Dreams never come true

                I knew that this dream I have would never last. It was impossible… dreams were nice, dreams were wonderful. But they are never ever real. Never. That’s why people are warned not to live in a dream. I broke that rule. I wanted to live in a dream so badly. Because in dreams, it is nice. And even if something goes wrong, you know that it’ll be over because you’ll have to wake up eventually.

                And I did. I did wake up.

                After 4 months and 13 days… the most beautiful dream I have ever had is coming to an end… I’m afraid that it has already ended. Once again I am thrown back down to reality where everything hurts. Where everything is vibrating with so much hatred and anger. And with all those vibes around me, I am left once again alone and insecure.

                Before I chose this dream, I did have uncertainties. I knew that it would end and I would be hurt once more. I knew that if I started dreaming, I would push everything aside and ignore the world around and only live in the dream itself. But I did choose this dream. Because she assured me that it was not a dream. Not a dream. It was real. The dream was real.

                She told me that what we have was real and that I am not going to wake up because it is impossible. Because this is not a dream. God knows how many times I’ve had doubts and confided in her and every single time she assured me again and again that it is not a dream and that all this is real. She would not leave me, as she does not want me to be alone again.

                But when I had that same doubt again recently, what she answered killed me.

                “Dreams never come true.”

                And following that came my other worst nightmare. She was telling me her doubts in her feelings for me. She feels more secure and comfortable with another. The words ‘dream guy’ and ‘secure’ made a wound in my heart that hurt even more when she left me the first time. I feel like a failure. I couldn’t provide security for her. I couldn’t give her a life that she has always wanted. I couldn’t give her anything but my love.

                And that is not enough.

                But I have had my share of this beautiful dream. It’s time for me to wake up and face the world. I can no longer hide behind her when the burdens of the world is weighting on me. I must now carry them myself. And I must not break down.

                And this time, amazingly I did not cry. Not a single tear. But for every drop of tear I should’ve shed, I’ve in compensated it double the amount in my blood. I was a cutter when I met her. I put the blade aside when she gave me the confidence to live without it. And now since that she’ll be gone, I guess I’ll be a cutter once again. For nothing else can give me the same pleasure or comfort. Only the blade, blood and pain. And thus proving the saying ‘Once a cutter, will always be a cutter.’

                Yes, I did give her my first blade. But now it has disappeared with the dream. So I’ve bought a new one. And this one, I plan to keep. I’ll keep it with me no matter how many other dreams I may dream. No matter how beautiful any of those dreams may be. Because now I know I will have to wake up. No matter what. So whenever I wake, I will still have the single thing in the world that will comfort me no matter how much damage has been done from my waking.

                I will hold on to it…

                Because now I am truly convinced that dreams never come true…

                Never.