Thought You Ought To Know

It was just like any other school day in October, uneventful, systematic, and downright boring.

We were heading for the school theatre for an assembly of some sort.  We were walking side by side surrounded by groups of students walking down the theatre steps.  Suddenly the theatre lights go out and the place becomes pitch black.  It’s impossible to even see one foot in front of you.

But then unexpectedly I feel you blindly reaching for my hand in the darkness.  I grab your hand and squeeze gently letting you know I’m here.  You squeeze my hand back in response.

My heart floods with happiness as you do this, how could something so seemingly insignificant mean so much?  Maybe it’s because you never let anyone else in.  You make-believe that you’re some cold hearted ice queen…who likes whips.  But you’re far from it, least with me.  You’re sweet, sensitive, and caring.  I would never date an ice queen. 

But just as I’m about to get lost in my musings, the theatre lights flash on.  We instantaneously both rip our hand from one another’s.  I raise my eyebrows and exhale somewhat loudly. 

Your eyes nervously and feverishly scan the sea of students checking to make sure nobody saw us.  When you have justified that no one has seen us you let out a relieved sigh, look at me and smile.

That’s how things were in public during the moment in time we dated.  We were careful to make sure no suspicions arose about us.  Whenever we snuck up to that abandoned room, we made sure nobody saw us, and while we were in there, we made sure our presence was unnoticeable.  Too bad we weren’t that careful outside of school.

Nearly everyday after school, you’d stop off at my house for about a half an hour.  We’d just talk and hold hands.  It always took like half an hour to build up to that one kiss.  We were really silly about that.  But it made the kiss that much more special, and besides it was cute.

I remember when we had our first kiss.  It was highly childish, but very hysterical. 

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I was sitting in your lap with my arms around your neck while we were on the bed.  We were just talking about random things, but then I went in to hug you and kissed you on your cheek.  What can I say; I’m more than just a little bit shy when it comes to affection and other intimate things.

A little while later, you were lying partly on top of me and we had our arms wrapped around each other, and just from your body language I could tell you wanted to kiss.  But me being the wuss that I am, said that I already made my move, and that it was your turn.  You too, are very passive when it comes to things like this, so we spent an hour just ‘arguing’ back and forth.

“Be blunt.”  I’d say.

You’d blush and say, “I can’t be blunt.”

“Be blunt.”

“You be blunt.”

“I already was.”

Throughout this whole time though, neither of us actually mentioned what we were trying to be blunt about, the kiss.

So this continued until your lips were merely centimetres away from mine.  Then you finally went in for the kiss.  It was surprisingly forceful, but I liked it.

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After that you were surprisingly affectionate with me.  You were always full of surprises.

But then we let our guard down.  You’d come over for a quick make out session, then head home with your hair messed up, clothes all wrinkled.  Needless to say it didn’t take long for your family to figure it all out.

Soon you started to become distant.  You never came by in the morning, we didn’t talk much in class, you rarely stopped off at my house after school, and most importantly, we didn’t laugh anymore. 

But it’s my fault we’re not together, or even friends anymore.  I’m the one who broke us up.  You pushed me away in the end yes, but I was pushing you away the whole time unintentionally.

Me and my damn ‘pre-emptive strikes’.  Hurt them before they can hurt you.  That was my life rule.  I broke up with you before you could break up with me.  I was trying to reduce the amount of pain I’d experience.  I’m so self-centred.  But all that did was increase my pain.  I was plagued with guilt and ‘what-ifs’. 

You meant so much to me, you were all I had and I threw you away.  I didn’t want to be the loser in the relationship, but in the end I was, because I lost you. 

I tried to be friends with you afterwards, but the awkwardness was too much for you and you left.  But I don’t blame you at all.  If anyone had treated me the way I treated you, I would’ve left a long time ago.  I caged you; I made sure you were mine and mine alone.  I didn’t let you have any space; I treated you like an animal.  I wasn’t worthy of a minute of your time, much less a year.  I just wanted to love you, I had good intentions, but I lost sight of everything somewhere along the way. 

Now everyday I see you with your group of friends, I see you laughing and just having a good time.  Everyone just adores you, and they have good reason to.  And honestly, I’m jealous.  Not of you, but of your friends.  Now they’re the ones with whom you laugh, they’re the ones who you spend Friday evenings with; they’re the ones you make up silly inside jokes with; they’re the people you care about now.

If I could do everything over again, I would’ve loved you, not caged you.  Although that wouldn’t have changed the fact that your family found out and became part of the reason of why you decided to leave in the end, at least I would’ve known I had a positive effect on your life.  Brought you some joy and happiness, not stress and responsibility. 

If you’re reading this right now, you’ll know who ‘you’ is.  Notice I did not mention your name or even mine, out of respect for you and your privacy.  I just want you to know that I’m immensely sorry for everything I did to you.  I do not expect you to come back, or even forgive me.  But I just want you to know I’m sorry.  I hope you find someone one day who will treat you right, you deserve so much better.  

Once again, my deepest apologies, and just so you know, you’re not stoic.