|Operation Cross Dress PLAN B
Author: Lainiee PM
STILL IN EXISTENCE FOR ARCHIVAL PURPOSES ONLY.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 15 - Words: 58,880 - Reviews: 172 - Favs: 28 - Updated: 09-10-04 - Published: 11-10-02 - Status: Complete - id: 1059903
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
And here we have it. The other half. The other shoe has dropped. In other news, it's 1 am. Therefore, R&R.
"Good LORD," I moaned, looking at bumper to bumper traffic surrounding us. We had just gotten on the highway too.
"You're telling me," muttered Linx, as he anxiously tapped his fingers on the steering wheel.
I snorted and leaned further down in my seat and crossed my arms. I fished a piece of string from my pocket and loosely tied my hair back. With a disgusted look, I had pulled out several clumps by accident, and opened the window to flick it out. I was staring out the window when Linx's constant impatient tapping and general moving about distracted me.
"Jeebus, will you stop that?" I asked, and amusingly watched him wiggle in his seat. Amazed, I asked, "You have to take a piss or something?"
He clenched the steering wheel in a death grip and gave me a look that would've killed little puppies. "Yes. I do. Now shut. Up." He hissed.
I choked back a laugh. I focused on looking at the frazzled soccer mom and her minivan full of kids pulled up next to us for a moment, and then glanced back at Linx. I choked on my laugh again. I leaned up on my elbow and tried to discreetly cover my mouth.
"Laugh, and die," warned Linx. He shifted in his seat again. That did it. At least I chose my own death this time. I guffawed and chortled until my stomach hurt.
Linx did nothing but give me a threatening look. "Keep laughing," he ominously said. He cracked his knuckles and then went back to tapping the wheel.
I kept to his advice and was still snickering when he was cursing me out.
"You little bitch, I TOLD you to be out there on time...." He was rocking back and forth in his seat now. If he didn't need his feet for the pedals, I'm sure he would've tried crossing his legs.
I decided to enlighten him on some medical discoveries I came across while perusing a health magazine one random day, "You know if you hold in your pee for too long, you-"
"Shut it. Just... Don't talk."
I grinned and continued laughing.
"That's right, just.. Keep laughing... Keep laughing why don't you..." Linx muttered darkly.
The brake lights on the car ahead of us turned off. Linx perked up and took off the parking brake and inched up to catch up. Bringing us.... one foot closer to our destination. The lane to the left of us began to pick up, along with the cars on my side, and we watched as the soccer mom in the minivan sped away. We turned to look straight forward, expecting for our lane to catch up. The right lane slowed down, and the left lane as well soon came to a complete stop. The brake lights in front of us turned off again, and inched forward, Linx and I following closely. The car in front of us stopped. This brings the total of... two feet closer to where we were to be.
"SHHIIIIIIIITTTT!!!" bellowed Linx.
About a half hour later...
"Fucking A!" roared Linx, He paused and glanced over at me. "You're awfully quiet," he observed. A smile flickered on his face. "What's wrong little boy?"
"Nothing," I snapped, a little too quickly.
"Uh oh," he sang, "What's wrong little boy?" he asked again.
I ignored him.
"Does little boy have to urinate?" he sang, wagging a finger at me. He started poking me.
"Yes!" I snapped and smacked his arm away, "Not as bad as YOU though."
"True," he shrugged, "But now you're in the same boat as ME." He grinned as if it was the worse thing in the world to be considered on the same level as him... which... is true.
"You know what," I said, pompously, "I think I'm just gonna open the door, and go right here."
"Oh, oh? Are you? Do it," he grinned, taunting me.
"C'mon, do it. Go for it. We're all watching."
"I am. Watch me."
With this, I observed the cars around us. Old lady in a nice four door sedan on our right... A pissed college age girl in a POS behind her... a greasy, sleazy organized gang man in his SUV behind us...
I turn back around, "Nah, I'm cool. Why don't you do it?"
"Fine then, I'll do it," snorted Linx, and he turned to survey the scene.
"Do it then," I shot back.
"I will," he said, just as obnoxiously.
I waited, and began to goad him. "Do it, c'mon. We're not moving, just do it."
He turned back around. "If this was a four door car, I'd be out there so fast..."
"What, not doing it?" I said, nastily.
"You do it."
"But you said you were gonna do it."
"Well I changed my mind, prick."
"Whatever. It's not worth arguing with you."
I gloated and smirked, knowing I won the verbal battle.
We settled back into our seats. "And look, there's a cop anyway," Linx added.
I looked over to where a cop car was over on the shoulder. "So?"
"When I was your age, I almost got arrested for public urination."
"Are you serious?!"
"Yeah, stupid cops..." he muttered other things under his breath.
I started to laugh again.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Linx taunted me in that sing song voice.
He had a point there.
Approximately twenty three minutes, forty six seconds and fourteen milliseconds later...
"EXIT, EXIT, EXIT, EXIT, EXIT!!" I chanted, scanning the road stretched in front of us furiously for any upcoming signs.
"GOOOOO!!!" bellowed Linx, as he put his driving skills into good use, expertly switching gears as we wove in out of the cars.
"THERE!!!" I pointed and yelled. The minute we got out of the traffic jam (which, by the way, we still don't know what caused it, being that there was no accident- yeah, you can imagine how pissed we were) everything we said had been truncated to one or two syllable words and yelled at the top of our lungs.
Linx skillfully cut all the way into the farthest right lane, and the exit sign loomed over head. '1/4 miles' left until the unfreeing of the bladder when-
Linx glanced up in his review mirror and, "FUCK!!" he screamed.
"What?! What?!" I twisted around, my seat belt choking me in the process.
He pulled over and rolled down the window.
Practically twitching, his fingers still tapping on the wheel, he rocked back and forth while grinding his teeth. If I wasn't almost at that point myself, I would've found this so hilarious, but laughing right at this moment was out of the question. It would only induce bodily harm.
The flashing lights reflected off the mirrors, and sent the lights bouncing around the interior of the car.
A rather chunky middle-aged man took his time to stroll up to Linx's window. I leaned forward and saw the speck of my reflection in his large, gold rimmed sunglasses. "Well well," he said, in a surprisingly deep voice, "Nice little speedster you got here," he said, and patted the roof of the car. He adjusted his sunglasses. "Where's the fire, boys?"
"Hello officer," hissed Linx. He shifted around again. I turned away so I could try hiding my guffaws behind my hand. Linx was gonna get his ass nailed...
"Can I see your license and registration please?"
Linx made a noise, a cross between a choke and... I don't know what else, but still sporadically tapping he pulled out his license, while I dug through the glove compartment for the registration. I handed it over to Linx, who in turn nearly threw everything into the Officer's face. The officer, somewhat surprised, glanced at the license and the registration, and peered once again at Linx.
"Do you realize how fast you were going, sir?"
"Yes!" Linx gasped, just barely stopping himself from yelling
"So you know you were going thirty over the speed limit- what's with the rush?" The cop, now inspecting the registration, looked back at Linx, but this time did a double take.
From where I was sitting, I couldn't see how Linx looked at the officer exactly, but it must've been something scary or something, because he then throatily said in a near whisper, "I. Really. Really. REALLY. Have. To. Pee."
And the cop... unbelievable.. But the cop, after staring at Linx for a full two seconds, simply handed the license and registration back to Linx and said to us, "Just.. Try to take it easy next time boys. Have a nice day."
"You. Too." Linx spat through clenched teeth. He didn't even wait for the cop to get back in his car, when, tires squealing, we sped back onto the road for an 1/8 of a mile and then out onto the exit to the closest place with a guaranteed bathroom. I didn't even have a chance to utter a word of amazement, when we were already in park, and I was chasing Linx across the parking lot into a fast food restaurant.
Unfortunately for me (or fortunately, it depends on the situation...), the kind of bathrooms in this certain fast food chain was one of those where there was one toilet and one sink in a small room for each sex, and Linx had reached the men's one before I had. I glanced around the near empty dining area and quickly ducked into the woman's. I was like, whatever, screw it, I'm pretending to be a girl five outa seven days, WHATEVER.
If heaven was this feeling you get after taking a nice long piss after holding it in for an unnaturally long period of time, then I was there. I was SO there. After like, ten minutes (I'm not even kidding) I crept out of the women's bathroom to come face to face with a pissed looking middle age woman. She gave me this look of revulsion as she walked around me to enter the bathroom. I waited for the door to click shut before I turned around and yelled "I'M A TRANSVESTITE!"
Then I hurried to the counter and ordered myself a burger and a milkshake, and then back out to Linx's car in order to avoid a potential confrontation with the scary looking middle aged woman. I noticed that this fast food chain looked exactly like the one which Tomo got stuck in the play place... Stress on the word 'chain;' all these places look alike. As I stuffed my face while waiting for Linx, I felt... Free. Free as a bird.. I feel like.. running naked... No, maybe not. This freedom... where did it come from? Was it the empty bladder or the fact it was now the weekend and I no longer had to lie about my sex? ... No, it's the empty bladder.
I had finished the burger and had a severe brain freeze from the milkshake when Linx finally strolled out, looking extremely satisfied.
"Man!" he exclaimed, "That was INTENSE."
I laughed. "Crazy..."
"What the hell did I eat?!" Linx said in amazement, shaking his head. "MAN."
I laughed harder.
Linx stared up in the sky, to ponder what he had consumed today.
"I thought you just had to pee," I said, still cracking up.
"You stupid man? If it was just that, I woulda pulled over the side of the road so fast... Shit."One thing girls definitely miss out on, is talking about bowel movements and bodily functions. I don't see why it's so taboo, I mean, jeebus, everyone does it. Girls are just pussies when it comes to what nature intends us to do. Psh. I've gotten smacked by Tiff and Tomo alike for discussing my daily business, and it's like smacking someone for sneezing. Women....
We got in the car, still laughing and drove off, discussing how from now on, we're going to pretend we have to really pee if we ever get pulled over for speeding again.
"So the car..." I begin to say, after getting punched from fiddling with the radio.
"The one we're picking up..."
"We're," and this was where I made the quote marks using my fingers in order to stress the word, "'picking' it up..."
Linx gave me this weird look, and took his hands off the wheel for a second, poking fun at me for emulated my finger quote thing, "Yes, we're 'picking' it up."
We paused, and for a second it reminded me of mine and Cricket's wonderful mis-conversations.
I cut to the chase, and blurted out, rather excitedly, "Are we stealing it?"
Linx gave me another weird look, and goes, "No way, man. We do only legit things now..."
"Oh," I resigned. I wanted something more exciting than 'We got pulled over by the cops but got away because Linx had to shit,' to tell my kids years from now.
A while later, we were parked in front of a rather well to do suburban home and I found myself crawling out of the car to switch seats. As I adjusted the mirrors and the seat setting, I watched Linx walk briskly to the front door. He had told me to wait, in case nobody was home and I idly surveyed the scene, the car door still open, one leg hanging out. The houses were large, and closely packed. Each house looked somewhat alike, with slight differences that one can use to tell one house apart from the neighboring one. Like, the different numbers on the similar mailboxes. It was kind of freaky. I looked up and down the street; the houses and small yards appearing to stretch towards infinity. Oh crappers. I was in the Twilight Zone.
A movement out of the corner of my eye brought my attention back to the house I was parked in front of. Linx was walking back around, while a guy a bit older than him was leading him towards the garage. They opened up the garage and Linx turned and beckoned for me to come over. I hopped out of the car and skipped over.
"Nice," I said, nodding approvingly. I couldn't think of anything else to say, it was THAT hot of a car. I was almost afraid to touch it, for fear that I could ruin the bright yellow paint of the exterior.
"Yeah..." Linx was almost hopping from excitement, "Me and Jin test drove it already..."
I tore my eyes away from the vehicle, "Linx, where did you get-"
He snorted. "It's not gonna be my car alone, the garage is paying for it."
"Ah..." More so the better. Note to self: stop by the garage more often.
The owner popped the hood and him and Linx leaned over, discussing stuff that's not important enough for me to repeat. Well being that this wasn't going to be MY nice car, I find no need to go on and on about it. Now, I know pitifully little about cars, in comparison to Linx, but I do know that this certain car that I found myself staring at was not only extremely fast, but also extremely rare. I wiped the drool off my face and walked back around to where Linx was currently negotiating with the current owner.
Noticing I was done gaping, he dismissed me, as that he was in no way leaving the god-like car behind.
I had almost gotten lost out here, and managed to scare the crap out of one old lady walking her dog when I had pulled up to a four way stop that looked exactly the same as the previous one and screamed (totally forgetting my window was open), "OH GOD, I'M LOST IN SUBURBIA!!"
I personally think it's healthier to let things out, rather than hold things in. Like urine. Hence the outburst. Sometimes when taking Linx's car for a spin, I find myself screaming obscenities to cars that cut me off, and whatnot, despite the fact that my windows would be closed, their windows would be closed... When I'm on my Wifey II (my street bike) though, I more or less shake an angry fist at them, or just flip them the bird. It's healthy, trust me.
Either that, or I'm starting to develop a really awesome case of Tourette's syndrome.
It was dark when I pulled into the little parking lot behind our building, and I found Tiff eating in front of the TV by the time I dragged my ass up to the apartment.
"Hey Lucky," she glanced up, and seemed disappointed to find me skirt-less.
"Hi," I threw my crap into my room and dropped into the couch next to her. "You look like shit," I said, after watching her for a moment. She looked tired, and as if she were plagued with insomnia for a while or just overly stressed. Or both.
"Thanks," she said dryly.
"You ok?" I asked as I not-so-sneakily took the bowl of cereal from her lap and continued where she left off.
"Yeah, ok enough. You doing anything tonight?"
I shrugged, "Probably not." Milk dribbled down my chin. I wiped it away with my sleeve. "I'm supposed to be in the hicks-ville, remember? And what about you, no 'shenanigans' with your posse?"
She snorted and took the bowl of remaining cereal out of my hands, "Nope. Broke, tired and burnt out."
Oop, there goes that guilt again. I swear it's gonna kill me one day. Here I am, complaining my life's worth about prancing around like a girl, and Tiff is actually out there hauling her ass to cover the rent until I strike it rich. Well, it ALMOST makes me guilty. But not really, when I think about it. It's normal for her to wear a skirt.
"Overtime? No paycheck till Sunday?" I ask.
We sat in silence as I watched Tiff swirl the milk around with the little cereal that was left until it changed color.
"We're so cool," I finally said, blabbering on just for the sake of it, "It's a Friday night, and we're both sitting at home."
"Nothing wrong with that," smiled Tiff. She handed the bowl over to me, so I could drink the rest of the milk. Tiff didn't like to drink milk straight. For that reason, I've always affiliated girls with not drinking milk.
"Know what would make us even more cool?" She asked with a smile.
I raised an eyebrow as I tipped my head back to chug the milk. "What?" I finally say, wiping my upper lip with my sleeve.
"If we go to the library."
dun dun DUN. Anyway. You may wonder why I am updating on a 1 am on a Friday night, when all other college kids are making the rounds and getting nicely intoxicated. Well, to put you guys in the know.. The cooler party night is Thursday. And besides that... it's so much cooler to be updating stories anyway... and class doesn't start till Wednesday ne way...
Tornado-kun: haha that sentence wasn't even meant to be funny... And yes.. Being vague is awesome isn't it... it lets you use your imagination! Haha. Actually, I haven't really decided. Prolly padding.. Not a water filled one... so many bad things could happen.. Hehehe.. And yes... excellent... you've found the hidden cliffhanger.. You're learning well grasshopper.. Haha actually, that as a cliffhanger = so not intentional.
Kaika N: Yes! Linx is like... not even based on anyone I know, but if such a person did exist, I think I would rape him. I mean... rape him... I mean... crap. Haha and yes! Fruits baskets was so cute! I love Kyo... and he's a cat.. Makes me happy. It's a weird thing, w/ me and stories... I like it when things take a surprising turn, but it has to be something that I wanted to happen... if you know what I mean. I'm sappy that way.
Well, I'm sorry to say that things have gotten busy, (taking japanese classes.. Hard but.. Woohoo!) and my real classes didn't even start yet, and the next 2 weekends I got important stuff... so... this may be it for a while.. So leave you're email address and tell me to send you a line the next time I update, because seriously, I may die for about 8 months or so. Or not.. We'll see. Sorry!! Until next time!