Hello my fellow Irish and non-Irish subjects. I know I have not written since my pilot story, the "cheese-wiz man" and I apologize for it. Many of my fellow leprechauns have asked me, "Hey Ryan, When are you going to put up a new story?" and then eventually kick me in the balls when they use their new super-sizing abilities and steel-toe boots and...uh oh...any-way, here is a story about my weirdest day ever. The story should have one of two (or maybe both) effects on you: 1) laugh so hard you'll want to chug down a gallon of beer; 2) leave reading this saying "what the fuck?" and chugging down a gallon of beer. Anyway, without further adieu, here is my story of being...

Out Again

By: The Irish Guy

      "So...tired.” said the young protégé of the Irish man known as Ryan. It was his first period history class and he was still suffering a major hangover from his drinking games from the night before. "Alright class," said Mr. Shaw, "with that last note you're all excused. If you don't know tonight's homework then tough luck, find out from someone else cause you ain't gettin' it outta me."

      "Man," says Ryan, "I wish this guy didn't take his army training so seriously. It becomes a problem when we can't get our work."

      "Well, we could always beat it outta him," said the leprechaun at my side. (Did I forget to mention that weed is bad?)

      Our beloved Irish guy now sets out for P.E., or as he calls it, ‘Gym.’ Anyway, at his ‘gym’ class, Ryan hangs out with a few guys whose names he can't reveal because he didn't get their legal consent. Now one of these young fellows who we'll call...Geoff, has a teeny-tiny problem with our hallucinating hero. He can't seem to stop beating the schnitzel out of him.

      "Hey Ge..." started Ryan. He couldn't quite finish his sentence due to the lack of oxygen. You see, Geoff always likes to think of knew ways to cause agony to Ryn so this time, he decided to choke him. "Sto...stop...can't...can't breath, Ge....."

***

      "Wow. I didn't think it was possible to choke the life outta someone so fast," said one of the antagonistic ‘friends’ of Ryan named Sean.

      "Yeah. Lets poke his eye with a stick," came another voice, only belonging to the person we shall know as Jesse.

      "Hey, I'm all ri...ow!" yelped Ryan, after getting a stick in his eye.

      "Holy shit!" yelled Jesse as he discovered Ryan was still alive.

      "Holy shit! Kill it now!"

      "Shut up Sean. I'm fine. No thanks to you ass-"

      Again, he was cut short by the chocking of Geoff and the waving stick controlled by Jesse. As you can see, this is going to be a very long day.

***

      "Dude, I think he's coming around," came Geoff’s voice. "Noogies!"

      "Ow! Shit, cut it out!" yelled Ryan while pushing away Geoff.

      "Sorry about the whole eye poking thing. And battering you with a stick."

      "It's cool, I gue...OW! What the hell!" screeched Ryan after pulling a familiar looking stick from his eye.

      "I still think it was cool that Geoff knocked you out, then Jesse, and now he's still poking you with a stick."

      "Yeah well, this story is running too long. I think this should be the end and it should have another chapter," remarked Geoff.

      "Seriously," said Ryan "Who's writing this shit?" 

Oh well, I guess that's it for now. Tune in next time for part 2. I need another round of beer to get my writing skills back.