Shane, A Longitudinal Study

Part I - Dear Diary

The common housefly is small and black. I've never seen a baby housefly but I think they are hiding or something. I don't think flies live very long because chances are they are killed by flyswatters or those electric blue things. If I was a fly I wouldn't go near those blue zapper things. Flies have wings and move faster than I do but if I had wings I'd move faster than they do. Flies eat trash and poop. If I was a fly I'd stick to trash.

I don't think details should be taught to children. It only confuses matters. When I wrote that report in second grade it was my intent to fully explain the anatomy and physiology of the common housefly which I now know as genus species. But that ruins all the fun now doesn't it? The vividness of my imaginary world as a kid declined proportionally to my increase of knowledge in the real world. And now that I know about starvation and death, I mean really know about them, I'd give anything to go back. They say that knowledge is power and that power is corruption. Well if knowledge has the power to corrupt, then perhaps corruption is only the knowledge of power.

When my Bobe died it was sad. We were in Houston, Texas and it was hot and my suit was black and that was hot too. I hadn't seen my Bobe in a really long time so I kept asking Mom to open the box so I could see her one more time but she wouldn't let me see her. That's why I cried at Bobe's funeral. I guess lots of other people wanted to see her again too because they were crying. Each of the boys at the funeral took turns shoveling dirt onto the box after they put it in the ground and I thought that I might be able to sneak down and see during my turn. The shovel was heavy and made a clank sound when I dropped it. I hopped down into the hole but couldn't lift the lid. It was nailed shut.

My parents must have been so freakin' embarrassed. I mean, Christ, I dove into the grave and tried to pry open my great-aunt's coffin. I mean its kinda funny now and all. The only memory I have of Bobe is based off a painting of her that my grandma did. The painting is mostly grayscale, which, thin and lonely as it makes the painting look, must have been accurate. Even so I often smile when I see it. Happiness isn't dependent on color or laughter; its a separate though often corresponding lift of spirits. I'm glad the coffin was nailed shut. Seeing the truth would have only blurred and blemished my beautiful Bobe.

My name is Shane Colby and I live on 2242 University Lane. I have two cats named Singy and Tiger and a dog named Ralph. I don't have a TV in my room but I like playing Nintendo games like POW and Mario 3. My favorite TV show is Ren and Stimpy because Ren is very very funny. I like chicken and orange juice. My favorite color is blue and I want to be a Firefighter.

Ah, identity. The great thing about kids is that they have all the answers for a few questions while adults have few answers for all questions. I long for the days when your identity was your favorite video game. I work in an office with around two hundred others. We all wear black. From above, I swear, we could look like tiny insects crawling through a mess of cubicles and a tangle of hallways. My name is Shane Colby. The common insurance salesman is small and black.

Part II - The Love Doctor

(the final third of a telephone conversation)
-...it was nothing, really. I do love Nancy and I think I always have.
-Really?
-Really.
-Surely there have been some second thoughts...?
-Well of course I've thought about what it could have been like with Christine.
-Do you still think about her?
-Never. Seldom. Not every day! Ok...ok. So maybe the marriage was hasty.
-Stop 'N Wed is notorious for those brisk ceremonies.
-What? Las Vegas has some very nice churches thank you very much!
-Well do you love her?
-Of course!
-But do you love her love her?
-I don't know, you can't tell anyone this.
-I won't man, you can trust me.
-Whatever.
-Oh come on! You were about to say it! Just tell me.
-Swear you won't tell.
-On my few remaining years of sexual prowess, I do solemnly swear.
-Alright...I don't love Nancy and I don't think I ever did.
-Well why don't you break it off?
-You mean a divorce?
-Yeah, everybody's doing it.
-Sure I've thought about it...but what'll happen to Shane?
-Kids are practically expected to grow up in divorced families these days. Its not like you won't pay welfare checks right?
-Right.
-So what else does he need?
-Huh...I guess thats it.
-Case closed loverboy.

Part III - Weavings

My memory is my enemy. My memory is cruel. The few memories I have left are those of times when I wished I had done something differently. A man not pursued, a responsibility neglected, an argument. These things are cruel because they are my last loose ends. My family is happy and secure, I have accomplished much, I worked hard and gave it my all. But I can't remember my first job or the hours of hard work. I can remember stress but not achievment. In my hospital bed, its not the smooth parts of the blanket that trouble me. My young nephew visited me today. Stephen? Scott? What was that boys name...? Shane! That was it. Shane...poor boy.

Part IV - Christine

(the first third of a telephone conversation)
-Hello?
-The eagle is in the nest.
-Shut up Drew.
-How did you know my real name!?
-Vladimir told me? I don't know. Do we have to play this anymore?
-No not really, I'm just bored.
-It's almost nine. Shouldn't you be perusing the bars for women with low self esteem?
-I've been on a slow streak lately. Plus I'm not as lucky as you.
-Lucky as me?
-Sure. You've had your moments...well moment. What was that chick's name?
-Which one?
-The ridiculously hot one, dumbass.
-Which one?
-Get your head out of your ass so you can answer the question.
-(Laughs) Fine, fine. Christine.
-Oh God yeah. Christine.
-I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this. It was one date.
-Clayton, you didn't jack-off for three and a half weeks!
-How the fuck do you know that?
-The length of your showers, chief.
-That is sick man, have you made a study of this?
-There isn't much to study Clay. Five minutes, or seven minutes exactly.
-Can we talk about something else?
-Just tell me how the date went.

Part V - Juxtaposition

War stories are the greatest, especially when told by complete invalids like my Grandpa. So here we are at my fifteenth birthday party and I'm flirting with Kay and she's flirting back. They always flirt back. My grandpa launches into story mode.
"The Japs had us! Down to my last bullet, my last man, and my last ounce of patience I was a sitting duck!" he managed to claim.
My grandpa was down to his last tooth, his last years, and his last ounce of sanity.
"Knuckle came up to me and said 'Sarge, if we don't knock out that foxhole we're goners.' He was right. There those Japs were with their machine gun unloading at us. CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK! I'd had it. 'Up and at 'em boys!' We charged the foxhole to discover it was being manned by, get this, an old man and a teenage boy. Knuckle shot the old man and the boy started crying and screaming something that we couldn't understand. I looked at Knuckle and said 'I told you the Japs didn't have any fight left in 'em' and I shot that boy right in the head."
"Grandpa," I started, "How old do you think that boy was?"
"Oh I reckon about your age Shane my boy." he replied easing into his recliner.
It bothered me because a simple twist of fate and that could have been my life cut short.

Part VI - Reflection

(the second third of a conversation)
-It wasn't so much a date as a chance encounter.
-Well then tell me how the 'chance encounter went.'
-I will if you shut up.
-Done and done.
-Alright. Like I said, it was a chance encounter. I was finishing up a job in Chicago the final part of which involved a delivery to a certain country club. I was dressed in my monkey suit to look pre-
-You have a monkey suit?
-Its a figure of speech.
-Are we talking like monkey or gorilla.
-You aren't listening.
-You aren't answering.
-No, I don't have a monkey suit.
-But you said-
-Shut up! Christ. It's what we called our tux'es.
-Why didn't you just say so?
-I hate you.
-(laughs)
-Do you desire to hear the story?
-Deeply.
-Ok. Like I was saying I was at the country club making a delivery dressed in my tuxedo.
-Thank you.
-No problem. Ok so then I see her.
-Who?
-You know who dumbass.
-Hah. Yeah.
-So I see her all sprawled out by the pool looking gorgeous, bathing in the sun and everything. Its right out of a dream...
-You alright bud...you kinda trailed off there?
-Yeah I'm fine. Yeah. Anyway the pool happens to lie in between the clubhouse and me so I figure, since I'm already making the trip, it might as well be as enjoyable as possible right?
-Sound logic.
-Thank you. So I'm walking towards her right, and right as I get up near her she starts as if woken from a dream or something. She says to me "You look great in a tux." No 'hello', no 'you new here?'. She says I look good in a tux.
-I look twice as good as you in a tux!
-Don't tell her that.
-Wouldn't dream of it.
-Anyway I grin and I'm all "I look even better out of it."
-Nice.
-I thought so.
-What does she do?
-She grabs me by the tie and leads me off to some closet somewhere and starts peeling my suit off like I'm some sort of tropical fruit.
-I knew you were gay.
-What?
-Nothing, go on.
-So I fuck her right and she's getting all into it and whatever. But she stops for a second and just looks at me. It creeps me out. I mean, I'm not used to people just looking at me, in me, through me or whatever. And then she says, "I've never looked more beautiful than in the reflection from your eyes." And she gets up and walks away. Just like that.
-Seriously?
-I swear.
-Dude, thats the kinda thing that'll change your life. I bet you love that woman.
-No no...I mean...

Part VII - Labels

6240, 1275 Oak Creek Lane, Austin, TX 78712

Fill Date 10/07/02phone 512 - 692 - 0809

Fill # 254161 Prescriber Chuck Andrews

Nancy Colby

TAKE ONE CAPSULE BY MOUTH TWO TIMES A DAY

DO NOT EXCEDE TWO CAPSULES IN ANY 24 HOUR PERIOD
EXCEDING THE DOSAGE COULD RESULT IN SERIOUS INJURY OR DEATH

Cephatin 200MG Capsule By REALS

I can't wake up mama, she took too many.

Part VIII - Two-Faced

Dear Nancy,
I think there are some things we need to talk about but I'm not sure if seeing you would be such a good idea right now. I've been talking with Drew and a lot of things have started to make sense to me now. I don't want to bore you with the details, but there are aspects of our marriage that I no longer have the will to deal with. In any case, I'm taking some time off. I'll be in Boulder for a few weeks with Drew trying to sort things out with what I'm feeling. I'll write. - Clayton Colby

(translation)

Dear Nancy,
I've got a bunch of horrible news that I'm about to lay on you and I'm too much of a chickenshit to tell you to your face so I'm writing this overly formal letter. Drew convinced me to rekindle a relationship with a chick I met on a one-night-stand before we got married. I'm not going to tell you this because you don't deserve to know the real reason for my actions. I'm never going to see you again if I can help it. Drew and I are going to celebrate the divorce in Boulder where we'll get drunk and hopefully laid. All right! - Clayton Colby