Chapter Twelve

Still Standing

"No," Jeremy sighed. "No, you didn't."

All three women stared at him stupidly for a long moment.

"That's right," Alex said quickly. "She didn't."

Julie remained quiet, staring at him, trying to find out what he was thinking. But he wasn't looking at her. He was looking past her, as if she did not exist for him.

"But someone did," Jeremy said stonily. He turned to the door. "And I'm going to find out who."

When he left, they all slumped with relief. "Oh, my God," Debra breathed, scrubbing her face with her hand. "Jesus, I just gained like ten years on my life."

Julie was staring at the space Jeremy had vacated as if he were still there. She was jarred out of her trance by Debra. "What were you thinking?"

She shrugged tiredly. "I don't know," she admitted. "I was just so angry." Alex opened her mouth to speak, but Julie raised a hand to stop her. "Not right now, okay, Alex? Not right now."

Alex shut her mouth, watching as Julie made her slow way to her room and shut the door softly behind her. She turned to Debra.

Years ago Debra's first instinct would have been to ask Alex what the hell she had been thinking. But now, as Alex looked at her with fear and pain and vulnerability, she knew it wasn't right. It wasn't what she should do. What would be the purpose of hurting a friend further with castigations?

"You did it for her," was all she said. "And she'll understand."

Alex shook her head. "I know I should have told her, I just." she trailed off, unable to think of anything else to say. She noticed the bag near Debra's feet, forgotten and bereft. "You leaving?"

"I don't know."

"We need you." She paused before stressing, "Both of us."

Debra nodded slowly, her face long and composed. A split second, later her face completely fell, crumbling to reveal the torn woman behind the wall of control she had carefully compiled. Lifting a hand to cover her eyes, Debra breathed in deeply, trying desperately to gain a modicum of dignity. She found she could not, her face refused to go back to a detached expression. Her nose stung and her eyes felt gritty. "I can't stay here!" she finally cried out in humiliation, covering her entire face with both of her hands.

Alex was next to her an instant, trying not to show her alarm. "Hey, hey," she soothed. "What happened?"

"I slept with him," she whispered. "And then I left him. Again."

"Why?" There was no accusation in the question, only a gentle inquiry.

Debra thought for a moment. "I don't know. It just seemed like I should, you know? No reason, no logic, just that I shouldn't be there. I shouldn't be a part of something so happy and good and-" she cut herself off, unable to talk and fight off the wave of nausea that assaulted her.

"Oh, God," she moaned quietly. "What have I done?"

"Listen to me," Alex demanded firmly. "Do you want to be with him?"

"You don't understand."

"Yes, I do, Debra," Alex interrupted, taking away Debra's hands from her face. "Now answer me."

"It's not that simple," she protested, shaking her head.

"Yes, it is." Alex smiled sadly. "That's all it really boils down to. Because sooner or later shit is going to happen and you're going to disappoint him and he's going to disappoint you. And maybe you won't love each other forever and ever. But right now, do you want to be with him? Because that's all that matters."

Debra's tear streaked face lifted to look at Alex's. She was reminded of Alex and the husband that had been torn from her much too early in life. But even that was not enough to eradicate the years of shame and pain and loneliness away.

"Maybe I don't deserve him. Or happiness."

"What is that shit?" Alex yelled. "You don't deserve it?"

"Julie didn't get it, why should I?"

"What do you have to do with that? Yes, she's your friend. She's mine, too. But her bad relationship is completely separate from you and yours."

Debra cried harder. It was so easy to forget sometimes that they did not know. That no one knew. With him gone, no one knew expect her. She alone had the burden of truth on her. "No, no, no," she chanted softly. "It's not separate at all. It's not."

Alex's brow furrowed as she looked at Debra's violently shaking body. She tried to still the unhealthy movement with a calming hand, but the other woman was trembling too hard.

"I knew!" she screamed all of a sudden and a piece of her broke off with the release of the words. "I knew what Matt was capable of. I knew and I didn't say anything!" She crumpled to the floor then, her fall so quick Alex thought she had fainted.

"What did you know?" Alex's even tone belied the pounding of her heart. She could hear it thumping in her ears and it threatened to drown out everything, even Debra's words.

"Everything," she whispered. Her eyes were huge and dark, fathomless. Alex sucked in her breath sharply when those eyes looked straight at her. She knew then that she would always remember the solemn word escaping Debra's mouth, aching and bruising and haunting. "And I still let her marry him."

"You didn't let her do anything. She made a choice, Debra. That was her right. Not yours."

"If I had told her, she wouldn't have done it."

"Told her what?"

Debra smiled mournfully. "The truth." She gasped out then, as if she were in actual physical pain. "But I couldn't do it." She clutched the sleeve of Alex's sweater tightly. "I couldn't. I couldn't admit it, couldn't face it. It hurt too much."

"What hurt too much?" Alex had a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach and some perverse part of her knew what was coming before the words actually left Debra's mouth.

"He raped me," Debra said, breathing out calmly as she stared straight ahead. "He raped me and I didn't do a goddamn thing about it."

Ton of Bricks

Alex thought she was going to be physically sick when the words she had suspected actually met her ears. Her brain registered the words, the truth. And suddenly, it all made sense. The entire mystery years ago made complete, perfect, sickeningly clear sense. Debra's abrupt exit, her abrupt break-up with Sam, her abrupt change in attitude, everything.

Her head turned and she saw Julie in the hallway, the light shining behind her, illuminating her hair into a golden halo. She was in white and the effect was startling. But what was most surreal was the expression on her face. Alex immediately knew she had heard everything. But there was no surprise registered on her beautiful face. There was only nothing.

She watched as Julie walked over to where Debra sat on the wooden floor. Debra felt her next to her and could not bring herself to look that way. Suddenly afraid of censure and judgment, she turned, giving the other woman her back. Not having it, Julie gently touched her shoulder.

"You were right," she said. "We do all have our secrets." Julie began to shake her head, prepared to say something, but Debra continued. "But this shouldn't have been one."

"It's okay, Debra." Julie removed her hand from Debra's shoulder, but moved so that she sat in front of her, forcing Debra to look at her.

"How can you say that? I ruined your life." Her eyes filled with tears of shame.

"No, I ruined my life," she corrected firmly. "No, one else. And who even says it's ruined? It's certainly not over. Don't give him power he doesn't have, Debra." Julie shook Debra's shoulders slightly. "Not over you. Not anymore. Don't let him control you like I let him."

Debra shook off Julie's touch and stared at her. "I don't think you understand-"

"No, you don't understand." Julie ducked her head to catch Debra's eyes. "I knew, Debra. All right? I knew." The words were not unkind, nor was her expression as she nodded once.

Paradise Lost

"What?" Alex whispered, from the other side of Julie.

"I knew," she repeated. "I've known for a while."

"How long?" Debra rasped out, bringing her knee to her chin as she curled her body.

"Two years."

"How?"

Julie looked pained. "Matt said something when he was drunk. And it-" she licked her lips. "It made sense, Deb. It all made sense." She wrapped her arms around Debra's shoulders. "And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Debra was silent in Julie's arms, unresponsive to the warm touch.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Julie asked gently.

Debra froze. Her spine went stiff and rigid beneath Julie's hands. "No," she said immediately, fear running ice cold in her veins. Panic seized her. "No, I can't." She shook her head frantically.

"Okay, okay," Julie mollified softly. "But, Debra, you need to tell Sam."

"What?" Debra's head jerked up. "No!" She looked between Julie and Alex for a hysterical moment. "No!"

"He needs to know," Alex added quietly.

Debra was still shaking her head rapidly, her eyes wild with terror. "You don't understand," she pleaded, suddenly sounding very young and very frightened. "I can't," she finished desperately, knowing her words were lacking and unable to find more coherent ones.

"Debra he has a right to know." Julie paused and exchanged a look with Alex. "But we can't make you do anything. It's your choice."

"You won't tell?" she asked, her voice small.

"No," Alex answered first. "Of course not."

They were all silent for a long time and suddenly it was all very awkward. Each of them felt the urge to leave and the obligation to stay. It was Debra that stood up first, unable to say any more, she turned and left them. Without Debra and the emotional upheaval that had just taken over all of them, Alex and Julie were left alone to face each other.

"I'm sorry," was all Alex could offer.

"I know," Julie said, nodding slowly. "I know. I also know that I was angry and hurt-and not just at you." She took a deep breath, fighting the whim to leave this alone, make a dramatic exit and avoid this confrontation. But she knew that would be unhealthy and that this was something she needed to do. "I felt betrayed and I took it out on you. Some of what I said." She shook her head. "It didn't make any sense. I know you would never use me as a story."

"Good."

"But you went behind my back, Alex. You kept something this big a secret and that hurts. A lot."

"I know." Alex wetted her lips and looked up from her linked hands. "But please just know that all the time I was doing it, I was trying to help you."

Julie was quiet for a moment. "I think I do," she finally replied. "Because even if I wanted to, I don't think I could make myself believe you would do it for any other reason."

Alex felt a momentary flood of fear that washed over her. Ironically enough, however, as it swept over her, she felt oddly calm. She looked at Julie carefully and the other woman returned the stare. They both felt as if they had taken steps towards something irrevocable.

Something had changed between them, something that made Alex suddenly understand the phrase 'you can never go home again'.

It meant that you could never go back to the way things were. She and Julie would never be able to go back to the relationship they had shared before-it would be different. Maybe not a bad different, maybe they could come through this stronger. Or maybe they had severed something that could never be placed together again. No matter what, one thing remained certain.

It would always be different.

Pieces

Jeremy was back at Macy's for the second time that day. Pretty unusual for a man who tried to only step foot in such a store once a year: for Mother's Day. He made his way to the Clinique counter he had previously found. She was still there, giving the older woman in front of her a sunny smile, baldly lying by telling her that that particular lipstick color did not make her look her full fifty years.

She did not look pleased to see Jeremy again. Her perfectly placed grin wavered a bit as her blue eyes focused on his face. It did not completely disappear, but the shift of her attention was enough to make the older woman replace the lipstick and move away. Sandy blew out her breath in annoyance, no doubt she blamed him for her loss of commission.

"What do you want now?" she snapped, popping her gum loudly as she planted one hand on her hip belligerently.

Jeremy had to admit Sandy was an attractive young woman. With her white blonde hair and baby blue eyes, she looked like she stepped out of the cover of Maxim. But her creamy complexion was marred by the use of too much make up. And then there was her voice, Jeremy thought grimly, Sandy had the most nasal voice he had ever heard. When one looked at her, she looked mysterious, seductive, and damn sexy. When she opened her mouth, however, the illusion was shattered completely and all one's senses were filled with the Bronx accent with which she spoke.

"I was hoping to ask you a few more questions, Ms. Jacobs," he asked politely. In reality, he dreaded the inquiries he would have to do more than she probably did. It was him, after all, that had to endure her voice while she answered, wasn't it?

"Sorry," she said with a smile that did not look in the least bit apologetic. "I'm on my break."

"Ms. Jacobs," Jeremy continued. "It'll only take a minute." He stared her down easily and watched with interest as she fidgeted for a moment before nodding curtly and blowing out her breath in annoyance.

"Fine."

Once they were safely tucked away in the beaten booth of a fast food place located in the food court of the mall, Jeremy cleared his throat and spoke. "Now you and Matthew Colvin were having an affair, correct?"

Sandy blew out her breath in impatience. "You already asked me that." At the glare she received, she sighed heavily and answered with great exaggeration. "Yes, we were."

"Were?" Jeremy furrowed his brow. "As in not anymore?"

Sandy's mouth opened and then shut without her saying one word. She faltered for a brief moment before replying with, "Well, the prick hasn't called me in over a week." She waved a hand in the air with forced nonchalance and a dry smile. "I guess that's his way of saying its over." She shrugged. "What I get for getting involved with a married man."

Jeremy was not really listening to the fake casualness Sandy was emanating. He was too busy watching her face and her mannerisms as she spoke. "So," he started slowly. "When was the last time you saw him?"

She pretended to think a moment, her previous annoyance at him vanishing. Now she seemed eager to answer his questions and help in any way she could. "Um, let's see. Two weeks, Friday I think." She bit her painted lip. "Yes, Friday," she affirmed with a nod and a smile.

"And where were you on." Jeremy paused just a moment to see her face. Yes, there was definitely a tint of fear in her heavily lined eyes. "The following Monday night?" he finished. He saw the slightly imperceptible relief.

"Monday? Oh, I was at a club with my girlfriends."

Jeremy easily hid his reaction to her obviously honest alibi. Damn, he thought, he knew Sandy was hiding something, but what? The last anyone had ever seen of Matt was Monday afternoon when James had dropped off the money. So what exactly had happened to the son of the bitch? This had never been about finding a missing man out of genuine concern. In fact, the more Jeremy grew to know about the man, the more he wanted the jerk to be gone from the earth. But what had started off as a job had turned into a series of pieces that did not fit. Now it was about satisfying his own curiosity, his own need to make the goddamn puzzle pieces fit.

Precious Illusions

She was not sure there was a God. She was not sure what true love was. She was not sure of the meaning of life. But she was sure that she could not stay there. Perhaps she was running away, coping out and being an overall coward, but she liked to think of her actions as self-perseverance and plain old horse-sense.

Debra heard the girls escape to their respective rooms. The silence in the house was painful and she winced unwittingly as she walked through the seemingly abandoned hallway. As she made her way to the front door, her head turned to see the living room. For a split second, she saw the three of them, tipsy and carefree, giggling hysterically at the slightest provocation.

She held onto the illusion before her, trying to tightly grasp the vision of Julie's animated, blue eyes as she spoke, Alex's wide, straight smile as she laughed at the anecdote. But, like everything, the moment shifted and everything changed.

Debra's soft smile slowly fell as the bright tableau before her slipped back into dimness. The room was suddenly empty and void of the happiness she had envisioned just seconds before. Lowering her head, Debra sighed slightly.

She realized just then how much she truly hated change. It meant a shift in everything that she held dear. The last year of college had held so much change, even excluding the rape. It had meant the end of seeing Alex and Julie on a daily basis, being able to pour out everything to them at two in the morning. They had all been planning on staying in L.A.. She knew they had been surprised and disappointed and even hurt when she had changed plans and given into her father's pushing her to come back to Chicago for medical school.

Hopefully they understood now. Realized her need to leave. It had not been something she had wanted. Going back to Chicago had meant an isolation that had nearly killed her. Being without them and Sam, even though she had been loath to admit he had grown to be such a paramount part of her life, had been like losing so much of herself.

As was natural, she had made new friends and started relationships, but there was always an unfair comparison made in her mind. No one had ever nor would ever know her or understand her as well as Julie and Alex had been able to. And she had been horrified to discover that no one could kiss her like Sam or touch her like him or even make her feel like she had felt when they were whispering on his bed at some odd hour of the night.

How many times had she been told that first relationships, while they are special, are hardly ever something that last a lifetime? How many times had those words given her comfort in the painful ordeal of getting over him? And how many times had she sobbed because she knew that they were all full of shit and she had managed to be abnormal once again by loving him?

Everything had changed after the rape. But everything should have changed before it. She should have broken up with Sam long before her abrupt, inexplicable exit after graduation. She knew that now. Perhaps she had known that back then, too, but had not wanted to admit it. Because admitting to it would have led to actually needing to do something about it. And that was something she was too weak and pathetic to do. She still was, she mused miserably, which was why she was sneaking out like this.

She had been so terrified of change when she was younger, she still was. Her fear had led to her stay stagnant with Sam instead of moving on. She had been too scared of leaving something familiar behind, even if was destructive. The thought of forging ahead alone was worse to her than staying stationary with Sam. So she had stayed until she simply could not anymore. Even then she had not managed to move on, she had simply physically left him without so much as a proper goodbye.

She heard the cab pull up, but she could not move to the door. Instead, she walked numbly to a stool in the kitchen and sat down, letting her bag fall with a soft thump at her feet. Covering her eyes with her hands, she allowed her elbows to rest on the high counter and her heels sought the rungs of the stool.

She waited for the memory to wash over her, take over, half dreading it and half anticipating it. Finally allowing herself to acknowledge it would allow her to release the story from her, purge herself. But it was also mean having to relive it. But at that moment, sitting in the quiet, empty room with only herself, she felt some small part of her believe that she could.

Burning Bridges

The door was half open, as it usually was, when he passed by. Knocking lightly on the wood, as was his usual practice, Sam pushed the door further, allowing his entry. He craned his neck into the connecting room that belonged to Julie to see if anyone else was in the apartment. As always, Julie's small, single room looked like a hurricane had struck, clothes were strewn over the bed and her dresser was cluttered with books and papers and random bottles of lotion and body spray. Her keyboard was set up as always along with the speakers and headphones she used regularly for her music.

Debra and Alex shared the larger, double room. Alex's possessions, in sharp contrast to Julie's, was orderly like it always was, uncluttered. His eyes fell on the only other person in the room and he immediately frowned.

Not everything was like it usually was.

Debra had his back to him, still bending over whatever it was she was working on. He knew she had heard his knock, but she still did not acknowledge his presence. He touched her elbow lightly and she jumped immediately, fear etched all over her face as she spun around. Her fright soon dispelled once she realized it was him, but her initial reaction was still on his mind. Debra had always been jumpy, scared easily, but her face had been like nothing he had ever seen. She had been truly terrified.

"Hey," he said gently, his light touch on her arm falling easily when she shifted away from him. It was then he saw what she had been doing. "What is this?" he asked, his brow furrowing as he turned to watch her as she dug out a roll of tape and begin to fastidiously line it across the seams of the large cardboard box.

"I'm packing," Debra responded, forcing a casual ease into her voice that neither of them believed.

"Why? I thought you guys were staying here one more month." He felt his stomach clench as it always did when something was not right. It was becoming increasingly apparent that Debra was avoiding looking at him as she moved around busily, occasionally touching and moving objects. "Debra?" he prodded after a long moment, his tone edgier than it should have been.

She seemed distracted as she spoke. "Uh, yeah. Alex and Julie are staying another month, I'm leaving for home tonight."

"Tonight?" he exploded. He saw her back flinch slightly at his voice rose. "When did you decide this?"

"A few weeks ago," she answered quietly.

He was too shocked to reply at first. And when he did, his voice was not angry, but very, very soft. He did not question what had made her change plans, but instead asked, "Why didn't you tell me?"

She could only shrug. "I don't know, Sam. I guess I just didn't want to deal with."

"With what?" Sam's jaw tightened. "With what, Debra?" he repeated.

"With this, all right?" She gestured in his direction with her arms. "I didn't want to deal with this conversation."

"Oh, you mean the one we're about to have right now?"

Debra sighed. "Yes," she agreed. "Because I'd rather not have to answer your questions and feel guilty. I'd rather just go."

"Okay," he conceded.

Debra raised her eyes to his, immediately suspicious. He had given in completely too easily. Rather than be relieved, she grew wary of a much bigger storm than she had been expecting. She knew her instinct was right when he walked over to her, and wrapped his arms around her waist as he stared down at her with a smile.

"Does this mean you're coming back earlier?"

Debra looked straight head at his chest rather than look into those happy blue eyes that would soon hate her. "I-I'm not coming back, Sam." Even before his name slipped from her mouth, she had removed herself from his embrace and walked over to the other side of the room.

He had not moved from where she had left him a few moments later. Then, very slowly, his fists clenched as he continued to give her his back. "What're you talking about?"

"I'm not coming back, Sam." She licked her lips. "I'm staying in Chicago."

"Why?"

"My father's right. Cornell has a great medical program."

He nodded slowly. "What about the school here?" She did not answer and he let out a low whistle. "You're actually doing it, aren't you?" he laughed bitterly. "You're going to let him control you again after all this time."

Her temper flared at that. He knew her father's dominance over her life had been something she was sensitive about. He knew her struggle to claim independence. He knew the milestone she had conquered when she had refused to attend graduate school in Cornell and stay in L.A. He knew. And he used it now to hurt her.

"I'm making the best possible decision for me, Sam," she snapped. "And if it hurts your ego that that decision does not include you, I'm sorry, there's really nothing I can do about it."

"This isn't about my ego and you know it, Debra," he hissed back. "This is about still not being able to stand up to your father even when you're twenty."

"My father has nothing to do with this decision."

He snorted disbelievingly. "Sure."

At that moment, she wanted to hurt him so badly it scared her. She wanted him to feel just an iota of the pain and the confusion and the fear that had taken over her life. "We're not working anyway, Sam, okay?"

"What?"

"Oh, please. You know it." She sawed a hand in the space between them. "How long were we going to drag this out after graduation, anyway? A month? Two?" She shook her head slowly. "Come on, we're not fooling anyone."

Sam's jaw clenched tightly and she could tell she had succeeded in hurting him deeply. Pyrric victory, she thought miserably, hurting him with those horrible words had only served to magnify her own pain.

"If you didn't think we had anything, what about all those plans? Huh, Debra? What happened to living together and me writing and you-"

"And me what?" Debra interrupted. "Me what? I don't know what to do with my life. You know that. I can't just sit around with you while you do what you love-I can't be useless like that."

"So instead you're going to go do something you know you don't want to?"

She shrugged. "It's something."

"It's nothing and you know it."

"It's better than this!" she exploded, throwing her arms in the air to gesture to the room around them.

"Than what?" he yelled back.

She bit her lip. She had an answer, but it involved so many things that she had kept secret for four long years. Drudging them up now seemed like a monumental task and she suddenly was not up for any of it. Instead, she shook her head and lowered her gaze. "Than sitting around waiting for the day this blows up in our faces."

"You don't know that it will."

"Yeah, I do." She nodded slowly, emphatically. "Yeah, I do. This won't work; I think we knew that a while ago."

"I didn't," he said stubbornly.

"None of it fits! It's too damn hard."

"Most things worthwhile don't come easy, Debra."

"Maybe, but it shouldn't be this difficult. This difficult means not meant to be, Sam." She sighed heavily. "Nothing would go our way. My father would have a conniption fit if I moved in with an aspiring writer while I had no clue what I was going to do with my own life."

"So?"

"What do you mean so?" she snapped. "I'm not like you, Sam. I don't have parents who love me despite everything. I don't have a family who'll support me in whatever I do in life. You just don't understand; you can't understand. You probably never will." She paused and stared up at him. "You place this simplicity on life that just isn't there. I can't just say 'screw my father' and run off with you. I can't. What's more, I don't think I want to."

"Life is that simple sometimes, Debra. A lot of things are complicated, I know that. That's why you have to make the things you can, simple."

"This isn't simple."

He shrugged. "Yes, it is. I thought you'd have grown out of this need to make your father love you; I was wrong. See?" He paused, looking down at her with a mixture of disappointment and pity. "Simple."

It all infuriated her. "Fuck you, Sam."

His face turned incredibly serious, losing the caustic grin it had held seconds before. "Why are you doing this, Debra? I mean, why are you really doing this?"

She shook her dark hair back from her face as she raised her head to look him square in the eyes. "Because I need to," she said simply.

"So that's it?" he asked finally. "You're just leaving?"

Debra could only nod, her throat suddenly tightening with a force that was painful. She inherently knew that if she tried to speak, her voice would fail her and tears would be imminent. She could not cry in front of him, show him that much of her now, because it would lead to her staying. And being with him. And that was something she could no longer do.

She did not know what she was expecting, maybe a large, confrontational argument that involved dramatic screaming and heartfelt confessions, but when he just nodded again and turned away from her, she knew true desolation. When he walked out of the apartment without so much as a word or a glance back, she could only stare at the vacant space where he was once, feeling something slowly tear from her.

It was painless, surprisingly so, and Debra knew it was because she was in denial. She was not able to fathom that after nearly four years together with Sam it was ending in such a lacking denouement. She remembered that night so long ago when she thought he had broken up with her. She knew that she felt the same way now, so unable to believe it was over that her mind and body simply refused to.

But she knew this was not like that poignant night; this was permanent and real. There was no room for confusion. When she had finally been able to tell Alex and Julie what had happened with misplaced shame and embarrassment, they had stared at her dumbly before proceeding to thoroughly deny any break up in what he had said. She had been shocked and had found them to be right when Sam had come to her room later that night. And things had gone back to normal, but she knew by now that normal was not necessarily okay.

The girls had driven her to airport and they had said tearful goodbyes and Debra had promised profusely to come back for a wedding she was dreading. And she had kept her promise. Of course, at the wedding, Sam had ignored her and she had fought with Alex in an argument that still loomed over their friendship, but she had still come. She was grateful that none of them had mentioned Sam or questioned her actions.

While she boarded the plane, she hated to confess to herself that she was craning her neck back, not to get one last glimpse of her best friends, but to see if Sam had come. She told herself she did not want that, his presence there could only be catastrophic, but that logic did not stop her heart from aching to see his dark hair, his strong, lean body and the flash of his blue eyes.

When at last there was no hope for his late arrival, Debra sat in her window seat, leaning her head back as she thought of Alex and Julie going back to the apartment they had all shared, laughing and having fun with everyone else at graduation parties. She felt a pang of longing and envy. They would get to see him daily, they would get to hear his voice and feel his smiles looking down at him. The thought that she would never again get to experience any of those small pleasures filled her with such agony she gasped out. She rode the wave of pain with clenched fists and a tight jaw. It faded into a dull ache as the plane landed, but refused to subside.

And part of her knew, but refused to admit, that that was how it would probably always be.

Common Ground

When Alex found her, she was slumped over the counter, her head lowered on her crossed arms with an air that reeked of defeat. She slid in the stool next to her and stared down at the figure next to her. Debra seemed to not register Alex's presence so she touched Debra's shoulder lightly.

Debra's head jerked up to see Alex's warm eyes glowing in the dark room. She sat up immediately and scrubbed her face with her hands, surprised to find them warm and wet when she pulled them away.

"Hey," Alex whispered.

"Hey," Debra echoed hollowly, sniffing once.

"You still leaving?"

Debra laughed as she looked down to see her bag still resting motionless on the shiny floor. "I thought I was."

Alex remained silent, only nodding as she turned her head to look straight ahead. Part of her thought maybe this was not the time, but another, stronger part of her pushed her to do this because she might never again get a chance to. So, with a deep breath, Alex spoke, "You remember that week before Julie's wedding?"

Debra was quiet for a long time and Alex feared she had pushed something too far. She was about to give it up when Debra opened her mouth to speak. "How could I forget?"

Alex sucked in another shaky breath and forged ahead. "Well, I said some stuff that one night and-"

Debra brushed her damp cheeks again with quick, jerky swipes. "Hey, don't worry about it. We both said some shit-"

Alex knew what was coming next. And a while ago she would have been grateful for the silent agreement to leave the issue in the closet, go through life as if it had not happened. But she was different now and the thought of living with it secretly literally brought her anguish. "No, don't do that. I've spent my whole life pushing aside problems and ignoring them to keep up appearances." She let out a low laugh. "I guess that's one thing my mother genetically gave me." Debra was silent, sensing Alex's need to speak more. "You were right, you know."

Debra adamantly shook her head. "No, no I wasn't. I was loud and out of line and a complete bitch. You didn't deserve that. I was just consumed with so much guilt and I took it out on you."

Alex looked down at her clasped hands. "You were right, Debra," she repeated firmly. "I kept quiet because it was easier than dealing with the problem we all knew was there."

Debra turned to her suddenly, her voice insistent and thick. "No, we didn't know there was a problem. I knew there was a problem; I knew Matt was a monster, but I didn't warn Julie. I don't know if it was selfishness or fear or-"

"Don't you dare blame yourself. Debra, you were-"

She did not think she could hear the actual words being said. It was such an ugly word. Such an ugly action. Refusing to allow herself to go back to that right now, Debra swallowed harshly and spoke. "I shouldn't have just watched her go through with it knowing nothing good could come of it."

Alex's eyes stung and she lowered them. "I guess we both failed her," she said quietly.

"Failed me?" Alex and Debra's heads both swung to see Julie standing behind them, a disbelieving laugh crossing her lips as she walked toward them, her cheeks damp. "Failed me? You both dropped everything to help me after a ten second phone call. You broke the law to save me. How can you say you failed me?"

Debra shook her head in argument, but Alex vocalized both of their thoughts. "Julie, we let you-"

"Let me?" Julie's brow furrowed as her jaw tightened. "You both didn't let me do anything." Standing in between them, she looked down, her voice gentle but firm. "I love you two dearly, but you really are so conceited sometimes. Do you really think you telling me not to marry Matt would have stopped me?" At Debra's guilty flush, Julie directed her next words to her. "Yes, the news of the rape would have, but, Debra, know that I don't blame you. Please, just know that. I can't begin to imagine what you went through." Julie shook her head as she trailed off and squeezed Debra's shoulder tightly before continuing, "I was-still am-stubborn as a mule. Just telling me Matt was bad news would have made me want to marry him all the more." She laughed. "I was fucked up like that.

"The point is that you could not have stopped me. I made my choices and I have to deal with them. I'm sorry I dragged you all into this." More tears stung her eyes as she looked away, her voice breaking. "I'm sorry if this all backfires and we all get into trouble with that lying bastard-" At the mention of Jeremy, Julie was forced to stop speaking as a wave of sobs forced all the breath out of her.

Alex and Debra exchanged a look at the depth of emotion Julie had just shown. "Hey," Alex finally said softly she rubbed Julie's arm in a gesture of comfort. "It's okay."

"You really liked him, huh?" Debra asked, the word 'like' suddenly seeming quite lacking in light of the pain etched throughout Julie's delicate features.

Julie let out a hollow laugh as she furiously scrubbed at her wet checks. "Yeah," she said scornfully, staring at her damp hands intently, as if willing the evidence of her tears away from her fingers. "Yeah, I guess I did."

"Did?" Alex prodded.

"Did," Julie confirmed quietly. "Did."

"Love?"

"What?"

"You heard me."

"No, I-I-" Julie grew pink with distress and turned away from Alex.

After a moment, Alex's voice filled the silence. "It's okay, you know."

"No, it's not!" Julie cried out, whirling on her heel to face Alex, more tears spilling out of her crystalline eyes. "It's not!"

In contrast to Julie's frenzied shouts and movements and Debra's wide- eyed silent confusion, Alex was the epitome of external serenity. She smiled benignly at Julie as she reached out her arms to hug her friend.

"It's okay to love him," she said.

"I don't," Julie argued weakly, her face belying the denial. "How can I? I just met him and he lied to me about everything and I don't know him and he-he."

"The sad thing is," Debra added ruefully. "None of that matters. It should, but it doesn't." She shrugged helplessly as Julie looked over at her. "You don't get to choose who you love-I think I just realized that myself."

"But you can choose what you do about it," Alex pointed out, looking at both of the women near her.

"Yes." Debra nodded, slowly at first and then quicker as she continued. "Yes, you can."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"Nothing."

Twisted

"Why not?" Debra demanded hotly, the words escaping her mouth before she could even think twice about them.

Julie glared at the both of them as she took a step back. "Think about what you're saying for just a minute. Would you stop being girls long enough to realize that this is a bad idea?" She ran an agitated hand through her hair and wiped her eyes one last time. "God! He could ruin us! He could put us in jail and you all are talking about love and birds and blah blah blah?"

"Hey," Alex countered. "Don't ruin this for yourself."

"Ruin what, Alex?" Julie snapped. "I've already ruined everything. I loved Matt-or I thought I did. I don't even know if I want to have sex again, let alone have all this love crap that everyone seems keen on pushing for."

"What are you going to do instead? Let it all pass you by?" Alex shook her head. "I can't believe you'd be that stupid."

Julie did not take being insulted well at all. "Oh, I'm supposed to take advice from you? You're pushing away one of the best things to happen to you in a long time for no good reason!"

Alex sucked in a harsh breath. "That's completely different," she said through clenched teeth.

Julie nodded sarcastically. "Sure."

"You're running away from any shred of happiness that may try to find you."

"And you're married to a ghost!"

"Would you both just stop it?" Debra ordered, putting her hands to her ears in sheer frustration. "Listen to yourselves! You're yelling at each other for things you're doing, too."

They both turned to the third woman in disbelief. "You're one to talk," Julie started while, at the same time, Alex said, "And you're not?" Debra leaned back away from the attack that was launched on her.

"Hey!" she yelled back. "I'm not the one half in love with a wannabe cop." Turning to Alex, she finished, "Nor am I standing in my sister's shadow trying to hold on to my dead husband."

"No," Julie snapped. "You're just running away from everything. Just like you always did."

Debra's teeth gritted. "That was low."

"So was what you did to Sam!"

"I had my reasons!"

"None of which you could explain to Sam?"

"No!"

Alex rubbed her head. "She has a point, Julie, it would have been-"

Debra whirled to face Alex. "I don't need you to defend me, thank you very much."

"Oh, that's nice, Debra. Real nice." Julie bit out. "Why don't you estrange yourself from everyone again?"

"Why don't you go fuck that cop, Julie?" Debra spat. She crossed her arms over her chest. "Or have you already?"

"Debra!" Alex glared at the dark haired woman. "Back off, would you?"

"Oh, please! While Julie's at it, why don't you go find the good doctor?"

"And why don't you find Sam?" Alex retorted hotly. "Maybe another good roll in the hay would stop you from being such a bitch."

"Amen," Julie muttered.

"Oh, be quiet," Alex flicked her gaze to settle on Julie. "Debra's right, too. You need to just fucking get over yourself long enough to talk to Jeremy."

"So basically, we all need to get laid?" Julie asked after a long moment. "And that will magically solve our problems?"

Debra let a burst of laughter escape and immediately clapped a hand over her mouth when the noise cut through the tense atmosphere. "I wish," she finally said ruefully. She sat back down on the stool, her energy spent. "What we need," she continued, her tired smile still in place. "Is to calm our shit and find out whether we're coming or going."

"You're going," Julie automatically said, her voice slightly snide. Alex nudged her and she fell silent, giving Debra an apologetic look.

"What are we going to do if Jeremy finds out it was us?" Alex asked needlessly, voicing the thought that was running through all of their minds.

Debra chewed on her lip for a while, looking pensive. The other two could immediately tell she had an idea, or something on her mind. They looked at her expectantly and when Debra lifted her gaze, she sighed heavily. "I think," she began slowly, "that we could do something," she finished finally, the ending spoken grandly, but lacking immensely.

Silence. Julie and Alex waited a moment before prodding. "Well?" they asked in impatient unison.

"Well," she prevaricated reluctantly. "It's underhanded and low and the entire reason men think women are pure evil at times. Pretty twisted shit."

Julie stared at her dumbly. "Well, I'm so confused as to what we've been doing so far," she said wryly, gesturing to their surroundings and the actions that had taken place there the past few days.

Alex smiled despite herself and Debra rolled her eyes. "Touché," she admitted. "But before I tell you, I need to know. All joking aside, how do you feel about him, Jules?" She looked straight into Julie's solemn blue eyes, her own darker ones imploring an honest answer. "I need to know," she added quietly.

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"I could love him." She looked down at her clasped hands. "But I just don't know. It's so different-from anything." She shrugged helplessly, but it was a solid answer as far as Debra was concerned. "I could," she whispered.

"I think he loves you," Alex said abruptly. She looked to Debra for confirmation and got it in the form of a slow nod.

Julie's lip quivered for a split second before she sniffed. "Why?" was all she said tearfully before burying her head into her arms as she took a seat next to Debra on another stool.

Alex exchanged a bewildered look with Debra before they both touched Julie's back in comfort. "Babe," Alex started. "What is it?"

"What do you mean 'why'?" Debra demanded. "What's not to love about you?"

Julie's muffled voice reached their ears, but she did not raise her lowered head. "I'm a jobless housewife whose husband beat and cheated on her regularly! I'm damaged goods!" she wailed.

"And that suddenly makes you unlovable?" Alex pulled on Julie's arm forcefully until the other woman reluctantly raised her tousled head to face them. Her face was contorted into one of mortification and pain. "You're not a jobless housewife, but if you were, who gives a fuck! You're an artist, goddamnit, and it's high time you started seeing yourself as one."

Debra raised an eyebrow at Alex's spiel and gave two short claps to commend the other woman. Alex blushed slightly at the praise. "Uh, ditto to whatever she just said," Debra said.

Julie looked straight ahead. "You two don't understand," she said desperately.

"No, I think we do," Alex interrupted casually. "We understand that you're just making up excuses left and right. The thing we don't understand." She paused, crossing her arms over her chest and cocking her head to side. "Is why you think you need to."

Julie avoided Alex's gaze and looked at Debra. "What's the plan?"

Debra looked surprised at the abrupt change in topic and blinked before gathering her bearings and starting, if somewhat awkwardly. "A man in love will do lots of crazy things." The other two looked at her with confusion and impatience and she blew out a deep breath. "This is going to sound so incredibly vampish and bitchy!" she half yelled before letting out a growl and running her hands through her hair. "Okay, if you're in love with Jeremy and let him he's in love with you." She licked her lips and spit out the next part, as if to get the bitter tasting words out of her mouth as soon as possible. "Well, he's not going to turn you in if you let him know that you love him."