The End With You

By Dani

1. Hannah’s Darkness

Madly scribbled gray lines became the shadows on the solemn man’s face in the sketch as Hannah’s hand worked hard to keep up with the image in her mind. She wanted to ball the paper up and throw it away since the now-saddened face on the man had originally been impish. It was no wonder that she wasn’t satisfied with any of her art lately. Her portfolio would show off all sorts of color, emotions, and objects. Lately, all her works were done in pencil or charcoal, never to be colored, and the subjects all seemed to be distraught males. The males always had beautiful baby-faces. One eye always seemed to get shaded darker than the other. After drawing them, she’d hide them in her desk drawer and blame her barely lit bedroom for the darkness that shone through in the art. Anything to get the blame off herself, she’d use. Her hand drifted almost effortlessly around the picture to perfect the shading, as her eyes seemed to stare beyond the picture. Before she was finished, a bit of a background had been drawn. When she saw what she had done. Hannah wanted to rip the picture in two.

Instead, she threw her pencil across the room and threw herself onto her bed in a dramatic spin. After 8 years, the memories she thought she had locked away had came back from behind her their doors. She laid with her arms wide open, her eyes closed as she let them run their course again.

The third day of 4-H summer camp, Hannah was completely lost during the free hours of the afternoon. The friend she had planned on coming with had backed out of going at the last minute and she wasn’t that great at making new friends. She’d asked her counselor what all there was to do during free time, and swimming had been suggested to her. Deciding that even though she couldn’t swim, she could stick her feet in, Hannah pulled on her bathing suit and went to the pool. As she sat on the edge of the pool, she noticed four boys had cornered another and was laughing at him.

“Haha, are you sure you’re a boy? You sure look like a girl to me! I don’t think you should sleep in the boy’s bunk anymore. Fag,” one boy cackled.

“Yeah, you need to shower by yourself, too, brat!” another said, pushing him.

“Ahh! Don’t look at me with those evil eyes! They’re freaky!”

“And what the hell is with your back? Dude, that’s nasty! You need to put on a shirt or something, no one wants to see that!” the first asked.

Hannah’s eyes immediately tried to see what was wrong with the boy’s back. With the side angle though, all she could see was wet auburn hair.

“Yeah, that back is just too nasty for words! What the hell happened, did your daddy try to run you over with a lawnmower?”

The boy turned, trying to hoist himself out of the pool, but the others kept pulling him back down. Hannah could see his back clearly. The other boys were right. His back was a bit nasty. Two vertical slits, starting right below his shoulder blades and covering the expanse of his back in oval shapes were several shades lighter than the rest of his sunburned skin. The flesh inside the ovals wasn’t smooth like most scars, but seemed like there would be knots under the uneven flesh. She had to wonder what could have happened to cause his back to look like something from a horror movie.

Finally the boy turned back around, giving up on his struggle to get out of the pool. His hair was slicked back due to the water, but Hannah knew that the water on his face didn’t come from the pool alone. “Leave him alone!” she shouted, not able to just watch any longer. The boy’s eyes widened as the looked at her and Hannah saw why the other boys called him evil eyes. A clear, bright green eye stared at her from the left socket, seeming full of innocence and sadness. The right one was a dark brown, deep and knowing. She could see a shy plea for help within the both.

“Who asked you, ratface?” one boy quickly snapped.

“Oooooh, I know! This must be his girlfriend!” another laughed in singsong.

The eldest shook his head. “Nah, she’s too ugly. And faggots don’t get girlfriends.”

Hannah opened her mouth to tell them off a bit more, but the boy’s mouth worked quicker. “Leave her out of this, I don’t even know her. Don’t bring her into this!” he pleaded.

She swallowed hard, wanting to run away. She had only made things worse for the boy and he no longer wanted her help. His eyes wouldn’t meet with hers anymore as the boys turned back around to him. He began to fight to get out of the pool once more.

“You know, faggots don’t go to heaven. You oughta try to hook up with ratface. That way you won’t burn in Hell. Your daddy and mommy are gonna burn there anyway for creating something as hideous as you, monster-boy. Maybe you want to go visit them.” 

The boy’s began to literally shake as he kicked and began to shout words so fast that Hannah couldn’t make sense of them. The last words had obviously enraged him. Landing his foot directly on the eldest boy’s crotch, he was released and able to scramble out of the pool and run away. Hannah had to smirk at the elder boy who was crying then, but her heart was beating fast and her mind was begging her to follow the monster-boy. Her feet responded to her mind after a minute or so and she began after the boy, heading into the woods where he had run.

She found him sitting near the campfire site that the camp used within the woods. He was sitting on the ground, his bare back pressed against a log bench with his knees brought up to his chest. He was chewing on his thumb and still crying a bit. Hannah pulled the towel from around her shoulders, since she was wearing a t-shirt and shorts over her bathing suit, and offered it to him. He looked up at her, tears still spilling down his cheeks, and blinked.

“They’re just jerks. Don’t let them bother you, okay?” she tried, still holding out the towel.

He took the towel and wrapped it around his shivering body as he stood up. Hannah was taken aback as he threw his arms around her, burying his wet head between her neck and shoulder. She stood dumbfounded for a moment and put her arms around him, too, trying to comfort him. He was sobbing into her neck and she wished she could make it better somehow.

A little while later, he had silently calmed down. Neither had spoken a word as they pulled away and just sat down on the ground near each other. Hannah didn’t know what she should say, but she noticed that he was really pretty. He looked almost girlish, but still something masculine about him. His hair had dried a bit, falling into his eyes in a ragged way. She found herself wishing that she could actually get a boyfriend that cute, but felt sad knowing he probably had a girlfriend somewhere back home.

“I don’t know anyone out here. My parents went to Italy for the summer and I didn’t want to burden them so I asked to come here. But I hate it so much,” he finally said.

“I do, too. My parents made me come even after my friend decided she wasn’t coming. I’m all alone out here and I hate it.”

“Everyone teases me about everything. It’s so stupid.” His words were coming out so angry as opposed to the sweet, sensitive side he’d shown her just moments before.

“Well, my momma always said that people tease those that they are jealous of.”

He looked at her incredulously. “Jealous? Of what? I have nothing!”

“You didn’t let me finish. I don’t really think momma’s right. I read in a book once that people don’t understand things sometimes, so they fear it. And instead of being okay with that fear within themselves, they have to make the other feel like the outcast because they don’t understand. It’s better than admitting to themselves that they are just stupid or something. So they tease and make fun of what they don’t understand so they won’t fear it as much anymore.”

The boy blinked at her, obviously thinking about what she said. “They don’t understand about what I am. And they are afraid, right? And they are supposed to be strong and brave, so they make fun of me to compensate? Is that it?”

Hannah nodded. “Yep.”

He sighed deeply. “I’m always gonna get teased then, aren’t I?”

“I won’t tease you. I mean, I don’t understand, but I won’t tease you either. I’m okay with admitting I’m afraid.”

He grinned a bit. “You’re afraid of me?”

Hannah’s heart was in her throat. Of course she was scared of the pretty little boy in front of her. It was her first chance at a friendship here at camp, not to mention she’d love to hold his hand and was scared he’d notice her staring at his beautiful eyes. Everything she was saying made her sound more and more dorkish by the moment and God he was so cute when he grinned like that. She suddenly found the bravery she had while consoling him was gone in the midst of his grin. No words would come out now. Instead, she shrugged at him and tried to avoid his eyes.

He shook his head, his grin fading. His voice was like a hoarse whisper then, as if he might cry again. “Don’t be afraid of me, then. I’m no one to be feared at all. I’m just… Just a kid.”

“I’ll try,” she managed to say.

“See… Well. I’ll tell you, and if you laugh then you’re no better than they are. My parents said never to tell anyone, but I… I just want to tell you, is that okay?”

Hannah nodded quickly. This cute boy was going to trust her with a secret?! She’d keep it forever if she had to, as long as he didn’t tell her he had killed someone or something.

He chewed on his thumb again for a minute, looking at her face as if deciding one last time whether he could trust her or not. Hannah put on the most innocent eyes she could, silently willing him to tell her this. She wanted to hear it so badly. She needed him to trust her for some unknown reason. “I’m an angel,” he finally admitted.

Hannah blinked. Twice. Was he joking? “An angel? Like from Heaven?”

“Kinda, but I was born here on earth. They took my wings from me when I was born so I get all these extra bones growing in my back that have to be taken out every now and then.”

Hannah didn’t think for a second that this boy would tell her a lie. “So that’s what those scars are?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I know they look funny but I can’t help it. It’s just the way I am.”

“That makes you special, then. It’s nothing to be afraid of.”

“Told you!”

Hannah smiled, losing herself for a minute. When he returned the smile, she got all fidgety again.

“So what makes you special?” he asked, looking at her intently.

Her mouth didn’t want to work, but she wanted to be able to tell him a secret, too. Finally, something came to mind. “My name’s a palindrome.”

“A palindrome? What’s that?”

“It’s something that is the same way backwards that it is forward.” Hannah’s mind was screaming that what she had told him was incredibly stupid and that he was going to laugh any minute.

The boy seemed to be lost in thought again. It took him a few moments before he spoke back up. “Then your name is either Anna or Hannah or something like that. Those are the only ones I can think of.”

Hannah’s heart leaped. He had understood her stupid babble and even guessed her name. “It’s Hannah,” she said, grinning like an idiot and suddenly not caring.

“My name’s Shayne. It’s not anything special like yours, though. My mom liked it so much I was going to be named that whether I was a boy or a girl.”

She nodded at him, still able to smile.

“I hope that you’ll be my friend, though. I feel like a moron right now, crying like that and then telling you everything about me without even knowing you.”

“It’s okay. Honest. I don’t mind, and I’d like to have a friend.”

“Good. Then it’s settled. We’ll be friends and we won’t have to be alone out here anymore.”

The memories of that point and time weren’t really all that painful. They had become good friends and neither was left alone that summer. Hannah never found a friend as good as Shayne again. That summer, even through her nervousness, she’d been able to tell him anything openly and he didn’t think any less of her. He’d even smile at the things she thought made her incredibly geeky, listen intently at some of her deepest secrets, and try to comfort her when she was having a bad day. She tried her best to do the very same for him. Yet her friends in high school had been basically people she sat with at recesses. They never invited her out on their Saturday night get-togethers, the only time they spent time with her was to copy her homework or class notes, and she had a sinking feeling they always talked about her when she wasn’t around. She hadn’t heard from any of them in the past month since their graduation, nor had she made the effort to contact them.

“Is Hannah Mossley in this cabin?” a stout counselor asked, looking a bit annoyed.

Hannah’s last name was Mosely, but she knew she was the only Hannah in the cabin. She jumped down from her top bunk on the bed and walked to the door. “That’s me,” she said.

The counselor looked her up and down. “Some kid asked me to give this to you.” And with that, Hannah was handed a folded note with her name printed across it. She tried to hide her giddy grin as her heart raced, knowing Shayne had sent it. So what if he had gotten her last name wrong?

“Thanks!” She ran back to her bunk and opened the note. Her eyes reread it three times before she sighed, realizing that he was saying that he wouldn’t be able to sit by her at supper that night because of the new time his troop had to eat that night.

 She kept telling herself that it’d get better once she got into art school, but she felt almost dead inside. The creativity she usually felt towards the field felt as if it had been locked in the back of her mind and only dark, scared pictures ever came out lately. She was desperately trying to blame anything but her depression for her dismal artwork, but it wasn’t helping. She tried to tell herself that even the greatest artists had their dark periods and some of their greatest works came from it. She was scared because she knew there was only one person who could fix this darkness within her soul. 

Later that night, it was almost light’s out time as Hannah was walking back to her bunk from the bathroom/shower building. She had just finished brushing her teeth and was about to change into her pajamas and go to bed.

“Psst!”

She stopped and looked around nervously for a snake on the ground, a bit scared. She didn’t see anything.

“Hannah! Over here!”

Over behind the trees, she saw a familiar face peering out. Shayne waved at her. She smiled and nearly yelled out his name before she realized what time it was and how much trouble Shayne could get into if he got caught over by the girls’ bunks. Some other girls came out of the bathrooms and Shayne hid quickly. Hannah waited, searching on the ground as if she’d dropped something. When the coast was clear, she ran towards the trees, a bag holding her toothbrush and toothpaste still in her hand.

Shayne grabbed her hand once she was in reach and pulled her deeper into the trees. She kept stumbling and each time he’d look back grinning at her to make sure she was okay. Once they were deep enough into the woods, he turned to her. “I’m sorry, but I had to see you.”

“Is something wrong?”

“Yeah, I didn’t get to see you today!”

Hannah cocked her head. “But there’s been days when we missed each other before.” Only she would be dense enough to argue with a hidden compliment, but it was days later before she even realized what she had done.

Shayne’s smile fell. “But… It’s so close to time to go back home.”

Her heart sped up when he squeezed her hand. “We can exchange addresses so we can write to each other, right? And you’ll come back next summer, too?”

“Why not phone numbers?”

“My parents are Neanderthals that don’t believe in phones,” she grumbled.

He laughed. “Then of course we will. But for now…” He got kind of quiet as he looked up. “For now… I just… While we can, you know. Be here. Together.”

Hannah was amazed that he actually seemed embarrassed. It didn’t make sense to her at first. Of course she’d spend night and day with him if the counselors would allow it, she didn’t want to be apart from him at all. Here was this gorgeous boy telling her he felt the same way. She knew if she could see him better, he’d be blushing. She knew she sure was. “Alright.”

It was unusual for an uncomfortable silence to fall between them, because usually one or the other had something to ramble on about. Shayne was still looking up as Hannah began to kick sticks on the ground around, their hands just swinging a bit in the air.

“Hannah?”

She looked up at him, not sure why his voice was so unsteady. “Hmm?”

“I hated it. When I first got here, and the first week or so before I met you, I mean. I hated this place so much. And now? I don’t want it to end. I don’t want to leave at all.”

“Why?” she asked, already knowing the answer. She felt the same way. 

“Because you’re here. Leaving here means leaving you behind, too.”

“But it’s only until next summer.”

“That’s a really long time! I don’t really have any friends back home, either. They all think I’m a freak there, too.” His voice was so quiet as he admitted that.

“I’ll miss you, too, Shayne.” Even though he hadn’t said it, she was sure it was what he meant.

His eyes fell from the sky to her quickly, his mouth slightly agape. “Will you really?”

She nodded. “Of course I will, silly.” Was he really that shocked by her confession?

“I shouldn’t be glad of that, but I am.”

“It’s okay.”

“Then…” His voice trailed off.

“Then what?” Hannah asked.

His other hand reached up quickly and cupped her cheek, his lips quickly closing in on hers. It shocked Hannah so much that she gave a small cry of surprise and stepped back away from him.

“I… I’m so sorry…” he stammered.

Hannah shook her head quickly, blinking. “No, I… I wasn’t expecting that!”

“I shouldn’t have…”

“No!” she interrupted. “I just wasn’t ready.”

“Oh.”

She looked down at her feet and fought for courage. “But I’m ready now,” she whispered.

This time she didn’t move away when his hand cupped her face, his thumb carefully smoothing her cheek. “So soft…” he muttered before his lips pressed against hers again. This time, her knees turned into jelly and she had to lock them to keep her balance. His lips were so warm that her entire body could feel their heat. It was as if that warmth was coursing through her very veins. The kiss only lasted for a few moments, but for them it seemed an eternity that would last them until the next summer.

It had lasted Hannah much longer than that, though. He was the only one that could make her feel happy again, she was sure of it. She didn’t like having to admit she was depressed even to herself. It was a sickness that always happened to other people, a sickness that she thought would bring unwanted attention on her. Doctors would want her to talk, pretending they cared about her situation, and they’d put her on medications that would really mess with her mind. She was really becoming afraid of her state. But, what could she do? Her situation had taken her nearly 8 years to reach. Would it take longer to get out of it?

She stood back up, trying to force her mind not to think on the last part of her camp memories. She looked back at the picture she had drawn, still mad at herself for drawing the woods in the background. She picked it up and sat back down on her bed. Hannah had left her heart in those woods and she didn’t feel as if she’d ever get it back. She shed her tears in private though, and showed a mostly cynical face to the world. It was unfair that she was barely 18 and had to hold so much pain. She was easily jealous of all the other girls at school who thought just because one guy didn’t like them, their world was over. She even could envy the ones that had new boyfriends every week. At least they could move on after feeling pain for a few days or so. Hannah would never get rid of the darkness growing within her. Not without him, at least.

Her alarm clock began to sound off. She groaned, reaching across her bed and slapping it off. She always set it when she had class because there had been too many times that she got caught up in drawing and would look up to see that she was late for class or had completely missed it. Setting it for an hour or so before classes always kept her on track. She put the picture in her desk drawer with the rest of the ones she kept hidden. They were the ones that were drawn too close to the truths. And as she pulled her shoes on, those painful truths refused to stop running through her mind.

Long lines of buses filled the parking lot of the camp as kids scattered everywhere with their bags trying to find their counselors. Some kids seemed tired, some seemed happy, and then there were the ones like Hannah and Shayne. Stoic, quiet, and fighting back tears. They were sitting on the sidewalk, bags on either side of them, holding hands. They were having trouble looking at one another, knowing they’d cry if they had to. They had promised they wouldn’t let each other see the tears. It was hard enough and not seeing smiles would make it even harder.

“I gave you back your shirt, right?” Hannah asked, just to break the deafening silence.

“Yeah. You could’ve kept it.” Shayne had loaned it to her during the bonfire the night before when she said she was cold.

“Give it back then,” Hannah said, able to grin a bit.

“Next summer, I will.” His voice sounded so distant and sad.

“You won’t forget me?”

Shayne looked at her finally. “Never. Not as long as I live will I ever forget about you.”

Hannah was struck by the sheer honesty he was using. His eyes seemed so much more serious than she’d ever seen them, as if he’d grown up so much since the first time she looked into them. His jaw was set firmly and he was clenching her hand. He pulled her hand up to his lips and kissed the back of it. Three words were screaming in her mind, three words that she wanted to tell him so badly. She never had trouble telling him anything, really, but this was proving to be the hardest. She changed them, instead. “I won’t either.”

“Better not. I’ll hunt you down and…”

“And what?” She raised her eyebrow at him.

He grinned. “I dunno. It sounded good in my head!” He shrugged.

“Hey! You two! Where’s your bus? You have five minutes before they depart! Get moving!” some counselor said, walking by.

Hannah’s smile fell as quickly as Shayne’s did. The words had caused her to start shaking. She was going to have to leave this happy little world she had found with Shayne and go back to her closed shelter that was home. “No…” she mumbled, tears welling up despite the promises.

“Hannah…” Shayne whimpered. “Don’t!”

But it was too late. Her tears were already falling. Shayne wrapped his arms around her and held her to him, much like she had done for him the first day they had met. After a few moments, he pushed her away and bravely led her to her bus. Hannah found a seat and looked out to see he was watching her still. She wasn’t sure, but it looked as if he were crying. She raised her fingers and wiggled them, her throat fighting back sobs. His fingers rose to his lips and blew her a kiss. She couldn’t help but to smile at his gesture and that made him smile as well. He turned away quickly as they were both smiling and ran away. Hannah began to cry full force when she couldn’t see him anymore. The next summer wouldn’t get there fast enough.

She had felt completely stupid when she realized that he had given her his address the same night of the bonfire and that she had put the paper in his shirt pocket. It was still in that shirt pocket when she gave the shirt back. She tried not to worry too much, knowing she had given him her address. No letters from Shayne ever came. The next summer came, but Shayne didn’t. The next summer after that, he still didn’t come. Hannah went every year, little to no friends, waiting for Shayne to come back. When Hannah was too old to go to camp, she went as a counselor just in case he chose that summer to return.

Heart-broken wasn’t even the word for her. She had always thought it silly for a girl to rearrange her life for a boy, yet she was calling the kettle black. She held onto the hopes that one summer she’d go back and find him even though she knew he must’ve found a girlfriend wherever he was. He’d forgotten her, no matter how honest he had been the day he swore he wouldn’t. Kids say things sometimes they didn’t mean and that made Hannah glad that she hadn’t told him that she loved him. Then on other days, she cried believing that maybe if she had of, he’d of come back.

She wiped away the few tears that decided to pester her as she grabbed her backpack. She checked that all the supplies she’d need for her art class were in there before she slung it on her back. She grabbed her keys and her pale lavender hooded sweater. It wasn’t really cold outside, but the classrooms were always frozen. She had a quirk about her ears getting too cold, so hoods always helped. She turned off her light and headed downstairs.

“Oh, are you off to class already, dearie?” Granna asked. She wasn’t kin to Hannah at all, but the old lady still insisted that she be called Granna.

“Yes, ma’am. We’ve got a model to draw today.” Hannah gave her a small smile. She was a nice little lady that needed someone to live with her to help her do some everyday things at times. Hannah didn’t want to live in the dorms of the school she was going to. One of her mother’s friends was Granna’s daughter and set up the entire arrangement. It helped Hannah get used to being hundreds of miles away from home, too. Granna often told her that she was a sweet girl and that she was glad she was there, but there were times when Hannah didn’t like the responsibility of looking after Granna. They got along well enough, though.

“Draw pretty then, sweetie. I’ll fix us some nice soup for supper tonight, okay?” Granna smiled a toothless grin.

Hannah nodded. “Sure thing. I’ll be back later.” With that, she began her trek to school.