In a person of Takafumi

Author’s Notes: This started out as an experiment to try and work out where one of my weirder charas was coming from, how he thought, behaved and saw other people. Trying to get inside the head of a chara you have decided is very badly mentally damaged is, though fun, a bit of a pain in the proverbial, if only because the thought processes needed are to say the least frickin' bizarre. In fact, I found myself surprised by some of the things that turned up here; this boy is even more of a screw-up than I thought he was and that's really saying something... My first finished attempt at first-person writing, so be nice. _____

"Good grief, you really shouldn't fret so much."

I know. I know. I know I shouldn't fret so much and I wish I didn't. I know it drives them all crazy, it drives *me* crazy too. I wish I could stop doing it but I can't. I've tried and it just doesn't work. I know I'm a nervous wreck, what can I do about it? I did all I could and I was still a nervous wreck afterwards, it didn't help. Well, smoking helps a little. I know it's bad for me, I've been told over and over that I'm shortening my life but… well, let's just say I don't worry about the future that much. I can't even imagine being thirty so someone saying that I might be dead of cancer or somesuch by fifty-five doesn't scare me all that much. I don't intend to live that long anyway, but then I doubt most young people do. But I don't want a cigarette right now and I'm still tense. My therapist says counting to ten sometimes helps so I do that now. I count my breaths. One, two, three, four, five, six… normally I don't feel any less jumpy at the end of it but I guess I can hide it better after. It's better than dosing yourself with valium, he says, especially what with your job. He says I'm a creative person and the last thing I should do is stupefy myself with drugs. I suppose I trust him to know what's best.

That's rare. Who else do I trust? Aki and Mitsuko of course… the others I'm not sure about. I think I trust Kimi and Seiko but I know I don't trust Hana, I wouldn't trust Hana to tell me the sun would rise tomorrow, he's unreliable for all that he's nice, or can be nice when he feels like it. And Kurai… well, Kurai scares me a little. He's my friend too, but he scares me, I don't really know why. Of course I like them all but liking someone's not the same as trusting them. Or is it? Maybe I'm wrong.

I'm probably wrong. I'm not good with people.

Sorry Kimi, I think. I'm always apologizing and that drives people crazy too especially when I apologize for something and it's not my fault but I always feel like I'm in the way somehow even when I know I'm not. Even round my friends I feel like I'm in the way and I'm only there on sufferance. It sounds crazy, doesn't it? But I don't know what to do about it. It's another thing I've tried to change and I can't do that either. I've always been like this, at least I think I have been, I know I have been recently. It's not a nice way to be. I'm sorry for that too.

But I can't think of anything to say to Kimi - I know he worries too, he worries about all of us, he's like a big brother would be… well I think he is, but Kurai doesn't and he's the only one here with an elder brother, but I don't want to let my fancy go that easily. It's a nice thing to imagine, I think. Anyway I don't want to make Kimi worry, so I don't speak. He wouldn't want me to apologize, I know. I smile, shake my head once and draw one knee up to my chest and wrap my arms round it. That makes my skirt ride up practically to my waist, so I tug it back down again. It suddenly occurs to me that sat like this I feel exposed; one of my legs is practically bare, the other hardly much more covered. I'm probably showing the room my stocking tops. It's embarrassing and I feel myself flush slightly, but I don't move. In spite of the fact that it's undignified, for some reason I like to sit like this… it wouldn't matter if I was wearing pants, but for some reason I don't like them. They just feel wrong. Aki's staring, I can tell even though I can't see him right now I know he's staring at me. If it were anyone else here I think I'd get annoyed but it's nothing he hasn't seen a thousand times before (and it's not like I mind that he stares, it's almost flattering in it's own way though I suspect he'd prefer to see my panties). It's nothing anyone in this room hasn't seen at least a hundred.

It could be worse. At least they're new stockings.

Kimi mutters "I'm worried about that kid." He's not looking at me but I know he's talking about me. Well, it follows that he is after that abortive conversation. Or maybe I'm paranoid. Or maybe I'm getting paranoid about being seen as paranoid. Maybe. I tug at one of my boot laces and shift position slightly and inspect my fingernails. I don't like my hands much. I wish I could grow my nails longer than this but the guitar means I have to keep them short. I think I'm justifiably paranoid, though. It probably is me that Kimi's worrying about. I like to think he likes me. Now that does sound crazy. I know he likes me. I just don't believe it, some days.

Kurai says "I need a drink" and then he yawns, covering his mouth with one hand. He has very white teeth, dark lips, pale skin, red-black nails… lightness and darkness. He's obsessed with contrasts, any contrasts, if he had his way he'd probably have Hana ands I swap stage outfits just to see what it looked like. He wouldn't, though, partly because Hana couldn't get into my clothes if he tried and I'd look like a kid trying on my dad's suits in Hana's, and partly because Hana's almost half a foot taller than him, he could flatten him if he wanted to and if Kurai didn't fight dirty. I've never seen Kurai fight but he looks as if he would fight dirty, doesn't he? I bet he bites. I think he looks predatory when he does that yawn. But then he is predatory, in his own non-lethal way. Kurai's a cat. He certainly preens like one, and occasionally regards the world through bored, inscrutable eyes. I sometimes get the feeling he knows something the rest of us don't and he won't tell even if we ask nicely. Ever felt that the world's holding back on you about something really important? That's what talking to Kurai can feel like.

I wish I was a cat.

"Bored?" Aki asks; Kurai nods once, a brisk, curt thing and he smiles sympathetically. "Yeah, I'm bored too." "You're always bored," I say, more to myself than to Aki. I'm not looking at him, I'm regarding my fingernails again, looking ever so carefully. They're varnished. I like petrol blue varnish. I like blue; it's a nice color, not as nice as black but nicer than red. I look stupid in red, Kurai doesn't, and Aki of course looks good in almost any color. My hair's blue, well it starts off blue and fades to purple. I have dark purple varnish on my toenails though you can't see it. I had to clear my nail varnish with our stylist first. I preferred it in the Indies when I had more say in my make-up, but I like my hair better now. I couldn't do this kind of dye myself.

Speaking of drinks I wonder if there's anywhere round here I can buy soda? I want the bottle more than the soda itself. I want to upend it when it's empty and listen to the little marble rattle. I want to drive Hana bats, I know he likes playing with the bottles too, then give him the bottle when he threatens to break my neck if I don't stop fiddling. I want to make someone really mad at me over something stupidly trivial. I want a reaction. It's funny, Hana doesn't even like soda, but he loves the bottles. In a quiet kind of way he may even collect them. Well, I guess we all have weird habits, idiosyncrasies, that kind of thing. It's a human thing to have, I guess. After all, I like rain and thunder storms and walking in them until I get soaked. Aki says I'm crazy for liking that. Maybe he's right and I am crazy. Maybe I'm sane and the world's the crazy one. Maybe both at once. Who knows?

"I'm so not." I look up; Aki's giving me a funny look and for an instant I wonder what he's talking about. Oh, that's right, I accused him of getting bored all the time, didn't I? Or something. "You are too." I reply. "You can't even watch a half hour TV show without getting bored unless it's got giant robots or explosions or both." I must sound pissy because Hana rolls his eyes and says "Gods, they're having a domestic, somebody stop them." Aki laughs, I don't because it's not really that funny but then Aki can see the funny side of almost everything. I almost envy him that. I go back to examining my hands. I wonder if I need a manicure. I decide I don't want one anyway. "You're not supposed to laugh." Hana says. That just makes Aki laugh more. "Lighten up, Soujirou," he suggests, poking Hana in the shoulder. Today Aki has painted his own nails lime green. Logic says it shouldn't work, but on him it does, but our stylists would kill him if they knew, his current costume's done in shades of silver, purple and black. "You're just pissy because you can't sue that doujinshi circle."

Hana gives Aki a look which as much as screams 'shut the hell up'. If I know Aki he'll ignore it. Kurai looks at Kimi and frowns; we've all lost track of the number of times we've had to stop those two from coming to blows. People say that about our group; we're either sleeping together or at one another's throats. That's not true, of course, but it often looks like it is. After all, Hana's got a short temper in comparison with the rest of us - even Kurai's less likely to get annoyed than Hana is - and Aki's a terrible tease. I sometimes think it'll be an argument between those two that will split us all up; other times I suspect that the thing that will do it is Aki and I drifting apart, but that's normally just after we've had a bad argument and I'm sitting alone and trying very hard not to cry. Ether way it's probably going to have something to do with Aki. He normally teases me too, but maybe I'm being even less responsive than usual today. I'm the shy, quiet one, in case it wasn't obvious. Or maybe teasing Hana's more fun.

Now Hana and Aki are arguing again and I don't want to get involved. Nor do Kurai and Kimi; Kimi has moved over to Kurai and the pair of them are quietly talking business. Kurai has his notebook out and is scribbling something down, Kimi says something and he tries to turn back a couple of pages, creasing the pages slightly. He curses under his breath, licks one finger in an attempt to get a better grip on the pages and I'm surprised at how pale the inside of his mouth is. For a change I don't notice his teeth; for a moment I imagine that he is only human after all.

Turning round in my seat and kneeling, I look out of the steamed-up window and ignore them.

It's raining now, heavily, and I long to go out in it but Seiko will kill me if I get soaked now with so much of the day left to go. Well, she'd probably not kill me, she'd just give me one of her funny looks and that to me is almost as bad; I like Seiko and want her to think well of me. So I won't. I consider wiping the glass clean with the flat of my hand, change my mind and write my name instead. Not may stage name, my real name, the name nobody ever uses except Mitsuko of course, and Aki when he's being serious. I have trouble with the first kanji. It's insanely complex whilst the second is stupidly simple. Then I try it again in romanji and my childish capitals make me giggle. That done, I peer through the fogged glass that makes the world look like a Renoir, if Renoir had wanted to paint Tokyo streets rather than lily ponds…

The door opens and I turn round again; Kurai's eyes flicker sideways only momentarily and Hana doesn't even look up. But I must have looked startled because Seiko laughs slightly and tells me to calm down. That's the fifth time today I've been told to calm down. Or is it the sixth? I lose count. One of these days I'll count how many times I'm told to relax, calm down and everything and then I'll try and stop doing it because I know in advance that it's going to be way too many. Even total strangers tell me not to worry and that I shouldn't be so nervous but I can't help it. I am nervous, all the time I'm nervous and I don't like it either. I cling to that. I don't like it either. _____

Now I am watching.

Another room, another sofa. I have my arms wrapped round my knees again and it doesn't feel like a lot has changed, except for the room of course… my arms hurt, just a little but they hurt, and now I have a drink. Fruit juice. It's not soda, but it's okay I suppose. I have drunk less than half the can but I'm not thirsty any more, not for now anyway.

Hana says, "I don't know how you manage it." He's talking to me, I realize after a while, and I blink. "Manage what?" "That thing." Oh. The bass. I wonder why he's mentioning that now then I notice it's been moved slightly and I realize a little belatedly what he's been doing. Comparing the weight with his own guitar again I guess. He's always surprised. So am I, when I carry out the same test in reverse. The difference isn't all that great, I suppose, but I guess Hana's thinking of how that would translate in terms of holding it for an hour or more. "It's not that heavy." I say. Aki looks up. "You should feel sorry for me." He's not angling for sympathy, at least I don't think he is. I'm pretty sure that all he's doing is stating a bald fact, either that or he's pointing out to Hana in a rather subtle way that both he and I have more stamina than Hana himself. Be fair, he does. I wouldn't put that past Aki. He and Hana have what can only be described as a love-hate relationship…

Kimi looks sharply at all three of us and tells us to quiet down. I murmur an apology and even Hana looks a little abashed. Aki gestures toward my fruit juice and looks at me, are you still drinking that? I nod and he backs off, smiling and handing me the can. Although I'm still not that thirsty I sip it anyway. It helps to have something to do with my hands and seeing as I said I was drinking it… I don't want Aki to feel hard done by. And then I watch again.

Kurai is holding the headphones loosely in one hand, standing at the studio door and talking to Kimi again about who knows what. Kimi looks frustrated - so does Kurai, actually - and I can't blame them, we're not making good time today. Fortunately we're a little ahead at the moment so that doesn't matter as much as it could, still it's trying to make such slow going over what's really quite a simple take. Seiko walks over to them and tries to work out what the problem is and I look up again. I'm wondering as I always do if there's anything I can do to help and hoping the delay's not happening because of anything I did or if I screwed up somewhere…

Seiko shrugs and walks back over to us and sits down on the sofa next to me, but she doesn't say anything, which probably means it's none of our business or not that big a problem anyway, so I don't say a word and hope Aki has the sense to do the same. Thankfully he seems to be baiting Hana again so he doesn't notice. I offer Seiko the fruit juice and she takes the can absentmindedly seemingly without having any idea what it is. Kurai closes the studio door and puts the headphones back on again, trying to get them to fit comfortably over his head, one hand resting on the earpieces long after he's got it settled. I notice him tapping one finger on the leg of his pants; he's either marking time or waiting for Kimi to get started. Kurai's wearing leather again, he loves the stuff although he's almost as interested in vinyl or PVC. Or brocade, or silk, or velvet… anything, so long as it's interesting. He likes certain materials simply because of the feel, and the way he looks in them, and the way people look at him. I sometimes think he looks like… no I don't. I like Kurai and I don't think that at all. Someone else does.

… One of his boyfriends, so-called, once got into a row with him in public. I think the exact phrase was 'cold-hearted bitch'. I can't remember exactly. I just remember Kurai's reply was 'took you long enough to catch on'. But I don't think that at all, I just think that, well, he looks a bit like one sometimes. I like Kurai. He just scares me a bit.

My dream is dead.

I think that's what he's singing now. The things he comes up with always surprise me when I hear them first. He could take a romantic slow dance tune and tie it to sex and death and perversion and faux Weimar decadence. He has done. Even if he did write about less… interesting things, I think it would still sound as if he meant something quite other to what he was saying. It goes with his looks, you expect him to be perverse and wanton even when he's not. He's… extreme, that's the word. Kurai's all sharp edges, there's nothing remotely soothing about him, he has a voice like broken glass. He's not at all comforting to be round but I like him for all of that. I just wish I knew why I did. I'd like to be able to rationalize it but I can't, I suppose it's hard to rationalize feelings like that.

I wonder where the lyrics come from, if that's really what he's like inside. It must be a frightening way to be, but he doesn't seem to mind that much. Maybe I should stop thinking about this.

Seiko hands me back the juice and I take another sip then hold the can to my ear and shake it and listen to the juice slosh round inside it. Aki is looking at me almost pleadingly and I smile and hand him the can. I don't want any more anyway but I can't believe that man, I offered to get him a drink too but he said he didn't want one… it's typical of him though. In the studio Kurai shrieks as if he's being murdered but it's wasted on us, it's strictly for show. Aki raises one eyebrow and looks at Seiko and me and I shrug slightly. She barely moves. We're both more than used to it, after all it's just Kurai.

Reflection of impossible desire…

He doesn't really know what he's singing. Kurai's English is very poor and his accent pronounced, he only had a couple of years of English classes before he dropped out of school. Kimi checks his English when he uses it in songs and sometimes explains to him what it actually means. Kimi's isn't much better at English, none of us are very good at it. Kimi has a dictionary in which Kurai looks up strange words. He found 'oblivion' in there last time and he liked it, he liked the meaning too but he's forgotten what it means now. Now Kurai just thinks the word sounds cool. Once we used the phrase 'ever always into FAKE' in a song, and even I know enough to know that means nothing at all… Gods save us, I think, from the whims of vocalists, then I giggle and Seiko looks at me quizzically. I shake my head and smile vaguely, honestly Seiko it's nothing at all.

Kurai stands still and straight now, quiet, hands resting on his hips. Kimi nods once and he takes the headphones off and shakes his head; it's that impossible hair of his, it must have been trapped. He has it bad, not as bad as Hana admittedly, and it's because he has such a lot of hair. Aki's sat on it more than once. Every time that happens I worry that Kurai's going to kill him.

"Done?" Hana asks when Kurai pushes the door open again. "Kind of," Kurai says noncommittally. I know what he means, there's still a lot to be done, it's only a rough take to begin with, the whole thing sounds rather patchy in places, he and Kimi still aren't sure if bits of the second verse shouldn't perhaps be re-rewritten (now that I think about it, that's probably what they were discussing a few minutes back)… but I know what Hana means as well, Hana means he wants to have a break, Hana means can we stop for lunch now? Kimi still hasn't moved from the mixing board; his fingers rest on a bank of switches and a frown plays on his features. Something's troubling him… is he thinking about the song? "I'm starving." Aki says suddenly. "And--" Seiko gets there first. "Bored." She says, giving him a waspish smile. Aki has the grace to look a little uncomfortable, after all none of us like to be seen as predictable, though most of us normally are and being round a horribly unpredictable person can sometimes be rather a strain. We all know how that feels. After all, Hana… but that's not a nice thing for me to think about someone I like either, so I push the thought away.

Kurai steals my juice can from Aki. _____

There's a man on the television saying something in Osaka-ben. He's a police chief, I think, talking about this and that bad case they've got down there that has the nation up in arms. It's a news bulletin. The only people here who seem even half-aware of the television are Kurai and me, Kurai because he's mildly curious about what the police chief is saying, though he normally doesn't find true crime anything near as interesting as the Gothic horror novels he likes to read or the contents of his head and just feels safer with his own imagination, and me because the man on the television is from Osaka.

I hate his accent. It grates, it irritates me, it leaves me feeling mixed-up inside, angry and scared at the same time as if he's saying something very different to me than he is to Kurai and to everyone else who's watching this bulletin. What he's saying to me is… I don't want to go into it. It's just because he's from Osaka and that accent makes me uncomfortable; more than that. It makes me want to flinch. I put my hands over my ears, trying to camouflage it as if I'm just resting my head in my hands, but it doesn't blot him out. He's talking too loudly and the sound keeps intruding even though I'm doing my best not to listen to him, to concentrate on the story Hana's telling about the accident he had when he let one of his ex-girlfriends drive his new car, I've heard it before but at least Hana's from Kansai. The man's accent is insistent and it's trickling into my brain even though I've blocked my ears to it…

Shut up, I think. Isn't it time to go back to the newscasters yet? Shut up, shut up, shut up. I don't realize I've spoken out loud until Aki and Kurai both turn and look at me, their very different faces now identical twins for surprise and bewilderment. "Hey, what's the matter?" Kurai asks. He sounds concerned and I don't expect it from him - no, I'm disparaging him. At the very least he's protective of me… they all are. I'm older than Kurai but he looks at me the same way he does at Yuki. He's maybe even a little more protective of me than he is of his sister. That's because Yuki isn't crazy. Yuki's never gone missing for days and turned up in hospital half-dead. Yuki's never threatened to throw herself off a building and had to be talked down by the police. Yuki doesn't need to see an analyst just to keep functioning or take pills so she can sleep without having nightmares. I'm far more of a problem than Yuki could ever be. Hana is blinking. "Yeah, I didn't think my story was that bad…" Aki gets it first, but of course he does, he knows me far too well to have to wonder what the matter is. He gives Hana an aggrieved look as he gets to his feet - have a sense of occasion, Hana, he's as good as saying - then wordlessly walks over and turns off the television. He doesn't say anything even as he sits back down next to me and puts his arm round my shoulders. I feel pathetic and I blush and murmur an apology to the others even as I sense myself relaxing. "You must think I'm hopeless."

I'm twenty and four years is too long to be held hostage by one event… but I can't let go and I only wish I could.

"No." Kurai says simply, effectively closing the subject. He's absently digging at his lunch with a disposable wooden chopstick, as usual he's eaten no more than half of it and he seems totally uninterested in the rest. It might as well be wood shavings, it's that unappetizing to him now. He eats so little I always wonder he doesn't collapse; he's very active after all. Aki is watching him intently, I'm sure he's after Kurai's leftovers again, he always is, and probably he's wondering if Kurai's going to offer them to him or if he needs to ask today.

I blush again and close my eyes and try not to think. I sometimes forget they were all there too, that it was almost as bad for them. I know one time Kurai cried, standing in the corridor when he thought nobody else was watching; he forgot I was awake at the time but as far as I'm aware nobody else knows. I've never mentioned that I know because it would embarrass him. It's the only time he's done any more than hint at the fact that he can cry in front of us.

Aki doesn't like my silence so he starts trying to steal my lunch, probably after a reaction. I don't like to disappoint him, so I gently tap his hand and tell him to back off. I'm still hungry, even if I'm almost as bad as Kurai when it comes to food. But then again, I'm not very tall. "You've had enough anyway." "Aww." Hana says, batting his eyelashes. "How cute. He's babying you." In response Aki balls up a paper napkin and throws it at Hana, scoring 50 points when it hits him on the head; he looks at me and grins like the idiot I often suspect he secretly is. The whole thing is made that bit more embarrassing by the fact that I *was* babying Aki. As ever, Kurai pushes his half-eaten food across the table to Aki whilst looking at Hana as if he's daring him to retaliate; the closest he ever comes to taking sides in their all-too-frequent confrontations. "You can finish this if you want. I'm not hungry any more." "Do you actually eat?" Aki asks curiously. "If I ate as little as you I'd die of starvation." He's already started on Kurai's half-finished food and I can't help but giggle. Aki has no idea how funny he can be sometimes, or maybe he does, I don't know. "Of course." Kurai replies levelly. "You just saw me do it, didn't you?"

He digs in a pocket of his bag for his cigarettes and lights one then looks at us challengingly; if any of us tells him to put it out he's going to get annoyed. None of us would, we're all used to it by now and every single one of us smokes. I want a cigarette too and I wonder if I should beg one off Kurai. He's currently sticking the pack in Kimi's face and trying to get him to take one. Kurai honestly has no idea what effect he has on Kimi a lot of the time. I know Kimi *likes* him and I can't help but feel bad because Kurai doesn't seem to have a clue about it. Kurai's very good at picking up when someone wants to have sex with him but seems to be totally oblivious when someone's after a more lasting form of affection. I have to feel sorry for Kimi. Funny, really. Kimi definitely feels sorry for me…

I sometimes realize that I'm lucky. Of course I am. I'm still not used to the fact that I'm an object of envy to some, a role model, someone to emulate, an example of someone who's got it made. But it doesn't feel like that at all. I don't think any of us here can look in the mirror at night and think 'yes, I've got it made'. I know it sounds shallow and selfish to say it when - though it's hard to fathom - so many people would probably kill to get where I am right now, when it seems like whining to think the things I sometimes think, but… I don't think we're much happier or more fulfilled than anyone else out there. We've all got our problems, our fears, our human forms. Maybe we worry about different things but that doesn't mean we don't worry. We can't make ourselves happy any more than anyone else out there can. I just guess we can distract ourselves more easily. We can afford to take advantage of some of the distractions that other people dream about but just being able to, having the time and the money to do it, doesn't make us any happier.

It's not right to assume that a successful man is somehow less human…

Take Hana. Hana can… does… (did? He's calmed down a little bit lately and I think I know why that might be if I'm not being a silly idealistic little idiot again; I'm quite horribly romantic in my own way) a lot of the daft stuff that people always think they'll do if they make it, the drink-gamble-get laid thing. The taking advantage of where you are kind of thing. He probably thinks it made him happy. I think, though I haven't told him I think this, that it distracted him from the things that make him sad, which isn't the same thing at all. I sometimes think that's what I have with Aki. In and of himself he doesn't always make me happy but he stops me from being sad and I think that's almost more important. I'd rather be not-sad than I would be happy. I suspect that if I was happy, really happy all of the time, then I'd stop being able to create things. I also think I'd stop being me. I think I'd rather be me.

That does sound crazy, doesn't it? Saying you'd rather be yourself and miserable than someone else and happy. Maybe that's because I am as crazy as everyone else seems to think I am, but I also think that everyone I know's just as crazy in their own way.

Kurai taps me on the shoulder and I start again; nobody laughs this time although Kurai is smiling. It's so disquieting, that smile; I almost wish he didn't smile at all. He has the kind of idealized face that's made to be observed in repose, like he was a painting or a sculpture in cool white marble or something. Emotions there just seem kind of wrong; you don't expect a statue to turn round and grin at you or play absently with it's hair or yawn, but Kurai does and it's always a bit weird when it happens; he's more like a beautiful automata than a human. Oh, he's always stunning… but when he's sitting and doing nothing he looks angelic and all the rest of the time demoniac. It's easy to forget, when you see him sitting still or in a photograph, that he can actually move and talk.

"Oi. Earth to Murasake. I said do you want a cigarette." "Oh." I blush again. "Yes." He holds out the pack, I pick one, a little nervously. I feel a little like a child being offered candy by a stranger, as if it were somehow foolish of me to have accepted. Maybe it's just because of the way I'm thinking right now. I'm not all here today. When we've finished work I think I'll just go home and sleep. It's one of my bad days, I can tell. Not bad because of anything that's happened but bad because I'm a psychic mess right now… I wish I hadn't cancelled my last two appointments with my therapist. I'm going to have to see him this time or this will only get worse. Or see someone, anyway. Or just take some time out and spend it doing nothing. Either way, I have to calm down. I have to stop thinking like this. "Thank you." I say, and Kurai raises one eyebrow. "It's just a cigarette, kid," he says. He calls me kid; I suddenly remember he's younger than me. He hands me his lighter; Aki reaches over and steals one of Kurai's cigarettes without waiting to be asked whilst he's distracted and Kurai hits him lightly over the head. "I'm evil," Aki says, and lights it, "taking advantage of your good nature like this." Kurai frowns. "And you're expecting me to be surprised that you admitted it because?" "Well, touché." Aki replies, narrowing his eyes and gazing coolly at Kurai before turning and sticking his tongue out at Hana. He borrowed that expression from him. Kurai laughs. "Don't offer it unless you intend to use it." "With Hana?" Aki looks shocked. "Couldn't I just kill myself instead?" _____

It's still raining; it's not been a nice day by any standards, by any of my standards. Although I like the rain far more than most people I just haven't been in the mood to appreciate it. I don't feel like we've made any real progress with the song - Kurai's decided we are going to redo verse 2 after all so that means this morning's take was a bit of a waste of time. He's already got something he likes better but it's too late for another shot now; besides, the little studio we were using this morning isn't free anyway. There are three young girls of barely high-school age, which is fairly typical of pop idoru, in there now singing about love and happiness and peace. I don't believe in it, any of it. I don't believe in the kind of love they sing about, all cozy and comfortable with promises of kisses under the stars, engagement rings, wedding dresses and babies. I don't recognize the way Aki makes me feel in it. Love shouldn't be cozy and comfortable. It's not a comfortable emotion.

I feel… strange today. Not happy or angry, just strange and slightly sad. It's been one of my bad days. I want to go home and draw the curtains; I want to sleep and hope for better things of tomorrow. I just want security and familiarity and not-sadness. And Aki, of course. As long as he doesn't go anywhere I might be all right, I might be able to hang on a little bit longer. That's how I feel now. I can't explain it, the worst thing that happened to me was the man on the television being from Osaka but I'm crazy. It doesn't take much to set me off remembering again and when that happens it leaves me… like this. Like I am now. I feel like I'm fundamentally broken, somehow.

My mind's the problem. I broke it, had it broken, and I didn't stick it back together right; I'm not capable of that. It's not easy to repair something properly when half the pieces have gone missing so I fouled up. The end result is, I'm crazy. Totally crazy. I sometimes wonder, when I'm feeling like this, what would happen to me if I lost this. I don't have much of a support network; my bandmates, Aki, Mitsuko and that's about it… there are a couple of others I kind of hope could count, but I don't want to just assume… I haven't known any of them that long after all. I can't trust them and I can't assume they like me.

We're alone right now. Hana's calling a girl friend and Kimi and Kurai are in the corridors talking about the song again. It's Kimi's song after all. I wouldn't normally do it outside of our apartment and definitely not if I wasn't sure we were alone, but I rest my head on Aki's shoulder and close my eyes; I feel him move slightly and put his arm round me again; I know he's looking down at me. He calls me by my full name. "Are you all right?" "Fine." I wonder if I should have spoken a little louder. Maybe Aki didn't hear me. I don't open my eyes. "Just kind of tired." He shifts again and sighs. I think he shakes his head too, it's something he normally does when he's thinking or conceding a point - both things which happen more often than many would think. Most people just don't know Aki the way that I do though, he's nowhere near as easy to read as everyone assumes. "Yeah. I know the feeling. Today was pretty crappy, wasn't it?" "Mm… don't swear, Toshi." It shows that we're alone, that I'm no more than half awake. I almost never use his real name. I'd like to fall asleep here and would but we're still at work and I haven't catnapped for years, even a small amount of sleep makes me dream if I don't take my pills first. "Maybe we should cut out on this meal thing." Aki's thinking aloud. "We'd better not." I hear myself saying. "I don't want to cook tonight." A small pause; he's thinking again. When he speaks his voice is casual. "Could get a take-away or something." "This'll be simpler. Just carry me home if I fall asleep and don't let me drink or I'll be useless in five minutes." I hear myself laugh softly; Aki just has that effect on me. He makes me so much more than un-sad; I should never put him down that way again. "You think I'm ever going to let you get hammered after last weekend?" he asks. There is an obvious smile in his voice. "You made me promise never to let you drink again." "What happened last weekend? You won't tell me…" He pokes me in the shoulder. "See? You can't even remember, you were that drunk."

He's good at this, distracting, lightening the mood, taking me out of myself. Funny the easy way he makes a silly, trivial conversation feel so intimate, maybe because he knows I don't react like this often. Aki seems incapable of seeing the dark side of things, in many ways he's my opposite. We shouldn't work together but somehow we do. I don't know where I'd be if I lost him. I open my eyes and look up at him and he says my name again, my full, my proper name, the name that normally sounds all wrong in relation to myself. I wonder what would happen if I kissed him but I don't dare to try. Kimi or Hana could walk in at any moment and whilst I never mind them seeing Aki embrace me (although I used to, I remember) kisses just seem too… too personal.

Somehow he's picked up on what I'm thinking; he kisses me instead.

Of course, life being what it is Kimi walked in bare moments afterwards and pretends he didn't see a thing. We're going, he says. A few minutes find us outside on the streets and the child in me makes me stick my hand out from under my umbrella and catch raindrops on my palm, enjoying the feel of the water falling onto my bare palm. I love being out in this kind of weather. We're waiting for Hana again; he's still on the phone to a girl, a woman, maybe even the girl I'm hoping he's calling, the girl I'd like to say is my best friend but don't want to make that presumption.

Kurai looks impatiently at his watch then flips his hair behind his shoulder, a gesture we've seen repeated so many times it no longer even strikes us as narcissistic. It's just a character trait, albeit not a totally agreeable one. But Kurai would hardly seem so feline if he wasn't narcissistic to an extent, even if he is almost totally unaware of it. One of Kurai's quirks is he doesn't see himself as at all attractive, probably due to the fact that… I've seen photos, he was like it to an extent when we met although by then it was obvious it was just a phase he was going through, a phase that had nearly ended. Still, he was a very strange-looking child. He never looked ordinary, but he wasn't beautiful by anyone's standards. I can't help but notice the unusually rapt expression on Kimi's face and I wonder what he's thinking. No, I know what he's thinking. Typically, Kurai doesn't notice a thing; he's looking towards the doors of the building and waiting for Hana. But there's no hurry, he'll arrive soon enough. He's never normally more than a few minutes late, though often enough a few minutes is all we've needed to mess us up completely. No wonder Seiko says he's giving her gray hairs.

Aki leans over to me. "Are you sure you feel up to this?" "Don't worry about me." I reply, keeping my voice down. "I'll be fine. I'm not ill or anything, just a bit tired. It doesn't matter really." "We could go home…" "Aki." I say. "Don't worry. I feel absolutely okay." This is a lie, but only a minor one. I don't feel that bad, actually, and whatever happens I'm sure I'll be able to cope. I've been coping for four years.

Even if I am fundamentally broken, and crazy with it.

~owari~

Part 2