A Question with No Answer

"Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist." ~ Epicurus

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The sun shone on the red apple. It was a freshly ripped Macintosh. A juicy red one with a small green spot. Casey lifted it and pressed it against her lips, one hand twisting a strand of her caramel blonde locks with her elbow resting on the lunchroom table. Her brown eyes seemed glazed, not noticing anything around her. Not the people. No one. She spoke no words, but kept her lips pressed against the red apple. Then she bit into it. I don't usually notice details about anyone of my friends, especially Casey. She was mostly noticed in general by all her wild actions. But today, it was an exception. She was not herself, and every one of her actions spoke as if it were screaming. She seemed like an illusion, as if she wasn't even here, almost as if she was a ghost. Casey's grandmother just died this weekend, so I knew that she'd be a little distant. But not like this. I sighed and turned to Lana. She was quietly reading a book and munching on a granola bar, headphones around her black her, her brown eyes gazing the lines of her book. She was reading, "Snow Falling on Cedars" I noticed. Lana always read, and she was never a person to be disturbed when she had her nose stuck in a book, so I made no comment about Casey to her. I turned back to Casey. Her apple had been bitten only once, and her lips were once again pressed against it, her eyes still glazed. Behind her, I noticed Evan coming from the lunch line, a tray in hand. He slouched to our table, muttered a "Hey", sat down and started munching on his hamburger like there was no tomorrow. Lana looked up. "Uck," she spoke with slight disgust. "How can you eat that thing? All that meat. It's so vile." Evan shrugged his shoulders, finished his hamburger with one more bite, swallowed and took a drag from his coke. "It tastes good," he answered quietly, his gray eyes looked upon her. "And besides, just because you're a vegetarian doesn't mean I have to stop eating meat." He bit into another hamburger. Shaking her head, Lana turned back to her book. "I'll never understand you Van. You animal," she declared, calling Evan by his nickname. "Well, I am human," smiled Evan, running a hand through his brown hair. "Doesn't that make me an animal?" Slowly and lightly, Casey smiled. Her first smiled I've seen all day. Though it was small, at least it was a real smile. "You guys argue too much about food," I mumbled, turning back to my own lunch. "What happens when we die?" The three of us suddenly turned to Casey. Unexpectedly, and out of the blue, Casey said those words. It seemed as if she wasn't directing the question to us, but in general. "Well?" she asked, turning her gaze to us. "What do you think happens when we die?" I was speechless. I've known Casey most of my life and she has never asked such a question. She was always so carefree, her mind so clear and clean. But almost immediately and instantly I answered, "We go to Heaven or Hell when we die." Casey shook her head. "But how do you know that Rae?" she asked. "How can you be certain that it's true? Just because it says it in the bible doesn't necessarily make it true." She took another bite from her Macintosh. "Lana Hiwatari is a Buddhist, Evan Stein is a Jew, you, Rachel Ward is a Christian and I, Cassandra Marlone am a Roman Catholic," she stated. "We all have different ideas about death. So how do you know what happens when you die?" At that time, those words embedded themselves into my head. For the very first time, someone made me question not only my belief, but also my religion. How do we know? Just because it's in the bible? Clouds began to form, and that question ringed inside my head. "What happens when you die?"

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I cannot explain why, but that question troubled me. It made me think more than I've ever thought about anything else like this. It made me think about something that is greater than myself, and whether or not it exists, and what really happens when we die. I wanted the answer. I needed that answer. What does happen? When I got home that night, I entered the living room like a shadow on the wall, barely noticing anything at all. I dropped my bag onto the floor and stalked to the couch like a manikin. "Hi honey!" my mom called from the kitchen. "How was school?" I didn't answer as I crashed on the yellow sofa. I don' think I even heard her. The question was still bugging me. I grabbed my hair in frustration and pulled. "ARGH!" I cried in anger. "Damn you Casey! Why do you have to do this to me!?" I'm Rachel Ward! Questions like these don't frustrate me. Do they? My mom poked her head out from the kitchen where she was making dinner. "Everything okay Rae?" she asked gently. "What's wrong between you and Cassandra? Aren't you two still friends?" I grunted in return and slouched into the sofa, trying to be as small as I can and disappear. "Yeah," I replied. "We're still friends, except she did something today at lunch and it's driving me insane." "Well, what did she do?" inquired my mother. Why does she have to prey so much, I though, it's none of her business. I just wanted to shrivel up and die right now. But I knew not answering her would only make her pry even more. That annoys me to no end. "She asked out of the blue today what happens when we die?" I mumbled in reply. "Hm," she thought about this for a moment. "Well, we go to Heaven, or Hell, depending on who we are hon'." I was just about to argue against her with what Casey had said, but before I could even open my mouth, the phone rang. Perfect. "Just a sec honey, I'll just go pick that up." And she walked back to the kitchen to pick up the cordless phone. Once again, I was left alone with the lousy question Casey left in my head.

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After a couple hours of trying to do my homework, the question finally won and I gave up. About that time dad came home, along with the "monster", Mattie, who dad had picked up from soccer practice. Then dinner arrived. While everyone talked, I sate quietly at the dinner table, pushing my food around the plate. I didn't feel hungry. Or perhaps I've really been driven insane by Casey's stupid question. "Are you okay Rae?" asked my dad as he drank from his glass. "You seemed distant tonight, and you're not eating your dinner. What's wrong?" I shrugged. Half of my brain was still focused on the question. "It's nothing," I answered, giving a loud sigh. Mattie gave a small laugh. "Finally trying to lose some weigh Rae and officially become anorexic?" he joked. I glared at him evilly, trying to think of ways to kill him. But that lasted about 60 seconds as the question crawled its way back into my little head. "Ha ha ha!" I laughed with heavy sarcasm in my voice. "That's so funny Matt. Actually, Casey stuck a question into my brain and now it has permanently grown roots inside my head." "What's the question?" asked my dad. Damn! Not this again. Well, might as well tell him. If I don't, mom is probably going to tell him anyways. "What happens when we die?" I repeated my question for the second time that day. "We do to Heaven stupid," mocked Mattie. Mom gave him a stern look, "Mathew, enough with the insults." The "monster" shrugged and continued on with his dinner. "Rachel," said my father, "If you are a good person in life, then God will see great things for you in your death. If you do terrible things, then well, you go to Hell." Interesting. Three different people with all the same answer. But isn't this what I was made to think? I sighed and gave up on dinner. I took a can of cappuccino ice cream and went to watch "The Simpsons". I barely paid any attention to the show. Even that family made it so that we know God sends us to Heaven or Hell after death. This began to seem so hyped. As if everyone is made to believe this. Is this some kind of weird conspiracy or am I really going insane? At that time, the phone rang, again. It was my friend from New York, Camille Lowder. I chatted with her for a while. First about nonsense; stuff like school, T.V, music and all that other stuff. Then, when I told her about what had happened this morning between Casey and me, and the stupid question, she too asked, "What's the question?" "What happens when we die?" I responded. At the other line, Camille laughed. "That's such a hypothetical question," she laughed tauntingly. "I have two views on that. The first, we go to Limbo, the place all souls go when they die and get transferred to another body. The second answer is, well, we go to Heaven or Hell, depending on if we were good or not." She laughed lightly, "Kind of reminds me of Santa and Christmas." Surprisingly, every person that had asked me what the question was, had almost the same answer. In fact, they were all the same answer. I'm prepared to pull my hair soon. This stupid question is driving me nuts! What happens when we die? And how do we know we really do go to Heaven or Hell? How do we know what happens?

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It had been almost two days since Casey put that question inside my head. And it is still in there. I had no opportunity to scream or yell at her because on the night that she first asked me the question, she, her sister and brother, and her mother went to Vancouver, where her grandmother's funeral was being held. Though I do have sympathy towards her, I still wanted to kill her for putting the question into my head. But maybe, hopefully, something good can come from this. Ha! Yeah, right. Today was Sunday. Sunday services had just finished at my church and I was planning on meeting with Evan and Lana at the mall. I wanted to take my mind off the question, since it has been driving me insane for the last couple of days. Taking the bus was not my idea of an excellent way of transportation, but it will have to be the only way I can get around until I turn 16 next year. So here I sat, with an old lady next to me, at the bus stop. The question still rung in my head like the bells at church. I feel so frustrated! Why does this have to happen to me? Am I doomed to suffer under the annoying curse of the wonderful question Casey put into my head? I'm not sure about that anymore. I just don't know. Philosophy is not something I'm good at. I sighed heavily, a look of deadly depression on my face. "Anything the matter?" asked the granny next to me. "The name's Rebecca. You seemed troubled dear? What's wrong?" I turned to her. She was around 60 or 70. Her hair was a silvery gray and her eyes were crystal blue. Though I'm sick and tiered of people always asking me "Rae, what's wrong?" I couldn't just not answer the old woman. It would be so rude of me. Also very inconsiderate too. "Um," I murmured. "I'm not sure what's wrong really. A friend of mine asked me a question a couple of days ago and I have no answer to it." She listened attentively and nodded. "What's the question dear?" she asked, not pushing me for the answer. I gazed at her, her crystal blue eyes shining like the sky. "What happens when we die?" Rebecca smiled a kind smile. A warm and fuzzy feeling ran through me. "Ah," she spoke. "That is a question with many sides and faces. One with humanity has not answer to. It is an ever lasting circle, with no beginning, middle or end." I though about what she said. "I want to know the answer," I whispered. "My dear, this question has no answer," she replied softly. "It is a question with no answer. Though it has mystified people for millions of years, we will never be sure what really happens when we die, and it will remain that way for no living knows the truth. This question isn't suppose to have an answer. It is an question that should never be known. It is only based on a person's belief. I believe in God and Angels. I believe that when we die, our souls go to a place of ever lasting peace. Never questioning how we were in life. A place for all souls. Good or bad. We stay until the time is right. Until God leads our spirit to a new body, and a new life. I believe that Angels are messengers, helpers to people in need. I believe in reincarnation, that life continued after death. I believe in ghosts, and I believe that they are merely lost and do not wish to scare us and make us fear." Rebecca paused for a moment, and then she continued. "Those are the things I believe. They are not hyped. They are what I believe in. Me alone. And if someone else does so too, then it is their choice in doing so." At that time, the bus arrived. I quickly pulled out my ticket from my pocket and stood up. I suddenly remembered Rebecca, and I wanted to thank her for her answer. It was different from everyone else's answer, and it really changed my perspective. But when I turned around to thank her, she was gone. Just like the wind. Gone.

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It was another day at school once again. Casey had returned from Vancouver, her mood still the same. Lana, Evan and I sate together with Casey like we always do at lunchtime. Lana was reading, Evan was eating hungrily, and Casey was still off in her little world. Finally, I decided to say something. "Casey?" I asked quietly. "You know that question you asked a couple of days ago?" Casey looked up at me with her brown eyes. Lana and Evan also turned to me too. "Yeah," Casey answered dully, "I remember the question. What happens when we die? Why? You've found the answer?" I shook my head. "Nope," I answered. "That question has no answer. It is a question with no answer. An ever-lasting cycle. What happens after death, we the living, will never know. It just wasn't meant to be. And I think I'm back to believing in Heaven or Hell. It's just what I believe in, and I don't care if someone else does so too. It's not hyped. It's just what I believe in. What we think is what we think. It's out belief, and everything is based on our beliefs. And our dreams." Casey smiled warmly. A true smile. The ones I used to see when we were hanging out together, doing anything, and nothing. I smiled too. "That's a good answer," she admitted. I shook my head once again. "It's not an answer Case'. It's just a belief. And from before last week to now, my perspective has changed dramatically." Evan laughed, "You had a perspective? Really? Well, I know Casey was the first one to change it. Who's the second that did? God?" I smiled at my friends. "Nope," I answered happily. "An Angel."

Fin

© 2002 by Jia Z. and Atashi K.