Part 2

I pondered over the resolution I came up with the night before as I drove to Ally’s. I was gay, but I was going to ignore it. I would never act upon it. I would never tell anyone. It would just be a dark secret harbored in the back of my mind. I could never let anyone find out.
I parked my car and walked to the door. Brian was at the door before I even rang the doorbell. “Hey. I figured we’d take my car, if that were all right with you.” He spoke. “Sure. Just let me get something from my car.” I replied, walking to get my cigarettes. When I got back, he was already in his car.
We made our way off the premises and he pulled out a joint. He lit up and inhaled deeply, holding the smoke in for awhile. Finally exhaling, he turned to me, “Want to hit this?” “Yeah, sure.” I responded, my mouth watering at the thought of having a drug in my system. A mind-altering one at that. I did the same as he did, with the exception of taking more than one hit before passing it back.
Eventually, he asked, “Do you want to put some music on? There’s a bunch of CDs I burnt in the glove box.” I opened it and began searching. I was so buzzed that I could barely read the song lists for the CDs. Finally, I just grabbed one and put it in the player and began to hit the skip button until I heard the haunting melody of a song that seemed to hit too close to home. I let my hand fall away as my head dropped down. Silent tears began to fall from my eyes.
Forcing myself to snap out of it, I asked, “You going to pass that?” “Yeah.” He responded. As we finished the joint, we rounded into an empty playground. Brian stopped the car and announced, “We’re here.” “You’re kidding, right? We drove all this way to go to a playground.” I asked, knowing he had to be joking.
“Come on. You know you want to play on the swings.” He laughed, already getting out of the car. I followed suit. I didn’t realize how high I really was until I got out of the car. I began to run after him but tripped over my own two feet. I fell to the ground with a thud and broke out in hysterics. He turned around to see what I was doing and doubled over in laughter at the sight of me. He started stumbling around, then sat on the ground, his laughter uncontrollable. We must’ve laughed for over ten minutes. Finally, he gained control and came to help me get up. Brian and I walked over to the swings and I began to push him. He went higher and higher, his hair thrashing about wildly. He jumped off the swing and began to run to his car. “Wait here.” He yelled. I obeyed. He came back quickly holding a bottle of Jack Daniels, waving it in front of my eyes.
“Gimme!” I yelled and ran towards him. He quickly moved. “So you want a drink, huh? Beg for it.” He laughed. I got down on my knees and spoke, “Oh, magnificent one. Will thou spare a lowly man a sip of thy drink?” “Well...No!” He laughed, running away. “Asshole!” I yelled, running after him.
I grabbed him around his waist and knocked him to the ground. I hurriedly pinned him down. He was laughing and I was smiling. I slowly began to lean down towards him. My mouth was an inch away from his when I jumped up and exclaimed, “I have to go.”
“James! I know what you feel.” He yelled. “You couldn’t even begin to imagine what I feel. I know...I know that you’re gay, but you still have no clue what I feel. No one does.” I said, turning to walk away. Then he stopped me, “You’re scared. You’re terrified. You hate yourself, right? You hate having to go out with a girl just to try to convince not only the world but also yourself that your straight. I know it all, James. I even know more.”
“You still don’t know how I feel.” I whispered. “Oh, I don’t, huh? Then come on, James. Tell me how you feel. Come on, tell me!” He screamed. “I wish I were fucking dead!” I yelled.
He didn’t say anything for a few minutes, just stood and stared at the ground. “Fuck you.” He spoke, bitterly. He walked towards a bench and sat facing away from me.
I saw him open the bottle of liquor and chug violently. I had really fucked up this time. I didn’t know what to do. Somehow by saying the words I did, I managed to hurt him. I glanced around the park for a few minutes, then walked over to Brian.
“I’m sorry.” I spoke. He didn’t respond, just kept drinking. Even the harsh whiskey didn’t faze his stoic expression. “Brian...” He still didn’t acknowledge me. My eyes began to sting with unshed tears. “Fuck Brian! I said I was sorry. Don’t be like this.” The tears finally fell, as he still said nothing. I sat down on the ground a few inches from the bench.
I was sobbing uncontrollably. I kept trying to fight it, but I couldn’t. The tears wouldn’t stop. The events of the past few days were flying through my mind. Before Brian came along everything was fine. I could easily pull off my front. But now, it seemed almost impossible. Everything bad that could happen happened. If he hadn’t showed up, I would be in Alley’s room right now pretending to enjoy making out with her.
“I was...fifteen when I finally admitted it to myself.” Brian’s words interrupted my reverie. I looked up to see him looking away from me in the distance. I sniffled and began to wipe at my still crying eyes, as he continued. “I...I just ...I couldn’t deal. I freaked out. I was so fucking scared.” He closed his eyes tight, threw his head back, and drank. I waited for him to continue, afraid of what he was trying to tell me.
He took a long, uneasy breath. “They found me on the bathroom floor. Pill bottles everywhere. An empty bottle of Vodka by the toilet.” He stopped again and ran his hand over his face. I could tell he was trying not to cry as he elated his past to me. I was staring at him wide-eyed in disbelief. “If it weren’t for them getting me to the hospital so soon, I would have surely been dead. They just couldn’t understand why I did it. And Alley... God, poor Alley. I’d really fucked her up. I mean, fuck, she was only ten years old.”
He was crying now, hard. “When they asked me why I did it, I told them don’t ever ask me that. I told them they would never find out. So that was is. They never asked. And we never spoke about it again. It was as if...as if it never happened. But inside we all knew it happened, and we knew we would never be able to get it out of our heads. I don’t want that to happen to you, James. Please...don’t go the same route I went. Please...” He began to beg through sobs.
I was crying harder than I ever cried in my life. He had his face buried in his hands. I quietly got up and sat next to him on the bench. We embraced and shed our tears on each other’s shoulders.