPO Whew, that's a relief. Bippo takes the phone. BIPPO Hello? (a beat) Yes, this is him. (a beat) You don't say. (a beat) You don't SAY! (a beat) YOU DON'T SAY! THAD Who is it? BIPPO He didn't say. (to phone) So, you want me to come down now? Right this minute? (a beat) Sure, I'll be right there! Bye Bye! Bippo hangs up, jumps to his feet, and runs out the door. THAD Bippo, where are you...? (a beat) How strange. Thad picks up the phone and looks at the caller ID. INSERT SHOT The caller ID reads "DARKNESS, PRINCE OF - (666) 666-6666" BACK ON THAD He looks back at the door and then back at the phone. Finally, he jumps up and heads for the door. THAD Bippo, wait a minute I think you should... Thad opens the door and SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS is standing there with ROCK and TANK. THAD Oh, hello. SENESTRA I think you mean... GOODBYE!!! Senestra takes out a large knife. Thad smirks. THAD Miss Malevolous, I know you're still cheesed about me quitting Circus, Circus like I did, but c'mon... what are you going to do with that? Hello? I'm a werewolf and, thus, invulnerable to most conventional weapons. Senestra slashes Thad across the arm. Thad begins to laugh. THAD (laughing) HA HA HA HA HAAAA Ha... uh... ha... ah... (begins to cry) ahh... ow... owie-e-e-e-eeeee! W Why did you go and do that for-or or-or? That stung, you dick! Give me that! Thad takes the knife from Senestra and looks at it. INSERT SHOT There is an engraving on the knife that says "PURE SILVER - MADE IN TAIWAN" BACK ON THAD THAD Son... of... a BITCH! (a beat) Wait! HA! I have your knife and now you're not going to get it back, because... Thad looks up. Rock, Tank, and Senestra are holding gigantic Conan swords made of silver. THAD Because... Because... (a beat, dances and sings) Because of the wonderful things I've done, dah deedly deedly doo! On the "doo", Thad chunks the knife at Senestra who has to duck out of the way. Thad turns into his werewolf form and leaps for the window. He hits the glass which doesn't shatter and he falls to the floor in a heap. WEREWOLF THAD OW! What the hell? (a beat) Oh, yeah... I got tired of replacing all the windows in this joint what with all the people crashing through them all the time and put up shatterproof transparent plastic. DAMN ME AND MY PROGRESSIVE THINKING! Werewolf Thad leaps to his feet and runs for the bedroom. He shuts the door and locks it. WEREWOLF THAD You'll never get me in here! HA! HA! Rock and Tank's fists break through the door. WEREWOLF THAD EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!! 16 INT. KARI WUHRER'S BEDROOM 16 Kari is lying in bed in a white silk robe. LIAM (O.S.) Are you sure this is all you have? KARI WUHRER Oh, come on, Liam... you look fine. Liam enters wearing a pink lacy robe with two red hearts over his nipples. LIAM I feel ridiculous. KARI WUHRER You look ridiculous. Fortunately, I don't think you'll be wearing that much longer. LIAM AGAIN? Kari, that's five times in the last hour! I am not a machine, all right? I need a little time to regroup the boys and call in the reserves! (a beat) All right, I'm ready. Liam runs to the bed and leaps but is suddenly KNOCKED BACKWARDS by a wall of hellfire. He falls to the ground and looks up to see SATAN standing there. LIAM SATAN! SATAN Ah, Liam Smith... you remember when I told you that your reckoning was coming? Well, guess what today is? LIAM What do you want with me!? Satan chuckles. SATAN My dear little boy, what makes you think I'm here for you? Liam looks confused, but then turns his attention over to the bed where Kari Wuhrer sits afraid and huddled in a corner. LIAM NO! Liam jumps up and runs at Satan who effortlessly picks him up by the throat and holds him in the air. SATAN You bore me. Satan throws him down and grabs Kari Wuhrer by the arm. SATAN I'll be seeing you real soon. KARI WUHRER LIAM!!! Satan and Kari Wuhrer disappear in a wave of hellfire. LIAM NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Liam slams his fists against the floor in anger, then runs out the door. 17 EXT. KARI WUHRER'S ESTATE 17 Liam runs out the front door and looks around at the darkness engulfing Los Angeles from the unexplained total eclipse. He runs to the street and flags down a Taxi. LIAM TAXI! The Taxi screeches to a stop. Liam gets in. 18 INT. THE TAXI 18 LIAM It's an emergency, driver! I need to get to Upda Creek apartments in Las Vegas STAT! DRIVER That's a three hour drive, buddy! Five if you count traffic. LIAM But I need to get there as quickly as... Liam peers down at the Driver's ID. LIAM Oh, hey! You're Bronson Pinchot! 19 EXT. THE STREET 19 Liam is thrown out of the cab which zooms away. Liam gets up and gives him the finger. LIAM Oh yeah? Well Perfect Strangers SUCKED!!! (a beat) Oooooooh, how am I ever going to get home now? How will I ever rescue Kari Wuhrer? A pair of headlights appear in the distance. Liam jumps up and flags it down. The van stops and Liam runs to the door and gets inside. 20 INT. THE VAN 20 LIAM You've got to help me! My new girlfriend was just kidnapped by Satan and I need to get to Las Vegas as soon as possible. Liam finally looks at the driver and his eyes widen in shock as he sees MR. T in the driver's seat! The theme from "The A Team" begins to play. MR. T Ain't no problem, foo'! My van is fast! LIAM Great! But how fast? I need to get to Upda Creek apartments in five minutes. Mr. T smiles. MR. T Which floor? 21 EXT. THE STREET 21 Mr. T's Custom 1982 GMC Van takes off easily going 500 miles per hour. MR. T (V.O.) I gotta ask... What's with the pink robe, sucka? 22 INT. THAD'S APARTMENT 22 Rock and Tank break through the door and come at Thad with their silver swords. Werewolf Thad looks around, shrugs, and then runs for the wall. 23 INT. GARY THE FANBOY'S BATHROOM 23 Gary is sitting on the toilet admiring a centerfold. Camera pans back to reveal that he's looking at an issue of Starlog magazine. GARY Ah, the Orion Slave Girls... BLAM! Werewolf Thad crashes through the wall and falls on the floor. Gary jumps up with his pants around his ankles and runs, taking little baby steps. GARY SON OF A...! Werewolf Thad looks up as Gary runs out of the room with his pants down. WEREWOLF THAD (shields eyes) THAT'S an image I won't be forgetting soon. Werewolf Thad picks himself off the ground and tries to run, but Rock and Tank grab him and hold him as Senestra walks through the hole in the wall holding a silver sword. SENESTRA Quite the wily quandary, aren't you? WEREWOLF THAD Since I have no idea what you just said means, I'll agree. SENESTRA Oh, Thaddeus... we could have been so wonderful together. You could have worked for me and I wouldn't be forced to kill you on Satan's orders, now. WEREWOLF THAD Why does Satan want me dead? SENESTRA I guess you could say that something about you pisses him off. WEREWOLF THAD Isn't that how it always works? Suddenly, Gary appears in the doorway. GARY I think it's time the three of you left. ROCK D'ah, or what you little geek? GARY Or in thirty seconds, there will only be two of us standing. WEREWOLF THAD I'm one of those two, right? SENESTRA You amuse me, little dork, therefore I will let you live, but only with all four of your limbs severed. GARY I'm warning you! SENESTRA You're warning ME? WEREWOLF THAD (through teeth) What are you doing, Gary!? SENESTRA Exactly what I want to know. What ARE you doing, you little bitch? GARY DON'T CALL ME LITTLE BITCH! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARH!!! Gary leaps at them and, in a fury of kicks and punches, Rock and Tank are on the ground and Senestra has been disarmed. SENESTRA What the...!? WEREWOLF THAD Mental note: don't call Gary "little bitch" anymore. (to Gary) How the HELL did you...!? GARY Not important. Now, to take out the trash... WEREWOLF THAD But shouldn't we beat up Senestra Malevolous first? Gary looks at Werewolf Thad with a "God, you are a stupid bastard" look, then turns back to Senestra and cracks his knuckles. Senestra takes a step backwards. SENESTRA Well, well, well... look at the time! Senestra runs away into Thad's place. Werewolf Thad and Gary follow. 24 INT. THAD'S APARTMENT 24 Thad and Gary enter. Gary stops Thad. GARY No, she's not worth it! I fear there are more dire evils at work here. WEREWOLF THAD Okay, Gary... I've got to ask how the HELL you... GARY Did you know you have someone on hold? WEREWOLF THAD What? Oh. Werewolf Thad looks down at the phone and picks it up. WEREWOLF THAD Hello? Donner, is that you? (a beat) Donner, I can't hear you. There's some kind of weird static on the line. Are you hungry? Is that why you keep saying "dine, dine, dine?" 25 INT. DONNER'S APARTMENT 25 Kathy is strangling Donner with the telephone line and beating him over the head with the receiver. KATHY HILTER DIE! DIE! DIE DIIIIIIIE!!! Donner reaches for something on the table. It's the warmer hat he was talking about earlier. He finally grabs it, puts it on Kathy's head, and turns it on "high". KATHY HILTER What the? Kathy feels of the hat and smiles. KATHY HILTER Oh, it's nice, warm, and cozy! I like this hat! Wow, this could make you a billion dollars! I... WHOOSH! Kathy's head bursts into flames. KATHY HILTER YEARGH!!! Kathy runs around the room hitting herself in the head with her fists. She finally runs out the door. 26 EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS 26 Kathy runs up to a fire extinguisher, points it at herself and tries to fire it off, only it's empty. She runs to a hose lying on the ground and turns it on. The camera pans back to reveal that it is connected to a tank that says PROPANE. Kathy's entire body bursts into flames. She runs to an enclosed pool area and dives in. We hear a THUNK-SPLAT sound that echoes for a few seconds. Arturo enters frame. ARTURO Good lord! I just had that pool cleaned! Werewolf Thad, Gary, and Donner (still choking a bit) run to the pool. WEREWOLF THAD Holy CRAP in a HAT! ARTURO Did you see that? Some flaming harpy just dived into the pool! WEREWOLF THAD And that thing hasn't had water in it for years and when it did... Everyone shudders. WEREWOLF THAD I would have rather jumped in the empty pool! ARTURO Who was that? DONNER It was Kathy Hilter! She was trying to kill me! Apparently, she is a minion of Satan and neglected to tell us. WEREWOLF THAD No kidding? Senestra just tried to kill me saying that it was Satan's orders. What are the odds? ARTURO I'd say about as good as Liam showing up wearing nothing but a pink lace silk robe with two red hearts over his nipples. Liam shows up wearing the pink lace silk robe with two red hearts over his nipples. Werewolf Thad changes back to regular Thad. ARTURO One of these days I'm going to keep my fat trap shut. LIAM Guys, Satan just kidnapped Kari Wuhrer! GARY We've got to do something! THAD That's not the only person Satan's grabbed. Bippo's missing too. DONNER Could someone explain to me exactly what the hell is happening today? Unexplained solar eclipses, the forces of evil trying to kill us in a coordinated attempt, and NOW they're kidnapping people!? ARTURO Obviously, there is something afoot, but I... Doris enters frame. DORIS Excuse me, professor. ARTURO Not now, woman! Can't you see that we're in the middle of something dire and we're all trying to figure out where and how the forces of evil will strike next? DORIS Actually, I can. One doesn't live as long as I have without noticing these things, that's why I thought you'd all be interested in something I just found. ARTURO What!? LIAM You found? DORIS I need you to come and look at something. ARTURO What? DORIS Well, that's just it... I'm not sure but I really think you guys should come look at it. Arturo sighs. ARTURO Come on, lads. THAD (to Liam) Did he just call us lads? 27 INT. HELL 27 SCRAPPY DOO enters carrying a screwdriver and a pair of wire cutters. He walks up to SATAN who is sitting on his throne looking rather bored. SCRAPPY It's done, master. One thousand bombs... the perfect distraction. SATAN (disinterested) That's nice, Scrappy. You may go. Scrappy stands there for a second, obviously puzzled by Satan's nonchalant attitude. He finally exits as Satan starts his X-Box and begins to play a video game. 28 INT. DORIS' APARTMENT 28 Arturo, Doris, Thad, Donner, Gary, and Liam enter. DORIS ...then I came back from playing Bingo at the Y, and it was just sitting here. Doris points to a red refrigerator sized object sitting in the middle of the room. ARTURO Well, that's odd. What do you suppose it is? DONNER Gee, professor, let's look at the facts so far. Plans from Satan's minions, bodily harm, kidnapping, and what not? I'd reckon it's not a care package. Thad has walked up to it and taps on the side. THAD I'm going to open it. GARY Well, be careful! There's no telling what it is! THAD I'll be careful! I have just the right tool to delicately open this package. Thad studies the package a little more, then takes out a large monkey wrench and whacks it as hard as he can. The front panel swings open revealing an LED display that's counting down. 9:45, 9:44, 9:43, 9:42, 9:41, 9:40, 9:39.... LIAM I'm willing to bet that thing isn't counting down to Christmas. THAD (disappointed) Aw... DORIS You mean this thing is a...? Thad opens another panel revealing a giant poster for the "FINAL FANTASY" movie. LIAM It's a bomb! Thad looks at it's base. THAD The damn thing's welded to the floor! We can't move it! ARTURO Then we're wasting time trying to. It's time to evacuate the building and bloody move, all right? Go! Everyone runs out the door. 29 EXT. THE SKIES OVER LAS VEGAS 29 Capeman is flying above the city with a look of determination on his face when ULTRAWOMAN flies up next to him. ULTRAWOMAN Capeman, where the hell have you been? We've been trying to contact you for an hour! CAPEMAN Bomb at Upda Creek Apartments! I've got to do something about it! ULTRAWOMAN Capeman, there are one THOUSAND bombs one one thousand school buses all over the world! Capeman stops. CAPEMAN What!? ULTRAWOMAN We can't get them all ourselves! We need your help or a lot of kids are going to die! Capeman looks torn. He looks off in the direction of Upda Creek and then at Ultrawoman. CAPEMAN All over the world you say? ULTRAWOMAN And unless we defuse them all in fifteen minutes, they're going to go off. A beat. CAPEMAN Then we'd better get to work. They fly off at the speed of sound. 30 EXT. THE HALLWAY 30 Thad runs down the hall frantically knocking on doors. Stacy steps out of her apartment sleepily. STACY What's going on? THAD I'll explain on the way out! He grabs her, puts her over his shoulder, and runs. 31 EXT. ANOTHER HALLWAY 31 Doris is knocking on Chocolate Treat's door. DORIS Chocolate Treat! Open the door! We have to leave, there's a BOMB! Hello? Arturo and Triumph rush by on their way out. Doris stops Arturo. DORIS Treat isn't answering her door! ARTURO I haven't seen her for days, but it's obvious she's not here. Now, move woman, move! Doris follows Arturo out. DORIS If she's not here, then where is she? 32 INT. TEMPUS' PLACE 32 Chocolate Treat and Tempus are lying in bed together. TEMPUS Well, that was... different. CHOCOLATE TREAT It's fun to experiment. TEMPUS Yeah, I like to think that we're an open society in the future, but that was... well, it was something I've never done before. CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh, would you relax? Zen meditation allows two people to have sex for hours and, in our case, days. TEMPUS Days? What day IS it? CHOCOLATE TREAT I don't know. I've lost count. Tempus leaps out of bed. TEMPUS Suit, what day is it? S.U.I.T. April 19, 2002. TEMPUS Aw, hell... CHOCOLATE TREAT Honey, what? TEMPUS STAY THERE! Tempus activates his timesuit and runs out a door. 33 EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS 33 Everyone who lives in the apartments run across the parking lot. DONNER is running next to LIAM and THAD. DONNER Where's dick-munch and butt-wad? THAD Last I heard, they were out with the Justice Squad trying to figure out where this eclipse is coming from. They stop running across the street where everyone has gathered on the opposite sidewalk. ARTURO Is everyone out? THAD We checked every room. We got everyone out with just minutes to spare. Liam turns around and looks back at the apartments. LIAM Oh my GOD! 34 EXT. LIAM'S APARTMENT 34 Through the window, we see KARI WUHRER tied to a chair and struggling to get free. 35 EXT. THE SIDEWALK 35 Everyone is standing there in shock. DORIS How the HELL did she get in there!? Liam stands there in shock until a look of determination crossed his face. LIAM How much time!? ARTURO Two minutes, but... Liam takes off across the street. ARTURO LIAM! DON'T BE AN IDIOT! THAD Hell... Thad takes off after him. ARTURO THAD, DON'T BE YOURSELF! A beat, Arturo remembers something. ARTURO THAD, NO! IT'S APRIL 19th! REMEMBER!? THAD, COME BACK HERE!!! It's too late. Thad is already across the street and about to go after Liam who has all ready entered the building. 36 INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY 36 Liam enters and quickly runs across the deserted lobby. Thad enters behind him as Liam exits into the hall. THAD Liam, Stop! You're going to get- POW! Thad bounces off a wall of solid hellfire and falls backwards. 37 INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT 37 Liam opens the door and enters the dark apartment. Kari Wuhrer is tied to a chair trying to get free. KARI WUHRER Liam! LIAM Kari! Don't worry, Kari, I'm going to untie you and we'll get out of here and everything will be all right! KARI WUHRER Unnecessary. Kari Wuhrer stands up. Her bonds slide of her and an evil smile crosses her face. LIAM Whew, that's a relief. I'm not good with knots and... HEY! How come you didn't do that before? KARI WUHRER Still the same dim-witted fool, Liam? How little you've changed since I last saw you. LIAM Kari? Are you feeling all right? We have to go! KARI WUHRER IDIOT! I AM NOT KARI WUHRER!!! 38 INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY 38 Werewolf Thad picks up the couch and throws it at the hellfire field. The couch shatters and burns. Thad realizes how futile it is to get through the barrier, turns back to normal, and finally makes the hard decision to leave. 39 EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS 39 Thad runs out the front door into the blackness of the eclipse night and steam-rolls right into ARTURO, TEMPUS, and LIAM. ARTURO THAD! LIAM Thad, what the hell's going on!? THAD Liam, thank God you're out! What are you standing around for? RUN!!! Thad runs off. Liam runs after him and grabs him stopping him in his tracks. LIAM Thad! Why are you running!? THAD Are you insane? I... Thad sees Tempus. THAD Oh my God, you're not Liam... I mean, you're not our Liam... You're Liam from a year ago when Tempus first showed up, right? LIAM Yeah, we came from a year in the past so Tempus could prove that... THAD Liam, listen to me! Go back and prepare! The wind picks up obscuring Thad's words. LIAM Prepare for what? THAD They've made their move, Liam! The Quadrangle's made their move! LIAM The Quadrangle? Thad, slow down and explain what's going on coherently! 40 INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT 40 Kari Wuhrer's eyes are glowing red. Suddenly, she turns into the dark figure, WORLDKILLER. LIAM GAH! What are you!? WORLDKILLER I am known as Worldkiller. LIAM YOU'RE Worldkiller? WORLDKILLER Ah, as sharp as a dead mackrel. You haven't changed. LIAM I haven't? (a pause) Do I know you? WORLDKILLER Oh yes, you know me and I know you... Perhaps THIS will jog your memory! Worldkiller claps his hands together and begins to shrink. He gets smaller and smaller and smaller. Liam watches him shrink until he finally says, with a disgusted and somewhat amused expression... LIAM You've got to be kidding me. There, in front of Liam, is a small rodent with large sharp teeth and evil red eyes. LIAM FLUFFY THE HAMSTER!? Lightning crashes. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER Yes, Liam! Fluffy the Hamster is BACK! LIAM But I saw you die and when you're a demon and you die, you just stop existing, right? FLUFFY THE HAMSTER Normally, Liam... but I was called for a darker purpose and, of course, I had to come here to see you again. Nice robe, by the way. Liam covers the two red hearts over his nipples with his hands. 41 EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS 41 Thad is talking to the Liam, Tempus, and Arturo of 2001. THAD It's the end of everything, Liam! Look, you think that Satan comes after you, but... 42 INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT 42 Liam is standing there in front of Fluffy. LIAM Where's Kari? FLUFFY THE HAMSTER Your stalkee turned new girlfriend? She's somewhere safe... for now. LIAM So, you're here to get revenge? Well, go ahead and get it over with! FLUFFY THE HAMSTER Revenge? Liam, my former owner, I am here for a much more diabolical purpose than that, but I do consider revenge a most tempting bonus. I've been waiting a long time for this, Smith. LIAM You blow up these apartments, you'll be just as dead as I'll be. You didn't come back just to kill yourself, did you? No matter how much you hate me, I know you're not going to blow up the apartments while you're here. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER Don't be a dofus, Liam. Do you think I'm stupid enough to blow myself up? I was never here, fool! Fluffy disappears. LIAM Oh, hell. It seemed like a decent gamble at the time. Liam turns and runs for the door. The scene slows to a crawl as he reaches for the doorknob. Just inches from it, there is a loud explosion and everything washes out into a brilliant white. 43 EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS 43 Thad is frantically trying to explain what's going on to the Arturo, Tempus, and Liam of 2001 when, behind them, Upda Creek Apartments EXPLODES in a great fireball. Knocking them to the ground. TEMPUS SUIT, GET OUT OUT OF HERE!!! SUIT Calculating. THAD ARRRRRRGH!!! A giant piece of concrete lands on Thad. More concrete falls out of the sky. LIAM THAD! TEMPUS SUIT, NOW DAMMIT!!! WHAM!!! Concrete smashes down on them, but we see a brilliant flash of light that tells us that they've safely jumped back in time. The shower of debris stops and we see Upda Creek Apartments have been totally destroyed. Tattered and burning pages of porno fall from the sky like tree leaves falling in Autumn as an eerie silence falls over the scene. Suddenly, a door of light appears about seven feet off the ground. THAD falls from it and hits the ground. THAD ARRRRRRRGH-OOF! TEMPUS and CHOCOLATE TREAT jump down from the door which snaps shut above them. Thad continues to scream. TEMPUS Thad, calm down! You're all right! Thad stops screaming and opens his eyes. THAD I'm alive!? TEMPUS Yeah, sorry about the last minute save, but I couldn't allow myself from one year ago to be clued in that I was going to stick around in his future. CHOCOLATE TREAT Thad, honey, where's Liam? THAD Last I saw him, he was in there! They all look at the smoking ruin that is Upda Creek Apartment. A large portion of it is in flames. CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh, Liam! Oh no! THAD Don't worry, Chocolate Treat. I've known Liam for three years and he has the best luck of anyone I've ever seen. If anyone got out of that explosion alive, it would be him. WHAM! A burned body lands in front of them wearing a burned pink lace robe with red hearts over the nipples. The body continues to sizzle and pop and smoke as the others slowly creep over to it with their mouths open in shock. Tempus bends down and looks at the charred face. TEMPUS Uh... Tempus tries to take a pulse off the neck, but the head falls off and rolls down the street. TEMPUS I... don't think he's going to pull through. Lightning flashes overhead. Thad, Chocolate Treat, and Tempus look up into the sky and, above them, two BLOOD RED EYES stare down on them from above the clouds. 44 EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - AERIAL SHOT 44 Thad, Chocolate Treat, and Tempus stand over Liam's body as the camera pulls back revealing all the devastation around them. Music swells as we... FADE OUT: TO BE CONTINUED! -------------------------------------------------------------- TRACI LORDS Hi, I'm Traci Lords and here's a look at the next exciting episode of "The Liam Smith Show"! -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. CAPTAIN SPAZ'S TRANSPARENT ROCKETSHIP CAPTAIN SPAZ My GOD! Whatever it is, it's the size of Jupiter! Why didn't we see this before now!? -------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. THE RUINS OF UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS CAPEMAN This was a coordinated and planned assault to keep us distracted so they could get to him. Now, all is lost. -------------------------------------------------------------- STACY I can't believe he's dead! -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. A TOY STORE Thad and Drew face each other. DREW Who said anything about fighting you, Fido? I'm not just going to kick your ass this time, Thad, I'm going to KILL you! -------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. A HUGE FIELD Suddenly, a light appears from the sky and, from it, MILLIONS OF PARADEMONS - grotesque demon like shock troops - begin to fall from the sky like rain. The superheroes look on in shock as strange TANKS erupt from the ground. The Parademons man the tanks and begin advancing. The camera zooms in on Capeman. CAPEMAN Justice Squad International... ONWARD!!! FADE OUT: ROLL CREDITS