POTUS – XIII

COS:               “Sir, are you ready to practice your speech?”

POTUS:            “Speech?”

COS:               “Yes, sir. You are delivering a speech today attacking your opponent.”

POTUS:            “Opponent?”

COS:               “Yes, sir. You’re running in an election to win a second-term as President of the United States of America.”

POTUS:           “The United States of America?”

COS:               “Yes, sir. It’s a world superpower with thermo-nuclear strike capabilities.”

POTUS:           “Oh, kind of like Disneyland.”

COS:               “…Not quite, sir.”

POTUS:           “Wait a minute, I have to run for a second-term?”

COS:               “Yes, sir.”

POTUS:           “But I only just won an election.”

COS:               “Err…sure you did, sir.”

POTUS:           “Well, why do I have to run again?”

COS:               “Because we live in a democracy.”

POTUS:           “That sucks.”

COS:               “Don’t worry, sir. We’ve got hundreds of millions of dollars in our electoral war chest. We’ll win easy.”

POTUS:           “Really? In an actual chest? Like a pirate?”

COS:               “Um…no, not an actual chest, more of a metaphorical one.”

POTUS:           “Oh. Right.”

COS:               “You know what that means?”

POTUS:           “Of course. It means a chest made of copper.”

COS:               “…Anyway, about this speech, the writers have made a few changes.”

POTUS:           “They haven’t cut my hippo story, have they?”

COS:               “Sir, we discussed this already.”

POTUS:           “But it’s about a hippo. A hippo!”

COS:               “Yes, sir. I understand, but you’re talking about jobs.”

POTUS:           “But I’ve got one.”

COS:               “I wouldn’t be too sure about that.”

POTUS:           “Plus I’m rich. Have I shown you the money vault?”

COS:               “Yes, sir. Several times. Several hundred times.”

POTUS:           “Ahh…the money vault…happy days…That was a sitcom set in the 1950s.”

COS:               “Yes, sir. I know. You’ve told me. Several times. Several hundred times. Now, back to the speech…”

POTUS:           “Do you thin the Fonz was gay?”

COS:               “What?”

POTUS:           “Do you think he was gay? Not that there is anything wrong with that.”

COS:               “Well, actually sir, that was one of the things I wanted to talk to you about and where did you get that leather jacket?”

POTUS:           “Aayyy….”

COS:               “Sir! The speech…”

POTUS:           “Oh, right. What have I got to say?”

COS:               “Well, you start off by saying everything is great then you accuse your opponent of monkey-loving, and then you…”

POTUS:           “Monkey-loving?”

COS:               “Yes, sir.”

POTUS:           “Is that the same as making love to a monkey?”

COS:               “Pretty much, except with less hats.”

POTUS:           “My opponent makes love to monkeys?”

COS:               “No.”

POTUS:           “But I’m going to accuse him of doing that.”

COS:               “Yes, sir.”

POTUS:           “I don’t understand.”

COS:               “It’s fairly simple. We want to win the election so we live about your opponent in order to get people to vote for us instead of him.”

POTUS:           “Isn’t that unfair?”

COS:               “No. He lies about you as well.”

POTUS:           “Then what’s the point?”

COS:               “The public expects it.”

POTUS:           “Really?”

COS:               “Yes. Politics is extremely boring.”

POTUS:           “Tell me about it.”

COS:               “You’ve got to have the occasional monkey love scandal to get people interested. I mean just last week your opponent accused you of abusing a priest. That was a lie.”

POTUS:           “Err…yeah…a lie.”

COS:               “So, about the speech…”

POTUS:           “That reminds me. I haven’t been to mass lately.”

COS:               “You’re not catholic.”

POTUS:           “That would explain it. I wonder what it is like to be catholic.”

COS:               “It’s like being Jewish, just with less hair and more guilt.”

POTUS:           “I’m not Jewish.”

COS:               “You’re not?”

POTUS:           “No.”

COS:               “What about…?”

POTUS:           “Childhood accident.”

COS:               “Oh.”

POTUS:           “Yeah.”

COS:               “This changes everything. We’re going to have to rewrite the whole speech.”

POTUS:           “Why?”

COS:               “Well, was your father killed by a monkey-loving Nazi?”

POTUS:           “No. He was killed in a freak clowning incident.”

[PHONE RINGS]

[COS PICKS UP THE PHONE]

COS:               “Hello?” (TO POTUS) “It’s your father.”

POTUS:           “Spooky.”