Different Sides of the Same Coin

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.37 - "Different Sides of the Same Coin"
Written by Jason Gaston -------------------------------------------------------------- JUDD HIRSH (V.O.) Hi, this is Judge Hirsh and, in case you missed it, this is what's happened in the last couple of episodes of "The Liam Smith Show". -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. GARY'S APARTMENT Harry the Handyman is talking to everyone. HARRY The Worldkiller's destruction will come down to the combined efforts of five. The child of destiny, the beast by night, the harlequin of madness, the dethroned entrepreneur, and the superhero. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. DREW FANGTASTIC'S PLACE Drew takes out his Hell Timer and creates a vortex. Satan looks at him. SATAN I am impressed. DREW Please, after you... (a beat) ...master. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. THAD'S APARTMENT Bippo is talking on the phone as Thad watches. BIPPO Sure, I'll be right there! Bye Bye! Bippo hangs up, jumps to his feet, and runs out the door. Thad checks the caller ID. It says "Darkness, Prince of: (666) 666-6666". -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. KARI WUHRER'S BEDROOM Satan looms over Liam. LIAM SATAN! SATAN Ah, Liam Smith... you remember when I told you that your reckoning was coming? Well, guess what today is? LIAM What do you want with me!? Satan chuckles. SATAN My dear little boy, what makes you think I'm here for you? Liam looks confused, but then turns his attention over to the bed where Kari Wuhrer sits afraid and huddled in a corner. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. GARY THE FANBOY'S BATHROOM Senestra, Rock, and Tank are about to kill Werewolf Thad when Gary stops them. SENESTRA What ARE you doing, you little bitch? GARY DON'T CALL ME LITTLE BITCH! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARH!!! Gary leaps at them and, in a fury of kicks and punches, Rock and Tank are on the ground and Senestra has been disarmed. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. DONNER'S APARTMENT Kathy Hilter is strangling Donner with a telephone cord. Donner reaches for something on the table. It's the warmer hat he was talking about earlier. He finally grabs it, puts it on Kathy's head, and turns it on "high". KATHY HILTER Oh, it's nice, warm, and cozy! I like this hat! Wow, this could make you a billion dollars! I... WHOOSH! Kathy's head bursts into flames. KATHY HILTER YEARGH!!! -------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. THE POOL Kathy Hilter, her head on fire, leaps inside the pool We hear a loud THUNK-SPLAT sound. -------------------------------------------------------------- ARTURO Did you see that? Some flaming harpy just dived into the pool! WEREWOLF THAD And that thing hasn't had water in it for years! -------------------------------------------------------------- LIAM Guys, Satan just kidnapped Kari Wuhrer! -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. DORIS' APARTMENT Thad is investigating a strange devise in the middle of the room. A panel opens revealing the FINAL FANTASY movie poster. LIAM It's a bomb! -------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Everyone who lives in the apartments runs across the street to safety. Liam turns around and sees Kari Wuhrer tied up in his window. LIAM Oh my God! -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Kari Wuhrer is standing in front of Liam. Her eyes are glowing red. Suddenly, she turns into the dark figure, WORLDKILLER. LIAM GAH! What are you!? WORLDKILLER I am known as Worldkiller. -------------------------------------------------------------- Worldkiller claps his hands together and begins to shrink. He gets smaller and smaller and smaller. Liam watches him shrink until he finally says, with a disgusted and somewhat amused expression... LIAM You've got to be kidding me. There, in front of Liam, is a small rodent with large sharp teeth and evil red eyes. LIAM FLUFFY THE HAMSTER!? Lightning crashes. -------------------------------------------------------------- Liam turns and runs for the door. The scene slows to a crawl as he reaches for the doorknob. Just inches from it, there is a loud explosion and everything washes out into a brilliant white. -------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Upda Creek Apartments EXPLODES in a great fireball. -------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS The building is a smoking ruin. CHOCOLATE TREAT, THAD, and TEMPUS look over the burning wreck. CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh, Liam! Oh no! THAD Don't worry, Chocolate Treat. I've known Liam for three years and he has the best luck of anyone I've ever seen. If anyone got out of that explosion alive, it would be him. WHAM! A burned body lands in front of them wearing a burned pink lace robe with red hearts over the nipples. The body continues to sizzle and pop and smoke as the others slowly creep over to it with their mouths open in shock. Tempus bends down and looks at the charred face. TEMPUS Uh... Tempus tries to take a pulse off the neck, but the head falls off and rolls down the street. TEMPUS I... don't think he's going to pull through. Lightning flashes overhead. Thad, Chocolate Treat, and Tempus look up into the sky and, above them, two BLOOD RED EYES stare down on them from above the clouds. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - AERIAL SHOT Thad, Chocolate Treat, and Tempus stand over Liam's body as the camera pulls back revealing all the devastation around them. FADE OUT: -------------------------------------------------------------- JUDD HIRSH (V.O.) And now, the continuation. FADE IN: 1 EXT. OUTER SPACE 1 CAPTAIN SPAZ, NIGHTFLYER, and COLOSSAL CHUNK fly by in Captain Spaz' Invisible Rocket-ship. They fly towards a large area of space where there are no stars. CAPTAIN SPAZ According to NASA, the origin of the eclipse is coming from this general vicinity. COLOSSAL CHUNK Ain't no stars. NIGHTFLYER Let's stop here and take some readings. And it's "There aren't any stars". I'm going to get you to use verbs and proper grammar if it kills me. (a beat, re: blackness) It's creepy... all that black with no stars. Makes me wish Capeman, Ultrawoman, and Blue Fairy were here. CAPTAIN SPAZ They're dealing with a school bus situation last I heard. Go over there and get on the scanner and maybe we'll find out what's blotting out the sun. Nightflyer and Colossal Chunk look up as Captain Spaz is busy taking readings. A look of horror crosses Nightflyer's face as Colossal Chunk stares blankly on. Spaz continues to look at a panel not noticing what Nightflyer is staring at. A bright red light envelopes them all. CAPTAIN SPAZ My GOD! Whatever it is, it's the size of Jupiter! Why didn't we see this before now!? Maybe if we fire some flares, we can see what it is? NIGHTFLYER No need. CAPTAIN SPAZ What, why? NIGHTFLYER It just opened it's eye. CAPTAIN SPAZ What? Captain Spaz looks up and his jaw drops in astonishment. 2 EXT. SPACE 2 We see Captain Spaz, Colossal Chunk, and Nightflyer standing in the transparent Rocket-ship from a distance of about a hundred feet. The background is awash bright blood red. 3 EXT. SPACE 3 An even wider shot. The rocket-ship is a small dot against a gigantic red background. 4 EXT. SPACE 4 An even wider shot. The earth appears in the foreground. Behind it, two ENORMOUS RED EYES glares down on the planet, each one as large as the world itself. MUSIC STING FADE OUT: 5 --------------------------------------------------------------5

Theme song (to the tune of "Lady Marmalade")

Well we met Liam Smith down in old Upda Creek
That old ratty place got blown up.
Now our old pal Liam is a burned up corpse singin'...

Yippie yippie series finale.
Yippie yippie wrappin' up.
Gimmie gimmie more more Zantac,
'Cause Liam Smith got blown up.

Boomy boomy ka-bang fire.
Blamy-Blamy blam, blam, bup!
A big explosion 'caused by a hamster,
And Liam Smith got blown up!

Olé!

--------------------------------------------------------------

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

Starring

John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"

Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"

and
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

Also Starring

Neil Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"

Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"

Gary Dordan
as
"Tempus"

RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"

Betty White
as
"Doris Winchester"

David Peckinpah
as
"Satan"

Marina Sirtis
as
"Senestra Malevolous"

Scrappy Doo

Fameka Jansen
as
"Ultrawoman"

DJ Qualls
as
"Captain Spaz"

Tim Meadows
as
"Nightflyer"

Harvey Firestien
as
"Blue Fairy"

Jack Black
as
"Doctor Wham"

Jason Lee
as
"Cosmic Weasel"

and
Most Improved, Jason Gaston
as
"Donner"

Special Guest Stars

Joan Rivers
as
the voice of
"S.U.I.T."

Michael Dorn
as
the voice of
"Fluffy the Hamster"

and
Seth Green
as
"Quasar"

Contains no dolphin.

5 EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS 5 Across the street from the burning wreck of the building, DORIS, ARTURO, STACY, TRIUMPH, GARY, and DONNER stand watching the smoke from across the street. Finally, Three figures emerge as firetrucks and ambulances arrive on the scene. It's THAD, CHOCOLATE TREAT, and TEMPUS. ARTURO Are you all right? THAD We're... fine, professor. Stacy looks around. STACY Where's Liam? Thad looks back at the wreckage of Upda Creek Apartments and then back at Stacy. THAD Uh... Er... W-We... couldn't find him. But don't worry, I'm sure he got out some way. About that time, two PARAMEDICS walk by with a covered gurney. The body on the gurney is still smoking. PARAMEDIC #1 How do you like your cadavers? Crispy or extra crispy? PARAMEDIC #2 I don't know, but I've got a hankering for some barbecue right now. They laugh as they toss the body into the ambulance and slam the door. Stacy starts wailing. STACY OH, LIAM!!!! THAD Boy, this feels awkward. Arturo, obviously saddened looks up into the dark sky. There are two large red eyes staring down on the planet. ARTURO It's here. Tempus looks up. TEMPUS Yeah. This is a fork in the road of time, here. What we do next affects the next thousand years of history. CHOCOLATE TREAT But how do we fight something that big? Everyone looks at the Worldkiller in orbit. CAPEMAN, ULTRAWOMAN, and BLUE FAIRY arrive. In the background, Captain Spaz lands his transparent rocketship in the middle of the street. A taxi rams into the invisible ship as NIGHTFLYER, COLOSSAL CHUNK, and CAPTAIN SPAZ get out and join everyone. CAPTAIN SPAZ What happened here? CAPEMAN Isn't it obvious, numbnuts? We were all distracted and no one was here to protect him. This was a coordinated and planned assault to keep us distracted so they could get to him. Now, all is lost. ULTRAWOMAN I refuse to believe that. CAPEMAN You don't understand, Ultrawoman! Worldkiller isn't your average everyday villain! He's a force of nature older than Hell itself! Worldkiller is an engine that runs off the souls of the innocent and brings madness whereever it goes. It's first step will be to send down an army of parademons. There will be millions of them! Arturo steps forward. ARTURO And how do YOU know this? CAPEMAN I just do. I've been waiting for this moment for over five years. BLUE FAIRY Then you're our best source of information. ULTRAWOMAN Agreed. We have to stop these... para-demons whatever they are. We call in the reserves. Cosmic Weasel, Doctor Wham, Bahama Mon, The Texan, Black Puma. All of them. NIGHTFLYER (flinches) ALL of them? ULTRAWOMAN All of them. NIGHTFLYER Even...? ULTRAWOMAN (sighs) Yes, even Justice Squad West Coast. NIGHTFLYER Crap. CAPEMAN What do you hope to do? You know and I know where this is going to lead. ULTRAWOMAN I don't know where this is going to lead, Capeman. Now, are you going to help us save the world or what? CAPEMAN (a beat) Sure, why not? Might as well get killed now than suffer later. COLOSSAL CHUNK That spirit, Capeman! Capeman, Blue Fairy, and Ultrawoman take off. Captain Spaz, Nightflyer, and Colossal Chunk run for the general direction of the transparent rocket-ship and start looking for it by walking around with their arms out. Doris is holding Stacy who is weeping furiously. ARTURO All right, there's going to be a war. Everyone who can help out should. THAD Right. And who would that be? ARTURO YOU, you IDIOT! THAD Me? ARTURO Yes, you! You and Drew are supernatural abominations while Tempus here has a 31st century timesuit and Bippo... Well, Bippo is Bippo! You four could help turn the tide! TEMPUS Good point. Tempus activates his timesuit and jumps into the air. He hovers over them for a second. TEMPUS I'm going to go join the rest of the heroes. Thad, you and Drew and Bippo meet us up there. Tempus takes off. TRIUMPH I never knew he could fly. Look at him go, like a graceful fairy. CHOCOLATE TREAT Where IS Bippo, anyway? Thad remembers. THAD He got a call and left before we found the bomb. I can't remember where. I'll go get Drew. Professor... get everyone to safty. Thad runs off. CHOCOLATE TREAT Are we missing anyone else? Arturo looks. ARTURO Gary... where the bloody hell is Gary? DORIS Who cares? I haven't seen him since we found the bomb! The little dweeb probably ran away like the little bitch he is. (to Stacy) Stacy, dear... are you all right? Stacy nods. DORIS Maximillion, dear, take care of her, would you? I've got to call in a favor that might help us out. Doris walks to her car and drives away. Nightflyer, Colossal Chunk, and Captain Spaz are still looking for the transparent rocket. ARTURO (to Stacy) I guess it's just you, me, Chocolate Treat and the mongrel. TRIUMPH You call Stacy a mongrel again and I'll bite you in your ample ass! CHOCOLATE TREAT Come on, let's go find someplace safe. CLANG! NIGHTFLYER (O.C.) Ow! I found it! 6 EXT. A CEMETERY 6 Thad runs along the tombstones until he reaches Drew's rebuilt tomb. He knocks on the door, but there is no answer. Finally, he spies a note taped to the side of the door. He rips it off and starts reading. THAD (reading) From the desk of Drew Fangtastic: Out at Toys 'R' Us with Bippo the Clown. Please wash necks and wait. Thad crumples the note up. THAD Toys 'R' Us, huh? Thad runs off. THAD I really need a car! 7 INT. A STORAGE SHED 7 Arturo, Stacy, Chocolate Treat, and Triumph enter. Stacy, a little more composed, sits down. STACY I can't believe he's dead! CHOCOLATE TREAT I know. He died without diving into the love chasm that is my pooty-poo. ARTURO There, there, child... It'll all be all right. We'll stay here until it all blows over and everything will be fine. TRIUMPH Liam. A great guy. I'm going to miss him. He was a pillar of love and a wonderful human being. CHOCOLATE TREAT What? For you to poop on? TRIUMPH You said it, not me. STACY (sniffs) I'm just glad you're here, professor. I'm glad you're not going anywhere. ARTURO Er... TRIUMPH Aw, hell. You mean you haven't TOLD them yet? ARTURO No, and shut up you filthy animal! CHOCOLATE TREAT Told us what? ARTURO Nothing! STACY Told us WHAT!? A beat. ARTURO I'm... leaving. A beat. CHOCOLATE TREAT You're leaving to where? ARTURO Home, hopefully. I've configured a new timer and will resume sliding. STACY But, why? ARTURO Because I miss it! I miss the adventure and, damn me, I miss my home! My real home! STACY When are you going to go? ARTURO Not any time soon, child, I assure you. I'm going to stay right here through this entire crisis. I promise you. Stacy hugs him. STACY We're going to miss you. ARTURO And I you, child. And I you. 8 EXT. EAST LEE S. CAPABLE PRISION 8 9 INT. A HALLWAY 9 Capeman and Ultrawoman walk down the dimly lit hallway of the prision with cells on each side of them. They pass BITCHSLAP, ROBERT BLAKE, THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR BASTARD, LEONA HELMSLEY, MILITANT FEMINIST, and several other costumed villains. Finally, they reach a specific cell. We can't see who's inside. ULTRAWOMAN (to prisoner) You remember us? VOICE How could I forget? You butt-holes put me in here in the first place. CAPEMAN Don't sound so abrasive. After all, we're here to do you a favor... Quasar. The prisoner steps out of the shadows and up to the bars of the cell. It is indeed the blue-skinned alien teen QUASAR from "Apocalyptic Appetizer" and "The Main Course". QUASAR What kind of favor? ULTRAWOMAN A full pardon. QUASAR What's the catch? ULTRAWOMAN Just the little matter of you helping the world's largest metahuman army fend off the most dangerous threat this planet's ever witnessed. QUASAR Sure, what's that? CAPEMAN Worldkiller. QUASAR Pass. Quasar goes back and sits on his bunk. Ultrawoman looks peeved. ULTRAWOMAN Scared, Quasar? That's not like the young man I saw single handedly go head to head with Mike the devourer of worlds. QUASAR Look, Mike told me about Worldkiller once. That thing's been around since the beginning of creation! It's an unstoppable force of evil and next to it, Mike was about as formidable as a paraplegic stillborn wood tick. CAPEMAN So you're just going to sit here and wait for this thing to kill you? QUASAR What? I thought you said I was paroled! CAPEMAN You are... let's just call this mandatory civil service. Quasar considers that. QUASAR What about my cosmic boogie board? Without it, I'm not much good to anyone. ULTRAWOMAN Your boogie board was destroyed and Earth science has been unable to reproduce it. However, we do have an alternate. Ultrawoman produces what looks like a high-tech walking stick. QUASAR What the hell is that? ULTRAWOMAN It's from Microsoft. Bill Gates was going to use it to wipe Netscape off the face of the Earth, but it was confiscated from him during the Senate hearings. QUASAR A shame. I would like to see an end to net-sucks too. So what is that? ULTRAWOMAN We call it a Cosmic Stick. CAPEMAN A Cosmic Stick for a Super Dick. Ultrawoman elbows Capeman, opens the cell and gives the Cosmic Stick to Quasar. As soon as Quasar grabs it, it begins to glow and he levitates off the ground. QUASAR Hey! I've got my powers back! CAPEMAN You've got a third of your powers back. You can keep them and go free... IF you help us. Quasar floats back down to the floor. QUASAR What's to keep me from taking this Cosmic Stick of yours and leaving Earth like a rat from a sinking ship. Ultrawoman holds up a small device. ULTRAWOMAN This. It's a kill switch. You run, and I cut power to your stick. CAPEMAN A nasty prospect if you're trying to fly through space like a rat. Quasar considers this. ULTRAWOMAN The decision is yours, Quasar. You can wait here and stay in prision, or you can join us and hopefully turn the tide. A beat. QUASAR Eh, what the hell? I'm with ya. Ultrawoman and Capeman smile as Quasar steps out of the cell. CAPEMAN You won't regret this, Quasar. QUASAR Call me Ma'x... and don't lie to me. 10 EXT. TOYS 'R' US 10 Establishing shot. 11 INT. TOYS 'R' US 11 Amid the brightly lit store, dozens of parents and kids shop for toys and stuff. The camera centers on DREW FANGTASTIC looking absolutely bad ass in a black leather trenchcoat and black shades. He stands there expressionless as kids play around him. Suddenly, a little kid with a baseball bat runs into him and falls to the floor. DREW Hey! The little boy's mother runs up and picks the little boy off the floor. MOTHER Jeremy! (to Drew) I'm terribly sorry about that, sir. (to little boy) You should watch where you're going! Now apologize to the man! LITTLE BOY He shouldn't have been standing there. MOTHER Jeremy! Drew smiles. DREW Oh, don't worry about it, ma'am. Boy will me boys, isn't that what they always say? He notices the bat. DREW Ah, like baseball do we, son? LITTLE BOY Yeah. Drew bends down in front of the little boy, out of the mother's sight. DREW Well, I could personally arrange for you to be a bat boy. Would you like that? Drew pushes his shades down revealing his evil blood-red eyes. He smiles revealing his fangs. The little boy screams and hits Drew in the face with his baseball bat. Drew goes down. DREW Argh! You little git! MOTHER Jeremy! You little monster! LITTLE BOY I'm not a monster! He's a monster! MONSTER! MONSTER! Drew puts his shades on and stands up. MOTHER Oh, I'm terribly sorry. He's usually such a well behaved boy! DREW Indeed. I hope I have ten just like him. The Mother grabs the little boy and drags him off. Drew rubs his face and looks mighty pissed at being humiliated by a five-year-old. He turns around and keeps watching the door waiting for Thad. LITTLE BOY (O.C.) But I'm telling you, Mom! He had red eyes and sharp teeth! Drew glances back at the little boy and his mother. Drew is obviously more annoyed than ever. MOTHER I don't want to hear another word about it, young man! Now you stay here while I go to the ladies room and stay out of trouble! The mother walks off leaving the little boy alone. Drew grins, sneaks around a different aisle, and comes up behind the little boy. DREW Jeremy, isn't it? The little boy spins around and tries to hit Drew with the bat again. Drew grabs it and yanks it out of the boy's hand. Drew puts his hand on the boy's shoulder and holds him. DREW Manner, Jeremy. Manners. Now, I'm going to ask a very special favor of you, all right? I'm going to ask that you cease calling me a monster because it is drawing some unwanted attention to me. Drew examines the bat. DREW A Little Slugger, eh? Nice craftsmanship. Now, if you don't stop your rantings, this will be your spine. Drew Breaks the bat in two and hands them to the little boy. DREW I trust we understand each other, right? The little boy, scared out of his wits, nods feverishly. DREW There's a good lad. Drew walks off leaving the kid with his broken baseball bat. 12 INT. TOYS 'R' US 12 At the front door, Thad enters and looks around. 13 INT. TOYS 'R' US - ANOTHER ANGLE 13 Drew sees Thad enter. He smiles and strides towards him. 14 INT. TOYS 'R' US 14 The Little Boy is staring wide-eyed at the two halves of the bat when his Mother re-enters. MOTHER What in the WORLD did you do to that? LITTLE BOY I... Uh... MOTHER I swear, they just don't make these like they used to. Come on, let's go get you another one. 15 INT. TOYS 'R' US 15 Thad sees Drew. THAD Drew, there you are! I've been looking for you. DREW Do tell? THAD Yeah, there's some totally freaky stuff going down now. The apartments have been blown away and... (sadly) Liam's dead. DREW Well, that's a shame. THAD So I came down here to get you and Bippo because the Justice Squad needs as many big guns and muscle as they can get and I... DREW Bippo's not here. THAD Well, where is he? KB? FAO Shwartz? DREW The Netherregions. THAD Never heard of that toy store. DREW It's not a toy store, you simpleton! Bippo has been taken to Hell to serve Satan! THAD What? Why? DREW Simple, you stupid dog-man. Satan offered Bippo a position where he could make as much consequence-free mischief as he wanted and Bippo accepted. THAD You mean... Bippo's working for the devil now? Why? DREW Because the master knew nothing would hurt Liam Smith more than having one of his dearest friends turn against him. True, since Liam is now a member of the dearly departed that's a moot point, but you must admit, the irony is still delicious. THAD Do I need to clean my ears out or did you just call Satan "master"? DREW A little of both, I imagine. THAD So... why did you say in that note that Bippo was here? DREW Simple. I have been assigned the vaunted duty of dealing with you, my nemesis. THAD Drew, I don't have time to fight you right now. DREW Who said anything about fighting you, Fido? I'm not just going to kick your ass this time, Thad, I'm going to KILL you! Drew leaps at Thad with fangs bared. Thad and Drew fall backwards into an entire shelve of Star Wars action figures crushing and killing a dozen geeky Warsies behind it. Thad wolfs out and kicks Drew off of him. WEREWOLF THAD Drew, this isn't like you! What the hell's going on? DREW Let's just say I've had a change of perspective. Drew goes Street Fighter on Thad kicking and punching. Drew leaps into the air and the picture freezes as the camera pivots around them Matrix-style. WEREWOLF THAD Aw, sh-- WHAM! Drew kicks Werewolf Thad in the face sending him flying into a stack of Baby Whoopsie cry and pee dolls. Thad crawls out of the pile soaking wet. WEREWOLF THAD All right, if that's the way you want to play it. Drew kicks at Werewolf Thad again, but Werewolf Thad does a backflip and runs up a vertical wall Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon style. Drew takes place after him as they jog across toy shelves like in the movie. Thad grabs some boxes of SIMON memory games and throws them at Drew who ducks out of the way. The Simons strike the far wall and embed themselves in the concrete. LITTLE BOY AWESOME! Werewolf Thad and Drew land in a clear area. DEEP VOICE FIGHT! Werewolf Thad and Drew look around trying to find out where the voice came from. Finally, they both shrug and jump at each other. 16 INT. TOYS 'R' US 16 The picture changes to a Video Game screen that looks like Mortal Kombat complete with scores and hit meters. Werewolf Thad does the Lu Kang kick at Drew who ducks out of the way and flips to the other side of the screen. DREW GET OVER HERE!!! Drew throws the Scorpion grappler, hooks Werewolf Thad and pulls him across the screen where Drew executes a wicked upper cut splattering blood all over the place. Werewolf Thad falls to the floor as Drew raises his arms in victory. VOICE Drew Fangtastic wins. Flawless victory! The camera pulls back to reveal Werewolf Thad and Drew playing the video game. DREW I win. WEREWOLF THAD YOU try hitting these buttons with these claws! You cheated! DREW Why you little...! Drew and Werewolf Thad continue to pummel each other. 17 INT. A DARK ROOM 17 GARY THE FANBOY is standing there. GARY Well, I guess I can't put this off any longer... Gary puts on a pair of gloves and a purple top. He affixes a mask to himself and walks out. 18 EXT. THE KANSAS COUNTRYSIDE 18 The old Adam West BATMOBILE zooms down the road. The bat symbol has a red "X" painted over it and the words "THE WEASEL WAGON" have been crudely spray-painted on the side. 19 INT. THE WEASEL WAGON 19 DOCTOR WHAM is looking around the countryside as COSMIC WEASEL drives. DOCTOR WHAM Are you sure this is the right place? COSMIC WEASEL Capeman said to meet him in the most desolate area of the world and Kansas was the first place that popped in my mind. DOCTOR WHAM Kansas? You IDIOT! Do you have any idea how insulting that is? What about the Sahara Desert or the Siberian Tundra or Antarctica or... COSMIC WEASEL (points) There they are. Doctor Wham's jaw drops as Cosmic Weasel stops the car. They both get out and walk over to where Ultrawoman, Nightflyer, Colossal Chunk, Quasar, Captain Spaz, and Blue Fairy are standing. ULTRAWOMAN Good, you're here. When Capeman said "the most desolate place on Earth", we thought you'd go to the Sahara or Antarctic, or Siberia or something. COSMIC WEASEL Where is everyone? I thought this was supposed to be the largest meta human army in the history of mankind. Nightflyer looks around. NIGHTFLYER Maybe their not going to show up? From the distance, we hear the sound of bagpipes. CAPTAIN SPAZ Y-You guys hear that? From beyond a hill, we see a costumed superhuman come into view. Then another, then another, then another. After a few seconds, there are thousands and thousands of them. CAPEMAN is leading the group. CAPEMAN This Worldkiller may take our lives, but it will never take... OUR FREEDOM! Everyone stops and looks at Capeman. CAPEMAN All right, so I've always wanted to do that. So sue me. Cosmic Weasel, Doctor Wham, Ultrawoman, Quasar, Blue Fairy, Nightflyer, Captain Spaz, and Colossal Chunk run up to them. NIGHTFLYER Look at all the tight mandex... I mean, spandex! BLUE FAIRY There must be thousands of them! Every superhero on the planet! NIGHTFLYER (shutters) EVERY superhero on the planet? THE GREEN BULIMIC, CHICKEN-PLUCKER, JOHNNY FLESH-WOUNDS, BIKINI GIRL & LINGERIE LASS and TOILET-MAN & BIDET are standing next to Nightflyer who jumps back in shock. TOILET-MAN Hello! NIGHTFLYER GUH! JOHNNY FLESH WOUNDS Justice Squad West Coast ready to serve. Johnny Flesh Wounds goes to shake Nightflyer's hand, but misses and hits him in the crotch. NIGHTFLYER GAH! JOHNNY FLESH WOUNDS Sorry. Is there anything I can do? NIGHTFLYER Yeah, go play in traffic... but get me an ice pack first. BAHAMA MON stands next to Capeman. BAHAMA MON When are we expectin' dee attack, mon? CAPEMAN Well, Worldkiller is intelligent so it will no doubt detect the massing of meta-humans in this area, recognize them as a threat, and act accordingly. Therefore, I expect the attack in about ten seconds. BAHAMA MON Ten seconds? Suddenly, a light appears from the sky and, from it, MILLIONS OF PARADEMONS - grotesque demon like shock troops - begin to fall from the sky like rain. The superheroes look on in shock as strange TANKS erupt from the ground. The Parademons man the tanks and begin advancing. The camera zooms in on Capeman. CAPEMAN Justice Squad International... ONWARD!!! Chicken Plucker takes out a Chicken and starts unzipping his pants. CHICKEN-PLUCKER MOTHER PLUCKERRRRRRRRR! A laser blast from a Parademon tank hits Chicken-Plucker, vaporizing him and leaving only a scorch mark on the ground and feathers flying in the breeze. GREEN BULEMIC THEY KILLED CHICKEN PLUCKER!!! NIGHTFLYER Oh, thank God. 20 INT. TOYS 'R' US 20 DREW FANGTASTIC has WEREWOLF THAD'S head and is beating it against the floor. WEREWOLF THAD OW! OW! OW! OW! Werewolf Thad kicks him off and does a backflip to a standing position. WEREWOLF THAD All right, let's see how you fair against THIS! Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up" begins to play as Werewolf Thad does a wire-assisted twirling leap into the air and lands on a high shelf. Drew smirks and kicks his leg almost vertical into the air and remains in that position like a karate master. We hear his pants rip. DREW Oops. WEREWOLF THAD HAW! Now I see why you're so bitter! DREW You son of a...! Drew does a wire assisted leap into the air. Werewolf Thad leaps out and the two run into each other, falling to the ground. They get up and circle each other, both looking fierce and battle ready. Suddenly, they leap at each other and start slap-fighting like a couple of little girls. 21 EXT. THE KANSAS COUNTRYSIDE 21 The Parademons and Superheroes are involved in a massive ground battle and it's easy to see that the casualties are massing up quickly. Capeman throws off twenty parademons as a purple-clad skinny superhero with a giant "F" on his costume flips by and judo chops a parademon in the neck. It's painfully obvious that this new hero is GARY in disguise. FANBOY Not to worry, Capeman! I, FANBOY, am here to join the fight! Capeman looks at him with disgust. CAPEMAN Gary, what the hell are you doing? FANBOY Who is this Gary you speak of? I am FANBOY, the tenacious trekkie! The Warrior Warsie! The... CAPEMAN Gary, you're not fooling anyone. FANBOY Oh, let me stay! Please? I've always wanted to be a superhero and this is my last chance! CAPEMAN (sighs) Fine. FANBOY Oh GOODY! A parademon leaps at Fanboy. CAPEMAN Look out! FANBOY ARRRRRRRGH! A ray of light hits the Parademon who turns to dust and bone. TEMPUS descends from the clouds. TEMPUS Not to worry, comrades... I've taken care of the parademon by aging him eight-hundred years to dust. CAPEMAN (smirks, to Gary) You look parched, Fanboy. Maybe you should wet yourself... or have you done that already? FANBOY (huffs) I must go! FANBOY is needed elsewhere. Tempus and Capeman watches him go. TEMPUS Gary decide to be a superhero, huh? CAPEMAN Yep. TEMPUS Well, at least that will end all the rumors that he's your secret identity. CAPEMAN What? People thought HE was me? What do you mean by...? Who are they? I'LL KILL THEM!!! TEMPUS Sorry I'm late, by the way... When you said the most desolate place on Earth, I went to Salt Lake City. CAPEMAN Not to worry, Time-Man. TEMPUS What? Capeman vaporizes an oncoming parademon with his heat vision. CAPEMAN Time-Man. You're officially a member of the Justice Squad International Task Force and you NEED a code name. TEMPUS What's wrong with Tempus? CAPEMAN You can't use your first name! That would be like Nightflyer calling himself Willard. NIGHTFLYER (O.C.) DAMMIT, CAPEMAN!!! TEMPUS I don't have time for this. We've got a war to fight and I don't want to bother picking out a juvenile superhero name! No one's come up to me and said "Hey, Tempus! Thanks for joining the fight!" No one's even bothered to wish me a happy birthday today! CAPEMAN It's your birthday? TEMPUS Yeah. I'm 32 today. Thanks for asking. Tempus zaps a Parademon with a beam de-aging it to a little Parademon baby. CAPEMAN But if you're thirty two and you came from 3033 and you've spent a year in our time, that would mean you were born on this day in 3002! TEMPUS So? CAPEMAN So, I've just figured out your superhero name. Tempus, the man fighting a thousand years before the day he was born. Tempus: The Millennium Man. TEMPUS Millennium Man? (a grin) I like that. A parademon leaps at Capeman who grabs him in mid air by the face and breaks him in two. CAPEMAN Me too. So, Millennium Man, are you ready to kick some ass? TEMPUS I'm ready to kick their asses all the way back to 3033! CAPEMAN THAT'S THE SPIRIT! Capeman and Tempus leap back into the action, Capeman firing his heat vision and Tempus shooting time beams. 22 INT. TOYS 'R' US 22 Werewolf Thad and Drew Fangtastic circle each other, both breathing hard from the fight. WEREWOLF THAD Drew, this isn't like you! Why are you doing this! Can't you see that the Worldkiller is here!? We HAVE to stop fighting like this! DREW I don't care anymore! I don't have Anna, I don't have my best friend, I don't even have a life I can call my own anymore! So you tell me, Thad... Why should I give a DAMN about the world when the world never gave so much as a damn for me? WEREWOLF THAD What, you think you're the only one with problems? Have you not noticed the hair and fangs and big wolf ears I've got? I haven't had anything I would call a decent relationship in three years! I shed, I lick myself in public, and I have fleas! I ATE MY PARENTS, FOR GOD'S SAKE! DREW I never thought of it that way. WEREWOLF THAD Drew, you and I have more in common that you care to admit. If we work TOGETHER instead of trying to bash each other's heads in because of a book written a couple of thousand years before either of us were born, then what the hell is the point of it all!? Drew stands there. DREW Thad, I... I'm sorry. I don't know what's come over me. WEREWOLF THAD Come with me. We'll find Bippo and we'll help the others stop Worldkiller. The world may not give a damn about you, Drew... But I do. Werewolf Thad holds out his hand in friendship. DREW Thad, that's simply the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Drew shakes his hand and smiles, then knees him in the groin and hits him on the back of the head with his elbow. Thad goes down in a heap. DREW You bloody idiot! Did you honestly think I was going to fall for that stupid Kevin Costner speech? Hell, I've spent way too much time on this confrontation as it is. Time to finish you off once and for all! Drew puts his hands around Werewolf Thad's throat and begins to squeeze, choking the life out of him. Thad struggles, but Drew proves to be too strong. Werewolf Thad's free hand scrambles to find something. He grabs a Nerf bat and hits Drew with it. DREW Pathetic. Werewolf Thad tosses the Nerf Bat aside and grabs a Barbie doll. He hits Drew across the face with it. DREW Deplorable! Thad tosses aside the Barbie doll. You can tell he's getting weaker. His blood-shot eyes begin to roll up in his skull. Werewolf Thad's free hand frantically searches for something... anything he can use. DREW Die, you cursed mongrel! DIE! Werewolf Thad's free hand finds something. Quickly he brings it around and CRUNCH! Drew's eyes go wide and he coughs. Drew appears totally stunned. He looks down and sees a jagged piece of wood sticking through his chest with the words "LITTLE SLUGGER" stenciled across it. Drew releases Thad who gasps for air and scrambles away. DREW Ah... Ow. Drew falls foreword dead. The body crumbles to dust. In the background, the LITTLE BOY and MOTHER crawl out from safety and look on. LITTLE BOY (to Mother) Next time, I want a bigger bat. Werewolf Thad looks around until it looks like he remembers something. He reaches down and picks up Drew's trenchcoat scattering dust all over the place. He reaches into the pocket and pulls out Drew's HELL TIMER. WEREWOLF THAD YES! (a beat) Sorry Drew, but maybe that will teach you a lesson. Werewolf Thad messes with the controls, stops when he realizes what he said doesn't make any sense, and then creates a wormhole. WEREWOLF THAD Hell, huh? All right, Hell, get ready 'cause I'm coming on down! Bippo... I'm coming to save you, buddy!!! Werewolf Thad runs and leaps into the wormhole. It snaps shut leaving the patrons of the toy store looking on in shock. MUSIC STING FADE OUT: TO BE CONTINUED! -------------------------------------------------------------- COURTNEY LOVE Hey, this is Courtney Love and here's from fu-(bleep)-ng scenes from next week's stupid f-(bleep) king ass episode of this gay ass f(bleep!)ing piece of sh(Bleep!)t show! -------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. THE KANSAS COUNTRYSIDE A battle is raging between superheroes and demons. The demons are about to shoot an unsuspecting Ultrawoman with a huge cannon. CAPEMAN ULTRAWOMAN, LOOK OUT! Capeman leaps in front of her and takes the full brunt of the blast. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. HELL SCRAPPY You mean to tell me that we've been doing the bidding of a f*cking hamster? -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. HELL Werewolf Thad looks up and sees Satan. WEREWOLF THAD GAH! Not to worry! I came prepared for this! Werewolf Thad pulls out a chunk of green glowing rock. WEREWOLF THAD HAH! Kryptonite! Do you feel yourself getting weaker, Satan? Weeeeeeaker? -------------------------------------------------------------- ULTRAWOMAN Capeman's dying. -------------------------------------------------------------- CAPEMAN (weakly) I want to tell you who I am. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. HELL SATAN Bippo the Clown and Thad Coffey. You are now required to fight each other to the death. THAD What? Never! I'm not going to kill my best friend! BIPPO Good! That'll make me killing you a WHOLE lot better! Bippo leaps at Thad who jumps out of the way. MUSIC STING FADE OUT: ROLL CREDITS

The preceeding program contained harsh language and acts of senseless violence and should not have been read by anyone under the age of 21.