'You like him too much...you're getting too close. Remember last time!' I shook off the thoughts, though I knew they were true. Ever since that year long ago I had not allowed myself to use the word love in connection with a crush, and this decision was even more enforced the year after that conclusion. But I suppose I'm getting ahead...well really behind myself so I will begin from the beginning. The year of my seventh grade....

That year I had quite a few boring classes, one of which, to me at least, was band. But thankfully, the dullness was bighted when my friend, Dai, was in there with me and since we hadn't seen each other in quite sometime, it was a great class. So, Dai and I got reacquainted and we talked everyday, and then one day, she asked me who I liked. Well, I don't readily give out this information, so I left her hanging for a few days and then I finally told her. I had liked him since fifth, and I was shocked to learn that Dai had a couple of classes with him. Naturally, she turned into quite the nice spy for me. Now let me tell you something to clear things up, I hadn't really talked to him at all in the times I had known him. So, me being the stupid git that I am, I decided in approximately the middle of the year, to give Dai a letter to him from me. It was a song that told him in not so simple of words, that I liked him. And after a few days, Dai told me that he didn't believe it was from me. This led to her trying to convince him, me never talking to him, and finally him saying he wasn't going to go out with. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. I had foolishly believed d I had loved him; I scoff at the thought now. So, this denial led to a few bitter words on my end, and I began to dislike the boy for quite some time.

Then, eighth grade came. That year was a definite dozy. Well, to put it simply, I got my first boyfriend; he was a year younger...bad mistake. Now I know not all younger guys are immature selfish gits who only think of themselves..but he was one of them. Well, maybe it's best if I start with the beginning. That year, we were holding a play and I auditioned as did he. I didn't really think much of him at the time; you know a year younger quite efficiently cracked if you get my meaning. Well, then about halfway into the play, I suddenly liked him. I now realize it must have been hormones of something...maybe I was drunk for a prolonged period of time. But, what was different about this guy I actually talked to. A big feat for me, I suppose. So we got to know each other and during this time he flirted like crazy to everyone! Even if he had a girlfriend, whom later dumped him, and then not a day later he got a new girlfriend who also later dumped him. Now, I realized that he was one of those people who only wanted to be in a relationship, not really caring with whom or for how long. So, after the second girl dumped him, he asked me out. I, being the stupid git again, said yes and we were going out. That was probably one of the worse memories in my life. I'm not even going to put it into detail...it's just, wrong. But after about two weeks and my realizing the entire time that I meant nothing to him, especially since the day after we went out he kept telling me he loved me! This, was a dreaded time for me since I had sworn off that emotion, but I had no choice but to reply with it, shuddering inside. Back to after two weeks, well after that time I asked a friend to get him to break up with me, so I'm a coward I admit it. Thankfully, he didn't realize that her prodding was intentional and I was free of my bonds. And it felt great. So great.

You would expect me to skip to present day now wouldn't you? Well, sorry for the disappointment, but that is not the case. During my time of 'bondage' it slowly dawned on me that someone in my own grade was rather attractive and was a nice person to boot. But sadly, he was one of those popular guys, a jock. So, essentially, I had no chance since I was part of that 'middle' class in the school caste. But, after my 'liberation' I tried to talk to him...er...correction he tried to talk to me, but I was slightly stunned whenever he did this, thinking what? Why is he talking to me?? Oh my, he's talking to me!!! So nothing was accomplished that way now was it? Then, on then very last day I wrote a note this time that told him I liked him..you would have thought I had learned, wouldn't you? Well, nope, didn't happen. I mistakenly believed him to be a bus rider and was thoroughly surprised when it turned out he was not. So, I quickly avoided him and nothing came about with that confession. Crushed yet again, I moved on.

So, this brings me to present day. What a hectic time this has been. Once again, to the beginning I go.

In Ninth grade, I had Art class, by far my favorite class out of them all. In it there was this guy that reminded me disturbingly of Tobias from K.A. Applegate's Animorphs so I mentally referred to him as Tobias. In my Art class, my 'long lost friend' Amy, who I hadn't spoken to in a very long time indeed, knew Tobias and his best friend. But, I didn't learn this until later. What happened before this knowledge was that it became present to me that Tobias had taken an interest in me. One day out of the blue, he began flicking rubber bands at me claiming he was missing his friend, two chairs down, when he was aiming straight at me. I stole his rubber band and he called me an ass, I said thanks, and the day went on. After a few days, a field trip arouse with my Physical Science class with Cay and he just so happened to be in the other Physical Science class that came with us. This resulted in a few exchanged comments and slight flirting, nothing much, but I revealed in it. Later, when Amy was moved beside me in Art I learned the afore mentioned information and also that Tobias and his friend were in Tenth, no I had had my suspicions, but they were now confirmed. So, after a few days and a few more flirty moments, I learned that I was to be switching schools, defiantly. So, I asked 'friend' to tell Tobias that I liked him. He replied he already new, that my friend Jenni had told him about a week prior....quite shaken, I confronted Jenni the next class and asked why she hadn't told me that she had told him my secret. She didn't exactly give me a straight answer, but it was enough and I believe her, though still thoroughly shaken. Then it came to be that I was not moving, I was to stay till at least the end of the semester.

One day not long after the confession when Amy was absent, Tobias asked if he could sit in her seat. The wish was granted. Once again, needless to say, I was a happy camper. So, after the initial shock of him sitting there, we talked and I learned quite a lot from him. Though out discussions were often interrupted by the teacher's complaint of being too loud, I slowly learned about my 'hawk'. And I realized that he was the only guy I have ever liked that I've been able to talk to. The only one. In the weeks following I learned that he was most likely going to be moving after the semester, and would only be able to stay if he moved in with his sister. Deeply saddened, I took this in stride, and continued our friendship.

Then...then the last week of the semester came. The Seventeenth came...I had, of course, bought gifts for everyone. Everyone including Tobias and his friend, whom I had also befriended. Well, I gave him the gift and he looked at me like I was slightly mental or something, I'm not quite sure how that look could be described. Then, the teacher sent him and his friend out with a few others for talking, which Tobias had not been doing. Knowing I may never see my 'hawk' again, since I would not be at school on the Eighteenth and the Nineteenth was exams and I had practically no chance of seeing him, I wrote a note. And this time I didn't say I liked him, though he already knew so it doesn't quite count is besides the point. All it pretty much contained was my e-mail address so that we could talk if he were to move and I never to see him again. Trusting my friend Kris with the note, I gave it to her the Seventeenth, hoping she would remember to give it to him the next day. But it seems that the 'Powers that Be' had different idea, and she forgot. So, this led to the Nineteenth. On that day, I did actually run into him, but not for long enough to speak, though he did throw a meaningful glance to me, that was all. And Kris was once again not able to give him the note. So, the Twentieth came...and I am waiting. Waiting for Kris to call and tell me what happened, waiting to see if Tobias uses the information he will receive. Waiting for so many things. And all I can here in my head is 'You like him too much....you're getting too close. Remember last time! You were screwed over royally, you don't want that to happen this time do you?' And then I think 'But this time is different, he knows me and I know him. So what if I like him too much, it will make it all the sweeter if we continue our friendship. But...it will also make it such a hard fall if he refuses'. And all these thoughts ramble about my head while Moulin Rouge music plays, fitting my mood to a tee. I truly don't know what to do, and I'm scared. Truly, deeply scared.