MrPresident’s Complete History of America (Abridged)

Chapter One – Christopher “I’m not wearing that” Columbus

Ship mate (SM): Land Ahoy!

Columbus (C): See I told you lads. I told you we would hit land. You all thought I was crazy but I proved you wrong, I proved you all wrong! [Evil laugh]

SM: Sir?

C: Yes?

SM: Do you want to go ashore?

C: Just a minute. [Finishes evil laugh] Okay let’s go.

[One short boat trip and several capsizes later]

C: Ahh…(Smells the air)…India.

SM: Sir, this isn’t India. It’s America.

C: It’s India!

Native 1 (N1): Excuse me. [Native 1 walks past with a bag full of fish]

SM: Sir, it can’t possibly be India.

C: Why not?

SM: We haven’t travelled nearly enough miles for it to be India.

C: You and yours miles, when are you going to adopt the metric system?

SM: I don’t see how that is relevant.

C: That’s why your not captain.

SM: I know I wasn’t captain because you called it.

C: It doesn’t matter how I became captain all that matter is that I am captain.

SM: Yes, sir. [Whisper] Idiot.

C: What was that?

SM: Nothing. [Whisper] (censored due to vulgar language, it sounded Italian at least)

C: Okay, good. [Plants Spanish flag in the sand] I claim this land in the name of Spain.

******

N1: Hey Steve, who are they?

Native 2 (N2): Explorers.

N1: What are they doing?

N2: Exploring I suppose.

N1: Exploring what?

N2: [Pause] Probably this island.

N1: Why are they doing that?

N2: I don’t know, maybe they’re European.

N1: Damn Europeans! Don’t they know this is our island?

N2: Apparently not.

N1: I think we should go tell them.

[Native 1 walks over to Columbus who is praying]

N1: Excuse me? [Native 1 taps Columbus on the shoulder] Excuse me? What do you think you are doing?

C: Praying.

N1: Praying?

C: I am thanking God for delivering us safety to the land of India.

SM: It’s not India.

C: Shut up!

N1: What’s India?

N2: Probably their word for land.

N1: Well listen here mate; you’re trespassing on our island.

C: Trespassing? But I have just claimed this island in the name of Spain.

N1: You can’t do that.

C: I just have. Look I have the flag and everything.

N1: But you can’t claim this island, it’s ours.

C: Do you have a flag?

N1: That doesn’t matter.

C: If you don’t have a flag then I can claim.

N1: Just because you have a flag doesn’t entitle you to go about claiming all the land of non-flag people.

C: Sorry but those are the rules.

N1: Who wrote these rules?

C: We did.

N1: Then you can change them.

C: Sorry but I can’t do that.

N1: Why not?

C: Listen I don’t try to understand the rules, I just follow them.

N1: So you can claim any land you like if you have a flag because that is the rule?

C: Yes.

N1: But that’s stupid.

C: That’s exploration. Now if you excuse me I have some enslaving to do. [Columbus and Ship Mate exit]

N1: Did you hear that Barry?

N2: I sure did Steve.

N1: Who does he think he is?

N2: Christopher Columbus, the famous explorer.

N1: I don’t care if he is a famous explorer, he can’t just go about claiming islands.

N2: Now don’t get upset you know what the doctor said.

N1: Yeah I know it’s just these explorers get right up my nose.

N2: Don’t worry I’m sure this is all just a big misunderstanding.

N1: You’re probably right, we’ll go talk to him in the morning and straight all this out.

N2: That’s the spirit.

[Native 1 and 2 start to walk away]

N1: Did you see what he was wearing?

N2: I know, what the hell was that? Doesn’t he know that was so last spring?

N1: Italians, when are they doing to get themselves a fashion sense?