Part 1

‘There has to be a way out of this’, I thought, ‘there just has to be!’ I was so sick and tired of going to the movies every Friday with Ally, my girlfriend, and never even getting to watch the damn thing. I’d pay fifty bucks all so she could eat candy and trap me in make-out after make-out attack. It was ridiculous.
But there I was, driving to her house. Just like every Friday. I don’t even know why I was going out with her. I couldn’t stand her. Frankly, I couldn’t stand being around any-. “Shut up.” I spoke out loud, not wanting to complete the thought. “You’re normal. There’s nothing wrong with you. Just shut up.” I spoke a little louder.
I had been battling with the fear that I could be gay for the past year. There was just no way, I always told myself. I turned the car into the driveway at 1545 Wicker Avenue. I stopped the car and climbed out, dreading the evening as I trudged up to the door. I pushed the doorbell and waited for one of Ally’s parents to appear.
As the door opened I stood jarred. The man standing in the doorway was not Ally’s father. He was a god. “I. I.” I stammered my voice faltering. “Yeah?” He asked, a grin on his face. “I think I have the wrong house.” I spoke frantically, appalled at how quickly he stirred feelings of arousal in me. I began to walk away, but he called out, “James?” I turned around and stared at him. “I’m Ally’s brother. She’s still getting ready and the ‘rents are out on the town.” He explained.
He motioned for me to follow into the house. Once inside, he collapsed on the couch and turned on the television. I carefully say down in the chair farthest from him and scrutinized him. He had wavy, brown hair, long legs, and muscles to die for. I couldn’t see his eyes though. For some reason that thought was nagging me in the back of my brain.
“So, James, what do you do for fun?” He suddenly asked. “I, um, mostly just hang around with your sister.” I responded. “That sucks. Don’t you ever just hang out with the guys?” He then asked. “It’s not that bad. Besides, I don’t really have anybody else to hang out with. I’m not exactly Mr. Popular.” I told him. “Could’ve fooled me.” He replied softly. I immediately looked down at the floor. What was that supposed to mean?
“Hold old are you anyway, James?” He then questioned. “I’m sixteen. How old are you?” I returned the question. “Lucky twenty-one.” He laughed, then said, “The greatest age in the world.” I couldn’t help but smile at how cute his laugh was. “Hey, I’ve got an idea. Since you don’t really hang out with anybody and all my friends moved away from this hellhole, what do you say we hang out sometime?” He asked nonchalantly. “Um, yeah, sure.” I responded, my voice sounding shrill.
“Cool. How about tomorrow night?” He suggested. “Okay.” I spoke, overwhelmed with both excitement and terror. At that moment, Ally appeared and I was filled with instant relief. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. “Thanks for letting him in, Brian.” She spoke, grinning at me. “No problem, sis. Oh, hope you don’t mind I kind of roped James into hanging out with me tomorrow night.” He replied. “No I don’t mind. But I hope you haven’t been calling him James all this time. He really hates being called James.” She laughed. “He didn’t seem to have a problem with me saying it.” He spoke in such a low whisper that Ally didn’t even hear him. But I did.
“Well, um, we should probably get going. Nice meeting you, Brian. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I spoke rapidly, feeling I would suffocate if I remained in a room with him and Ally any longer.
I grabbed Ally’s hand and yanked her out the door. Once in the car, she asked, “So, what do you think of my brother?” “Nothing. I didn’t think anything of your brother. Why would I? What would I think? What do you think I think? I didn’t think anything all right.” I rambled, then stopped as I realized how suspicious I just seemed. I quickly shut my mouth and began to stare out the windshield, just above the dashboard. “You know, you can be so weird sometimes.” Ally quietly spoke, as if she were afraid to talk louder than a whisper.
Needless to say, we ended up at the movies, and once again I didn’t get to watch one bit of it. Not that I could’ve focused on it, anyway. My mind was filled with thoughts of tomorrow night. I couldn’t figure out which emotion weighed more: excitement or dread.
Finally, the movie ended and I drove her home. I walked her to the door and stood there, telling her I had a good time. I had a fake smile on my face. “We don’t keep secrets from each other, right, Jim?” She asked unexpectedly. “No, of course not.” I responded, my voice sounding strained. “Good, because I have to tell you a secret.”
She leaned into my ear and said the words I never wanted to hear from her. “I love you.” “I love you, too.” I responded, sounding uneasy. She didn’t notice. She grabbed me and plunged her tongue into my mouth. When she broke off, I lied saying I had to be home early and if I didn’t leave now, I’d be late. She reluctantly let me go and I sprinted towards my car, slamming the door shut as I jumped in.
I slammed my foot on the accelerator and prayed I wouldn’t hit anyone. My breaths were coming in short gasps. My eyes were stinging, filling with tears. My mind was racing. I couldn’t deny it anymore, but I couldn’t accept it either. I wouldn’t accept it. It just wasn’t feasible.
I swerved violently, nearly crashing into a telephone pole. I quickly threw my foot on the brake and nearly flew out of my seat. “Fuck! Shit! Shit!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. The tears now were flowing freely. “Fucking God...” I moaned between gasps of air. I couldn’t deal with this. This was too big. I opened the glove box and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. I lit one up and inhaled, feeling the beautifully harsh pain run down my throat, into my lungs.
“Do you always do that?” My body tensed at the sound of Brian’s voice. How long had he been here? “Do what?” I asked, not facing him. “Let her make all the moves.” He explained. I didn’t answer, just inhaled and exhaled. “Are you all right?” He asked gently. “I have to go.” I spoke as I turned to get back onto the road. “James? James?!” His voice drifted as I drove farther and farther from his sight.