Son of Abyss! THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.39 - "Son of Abyss!"
Written by Jason Gaston BOB SAGET Hi, I'm Bob Saget and you're not. Hee hee hee. (a silent pause) In case you missed it, here's what happened last time and the time before that and, I think, the time before that on The Liam Smith Show. I guess they should have called this show "Time After Time". (a silent pause. Someone in the audience coughs.) Someone roll the footage. I'm off to go shoot myself. The audience cheers. -------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Upda Creek Apartments EXPLODES in a great fireball. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. CAPTAIN SPAZ'S INVISIBLE ROCKET - IN SPACE NIGHTFLYER It just opened it's eye. CAPTAIN SPAZ What? Captain Spaz looks up and his jaw drops in astonishment. EXT. SPACE The earth appears in the foreground. Behind it, two ENORMOUS RED EYES glares down on the planet, each one as large as the world itself. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. TOYS 'R' US Drew and Thad are talking. DREW I'm not just going to kick your ass this time, Thad, I'm going to KILL you! -------------------------------------------------------------- Various scenes of Werewolf Thad and Drew fighting. -------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. KANSAS A light appears from the sky and, from it, MILLIONS OF PARADEMONS - grotesque demon like shock troops - begin to fall from the sky like rain. TANKS erupt from the ground. The Parademons man the tanks and begin advancing. The camera zooms in on Capeman and his army of EVERY SINGLE SUPERHERO IN THE WORLD. CAPEMAN Justice Squad International... ONWARD!!! -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. TOYS 'R' US Thad stakes Drew through the heart. DREW Ah... Ow. Drew falls foreword dead and crumbles into dust. Thad reaches into Drew's pocket and pulls out Drew's HELL TIMER. WEREWOLF THAD Hell, huh? All right, Hell, get ready 'cause I'm coming on down! Bippo... I'm coming to save you, buddy!!! Werewolf Thad runs and leaps into the wormhole. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. HELL FLUFFY THE HAMSTER has just revealed himself as the WORLDKILLER to the QUADRANGLE. SCRAPPY You mean to tell me that we've been doing the bidding of a f*cking hamster? Fluffy looks at Scrappy who is knocked back by an unseen force. He hits a wall and falls to the ground. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. HELL Satan grabs Werewolf Thad and drags him off. -------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. THE KANSAS BATTLEFIELD The cannon fires. Capeman flies in front of Ultrawoman and takes the brunt of the blast. The heroes on the ground shield their eyes from the massive bright light. The light finally fades and ULTRAWOMAN looks around. ULTRAWOMAN Capeman? Where did you...? (she looks down) Oh no. There on the ground, surrounded by dozens of superheroes, Capeman lies on the ground a bruised and bloody mess clearly on the verge of death. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. THE BLUE WALL A dying Capeman is talking to Donner. CAPEMAN I'm... Well, there's no other way of putting it. I'm you. DONNER Me? -------------------------------------------------------------- DONNER Me confused. CAPEMAN Donner, I am you... I'm you five years in the future. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. DONCO INDUSTRIES Donner activates the Gamma-tron and sends himself back in time. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. THE BLUE WALL CAPEMAN I'M ALIVE! Donner went back? ULTRAWOMAN Yes, he went back and... CAPEMAN And formed a partnership with his younger self, but since he gets amnesia, he doesn't remember, but... (a beat) I do. I remember everything! -------------------------------------------------------------- SATAN Bippo the Clown and Thad Coffey. You are now required to fight each other to the death. THAD What? Never! I'm not going to kill my best friend! BIPPO Good! That'll make me killing you a WHOLE lot easier! -------------------------------------------------------------- Bippo stabs Thad with a silver sword and Thad falls down dead in a growing pool of blood. MUSIC STING FADE OUT: -------------------------------------------------------------- BOB SAGET And now, the continuation. The sound of a gunshot and a body fall. -------------------------------------------------------------- FADE IN: SOMEWHERE We see pure white fill the screen. Finally, we see the silhouette of a man and garbled speaking. The voice is kind and loving, but we can't understand a word of it. As we get closer to the silhouette, the figure extends it's hand and we finally barely hear the words... FIGURE Take my hand... Another hand takes the figure's hand and a new figure is pulled into frame. The new figure passes in front of the old one which comes into focus. It's DRAKE DANIELS. DRAKE Hello, Liam. The camera pans over to reveal that the new figure is LIAM SMITH. LIAM Dad? FADE OUT: --------------------------------------------------------------

Theme Song (to the theme of "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" from Monty Python's Life of Brian)

Some archs are really bad,
They can really make you mad.
Like the ones on Babylon 5 and your soaps.

So when your reading these last few eps,
Don't be so upset,
Just remember that I'm just an amatur...

So...

Always look for the good things in these shows.
(Whistle... Whistle, whistle, whistle)
Try to look past all the stuff that blows.
(Whistle... Whistle, whistle, whistle)

Oh, the jokes cause quiet a stir,
and I understand they are absurd,
Just remember that I'm not paid to deal my shocks.

But then again, if you think,
They're paying millions to some dink...
to write a show about a f*cking baby that talks!

So...

Always look for the good things in this rot!
(Whistle... Whistle, whistle, whistle)
At least until we see what the Justice Squad's got.
(Whistle... Whistle, whistle, whistle)
Always look for the good stuff in this mess!
(Whistle... Whistle, whistle, whistle)
And give me a break because I did my absolute best!
(Whistle... Whistle, whistle, whistle)

OLE!

--------------------------------------------------------------

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
IN COLOR!

Starring

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"

Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"

and
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

Also Starring

Neil Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"

Gary Dordan
as
"Tempus"

RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"

David Peckinpah
as
"Satan"

Marina Sirtis
as
"Senestra Malevolous"

and
Scrappy Doo

Special Guest Stars

Joan Rivers
as
the voice of
"S.U.I.T."

and
Michael Dorn
as
the voice of
"Fluffy the Hamster"

If you had skipped the credits, you would be half-way done with the story by now.

FADE IN: INT. HEAVEN LIAM and DRAKE are standing facing each other in the brilliant beautiful white of heaven. LIAM Aw, shucks and such! I've been sent back to 1979 again, haven't I? DRAKE Uh, no... actually... no. You've been sent to the great beyond. LIAM What? DRAKE You've bought the farm. LIAM I can't afford a farm! DRAKE Your number's up. LIAM (looks up) Up where? DRAKE You've... kicked the bucket. LIAM I thought my big toe was a little sore. DRAKE (getting fed up) You've died, Liam. LIAM (touches his hair) No, it's still the same color. DRAKE Jesus! VOICE (O.C.) Yes? DRAKE Oh, sorry. Not you. (to Liam) All right, let me put it like this. You were blown away by a bomb. LIAM Yeah, I loved Final Fantasy even if it didn't make any money. DRAKE JESUS! VOICE (O.C.) Yes? DRAKE Sorry. Not you. (a beat, to Liam) Liam... this is Heaven and you are dead. LIAM Wait, it's all coming back to me now... There was a bomb and I went back to rescue Kari Wuhrer, only... DRAKE Only it really wasn't Kari Wuhrer, it was Worldkiller. LIAM Who isn't really Worldkiller, but Fluffy the Hamster. DRAKE Actually, Fluffy and Worldkiller are much the same. LIAM What? I'm confused. DRAKE No, really? LIAM You don't have to be so rude! Jesus! VOICE (O.C.) Yes? LIAM Sorry. (to Drake) All right, I'm dead and we're in heaven, right? DRAKE Yes. LIAM Wow, it's so clean! DRAKE Yes, it is. LIAM Is there anyone here who can tell me everything I need to know about the Worldkiller? DRAKE Well, yes... LIAM Good, take me to them. DRAKE All right, but why? LIAM Because I'd like to know everything I can about it before I go back to Earth and... DRAKE Liam... Son, there IS no going back. LIAM What? DRAKE You're dead, Liam. You can't go back. Liam stares at Drake. INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE ROCK and TANK are playing LUIGI'S MANSION when SENESTRA appears behind them in a wave of hellfire. She looks like she's a little disheveled as she is sweating and strands of hair are hanging down in front of her face. ROCK D'ah, howzit hanging, Miss Malevolus? TANK You look awful! Poit! SENESTRA It's the heat in Hell, boys. I think it's getting to me. I had to come up here to get some fresh air. She walks over to a window and looks at the city of Las Vegas as the two red eyes glare downward. SENESTRA Look at that! The eyes of evil that look down upon us are actually the beady little bulbous eyes of a satanic hamster. How depressing. She looks at the others. SENESTRA They're laughing at me. They're ALL laughing at me. Especially HIM! Rock and Tank are clearly more than a little spooked at Senestra's sudden change in demeanor. ROCK D'ah... who? SENESTRA CAPEMAN, you buffoon! CAPEMAN! Rock and Tank grab each other in fright. SENESTRA Yes, Capeman... Capeman who has time and time again thwarted my plans of world domination! Capeman, who has beaten me SO MANY times that now I've been reduced to the fifth fiddle to an evil hamster. Well, we'll see about that! WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!!!! (to Rock and Tank) YOU! ROCK & TANK GAH! SENESTRA Prepare World Taking Over Project #4487! ROCK 4487? SENESTRA Yes, 4487. Operation BIG FRICKIN' ROBOT! Lighting crash. Music sting. INT. HELL In what looks like a giant garbage dump, Bippo walks along with a bit of a spring in his step as he whistles "If I Only Had a Brain" from THE WIZARD OF OZ. Clearly, he's looking for something. Finally after scanning the garbage dump visually, he sees something and smiles. With the same nonchalant and happy stride, he walks over to a sword sticking vertically out of the trash. Bippo reaches down and picks up a hand taking a watch off of it. He drops the hand and reaches down taking a wallet. After pocketing the money and tossing the wallet aside, Bippo grabs the sword and yanks it out of the pile. The tip of the sword is stained red with blood, but we recognize it as the same sword that Bippo stabbed Thad with. Bippo looks at his watch. BIPPO Three... Two... One... Thad shoots up from the garbage pile screaming. THAD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! BIPPO Calm down there, wolf-boy, you're still alive. THAD Ah? Thad looks down at the wound in his chest. It's already starting to heal up. THAD You... You stabbed me! BIPPO Well, yeah. THAD Bippo. BIPPO Uh-huh? THAD I'm going to KILL YOU! Thad leaps out of the garbage pile and goes for Bippo's throat. Bippo tries beating Thad on the head with a honker horn, but only succeeds in making the horn go off several times. Finally, Thad stops and stands up looking at the bloody hole in his shirt. THAD Hold up. You STABBED me with a silver sword. BIPPO I see the gears are starting to turn again. THAD You stabbed me with a SILVER sword and I'm not dead? BIPPO Doy! THAD How? Bippo produces an identical silver sword from his sleeve. BIPPO Because the one I ran you through with wasn't really silver. It was tin. The masters of all that is evil and they fell for the old gypsy switch. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. THAD You mean... you saved my life? B But, I thought you were working for... BIPPO I've been spying on big red and ugly for the past six months. I knew he was going to mount some kind of an attack and was trying to gather information so we'd be ready for him. I just wish I could have saved Liam. THAD Hey, there wasn't anything you could have done then. BIPPO But there is something we can do now. THAD Buh? BIPPO You ever hear of the Spear of Destiny? THAD Yeah, it's the spear rumored to have pierced the side of Jesus Christ during the crucifixion. It's said to give it's wielder the power to conquer any enemy, even if it's power is said to be limitless and corrupts whoever holds it. Bippo looks at Thad suspiciously. THAD It was on the History Channel while I was waiting for the story of the bikini to come on. BIPPO Right. Well, Satan told me that the spear of destiny is probably the only thing that can stop Fluffy and the Worldkiller and guess what? THAD What? BIPPO Guess. THAD No. BIPPO All right, you and I are going to get it. THAD What? Where? BIPPO Here. THAD In Hell? BIPPO Yes, in Hell! THAD What would the Spear of Destiny be doing in Hell? BIPPO The All Mighty stashed it down here after Hitler tried to get his grubby mitts on it. God's got a great sense of humor, boy-oh, and what better way of getting a laugh than putting a weapon of unlimited power right in the middle of the domain of evil where the devil can't touch it. THAD Why not? BIPPO It's got the blood of Christ on it. It's too pure for a being of pure evil to touch. THAD And it's dangerous for us to touch because it's power corrupts. Wonderful. BIPPO Be warned, though, Thaddy-poo. The spear lies in the deepest most dangerous and smelly pit of Hell. A place of unspeakable evil and never-ending musak. It's a place that no normal human being can withstand. THAD (smirks) Bippo, If there's anything you and I are, it's definitely not normal. They shake hands and make their way down a corridor. INT. HEAVEN Liam and Drake walk past several famous figures. ABRAHAM LINCOLN, MOTHER THERESA, MARTIN LUTHOR KING JR., JOHN F. KENNEDY, CHRIS FARLEY, GENE SISKEL, JOHN LENNON AND GEORGE HARRISON, and AMELIA EARHEART. LIAM Wow! I wish I'd brought my autograph book! Then again, I guess my autograph book got blown up too. Say, where are we going? DRAKE We're going to see the wisest humans who ever existed. Drake and Liam enter a new room. In it, we see several people dressed in white robes. CONFUSIOUS, ARISTOTLE, EINSTEIN, and... LIAM Mister Hilter? What the hell are you doing here? MISTER HILTER What do you mean, "what the hell am I doing here!?". This IS a gathering of the wisest people who ever existed! Allow me to introduce you to this others. This is Confusious. CONFUSIOUS Hello. MISTER HILTER This is Aristotle. ARISTOTLE How ya doin'? MISTER HILTER This is Albert Einstein. ALBERT EINSTEIN Sup? MISTER HILTER And this is Charles. Liam and the others look at someone standing off screen. There is the sound of a trombone being tooted like when an adult character talks on a Charlie Brown cartoon. LIAM Hey, I loved your comic! Trombone sounds. LIAM You're welcome! DRAKE Gentlemen, Liam would like to learn about the Worldkiller. ALBERT EINSTEIN Ach! Zee Worldkiller! CONFUSIOUS A being created before the formation of Hell itself! ARISTOTLE A force of un-creation without a soul! LIAM But why is my hamster saying he's the Worldkiller? MISTER HILTER He is, kid. The Worldkiller is a giant spaceborne organism, but it's without a mind. When Fluffy was destroyed the first time, his soul was supposed to have dissapaited into nothingness but it didn't... CONFUSIOUS It was snatched from the void by the Worldkiller. ALBERT EINSTEIN Yes, and made part of the Worldkiller itself. Fluffy is the driving entity behind the most destructive force ever created. LIAM All right, fair enough... my hamster is about to destroy the world. Is there any way I can stop it? The trombone sounds start. Everyone looks off screen. LIAM Really? More trombone sounds. LIAM And where would I find it? More trombone sounds. LIAM Why there? More trombone sounds. LIAM Can't reach it, huh? Oh, I guess that IS funny. More trombone sounds. LIAM Thanks Chuck. (to others) Welp, I'm off to Hell! I'll see you guys later. Liam starts to walk off. DRAKE And... just HOW are you going to get to Hell, hot shot? Liam stops. LIAM I never considered that. MISTER HILTER (sarcastic) NO! LIAM I guess I could go ask God, I mean... he does like me, right? DRAKE You think that God's going to send you back? Kid, that's a tall order. He's only done that once and THAT was for family! LIAM Well, what do you want me to do? Curl up and just accept the fact that I'm dead and being forced to exist in paradise forever. By the way, what's MY little corner of heaven look like? Everyone points. Liam looks. It's a beautiful waterfall in a rain forest, in the crystal clear pool, dozens of KARI WUHRER'S swim and play naked. They see Liam and beckon him to join them. LIAM I had to ask, didn't I? Well, let me know how the Worldkiller thing works out. Liam runs to the pool but stops and slaps his own hand. LIAM NO! Bad Liam! Must get mind off of tits and tat! Liam runs back to the others. LIAM I have to see God. EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS A BIG FRICKIN' ROBOT with the letters BFR stamped on it tears down the streets of Las Vegas. In it's control tower, SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS is laughing uncontrollably and is obviously quite off her rocker. INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE ROCK and TANK are watching the robot tear up the city. TANK D'ah, she's really lost it this time, hasn't she? ROCK Yeah. D'ah don't tink they're going to let her off with a slap on the wrist this time. TANK Let's get out of here. Narf. ROCK And do what? TANK I've always wanted to start a bar and grill in the Florida Keys where I can serve Shirley Temples and mesquite grilled marlin. ROCK Can I be the coat check girl? TANK D'ah, of course! Tross! Rock and Tank walk off and shut off the lights. EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS The Big Frickin' Robot is demolishing the city. High above, TEMPUS arrives carrying FANBOY. He's talking on a communicator. TEMPUS There it is, Chocolate Treat. Just like you said. CHOCOLATE TREAT (over comm) Where are the other superheroes at? TEMPUS They're stilling fighting in Kansas. I swear, we kill one of those little parademon bastards and twenty more show up! The only heros they could spare was Gary. FANBOY FANBOY! TEMPUS I mean, Fanboy. God, this is pathetic. (to Fanboy) Look at that! She's demolishing buildings, stepping on cars, endangering the population and it's my understanding that she's been doing stuff like this for years! FANBOY Yeah, so? TEMPUS So... WHY!? Why do you allow this psycho bovine to go nuts all over the place? FANBOY Because... (a beat) I guess you're right, it doesn't make a whole hell of a lot of sense. I mean, rightfully, she should be in jail or at least a posh institution. TEMPUS She deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass and, by God, I'm just the one to do it! Tempus grabs Fanboy and fly down in front of the BFR. SENESTRA (over loudspeaker) CAPEMAN! HOW DELICIOUS! TEMPUS What? FANBOY We're not Capeman. SENESTRA (over loudspeaker) SHUT UP CAPEMAN. FANBOY Yes ma'am. (to Tempus) What's her beef? TEMPUS It's the Worldkiller. Remember what Capeman said? It spreads madness like Oprah spreads butter! Senestra has obviously been in direct contact with it and she's gone absolutely mad! BLAM! The BFR hits them with a metal fist. They fly into a hotel wall and land in a bed. INT. THE HOTEL ROOM Tempus lies in one bed, Fanboy lies in the other. They are both staring straight up and obviously dazed. FANBOY Ouch. TEMPUS This is my chance, Gary... obviously I'm supposed to stop Senestra here and prevent her from using that Big Frickin' Robot. This is my chance to save the future! FANBOY You do that. I'll be right here. TEMPUS Thanks for sharing. I'll file that under "actions taken by pussy." Tempus jumps up and flies out the hole in the wall. EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS TEMPUS flies out in front of the BFR. TEMPUS SENESTRA! SENESTRA (over loudspeaker) YES, CAPEMAN? TEMPUS It's time to end your tyranny once and for all! I-- WHAM! The BFR swats Tempus like a fly. He falls to the ground. In the background, CHOCOLATE TREAT runs up to him. CHOCOLATE TREAT Tempus, Honey! Are you okay? TEMPUS Y-Yeah. Chocolate Treat, what are you doing here? CHOCOLATE TREAT I came when I heard that it was just you and Gary the Fairy. FANBOY (O.C.) That's FANBOY the Fairy! CHOCOLATE TREAT I couldn't let you do this alone. TEMPUS You shouldn't be here, baby! You might get hurt. CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh please, I'm not going to get hurt! I never do! WHAM! The giant foot of the BFD comes down and crushes Chocolate Treat. TEMPUS CHOCOLATE TREAT! NO!!!! Tempus zooms up into the air. TEMPUS S.U.I.T., let's blast this bitch to the stone age! S.U.I.T. Current power levels are exhausted. TEMPUS Oh, come on. If the power levels are exhausted, how am I able to fly? Tempus drops from the sky like a rock and lands in the BFR's hand. SENESTRA (over loudspeaker) Aw, did you fall Capeman? TEMPUS You... You killed Chocolate Treat, you bitch! SENESTRA (over loudspeaker) The street slut? Las Vegas is better off without her and... wait a minute... Senestra can be seen pressing her face against the glass in the control area. SENESTRA (over loudspeaker) You... YOU'RE NOT CAPEMAN!? TEMPUS I never said I was. I'm... I'm the Millennium Man. SENESTRA (over loudspeaker) I've never heard of you, Mister About-To-Be-Nothing-But-A-Chunky Bloody-Mess-In-Senestra-Malevolous' Big-Frickin'-Robot's-Metal-Hand. TEMPUS But that's not my last n-AGH! The BFR begins to crush Tempus in it's metal hand. Tempus struggles to get free, but it's a futile attempt. Just when it looks like Tempus is about to pop like a grape, there is an explosion on the BFR. INT. THE BIG FRICKIN' ROBOT Senestra frantically tries to work the controls. SENESTRA What the hell? WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING!? EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS The Robot lists to one side and topples as another explosion takes out one of it's legs. The Robot collapses into a pile of metal and rubble. FANBOY runs out from safety and looks. FANBOY Oh my GOD! (a beat) If they're all dead, I can take CREDIT for this! Tempus pulls himself out from under the rubble. He's a wreck, with lacerations all over his skin, but he's alive. FANBOY Rats... I mean, Thank GOODNESS you're alive! S.U.I.T. Tempus, you have two broken ribs please use caution when moving. TEMPUS I'm all right. (to Fanboy) Good job with the robot, Fanboy. FANBOY What do you me... I mean, of course I did a good job with the robot with the explosions and the what not. TEMPUS How did you do it? FANBOY I... uh... TEMPUS I guess it doesn't matter. I just wish that we could have saved Chocolate... FANBOY TREAT! TEMPUS Yeah, that one. FANBOY No, there she is! Sure enough, CHOCOLATE TREAT walks out of the smoke with Senestra Malevolous drooped over her shoulder. Tempus and Fanboy run up to her. TEMPUS How did you...!? CHOCOLATE TREAT When the robot stepped on me, I got caught between the treads of it's foot. I slipped in through the robot and blew it up from the inside. TEMPUS With WHAT!? Chocolate Treat holds something up. CHOCOLATE TREAT With this Mary Kaye blush. Kevin Riley sold it to me. It's actually plastic explosives! TEMPUS (glares at Fanboy) Is it? FANBOY (changes the subject) What happened to the rabid manatee? Chocolate Treat drops Senestra on the ground. CHOCOLATE TREAT You got me. I found her like this. Senestra is lying on the ground unmoving. She is staring right up into the sky. TEMPUS S.U.I.T., analysis. S.U.I.T. She's in a deep coma. It's as if her mind has shut down from prolonged exposure to the Worldkiller. TEMPUS Will she ever snap out of it? S.U.I.T. Unknown. Tempus, Chocolate Treat, and Fanboy look at each other. CHOCOLATE TREAT You should see if you can get her some help. TEMPUS And you get somewhere safe, baby, and don't scare me like that again. Tempus and Chocolate Treat kiss. Fanboy looks on with a disgusted look on his face. TEMPUS Come on, Fanboy. Where's the nearest psychiatric Institution? FANBOY That would be the Cray Zealand Institute. TEMPUS Then let's go. Tempus grabs Senestra in one hand and Fanboy in the other. They take to the skies. FANBOY Uh, Tempus? TEMPUS Yes Gary? FANBOY About Chocolate Treat, we're not sure if she's a guy or a... TEMPUS For your information, Gary... she's a woman. FANBOY Oh. TEMPUS She's... ALL woman. EXT. SPACE The Worldkiller is in full view as it floats above the tiny planet Earth. For the first time, we see that Worldkiller actually looks like a great big evil octopus with giant red eyes. INT. A CONTROL ROOM PARADEMONS work the controls on the bridge that looks a lot like the bridge from THE PHANTOM MENACE. SCRAPPY, SATAN, and FLUFFY THE HAMSTER. SATAN Well, well, well... I am impressed, Fluffy. This is very nice. (a beat) Well, gotta go! FLUFFY THE HAMSTER Wait a minute, Satan! I thought this would be where you would command the final assault on the Earth! SATAN Well, I would... but... uh... I'm going to be busy with another matter. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER Another MATTER!? This is what you've always wanted! To destroy humankind and you have ANOTHER matter!!?? SATAN Sucks, don't it? I thought you'd understand. Satan goes to pat Fluffy on the head, but his hand passes through him. SATAN Oh... I didn't think you'd be a projection up here. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER And I didn't think you'd be such a dong about this. SATAN Sorry. Scrappy? SCRAPPY Jah vol? SATAN You shall be in charge up here. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER Him? SCRAPPY Me? SATAN I knew you'd understand. I'll be in Hell if you need me. Satan exits. Fluffy and Scrappy glare at each other. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER Crap. SCRAPPY Cool! I'm in charge! (a long blank stare) So, what do we do? FLUFFY THE HAMSTER (sighs) We fire up the converter and begin devouring the souls of everyone on Earth so that we can use the spiritual energy to fuel the re creation. Got it? SCRAPPY (a beat) I have an idea! Let's do that! FLUFFY THE HAMSTER (rolls eyes) The converter will need fifteen minutes to warm up. SCRAPPY Excellent. Soon, the world will be ours! INT. HEAVEN Liam, Drake, and Mister Hilter step into a giant white room. Clouds dance around them and, in front of them, there is a brilliant white light that is, of course, GOD. GOD Liam Smith come forth. I have been expecting you. Liam swallows nervously and steps forward. GOD You wish to ask something? LIAM Yes, God... I... Uh... How's it hanging? Liam smacks himself on the forehead having said a completely dunderheaded thing to the All Mighty. God merely chuckles. GOD I am well, Liam. Now, don't be afraid my son. What is it you wish? LIAM Well, do you remember last time I was here? Well, of course you do... What a mean is, last time I was here, you said I had a destiny and I feel I haven't fulfilled it yet. GOD Do you? LIAM I mean, that is I... Oh, God. GOD Yes? LIAM What? GOD What? LIAM Yes? GOD What? LIAM No, I mean... Sorry. God chuckles. GOD Liam, you wish to be sent back to the Earth, yes? To stop the Worldkiller? LIAM Yes! GOD I will do as you ask. LIAM You will! DRAKE You will? GOD This is the moment you have been born for, Liam. THIS is your destiny. LIAM I won't let you down, God! GOD Liam... there is a price. LIAM Oh God. GOD What? LIAM What? GOD Yes? LIAM What? GOD Who? LIAM Who? GOD What? LIAM What? GOD Where? LIAM Where? GOD I'm a little teapot. LIAM Short and stout? MISTER HILTER I'm confused. GOD Liam, if I send you back you must carry an even greater burden. One that is incomprehensible to human thinking. LIAM What kind of burden. GOD You will have to jfdosa jfdjkayoa iua;dsn oidjoa39 aslajd ]ds']f dahijab aewiufonlaf dajhdahfa dasjfokadnhlad ahfokjda. LIAM What? GOD I SAID it was incomprehensible to human thinking. That is the price, my child. Do you accept? A pause. Liam looks back at Mister Hilter and Drake and then back at God. LIAM I will. GOD Then go, my child. Go and make me proud. Liam walks over to Mister Hilter and Drake. LIAM Wow, he's definitely not the stick in the mud that Capalert makes him out to be. MISTER HILTER Good luck, Liam. Hopefully, I won't see you again in a long, long time. DRAKE Yes, try not to blow up again. LIAM No promises. GOD Liam, are you ready? LIAM I am. When do I... FLASH! INT. HELL LIAM ...go? Liam looks around. He's in a corridor of hell. LIAM That was quick. THAD and BIPPO come around the corner. BIPPO (to Thad) ...and so, if you want to make sure that your pillow ruffles never flatten out, you just... Bippo and Thad sees Liam. THAD LIAM! BIPPO Oh my GOD! Liam went here!? The Baptists are right! We're ALL going to Hell! LIAM Guys, relax! I was killed, then I went to heaven, Charles Shultz told me about the Spear of Destiny, and God sent me here to get it! BIPPO You met the great one? Wow! What was he like and why didn't he ever let Charlie Brown kick the football!? THAD Forget that! What was Heaven like? LIAM Oh, it's very nice and smells wonderful! So, did you two get killed or what? BIPPO No, we're here for the Spear too. THAD Wait, why do you think WE'D end up in hell? LIAM Nevermind that. Let's just find the spear and get out of here. It's probably well-hidden and will take hours to find. I say we split up and search in a grid formation, that way we could... THAD Uh, Liam? Thad points to the door behind Liam. It says "SPEAR OF DESTINY - VISITING HOURS 9-5 M-F". LIAM Oh. INT. THE SPEAR OF DESTINY ROOM Liam, Bippo, and Thad enter. The Spear is floating in the middle of the room and is literally glowing with power. LIAM There it is! The Spear of Destiny! With it, we can destroy the Worldkiller. Quick, let's get it before it's too late! Bippo's cell phone rings. THAD How the HELL is that working down here? Bippo "shhhh"s him and picks up the phone. BIPPO Hello? (a beat) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. All right. Bye-bye now. Bippo hangs up. LIAM What was that all about? BIPPO You remember how you said we needed to get the spear before it was too late? LIAM Yeah, so? BIPPO Guess what? LIAM What? BIPPO Guess. LIAM No. What is it!? BIPPO It's... (ahem) too late. EXT. SPACE The Worldkiller is floating above the world. A BEAM OF LIGHT erupts from it and hits the surface creating a huge explosion. MUSIC STING FADE OUT: TO BE CONCLUDED!!! -------------------------------------------------------------- TERI GARR Wait! Don't go yet! Here are some scenes from the FINAL episode of THE LIAM SMITH SHOW! -------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. A CITY People are running in terror from the beam. The beam catches a few people turning them into black and white as it rips their souls from their bodies. The people with no souls just stand there in a stupor. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. HELL Bippo activates the timer producing a large red wormhole as dozens of DEMONS attack in the background. BIPPO Flight 123 for Las Vegas and freedom is now boarding at gate move-your-ass! Liam! GO! -------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. THE STORAGE SHED. LIAM You know, there's a pretty healthy chance that we're not going to come back. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. WORLDKILLER CONTROL ROOM SCRAPPY DOO (into microphone) ATTENTION! PREPARE TO FIRE ON LAS VEGAS! -------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. LAS VEGAS The light blasts the city. People run in terror. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. A SPACESHIP THAD, BIPPO, and LIAM are flying the ship through a large corridor. THAD You remember that opening we used to fly inside Worldkiller? LIAM Yeah, so? THAD It's been sealed up. Everyone's attention goes to the front where we see a dead end quickly approaching. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. HELL SATAN throws KARI WUHRER into a black river. LIAM KARI! Liam leaps in after her. -------------------------------------------------------------- SATAN AT LAST! LIAM SMITH'S SOUL IS MINE! MUSIC STING FADE OUT: ROLL CREDITS