When I say her name

I spit it out

As though it leaves

A bad taste in my mouth

You think I don't know her

Not like you do at least

And it's true I don't know

Her touch or her face

Not her kiss or

The smell

Of her hair

And I certainly don't know

What she's calling love

And I admit I would never

Want to… But yet-

I know her voice and her smirk

The fantasies she whispered to you

The sweet and also the stabbing harsh words

The things she got you to do

The way she made you feel.

The way she made you lie.

The way she made you stop being real.

The way she made you cut.

All those tears you started to cry.

The way she had the power to hurt.

But also the power to heal.

Power.

To.

Heal.

A power you never gave me.

Through the anger

Through the pain

Through the hate

That I felt

I wanted to make her bleed

The need to

Break skin and kill

Hurt her

Like she hurt you.

Silent ultimatums

That I wanted to say

But never found the strength to

Her or me?

Me or her!

Pick, god damn it.

It's up to you.

But I never could make you choose

Because I know how'd you choose

And

In the pain, the love, the hurt, the rain

In the swirling blood from each and every cut

I couldn't bear to lose you.

I knew when she left-

She'd leave you broken.

And you'd have to

Cry on my shoulder.

But the silent ultimatum

The one never said

Proved to be wrong

When she passed you by

When I said I'd stand by you…

Well

You know I lied.

I was broken

Broken down walls

Broken down fortress

Like you…

After all

I said in my head

I'd leave if she stayed

But in truth

When she gone

I left anyway

Knowing deep down in

My very soul

That I was never enough

That I couldn't do enough

She hurt you and

I couldn't save you.

She hurt you.

I failed.

So you didn't care.

You didn't care because

In the end I fucked up.

Trapped in oblivion

Crying alone

I broke

And

I left

Left you all alone

She came back

With her power to heal

A power I know I

Will never wield

A power I would need

If you were to care…

If you.

Were to care.

I came back in shambles.

My world was a lie.

Simple no longer.

Though a simple lie.

I had spent so much time

Trying not to feel

And I realize now

The price

That I paid

For simple seconds

Minutes

Hours

Days

Weeks

Gone by

Where I was void

A beautiful void

Empty, yet broken

Hollow, somehow filled.

But I came back

I swallowed that pride.

Fought off that void.

And dispelled that lie.

Her and me again.

Both in your life.

And I know every night

You pick up that knife

And pray for the strength

Not to cut down

But you, like me

Are always weak

She makes you weak

I make you weak

We're all just weak

Deep in our souls.

She'll hurt you again

And then she'll be gone

The question is-

Will I too be gone?

You say I don't know her

And that's where you're wrong.
I know her completely

Better than you

I know how she looks, what she wears

The things she can do

I know her prances and poses

Her very soul and

Her dreams of dead roses

I know how she whispered

Sweet nothings into

Your waiting ear

Because I see her

Each time I look in a mirror

Because

When I look across this battlefield

From a war I think

I am fighting for you

When I look across

To the enemy

The enemy I see-

The enemy-

That enemy-

She-

She is me.