The good Lord has been kind to me. I notice this now, despite the most current string of bad events that have happened in my life. I mean, if I hadn't had noticed the pet store across the street from the local strip joint, "Girls and Giggles", I wouldn't have picked up a dog. That dog would have never learned to talk and enslaved my home town. And if that wouldn't have happened, I probably wouldn't have introduced my girlfriend to it. I mean, it's a dog! She probably then wouldn't have left me for my dog. If that wouldn't have happened, then what? I probably wouldn't have seen her making out with the hairy mutt, and I definitely wouldn't have ran out into the street crying. That would have prevented me falling into the manhole and getting kidnapped by the mole people. I probably, then, would not have lost all my clothes in a duel with King Wubachucka. I would have not been left for dead, and that would have prevented me from crawling out into the street naked. No one would have seen the size of my penis. NO ONE! I would have never been forced to strip at the local "Barnes and Noble" basement. And how could I have lived if that book hadn't have hit me in the side of the head. Who knew Oprah had such a good arm? I sure didn't.

Well, I probably wouldn't have ended up in the hospital for a concussion, then. I would have never fallen in love with the nurse. I would have never took that drink she offered me, and I probably could have avoided the whole... waking-up-with-my-kidney-gone thing. I honestly thought she was a real nurse! Well, you learn something new every day. But, the important thing is that if I hadn't have lost that kidney, I probably could have left before the place burned down. And if it wasn't for my severe burning tissue, I probably would have noticed the doctor coming to help me. I would have, therefore, refrained from jumping out the window. Then I probably wouldn't have landed in the flatbed of that truck. That farmer would have never nursed me back to health, and kept me as his slave. I wouldn't have learned the pain of daily beatings with a beehive. Well, what happened next, I got stolen by a gorilla. This wasn't very... good. Don't get me wrong, I love nature. Just not when it thinks your a rag doll. I would have never experienced all the benefit of free banana's all the time. Then, I would have never learned that I am allergic to banana's. I would have never scared the monster away without my hives. They had grown to the size of bowling balls. I would have stopped breathing a long time ago, had I not have been healed by a native... by the most painful ways possible! Well, how could I have gotten married to the "Repulsello the native" if things hadn't of went the way they did? That's just what I called her, actually. That or,"AHHHHHHH!!!!! GET OFF ME!!!! MY SKIN!!!! IT BURNS!!!!" But I won't go on. Instead, I'll just tell you how I ended up in Japan... um... naked. As it turns out, Repulsello wasn't a native at all. She was Japanese. Ha ha ha... I probably could have been able to tell that she wasn't... if her face didn't look like an old lady foot fungus after a good dip in Magic Ugly Producing Juice™. But, I owed her my life. So I agreed to follow her to Japan. One day she got really drunk, ripped off all my clothes, and threw me out into the street, screaming,"SAILOR MOON ROCKS!!!!" I think that was what she said. She was drunk after all. It could have been,"SAY OR NOON SOCKS!!!" or,"URINE IS DRIPPING DOWN MY LEG!!!" I really don't know. Well, without this, no Japanese hobo beatings would have been part of my story. But, they are. Thank god. If they hadn't I wouldn't have been lying on the ground from lack of blood. And then, well, I would have never found this nickel. I love nickels! And it was American, too! Thank god I bought that dog. The good Lord has been kind to me!