Suicidal Cycle

I'm such a horrible person.

Part of me regrets we ever met and part of me wishes we hadn't. You were my closest friend and my worst enemy; my cherished companion and my nastiest betrayal. I put all my trust in you, more then I put in myself, and you betrayed it in one sentence. Two years ago I would have never imagine that the scrawny and fiery little blond/redhead would ever hurt me as much as you did that day.

It all started innocent enough. You were a friend of a friend, a mere acquaintance that sat next to me at lunch starting from the first day of school at Marlboro Middle School. Can you believe I thought you were a normal, conformed person? Crazy, I know but you soon proved my first impression wrong. Our mutual friend got us talking to each other. We quickly became friends though some common interests and insane rambling, you know the regular stuff crazies bond over. We talked on the phone almost everyday for at least an hour at a time. Your mom was nagging at you about the phone bill, and mine about me hogging the phone. I was a regular guest at your house, much to your mother's displeasure but she was always too lazy to drive you to mine.

We had some great laughs, do you remember? One of the funniest was when your brother ran into your new room, his old room before he moved down to the basement, in only his smiley face boxers. Poor guy hadn't known I was there, at the house that is, so he just casually walked it but the moment he saw me he splured into profanity and ran into your walk in closet which still held his cloths (which was why he was there in the first place). I remember I dubbed over laughing at his boxers, or was it his reaction? He came out minutes later and made a hasty retreat to the basement. You told me brother liked ever since then, why I don't know. oh well.

I told you things I never told anyone before. I told you everything. It's scary how much trust I had in you. But it thought you deserved that trust because you trusted me likewise. It was a perfect friendship. We talk about everything and nothing, and the best part was there was never any pressure, at least there wasn't until you put your world upon my shoulders. You were at fault for the growing rift in out friendship. Don't get me wrong, I understand that it was my fault too but you started the rift and you finished it.

If I try and think of when the falling-out started I would only give myself a headache. There isn't a date, it was slow and gradual but all that matters is that it happened. It wasn't anything big at first, just little things I suddenly had started to notice. Like the way you never seemed to take almost anything serious and the only thing you did take seriously you took too far. How many times could you possible give me those diatribes for killing a bug or some other wrong I committed against mother earth? Then it got worse. I started to notice how much of a spoiled brat you were. Whenever your mom refused to do something you'd ask her too you'd reply in that I've-got-you-wrapped-around-my-finger-and-you-know-it voice where you told her to do it. You'd also flaunt your wealth in my face at times and I think those two were my biggest problems at first.

You started it though; you started abusing my trust, little by little.

Now that I actually thing about it, the problems only started after we started going to different schools. You went to Marlboro High School, as you never tried to get the education you really deserved. I know you, you were, and still are, so much smarter then you give yourself credit for. Howell High School was the way for me, as I was the little over achiever and went for the education I wanted, that I know would help me succeed in life (at least I hope so). Things started to change because I was changing too. Circumstances forced me to change, not for the first time. Freshman year was hell with all the shit I had to deal with, that I didn't want to deal with. Nevertheless, no matter how hellish it was, it was the most liberating year and I would never undo it. Meeting new people, teachers and students alike, opened me in a way nothing ever had.

you, you grew bitter because I started to grow out of the mold you wanted to keep me in. You were angry that all of a sudden, I had different views that contradicted yours at times. You didn't like the new me. Then you yourself were having personal problems that led to you collapsing in on yourself emotionally.

You all of a sudden didn't want to talk about everything and nothing, you wanted to play that game we always did to escape reality. It was always "Wanna RP?" never "you wanna talk?" Oh no! Heaven forbid you'd wanna live in the real world for a minute. I started to drift from you then. No longer did I wish to play that game so much, I suddenly wanted to obtain a piece of reality all for myself, not to mention the enormous work load that kept me busy 24/7. But being blatantly blunt, I was kinda glad to get away from you and get around. You were like a raven, always the harbinger of something bad so it was only natural I wanted to get away from you, even for a little while. Yet, I felt bad, because you were still my .

Things got really bad during the end of the year. I just moved for the fifth time and "the" divorce was finalized. My life at that point was a shit hole, just as disgusting and putrid. I was a mess and regularly needed someone to talk you. That someone wasn't you. At the same time you were withdrawing farther and farther from reality into your little dream world with it's warm possessive arms wrapped tightly around you. It was scaring me to a point where I could no longer keep silent.

Calling you and confronting you about your problems was probably the stupidest thing I could have done. The fight that ensued was the worst in my life. Do you know what it's like to have your best friend threaten suicide if you didn't stop talking? That if you died it'd be my fault? You made me feel lower than I had ever felt before on that day. But I still forgave you and had absolute faith in you. What a fool I was.

A month passed with little to no fighting. We got over it and worked our problems out, or just agreed to never speak of them again, whichever. But then once again you wanted to play the game, and since it was now June 26th and I had no schoolwork to keep me busy I could have played.

But I didn't want to. I was sick of the game. And you started complaining on my choice of players for the game and I didn't want to argue about something I wanted no part in. Of course, when I told you this you just took the fight even farther. You started to complain and argue over things that I thought we got over. You started saying how much of a bitch I was and how cruel and unfair I had become. That hurt but it wasn't the first time you had said it, sadly. Since I had nothing to say to you I just let you rave and rant about whatever problem you had with me, no biggie, right? How wrong I was, because with your next words, all my trust, my faith and my world came crashing down. You used my worst fear against me to hurt me in the worst way possible.

I started to cry right there and then. Silent, mournful tears of pure pain. I hung up on you and refused to pick up your phone calls, thank you very much caller ID.

I fell in to a deep state of depression. I lost the will to live and would lay in bed doing nothing but thinking about your words and that maybe they were true. I started thinking that maybe I deserved your words. I wanted to die so badly, I went as far as completely planning out my suicide, date, time, method, and the notes I would leave to who and the contents of each. I had really scared myself at the time.

A week or so before my fifteenth birthday it got better though. I met some I really clicked with, and instantly he was my new best friend. I also finally mended a friendship I had ruined in seventh/either grade with someone I regret to have ever fought with too. She was talking to me and we finally got past that horrible fight. I was getting over you. It might have taken me a while, but I was. Also, after writing to a dear adult friend of mine a deeply disturbing email explaining my position, he contacted my mom who up until then refused to really listen to my please for help. He finally got it through her head that this was not a phase but there was seriously something wrong with me and she finally acted. Sure, we still haven't found me a counselor but at least she's finally trying.

When all was well and good I had to go and mess it all up. I had had ever intention of never forgiving you or contacting you again. But I needed to know why. Why did you say that? So I contacted you and I wish I hadn't. I got myself right back into a mess. I accepted your apology, I dare say, I forgave you.

But I don't forgive you! I don't trust you! I don't want to get back into this suicidal cycle. I want out, but I can't find the exit. There is no way I can fall out without hurting you and I don't want to hurt you, so I'm keeping my silence. Sure, I'm hurting myself, continuing this sham, but I rather hurt myself then hurt you. I'm not like you, I don't hurt my friends intentionally.

*** This was written as an essay for my Lit. class. I got into it so much that it came out quite nicely and I wanted to post it up to see what all of you think. This is about a broken trust and friendship.

I have expanded it and will hopefully be uploading it soon.