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THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.40 - "Olé!"
SERIES FINALE
Written by Jason Gaston
THEME SONG (The theme to "Enterprise", "Faith of the Heart")
It's been a long time,
getting from here to yon.
It's been a long while,
Now our time is finally gone.
What have I done with my life?
What a weird three years it's been,
And now it's time to end this thing,
and start the whole thing over again!
'Cause I got way to much time.
I think I really need a hobby.
I got too much free time.
Perhaps I need therapy.
I am loosing my mind.
Maybe I should buy a puppy.
Here we go once again...
I've got too...
I've got... I've got... I've got...
I've got too...
Much free time!
OLÉ!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
and
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Also Starring
Neil Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"
Gary Dordan
as
"Tempus"
RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"
Betty White
as
"Doris Winchester"
David Peckinpah
as
"Satan"
Marina Sirtis
as
"Senestra Malevolous"
Scrappy Doo
Fameka Jansen
as
"Ultrawoman"
DJ Qualls
as
"Captain Spaz"
Tim Meadows
as
"Nightflyer"
Harvey Firestien
as
"Blue Fairy"
Jack Black
as
"Doctor Wham"
Jason Lee
as
"Cosmic Weasel"
and
Dangerous Escaped Mental Patient, Jason Gaston
as
"Donner"
Special Guest Stars
Joan Rivers
as
the voice of
"S.U.I.T."
Michael Dorn
as
the voice of
"Fluffy the Hamster"
and
Seth Green
as
"Quasar"
Show ending. Everything must go. No reasonable offers will be refused.
INT. THE SPEAR OF DESTINY ROOM - HELL KATHY HILTER is kicking some major ass. WEREWOLF THAD flies up against the wall and Bippo is dropped on the floor. Kathy Hilter picks up Liam and holds him up. KATHY HILTER A shame you're not that little dick head Donner. I'd really like to thank him properly for killing me! LIAM Ack! KATHY HILTER I've called an entire legion of demons to wipe you little underwear stains out. But while we're waiting, I'm going to take out years of pent up frustration on you! Kathy Hilter throws Liam on top of Thad and Bippo. Kathy's Claws jut out. KATHY HILTER Now, let's see how long you can stay conscious while I remove your organs one by one! VOICE BANZAI!!! KATHY HILTER Banzai? Who the hell says banzai nowadays? WHAM! DREW FANGTASTIC lands on Kathy's Head knocking her against the stone floor and knocking her out. Drew stands over them with a bemused look on his face. THAD What the...!? But I KILLED you! DREW Yeah, but where the heck else was I going to go, Detroit? LIAM Right... that's what I figured. DREW I must confess, wolf-breath. I was surprised that you caught on that I was possessed by a demon and that the only way to set me free was to kill me and send me back to hell. THAD (a beat) Y-Yeah, just as I planned. DREW Hurry up and get the spear. Liam, you're the only one that can touch it since you're this... child of destiny thing. Word on the grapevine is that Worldkiller's already started devouring souls. It's only a matter of time before it reaches critical mass and sparks the... Demonic shrieks echo down the hallway. LIAM Aw, piddle poo! Kathy called a legion of demons to come kill us! The demons come tearing around the corner. Drew leaps at them followed by Thad who transforms into WEREWOLF THAD. They begin fighting off the hundreds of demons that have been brought down on them. There is a beep from Bippo's pocket. Bippo reaches in and produces the HELL TIMER. BIPPO Time to go! Bippo activates the timer producing a large red wormhole. BIPPO Flight 123 for Las Vegas and freedom is now boarding at gate move-your-ass! Liam! GO! Liam jumps into the wormhole. BIPPO Come on, boys! The train's leaving the station! Werewolf Thad and Drew are still fighting the demons keeping them away from the wormhole. WEREWOLF THAD Come on, Drew! Time to go! DREW You go! WEREWOLF THAD Not without you! DREW Yes, without me! Who's going to keep these demons at bay until that bloody wormhole closes. Not Santa Claus, I'll tell you that much! Werewolf Thad affords a sideways glance at Drew. WEREWOLF THAD Drew, I can't... DREW Yes you bloody can! Now go, you miserable flea-bitten ass-smelling halfling git! GO! Werewolf Thad throws one last punch and then runs to the wormhole. Throwing Drew one last look as he continues to hold off the demons single-handedly, he leaps into the wormhole just a couple of seconds before it snaps shut. EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS Near the ruins of Upda Creek, Liam and Bippo are waiting outside the wormhole for Thad. Finally, WEREWOLF THAD appears and topples down on the ground. LIAM All right, he showed. Pay up. BIPPO F*ck! Bippo hands Liam a ten as Werewolf Thad changes back to Thad. BIPPO Where's Drew? THAD He stayed behind. Kept the demons out of the wormhole. He... He saved us all. LIAM So we're just going to leave him down there? THAD Trust me, Liam... He found a way out of there once and I'm pretty sure he can do it again. Liam looks at the spear in his hand. LIAM Let's go find the others. INT. WORLDKILLER CONTROL ROOM SCRAPPY DOO is jumping up and down in the captain's seat as FLUFFY THE HAMSTER looks at the readouts. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER All of Europe and Asia has been purged. We're moving on to Africa next. As soon as all six billion souls on the planet belong to us, the reactor will reach critical and the un-creation will commence! INT. THE STORAGE SHED STACY is hugging Liam furiously as ARTURO, CHOCOLATE TREAT, Bippo, Thad, DORIS, and TRIUMPH look on. STACY Oh my GOD! Oh my GOD! What HAPPENED TO YOU!? LIAM Long story, Stacy... I'll fill you in some time when you have time to tell me it's all bull. Where's everyone else? ARTURO Let's see... Tempus is busy trying to keep order with the rest of the world's superheroes, Gary is cavorting around in some tights trying to pass himself off as a superhero. LIAM Where's Donner? ARTURO (a beat) I haven't the foggiest. LIAM All right, here's the deal This spear here is the Spear of Destiny. Arturo goes to touch it. ARTURO Good heavens! Liam snatches it away. LIAM DON'T TOUCH IT! No one can touch this thing but me. It'll corrupt anyone else. Liam looks at the room. LIAM All right, it'll corrupt everyone more. DORIS What are you planning on doing with that? LIAM Somehow, I've got to get this up to Worldkiller and... uh... er... BIPPO Dance the polka? THAD Figure it out as we go? LIAM Yeah, that'll work. ARTURO I think you chaps are forgetting something. Liam checks his fly. ARTURO No, not that... But Thad, your barn door IS open. THAD (confused) I don't have a barn. ARTURO Exactly HOW are you guys going to get to the Worldkiller? It's parked in a high Earth orbit and, last I heard, spaceships aren't just dropped off at your front door. There is a knock at the door. Everyone turns and looks. ARTURO EVERY bloody time! EXT. THE STORAGE SHED Liam, Thad, Bippo, Stacy, Doris, Triumph, Arturo, and Chocolate Treat step outside. There is a delivery man standing there in front of a small spaceship. LIAM Who are you? DELIVERY MAN Dick B. Wilting: Fedious Ex Machina. Sign here. He holds out a pad and hands Liam a pen. DELIVERY MAN And here and here and here and here and here. Liam signs. DELIVERY MAN And here. Liam signs. There is a small pause. DELIVERY MAN And here and here and here and here and here and here and here. Liam signs. The delivery man throws him the key and starts to walk off. STACY Hey! Who sent you!? DELIVERY MAN There's a message on the driver's seat. Have a nice day and remember: when you need something and there's no logical reason you should get it, always trust Fedious Ex Machina! The delivery man walks out of sight. Liam walks over to the spaceship and takes a note out of the front seat. THAD Who's it from? LIAM I don't know. Let me open it. Liam opens the note and a HOLOGRAM of ELVIS appears. BIPPO WHOA! ELVIS Greetings my friends. I hope this recording finds you all well. Uranus has been rammed hard by a passing attack by the Worldkiller, while I am certain that we will rebuild, we have tracked it's course to Earth and have given to you, this gift of a Uranusian star cruiser. I wish we could give more, but our planet is in shambles. I wish you all well. The hologram vanishes. Liam turns to the professor with a smirk. LIAM You see, professor? Things find a way! ARTURO They always seem to, don't they? Suddenly, CAPEMAN, ULTRAWOMAN, CAPTAIN SPAZ, and NIGHTFLYER arrive. CAPEMAN Liam! LIAM Capeman! CAPEMAN I overheard you telling the others that you were going to attack the Worldkiller head on, yes? LIAM You overheard? CAPEMAN I have super-hearing. So sue me. It's an excellent idea, but we have to hurry. The Worldkiller just finished Australia and is about to start on North and South America! LIAM All right. CAPEMAN (to Ultrawoman) Ultra, I'm going to go with Liam. You and the other big guns provide cover fire. ULTRAWOMAN If we're not careful, we're going to forget just who runs this team. CAPEMAN The rest of you stay here. Thad, Bippo, and Stacy run up. STACY We're coming with you. THAD Yeah, sounds like you're going to need some muscle up there and all of the Justice Squad is busy with peacekeeping. May I remind you that I am a werewolf, you know! Capeman thinks about that. CAPEMAN Liam, it's your call. Liam looks at them. LIAM Well, it's a new spaceship and I wouldn't want him shedding on the seats. THAD As long as I can stick my head out of the window, we'll be fine. LIAM You know, there's a pretty healthy chance that we're not going to come back. BIPPO (rolls eyes) He said going into the cliched "we may not come back from this" speech. Jeez, I'm in all ready! THAD Liam, I'm not sure why... but I have the feeling that everything's been building up to us going up there and fighting the Worldkiller. Almost like it's a big finish to something that we all don't quite comprehend but will ultimately be disappointing when it's over with. They all look at the camera suspiciously and then walk to the spaceship. LIAM All right then. Capeman, you coming? There's room. CAPEMAN You driving? LIAM Yeah. CAPEMAN I'll fly, thanks. Liam, Stacy, Bippo, and Thad get in the craft. LIAM Hey, this is just like Microsoft flight simulator! This'll be easy! (to Stacy) Are you sure you want to come, Stacy? STACY I'm not going to let you go off and get killed! LIAM All right then. Liam, Bippo, Stacy, and Thad get in the craft and shut the door. ARTURO Good luck my friends. INT. THE SPACESHIP Liam eases the ship into the air. The Backstreet Boys start playing on the CD Player. THAD Good God! Turn that crap off! LIAM Stacy, hit the eject button before it's too late. STACY Too late? Liam thumbs to the backseat where Bippo is shaking violently and foaming at the mouth. STACY I see. Stacy reaches forward and hits the "eject" button. EXT. THE SKIES OVER LAS VEGAS. BLAM! An ejection seat blasts out of the ascending ship. A parachute opens and it starts slowly sinking to the ground. It floats by the camera and we see Stacy yelling and screaming obscenities. INT. THE SPACESHIP Liam, Thad, and Bippo are staring open-mouthed at the opening in the ceiling as it slowly closes, sealing the cabin. THAD HOLY SH*T! DID YOU SEE THAT!? Everyone's attention is captured by a small mechanical noise. They look down just in time to see a CD eject from the player. LIAM Well, it's just as well. I didn't want to see her get hurt. EXT. LAS VEGAS STACY'S EJECTION SEAT parachutes down from the sky. It floats through a backyard that says "BEWARE: VICIOUS DOGS". When it comes back up, Stacy is trying to kick several small biting dogs off of her. Finally, they all fall away just as Stacy drifts into a building that says "DANGER: HONEY FACTORY". She and her parachute emerges on the other side covered in honey and finally settles in a zoo cage with the words "DANGER: BEARS". STACY Aw, crap. Stacy runs for it as three dozen bears come after her. EXT. EARTH ORBIT The Spaceship and CAPEMAN leaves the Earth's atmosphere. INT. THE SPACESHIP Liam, Thad, and Bippo look out the window at the WORLDKILLER who is blasting away at South America. THAD God, it's huge! Where do we start? LIAM (looking at sensors) According to this, there's some kind of an entry point here. He points. LIAM It's like it's a living spaceship! BIPPO We're not going to fly up it's butt, are we? LIAM God, I hope not. It's a BIG opening! CAPEMAN (over com) We're in position. Are you boys ready? BIPPO Ready, willing, and... uh... ready! CAPEMAN (over com) All right then, let's just see how that big ugly octopus reacts to this! EXT. SPACE Capeman stops and flicks open his wrist communicator. CAPEMAN JUSTICE SQUAD ALPHA FORCE! ATTACK! At the speed of sound, thousands of costumed superheroes rush by. Among them, we see ULTRAWOMAN, BLUE FAIRY, QUASAR, BAHAMA MON, THE TEXAN, THE BIG APPLE, and thousands of others. They zoom towards WORLDKILLER. INT. THE SPACESHIP Bippo looks out the glass at Capeman. BIPPO Justice Squad Alpha Force? I like that name, Capeman. It says we're not afraid of being laughed at. CAPEMAN It was ether that or Justice Squad Extreme. THAD Extreme is good. LIAM If you're gay. EXT. THE WORLDKILLER As the machine blasts at the Earth's surface, the heroes begin blasting at it with heat vision, energy beams, weapons fire, magic beams... anything and everything they can. A few of them even touch down on it and start smashing away. WORLDKILLER retaliates by blasting several of them with beams, vaporizing them. The superheroes scatter and regroup, avoiding the beams and continuing to attack. INT. THE SPACESHIP As before. CAPEMAN We wanted a distraction, we got it! Hurry, I don't think they can keep up that attack much longer. BIPPO Peddle to the medal, Liam! LIAM Peddle to the metal! Liam steps on the gas and the ship lurches to full speed. EXT. SPACE With the skill of a geek who has spent way too much time on Microsoft Flight Simulator, Liam pilots the craft through the big outer space battle dodging energy beams and the fighting superheroes. Capeman is flying alongside. INT. THE SPACESHIP BIPPO Go MAVERICK! THAD I think I'm going to be sick! LIAM Flying through this mess is no different than level 45 of X-Wing Squadron. As long as nothing unexpected comes by, we should be... EXT. SPACE WHAM! The Spaceship is hit by another spaceship - A Naboo Starfighter with the words "THE WEASEL WAGON" crudely spray painted on the side and spelled wrong. INT. THE WEASEL WAGON Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham are flying it. A giant pair of fuzzy dice hang from the rear view mirror. COSMIC WEASEL HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, DILL-HOLE! DOCTOR WHAM Uh.. wasn't that Liam, Bippo, and Thad? COSMIC WEASEL Don't be an idiot! Where would they get a spaceship? EXT. SPACE The spaceship spirals out of control on a direct course for the WORLDKILLER! EXT. SPACE Capeman sees them going down and zooms off after them. EXT. THE WORLDKILLER The spaceship is only a few seconds from impact when Capeman swoops down and grabs the ship's nose. He pulls up as hard as he can and diverts the ship only a few feet from impact. However, the ship is going so fast, he can't stop it. They zoom across the surface of the Worldkiller and into an opening. INT. THE WORLDKILLER The ship flies dangerously fast into some sort of a hanger and continues down a hallway. INT. WORLDKILLER HALLWAY As the ship screams down the large hallway, Capeman forces his feet against the ground and his hands against the ship trying to slow it down creating a pile of shredded metal in front of them. Finally, just a few inches of being crushed against a wall, Capeman stops the craft. He runs over and opens the spaceship door. CAPEMAN Is everyone all right? LIAM I'm fine. Just tell me we didn't fly into this thing's butthole. THAD I smell bacon. CAPEMAN Can't you think of something other than food? LIAM No, he's right. I smell it too. Capeman looks down. Both his feet are smoking. CAPEMAN That's going to smart in the morning. LIAM Bippo, you all right? They look in the backseat. Bippo is crumpled against the side of the ship. BIPPO (high pitched voice) I'm fine. CAPEMAN No you're not. According to my x ray vision, you have a broken ankle. LIAM I TOLD you to buckle up! CAPEMAN I think there's a first aid kit in the trunk. Capeman walks over while Liam, Thad, and Bippo argue audibly about seatbelts. Capeman pops the trunk and CAPTAIN SPAZ bursts out gasping for air. CAPEMAN WHAT THE HELL!? CAPTAIN SPAZ Er... Hi. CAPEMAN Hello. CAPTAIN SPAZ How are things. CAPEMAN Fine. Now, WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING HERE!? CAPTAIN SPAZ I came to help! Liam and Thad run around the craft. THAD What's going on? We heard shouting! CAPEMAN This useless piece of crap stowed away! CAPTAIN SPAZ I want to help. LIAM Capeman, if he wants to help, let him help! I mean, we COULD use all the help we can get! THAD No matter how little. LIAM Or incompetent. LIAM Or annoying. CAPEMAN All right. They walk around to the front of the craft. Bippo is sitting in the drivers seat making engine noises. LIAM It looks like Bippo will be all right here by himself. THAD Yeah, and I gave him some string in case he gets tired of playing driver. CAPEMAN Nothing's coming according to my x ray vision. CAPTAIN SPAZ Remember me? Mister Useless? CAPEMAN Unfortunately. CAPTAIN SPAZ During our five thousand mile per hour vertical dive, I managed to take some readings with my watch. CAPEMAN Your watch? I thought it was a communicator. CAPTAIN SPAZ It's Japanese. They can do anything. Liam picks up the Spear of Destiny. LIAM Can it tell us how to use this thing to kill the Worldkiller? CAPTAIN SPAZ No, but there is a chamber a hundred miles north of us that looks like it's got some sort of synaptic activity in it. LIAM His brain? BIPPO BRAIN! BRAIN! WHAT IS BRAIN! Everyone looks at Bippo and then back at each other. CAPTAIN SPAZ That would seem to be the ideal place to do loads of damage. Capeman nods. CAPEMAN Then let's go. There's nothing here now, but that could change any minute. Capeman grabs everyone and leaps into the air. LIAM (being flown down the wall) BIPPO DON'T LEAVE THAT SEEEEEEAT! Liam, Thad, Captain Spaz, and Capeman disappear out of sight down the hall as Capeman picks up speed. BIPPO Have fun! I'll be busy! Bippo resumes making engine noises. BIPPO Oh, cool! String! Bippo picks up the string and starts playing with it. INT. WORLDKILLER CONTROL ROOM FLUFFY THE HAMSTER and SCRAPPY DOO are watching the superheroes battle outside the giant craft. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER Look at those costumed morons! That is SO pathetic! Only by sheer luck could anyone get past our defenses! SCRAPPY DOO Except for Liam Smith, but he's street pizza. Right? Right? We SPLATTED him! FLUFFY THE HAMSTER You... You IDIOT! A long uncomfortable pause. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER The past tense of 'splat' is 'splat!' There's no such WORD as 'splatted!' Hell, I'm bored. Let's suck the souls out of Liam's old stomping ground. SCRAPPY DOO RIGHT! (into microphone) ATTENTION! PREPARE TO FIRE ON LAS VEGAS! FLUFFY THE HAMSTER Why are you preparing? Just fire! SCRAPPY DOO RIGHT! (into microphone) JUST FIRE!!! EXT. SPACE A tremendous beam of light erupts from the Worldkiller and strikes the surface. EXT. LAS VEGAS The light blasts the city. People run in terror. EXT. LAS VEGAS People are caught in the beam and turned black and white. EXT. LAS VEGAS NIGHTFLYER and COLOSSAL CHUNK see the beam approach. NIGHTFLYER GASP AND EGAD, COLOSSAL CHUNK! COLOSSAL CHUNK (covers eyes) Bright light! Bright light! The beam hits them turning them black and white. NIGHTFLYER (monotone) Come, let us go collect and organize stamps. COLOSSAL CHUNK (monotone) Chunk want warm milk. EXT. THE STORAGE SHED ARTURO, STACY, TRIUMPH, CHOCOLATE TREAT, and DORIS are outside. TRIUMPH This is a great climactic battle, yes? FOR ME TO... The beam strikes them all turning them black and white. TRIUMPH (monotone) ...comment negatively on. ARTURO (monotone) You animal of lesser intelligence. CHOCOLATE TREAT (monotone) I think I'm wearing too much make up. EXT. LAS VEGAS DAVID DUCHOVNEY is walking along handing out pictures of himself. DAVID DUCHOVNEY Hi, I'm David Duchovney. The beam strikes him. DAVID DUCHOVNEY (same as before) Hi, I'm David Duchovney. INT. WORLDKILLER CONTROL ROOM Scrappy is watching the monitors. SCRAPPY DOO We're approaching CRITICAL MASS! FLUFFY THE HAMSTER Excellent, I... A beat. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER It CAN'T BE! SCRAPPY DOO No, really! We are! Look at this monitor! And this monitor! And this monitor! And this monitor! And this monitor! And this monitor! And this monitor! Fluffy vanishes as Scrappy continues to point out monitors. SCRAPPY DOO And this monitor! And... Oh, wait.. that's a light switch. INT. WORLDKILLER BRAIN A large cavernous room with large pulsating vessels lining the walls going up to an enormous BRAIN directly above them. In the middle of the room, there is a LARGE COLUMN (about the size of a redwood) of muscle fiber, nerves, and blood vessels going up to the base of the brain. CAPEMAN sets LIAM, THAD, and CAPTAIN SPAZ enter. Liam is carrying the spear. LIAM You see that up there, Thad? THAD Yeah? LIAM That's the brain. THAD Is THAT what one looks like? Liam nods and then looks at Thad, unsure of whether he was being sarcastic or not. Captain Spaz points. CAPTAIN SPAZ That column there is Worldkiller's antonomic nerve cluster. It controls everything. Heartbeat, blood pressure... everything! One well placed blow to that, and it'll be bye-bye Worldkiller. LIAM (holds spear) Then what are we waiting for? Let's do it! FLUFFY appears in front of them. They jump back. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER NOT SO FAST! EVERYONE GAH! CAPTAIN SPAZ HOLY SH*T! IT'S A TALKING HAMSTER! THAD Yeah, that's Fluffy. He's really the Worldkiller. CAPTAIN SPAZ You mean to tell me that this big bad guy we're fighting is actually a 5 ounce HAMSTER!? LIAM Well, yeah... but he's REALLY evil. Fluffy takes a step foreward. Everyone jumps back except for Capeman. CAPEMAN Don't even think about it, pipsqueak! Thad turns into WEREWOLF THAD. WEREWOLF THAD That's right, you sick son of a bitch! LIAM Fluffy, we can't let you devour every soul on Earth! FLUFFY THE HAMSTER It's already been done, you dolt! EVERY SOUL on the face of the Earth is now powering my engines of re creation! In just five minutes, I will activate them and the universe will be wiped out, leaving ME to reconstruct it in MY image! LIAM All the more reason to stop you. Liam walks past Fluffy and towards the nerve cluster. Fluffy disappears and then reappears in front of him. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER I wouldn't do that if I were you. LIAM Well, of course you wouldn't do this if you were me! You're an evil hamster who WANTS to destroy the world! I... FLUFFY THE HAMSTER What I mean is, you don't want to stab that thing into my nerve cluster, you If you do, all of the spiritual energy I've gathered will erupt and everything... you, I... everything will be vaporized! Do you understand? Signal yes by stabbing yourself in the head. WEREWOLF THAD (quickly) No Liam, Don't! It's a trick! LIAM I KNEW that! Liam clears his throat and lowers the spear. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER You stab that thing in my nerve cluster, and you'll be committing suicide and killing all your friends! Liam bends down and looks Fluffy in the eye. LIAM I'd rather die then let you do what you're trying to and I'm sure my friends would agree. Right guys? Liam turns around. Everyone's gone. LIAM Guys? Thad, Capeman, and Captain Spaz step out from behind some columns. WEREWOLF THAD Fooled you! LIAM Fluffy... You are the weakest link. Goodbye. Liam marches up to the nerve cluster and raises the spear, but he stops and his eyes go wide. LIAM Oh my God. He lowers the spear. Capeman, Captain Spaz, and Werewolf Thad look at each other and then run over to where Liam is. They see what he's looking at. WEREWOLF THAD What the hell? They look at Fluffy who is still standing on the floor. Slowly, he vanishes. They turn their attention back to the column. CAPEMAN This goes down in the mental file of "freakiest things I've ever seen," CAPTAIN SPAZ In triplicate! The camera pans over to reveal FLUFFY THE HAMSTER tangled up in a bundle of blood vessels and nerves. To be blunt, he looks terrible. His fur is matted and his skin hangs off his body like he hasn't eaten in years... he looks nothing like his hologram. INT. THE SPACESHIP Bippo is playing with the string. Finally, he throws it down. BIPPO This is BORING! I want to do something! A little DEVIL BIPPO appears on his shoulder. DEVIL BIPPO Hey, I've got an idea! Let's go blow something up! BIPPO Oh, I don't think so... Liam told me to stay in this seat. A BIGGER DEVIL BIPPO appears. BIGGER DEVIL BIPPO Aw, since when do you listen to that chowder-head? BIPPO Uh, where's the guy in the skirt with the ring hat and the little sissy stringy music thing? DEVIL BIPPO That little bitch? Aw, me and devil boy here dropped his ass. BIGGER DEVIL BIPPO One punch, dude! It was sweet! (a beat) Hey, who wants to play with Mister Chainsaw? BIPPO Mister Chainsaw DOES song fun right now. An ANGEL BIPPO appears. ANGEL BIPPO Oh NO you don't! DEVIL BIPPO'S Aw, hell... ANGEL BIPPO I'm take care of you sucker punching mother f*ckers later! Bippo, this is the biggest thing you've ever faced! You need to do what your friends say for once! BIPPO You think so, little man in a dress? ANGEL BIPPO We've been through this, it's a gown and this isn't a "little sissy music string thing", it's a harp! DEVIL BIPPO Man, why do you gots to ruin our fun. ANGEL BIPPO (rolls up sleeves) Bippo, for once just do the right thing. Now, if you'll excuse me... I've got some serious punishment to deal out to a couple of pansy women who like to hit people over the head with baseball bats when they ain't looking. Angle Bippo walks across Bippo's shoulders and starts to kick the crap out of the two devil Bippos. Bippo dances his fingers around the steering wheel as the devils and angel continue to fight. BIPPO Stay in the seat, Bippo... Don't move from the seat, Bippo! (mocking) Nyaa, nyaa, nyaa, nyaa, nyaaaa. INT. WORLDKILLER BRAIN Capeman, Captain Spaz, Thad, and Liam are looking down at Fluffy who is tangled up in the nerves and blood vessels of the Worldkiller. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER (weakly) Go ahead and stare. You're looking at the real me... Or rather what's left of me. Liam shakes his head in disbelief. LIAM I-I had no idea. (a beat) You're as much a victim of the Worldkiller as WE are. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER What? EVERYONE ELSE What? LIAM Fluffy, I'm... I'm sorry. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER What do you 'You're sorry!?' Take that spear and strike, you pussy! YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE! STRIKE! CAPTAIN SPAZ (checks watch) One minute. He's right, we don't have a choice. Do it. LIAM (a beat) All right. Liam raises the spear, gives one last look at Fluffy - who is perhaps the most pitiful creature imaginable at this point - and strikes. The spear hits the cluster and bounces right off with an electrical spark. Liam is thrown backwards. Capeman, Captain Spaz, and Werewolf Thad run to pick him up. CAPEMAN What happened? LIAM (coughs) I don't know, some kind of reflex in the muscles. WEREWOLF THAD If we can't get by it, we're toast! Let me try to tear into it! CAPEMAN Are you nuts? There's enough neural energy in that cluster to electrocute an elephant! There is shrieking from the doorway. Capeman darts over and looks. He slams the door and holds it shut. WEREWOLF THAD What is it? CAPEMAN You remember when I said SOMEONE would probably come and get us while we were here? WEREWOLF THAD Yeah, so? CAPEMAN It's here. BLAM! TWO GIANT CLAWED RED HANDS burst through the door and grab Capeman. Capeman is pulled through the shattered door and into the hallway by a GIANT PARADEMON at least fifteen feet tall and twenty times more powerful. CAPEMAN GERK! The pardemon begins beating Capeman over the head with his fists. WEREWOLF THAD and CAPTAIN SPAZ run over to help, but are swatted away. LIAM takes the spear and stabs the GIANT PARADEMON in the leg. The Giant Parademon looks down and then looks up. He drops Capeman and groans. WEREWOLF THAD Uh... is there something wrong with... BLAM! The giant parademon EXPLODES splattering parts all over the place. WEREWOLF THAD ...it? CAPEMAN Well, that was easy. There are more shrieks from the hallway. Capeman, Werewolf Thad, and Liam react and look at each other. CAPEMAN Uh... Thad, go check that out. WEREWOLF THAD I don't want to. EXT. THE HALL Capeman and Werewolf Thad poke their heads out and look. EXT. THE HALL - ANOTHER ANGLE HUNDREDS of the HUGE PARADEMONS are coming down the hall in a frenzy. INT. WORLDKILLER BRAIN Werewolf Thad and Capeman duck back in the room and try to shut the door. Not realizing that the door has already been shattered until they finally get it shut. WEREWOLF THAD Oh, SH*T! CAPEMAN We'd better figure out what to do soon or we're DEAD! Captain Spaz leaps over and grabs the nerve cluster with both hands. Electricity sparks around him as he is finally thrown backwards. Capeman rushes to catch him. LIAM SPAZ! BLAM! A wall EXPLODES and the SPACESHIP slides into the room. BIPPO is in the drivers seat. BIPPO HI GUYS! WEREWOLF THAD BIPPO! BIPPO Before you say ANYTHING! I didn't leave this seat! CAPEMAN LIAM! WE'VE GOT A WAY OUT AND SPAZ HAS GIVEN YOU A MEANS TO STRIKE! LIAM What? HOW!? CAPEMAN HE CAUSES MUSCLE CRAMPS, NUMBNUTS! HIT IT! Liam grabs the spear and JABS it into the nerve cluster. Sparks of electricity dance around him as he jumps back. INT. WORLDKILLER CONTROL ROOM SCRAPPY is sitting in the center seat. PARADEMON Sire, I'm reading a spike in the spiritual energy chamber! We're about to loose containment! SCRAPPY DOO WHAT? INT. WORLDKILLER BRAIN Capeman throws Spaz into the spaceship as Thad leaps in. CAPEMAN LIAM, COME ON! Liam picks himself up and starts to run for the ship, but turns and runs back to the cluster and faces FLUFFY. LIAM Come with us. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER What? LIAM I said come with us! You didn't deserve this, no one did! Come on! Fluffy glares at him and, wordlessly, sinks back onto the cluster out of his reach. LIAM FLUFFY, COME ON! Capeman rushes over and grabs Liam. CAPEMAN COME ON! TIME TO GO! Explosions begin to rock the brain room as Capeman takes to the air, dropping Liam into the spaceship. Bippo puts the craft into reverse and zooms back out of the hallway. INT. THE SPACESHIP We see the front windshield as Bippo takes off down the hall and runs down a couple dozen of the GIANT PARADEMONS, decapitating them. LIAM (to Bippo) You're enjoying this, aren't you? BIPPO You damn skippy I am! EXT. SPACE The heroes are pummeling the outside of the Worldkiller as an explosion rips through part of the ship. INT. THE WEASLE WAGON Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham watch the explosion. COSMIC WEASEL What the hell is...? DOCTOR WHAM But we didn't even score a single shot at it! COSMIC WEASEL Man, what a RIP-OFF!!! INT. WORLDKILLER HALLWAY The spaceship and Capeman zoom down the hall as explosions begin to ripple though the walls and large metal columns begin to fall. INT. WORLDKILLER BRAIN Fluffy reappears out of hiding from the cluster and watches a small monitor showing Liam, Thad, Bippo, Captain Spaz, and Capeman escape. INT. WORLDKILLER HALLWAY Parademons run away from explosions mirroring that scene in "The Phantom Menace" when droids were doing the same thing. INT. WORLDKILLER CONTROL ROOM Scrappy Doo is running around. SCRAPPY DOO Oh GOD! Oh GOD! Oh GOD! INT. WORLDKILLER HALLWAY The spaceship and Capeman scream down the hallway. INT. THE SPACESHIP BIPPO is at the controls. There is a beeping that captures Thad's attention. THAD Guys, I've got some good news and bad news. Which do you want first? LIAM The bad? THAD You remember that opening we used to fly inside Worldkiller? LIAM Yeah, so? THAD It's been sealed up. Everyone's attention goes to the front where we see a dead end quickly approaching. BIPPO Aw, CRAP! What's the GOOD news!? THAD Well, the good news is that the bad news is officially over. Thank you and good night! INT. WORLDKILLER HALLWAY Capeman flies ahead as a WALL OF FIRE AND EXPLOSIONS begins billowing from the hallway behind them (a lot like the Death Star Climax at the end of "Return of the Jedi"). Capeman gets to the sealed opening and begins blasting away with it with his heat vision. While he does begin to do some damage, it's painfully obvious that it's going to be insufficient to allow the spaceship to escape. The WALL of debris, fire, and explosions zooms down the hallway as the spaceship screams towards the wall going at a fantastic speed. INT. WORLDKILLER BRAIN Fluffy is watching the events unfold on his monitor as explosions sound off around him and the superstructure of the room begins to fall apart. LIAM (V.O.) (echoing) Come with us! You didn't deserve this, no one did! A tear runs down Fluffy's cheek. NARRATOR (V.O.) And what happened in the bowels of the Worldkiller they say? Well, it's said that Fluffy the Hamster's heart grew three sizes that day. Fluffy grabs his little chest. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER Ouch! Fluffy waves his hand in front. FLUFFY THE HAMSTER Aw, what the hell? Open. INT. WORLDKILLER HALLWAY Capeman is suddenly shocked when the wall he was working so hard to demolish suddenly opens. He turns and sees the spaceship bearing down on the small but growing opening and takes off out the opening for freedom. INT. THE SPACESHIP BIPPO THIS IS GOING TO BE TIGHT! EVERYONE SUCK IN! Liam and Thad scream in terror as the ship zeroes down towards the narrow opening. EXT. THE WORLDKILLER SPARKS ERUPT from each side of the ship as it scrapes the sides of the opening. The ship zooms free and we see that the paint on both sides of the craft have been SCRAPED OFF as the ship narrowly escapes getting caught in the TREMENDOUS EXPLOSION that also escapes from the opening. EXT. THE WORLDKILLER Ultrawoman is motioning to the other heroes. ULTRAWOMAN EVACUATE! EVACUATE! EXT. THE WORLDKILLER A wide shot. We see the entire monstrous structure of Worldkiller as the camera races away from it. We see dozens of superheroes as well as the Spaceship race toward the camera and away from the Worldkiller as a GIANT WHITE PLUME bleaches out the entire frame. INT. WORLDKILLER BRAIN Fluffy is engulfed in fire and explosions. INT. WORLDKILLER CONTROL ROOM Scrappy disappears in a waves of hellfire just as the control room is consumed by the massive explosion. EXT. WORLDKILLER The same wide shot as before. A TREMENDOUS EXPLOSION shatters half of the giant structure and a circular WHITE SHOCKWAVE rushes outwards. The large fractured chunk of the Worldkiller lists towards the sun as flames and fire continue to burn on it. EXT. THE STORAGE SHED A black and white ARTURO, DORIS, CHOCOLATE TREAT, STACY, and TRIUMPH are standing there listlessly as a brilliant white star appears in the sky. TRIUMPH (monotone) Goodness... what a bright light. The WHITE SHOCKWAVE overtakes them. They are in color again. TRIUMPH (normal) FOR ME TO POOP ON! ARTURO YOU BLISTERING IDI-- (a beat) What the hell happened to us? Stacy holds up a magazine. STACY I'm not sure, but for some reason, I bought a lifetime subscription to National Review! EXT. THE EARTH The WHITE SHOCKWAVE continues to race across the surface. EXT. PARIS, FRANCE The shockwave races over all the black and white people turning them back into color. EXT. ROME, ITALY The same scenario happens. People look around in confusion and then begin cheering. EXT. TOKYO, JAPAN People are cheering in the streets as the bright star continues to burn overhead. EXT. NEW YORK, USA More celebrating and dancing in the streets. EXT. BAGDAD, IRAQ There is even celebration here as people cheer and fire weapons in the air. Bird feathers fall slowly from the sky. FADE TO: EXT. THE VEGAS STRIP There is a massive celebration underway. Fireworks ignite in the sky as CAPEMAN, ULTRAWOMAN, BLUE FAIRY, BAHAMA MON, QUASAR, and DOCTOR WHAM and COSMIC WEASEL set down in the Weasel Wagon. The SPACESHIP also lands on the Las Vegas Strip. Ultrawoman stands by Capeman and soaks in the cheering crowd as the sun shines brightly overhead. ULTRAWOMAN We did it! CAPEMAN (smiles) Yes, we actually did! He looks at her. CAPEMAN And you were right about Captain Spaz. If hadn't been for him, we never would have... Thad runs up to them. THAD Hey, big guy! CAPEMAN Yes? THAD I think you'd better come with me. EXT. THE SPACESHIP CAPTAIN SPAZ is lying on the ground. His hands have been bandaged, but he's still hurt pretty badly. Liam is tending to him when Capeman and Ultrawoman run up followed by Nightflyer, Cosmic Weasel, Doctor Wham, and Blue Fairy. CAPEMAN How is he? Liam looks at Capeman and shakes his head. Capeman frowns and gets down on one knee. CAPEMAN Spaz? Spaz looks weakly at him. There is a long pause. CAPEMAN Great job. Spaz smiles then closes his eyes as he dies. There is a long silence as the wind whistles around the people who have gathered around him. Liam wipes a tear from his eye. SATAN (V.O.) Liam. Liam looks around. SATAN (V.O.) Don't bother trying to find me, Liam, no one can hear me but you. I wish to congratulate you on your victory over the Worldkiller personally. Before you decline, I might remind you that I am in possession of something very valuable to you. Liam's eyes goes wide. He turns to Capeman and is about to say something, when... SATAN (V.O.) If you're thinking of warning that costumed buffoon or anyone else, I'll kill her right here and right now. (a beat) Go into that alley behind you. Liam looks and sees the alley. He looks a back at the superheroes and his friends and then back at the alley. Finally, he sneaks off to the alley without anyone noticing. INT. THE ALLEY There is a swirling ring of hellfire. LIAM approaches it cautiously. SATAN (V.O.) Well, what are you waiting for? A healthy pat on the butt? Get in or she dies! Liam swallows. He steps inside the ring of fire which flares around him. When the fire subsides, Liam is gone. INT. HELL On an outcropping of rock above a black river, SATAN is holding KARI WUHRER by the arm when LIAM appears in a wave of Hellfire. SATAN It's about time. KARI WUHRER Liam! LIAM All right, I'm here! Just don't hurt her! SATAN At last, everything is coming to plan. LIAM What are you talking about? Worldkiller's gone! We won! SATAN Do you honestly think you have? You stupid little tit! This was never about World domination or devouring every soul on Earth or the Worldkiller! It was always about YOU! LIAM Me? I don't understand! SATAN Did you honestly think that I ever had the slightest hope of ever taking over the world? Not with... (point up, whispers) ...him... (normal) ...in charge, little boy. No, when "Worldkiler" first approached me, I knew almost right away he was Fluffy. Hell, I couldn't be in the same room with him because I thought I was going to start laughing out loud! LIAM So... why go along with him? SATAN I had Scrappy, Senestra, and Kathy do Fluffy's bidding while I... I have been working behind the scenes to catch my real quandry... that being you! LIAM Oh hell. You're still miffed because I got you kicked in the nuts THREE YEARS AGO!? SATAN You HUMILIATED me. That's something I do not take lightly! I would have destroyed you years ago, but you've got that damned luck always protecting you... I thought about just killing everyone you ever cared about starting with THIS little slut! (to Kari) By the way, I loved you in "Impossible Positions III". KARI WUHRER Uh... thanks? SATAN (to Liam) Then I got a better idea. How delicious would it be for you to do yourself in. Let's call it a contest of sorts. Satan motions to the river below them. SATAN That's the river Styx down there. It separates the domain of Hell from the normal world and has certain... let's just call them, unfortunate properties. Satan picks up Kari with one hand and holds her over the black water. SATAN You catch her and get to the other side, you can live. Now, FETCH, BOY! Satan drops Kari into the river. LIAM KARI! Liam dives in after her. Satan looks over the side as Liam disappears under the surface. SATAN Oh, I forgot to mention that the river drains lifeforce and will sweep your souls into the fires of hell for all eternity when this hourglass runs out. (yells) THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM, IS IT!? Satan turns the hourglass upside down and the sand begins to quickly run. INT. THE RIVER Kari Wuhrer sinks into the murky blackness as Liam swims after her. We can clearly see that each of them are beginning to age rapidly. Liam reaches for her. EXT. THE RIVER The hourglass is now over halfway empty. Satan begins to laugh. INT. THE RIVER Liam has aged to approximately 60 years old. He continues to reach for the unconscious and also aging Kari who remains just out of reach. EXT. THE RIVER The last few grains fall through the hourglass. INT. THE RIVER Liam's hand - now looking over 100 years old - is less than an inch from touching Kari's. EXT. THE RIVER The last grain of sand falls and hits the bottom with the sound of a thunderclap. Satan laughs. SATAN AT LAST! LIAM SMITH'S SOUL IS MINE! Satan continues to laugh when, unbeknownst to him, a light begins to appear behind him from the river. Satan continues to laugh as he turns around towards the direction of the light. Satan's face suddenly goes sour. SATAN What the...? ANOTHER ANGLE LIAM SMITH is standing on the bank of the river in front of Satan. He is holding Kari Wuhrer and both of them are back to normal. Liam's body, however, is radiating light and exploding with power. Satan's face droops as he looks at the sight in front of him. SATAN This... This is impossi-- Satan watches as Liam walks past him without saying a word. Satan runs and stands in front of Liam blocking his path. SATAN All right, kid. What gives? What's with the light show? How did you escape-- KER-POW! Liam socks Satan in the jaw. The Dark Prince goes down on his butt as Liam walks past him. Satan watches as there is a flash of white light and Liam and Kari disappear. Satan sits up nursing his aching jaw. SATAN But, I... I ju-- I don't... (shaking head, sadly) Some days you just can't win. EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP LIAM appears carrying KARI WUHRER in his arms. Everyone on the strip turns around and sees him. COSMIC WEASEL What the...? DOCTOR WHAM It's Liam and he's... glowing? COSMIC WEASEL My GOD! DOCTOR WHAM I know... that's the gayest thing I've ever seen! ARTURO, THAD, TRIUMPH, DORIS, STACY, CAPEMAN, ULTRAWOMAN, COLOSSAL CHUNK, NIGHTFLYER, and BLUE FAIRY. BIPPO hobbles over on a crutch. ARTURO Liam! What in the name of all that is holy is going on here!? Liam doesn't say a word. He puts Kari Wuhrer on the sidewalk and kisses her. She awakens and looks at him in wonder. KARI WUHRER Liam? Liam smiles. Kari Wuhrer smiles back. He looks at his friends. Stacy walks up to him. STACY Liam, what's going...? Liam kisses her on the forehead, takes two steps back, then looks to the sky. Liam smiles and, with a bright flash of light, disappears into the sky. Stacy touches her forehead as she stares ahead. DORIS Now where do you think HE'S going? STACY He's gone... BIPPO Gone where? STACY He's just gone. I can't explain it. It's as if he... tried to explain to me where he was going, but I... I couldn't... Stacy sits down on the curb with Kari Wuhrer. Both of them sigh in a mixture of sadness and wonderment. FADE TO: INT. A LARGE RECEPTION HALL Balloons and confetti are everywhere. A band plays an upbeat Jazz tune as all of the remaining cast members mill about. The camera finds TEMPUS and CHOCOLATE TREAT. TEMPUS ...and now all the markers are back in place and my 3033 exists again. (a beat) I've talked to my dad over the time channels and, of course, he thinks I'm making everything up. That's the bitch about time travel heroics... You can save the entire universe from temporal destruction, and when you get home no one remembers anything and no one remembers. Then, everyone gets sarcastic and they're all like, "Oh, you saved the universe and you're the only one who remembers? Right... Oh, Let's give you a medal!" (a beat) Oh well, it'll be good to be home. CHOCOLATE TREAT So you're going to be leaving soon, huh? TEMPUS After the party, but I thought I might take a little souvenir of the 21st Century with me. CHOCOLATE TREAT Anything in particular? TEMPUS Oh, a snow globe... a postcard... maybe you? Chocolate Treat looks at him. CHOCOLATE TREAT You... You want me to go with you? TEMPUS Why not? You're destined to be hit by a bus in a week anyway! CHOCOLATE TREAT Well, when you put it that way... The camera finds THAD and BIPPO. THAD Great job with the memorial service, Bippo. BIPPO (looks around) Well, with whatever happened to Liam... it just didn't seem right to do a traditional service. THAD No, I agree with you. This is more like a celebration, guy! BIPPO You still haven't told me where you're moving to. THAD I got a job with a... national conglomerate. I'm not sure where I'm going to end up yet. I'm hoping it's going to be some place sunny where the women are fine and the leash laws are non-existent. BIPPO Need a roommate? With Senestra in the pokey, I doubt my job at Circus, Circus is very secure. THAD For you, Bippo? Anything. BIPPO Aw, Thad. Bippo puts a hand on Thad's shoulder. Thad looks at it uncomfortably. THAD You do remember that we're not gay, right? BIPPO Uh... (after a long pause) Okay. The camera finds Stacy and Kari Wuhrer. STACY Could I have everyone's attention, please? Everyone looks at her. She raises a glass. STACY I'd like to propose a toast. To Liam Smith... We have no idea what you've become, but we will know that we'll miss you. KARI WUHRER To Liam. Thad raises a glass. THAD To Drew Fangtastic. Don't stay down too long, suck-head. Tempus raises a glass. TEMPUS To Jason Donner. We don't know where you are, but we hope you'll find your way home soon. Arturo looks at Capeman who looks a little amused. Capeman collects himself and raises his glass. CAPEMAN To Captain Spaz. A hero to the end even if we never did him the courtesy of recognizing it. We know it now, my friend. We know it now. Arturo raises his glass. ARTURO And finally, to the late great Upda Creek Apartments. Triumph, you filthy animal, you can't get them rebuilt fast enough in my opinion. TRIUMPH Just be glad I'm paid well at the Conan O'Brian Show, fatso. Everyone drinks and resumes their mingling. Arturo walks over to Capeman who is talking to Ultrawoman. ARTURO I was wondering if I could speak to you in private? CAPEMAN All right. Capeman and Arturo go to an isolated corner of the room. CAPEMAN Professor, I'd like to thank you for your advise and your keeping who I really am confidential. You... WILL keep is confidential, won't you? I mean, I told the Justice Squad and I thought they were going to stone me! ARTURO Oh, I won't be telling anyone, my boy, of that I can assure you. I just wanted to tell you something that's been gnawing on me for a while. (a beat) A while back, you were down on your luck. You were depressed and you told me that Capeman was the only thing that made you worthwhile. CAPEMAN I remember. ARTURO Well, you're wrong. CAPEMAN What? ARTURO It isn't Capeman that makes you worthwhile... it's the other way around. As someone who used to think you were nothing but a money grubbing whale turd, I'm proud to say that you've proven me wrong. Arturo and Capeman share a moment. ARTURO Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be going. CAPEMAN Right. Well, I'll see you around. ARTURO (small smile) Perhaps. Arturo walks to the exit. EXT. THE RECEPTION HALL - NIGHT Arturo walks out of the building. We can still hear the party from within. He produces a timer from his pocket and takes a last long look at his friends inside the hall and activates a wormhole off camera. He walks towards the light off screen and we hear him enter. The wormhole snaps shut leaving us in darkness. INT. THE RECEPTION HALL Stacy is walking along when GARY THE FANBOY falls into step with her. GARY Hi, Stacy! STACY Gary. GARY I wanted to say... That is, I... Well... STACY (irritated) Oh, what is it? GARY I just wanted to say that... I'm sorry about Liam. STACY Oh... (a beat) Don't be. I'm not. GARY You're not? STACY Liam's out there doing things and seeing wonders that I could never dream about in a million years. I'm a little envious if you want to know the truth. GARY Do you... want to do something later? Get your mind off of things? Maybe dinner? My treat? STACY (smiles sweetly) Oh, Gary... (a beat) Not in a million years. Stacy walks off. Gary stands there looking at her. INT. THE RECEPTION HALL Ultrawoman and Capeman are talking off by themselves. ULTRAWOMAN ...and he took off before we could so much as thank him. CAPEMAN Well, I'm sure that Quasar's got a home to go to also. Ultrawoman crosses her arms and looks at Capeman with a smile. CAPEMAN What? ULTRAWOMAN Jason Donner... I still can't believe it and you told ME months ago! CAPEMAN Believe it. ULTRAWOMAN You know, we had a pool going and Nightflyer thought you were Liam Smith. CAPEMAN I could see how someone would think that. ULTRAWOMAN Blue Fairy thought you were Gary the Fanboy. CAPEMAN Gary the F-- ULTRAWOMAN Don't worry about it, big guy. Now that your teammates in the Justice Squad and I know who you really are, all that silly speculation can end. The doors at the far side of the room fly open. VOICE YOU!!! Capeman and Ultrawoman look in the direction of the voice and then at each other and then back at the voice. Someone pushes through the crowd. He finally emerges to the point were he is visible and we see that it's... DONNER (points) CAPEMAN, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! CAPEMAN D-DONNER!? DONNER Yeah, Duh-Donner! If I had a hunk of Kryptionite, I'd SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS RIGHT NOW!!! Ultrawoman looks at Capeman, then at Donner, then back at Capeman. ULTRAWOMAN How the...!? DONNER I can't believe I bought all that crap about you being me and I'm supposed to go back five years and become you! CAPEMAN But-But-But... DONNER I've had ENOUGH of your BUTT! What, did you think me frying myself with that Gamma-Tron would be good for a laugh!? I only woke up a couple of hours ago and I've STILL got a splitting headache! HAVEN'T YOU TORTURED ME ENOUGH!? Capeman and Ultrawoman are speechless. DONNER (frowns) Well, don't apologize all at once. Thad, Tempus, Bippo, and Gary run over to Donner. THAD Hey, it's Donner and he's ALIVE! DONNER Hey, it's THAD and he's A DORK! Show me to the mini-bar, Satchel! Thad, Donner, Gary, Tempus, and Bippo walk off. Ultrawoman and Capeman are still in shock. INT. HEAVEN In the gigantic beautiful room, the bright heavenly light that is GOD shines radiantly. There is a flash of white light and suddenly, SATAN is standing there looking pretty surprised. He whirls around and faces GOD. SATAN What the...!? (sees GOD) Oh, it's you. What do you want? GOD's light radiates. SATAN To talk, huh? All right. It's been a couple of millennia, but fine. Let's talk. (a beat) You've got to admit, I ALMOST had you this time! The light pulsates. SATAN Of course you're not going to admit it. The light pulsates. SATAN You're kidding me. You let Fluffy the Hamster up here!? The light pulsates. SATAN Uh-huh... I see. One act of goodness during the last few seconds of his life and you forgave him of everything. Oh, that is so... so... (a beat) SO YOU! Where is the punishment? Where's the wrath? Where's the Soddom and Gammorah stuff? Where's the old school Old Testament smiting and... The light pulsates SATAN Oh, I see... that old bit about "There's always forgiveness?" The light pulsates. SATAN Even for me, you say? Satan scratches his chin. SATAN Well, I appreciate the thought, but come on... you need me to keep things interesting. Nah, I think I'll just keep doing what I'm doing for a while longer. The light pulsates. SATAN It was good talking to you too. Now, you mind? I'm getting things ready for Osama down there. Tah Tah, big guy. Satan vanishes in a bright flash. MISTER HILTER and DRAKE DANIELS walks out. DRAKE Wasn't that Satan? MISTER HILTER Yeah. What a prick. FADE TO: INT. THE RECEPTION HALL - HOURS LATER The room is now mostly empty. Bippo, Stacy, Gary, Triumph, Doris, and Thad are watching Donner and Capeman argue on the other side of the room. DONNER (hoarse) ...and how you can be so INCONSIDERATE to pull such a DANGEROUS practical joke on me, I... Capeman clamps his hand over Donner's face. Donner continues to bitch, but his words are muffled by Capeman's glove. CAPEMAN How would you like to be my agent again? Donner stops. Capeman lets go of his mouth. DONNER What did you say? CAPEMAN My agent? Actually, not just MY agent, but the entire Justice Squad. DONNER You want me to represent the Justice Squad? CAPEMAN Yeah... that'll rebuild that fortune in no time! DONNER Rebuild it and quadruple it! I can see it now! T-Shirts! Action Figures! Donner begins to drool. CAPEMAN Fast food tie-ins! A Saturday Morning cartoon show! Flammable sleep wear! Capeman starts to drool. DONNER & CAPEMAN WE'LL MAKE BILLIONS! DONNER I'll start the contracts first thing in the morning! CAPEMAN I'll go hit up Hasbro! I want my action figure to look like ME this time! Capeman shoots out the door. DONNER Ah, that's the greedy son of a bitch I know and love. Donner walks over to the others. DONNER Well, I'm rich again and I'm afraid I won't be living with you commoners anymore. DORIS Oh, be still my beating heart. STACY Well, where ever you end up... where ever any of us end up, let's always keep in touch, all right? Everyone nods. THAD Well, I guess that's it. Tempus and Chocolate Treat's gone to the future and our good-byes have been said. What's left? BIPPO Just one thing. Bippo stands on the table. BIPPO BRING IN THE DANCING GIRLS!!! Dozens of scantily clad dancing girls rush in and start dancing and writhing. Gary stands there in shock. GARY Where the HELL did all these dancing girls come from!? DONNER (dancing) Who CARES, dork boy! GO WITH IT! Gary shrugs and starts dancing with everyone as the camera slowly zooms out. FADE TO: EXT. THE NIGHT SKY A shooting star streaks across the sky as the camera pans down revealing Kari Wuhrer sitting under a tree looking into the night sky. She's leans against the tree with a sigh and smiles at the stars. The camera slowly zooms out on the scene. STACY (V.O.) As for what happened to Liam Smith, no one ever knew... I never saw him again in my lifetime. I have a feeling it's a story that we'll never know or never could know. The kind of story that finally gets written long after we're all dead and in the ground. Still, there are nights I know he's watching over us and performing some great purpose too immense for us to even begin to understand. Whatever his new destiny is, I feel proud to have known him. My brother... My friend... My hero, Liam Smith. Kari Wuhrer sighs. STACY (V.O.) As for Kari Wuhrer, she never did another soft core porno movie or even slept with another man for the rest of her life. Mournful piano music begins to play as the camera slowly zooms out. Suddenly, the tree falls over and, with a gigantic WHOMP, crushes and kills Kari Wuhrer. FADE OUT: THE END --------------------------------------------------------------SHOUT OUTS
It's been a wild and crazy three years, kids. One hundred episodes and here, at the close of the very last one, I'd like to recognize some folks and dedicate this episode to them.
To my AUNT LINDA who first got me interested in art as a wee lad and who I miss dearly and only love more every day.
To PATTY MILLER, the only teacher I ever had who wasn't evil and who first encouraged me to write a script ten years ago. Mrs. M, I haven't stopped yet... and I still have my first script and, despite the encouragement and sweet words you gave me about it... it sucks. But thanks for deluding me long enough.
To JESSE GLASPEY, the Robin to my Batman. The Eggs to my Bacon. The Bonnie to my Clyde. The Mini Me to my Doctor Evil. One seriously twisted individual who penned some of the most incomprehensible and funny scripts I've ever had the privilege of reading.
To DAVID HOPPER. Our friend across the pond who gave birth to a bastard son named Drew Fangtastic who was the epicenter of some of our most whacked out stories.
To PHIL MOYER and ART VANDALEY. The fathers of Doctors Pie and Daster, two characters I wanted to do so much with, but never had the opportunity to. I'm sure someone in Justice Squad will need medical attention sooner or later.
To DOUG BRUZZONE, the man who had the gaul to suggest that Gary the Fanboy and Kari Wuhrer get married. I still don't know what possessed me to go along with it, but I'm glad I did.
To RENE BELLE whose one script to this show was definitely not enough. Baby, we love you!
To JON STIPE, MISTER HAPPY, and DIANA FLYNN, who were never afraid to tell us whether our scripts were a treasure or stunk to high heaven. This show has benefitted greatly from your input even if all your negative critisisms of my scripts were so very wrong =P.
To the readers who made this page the most popular on . I hope you find JUSTICE SQUAD a worthy spin-off.
To the countless film companies and TV Studios who could have sued my ass off, but didn't.
And finally, to the real LIAM SMITH whose good nature and ability to take a joke, made writing this show a helluva fun experience.
See you in the fall.
