Save Me From Myself

By Evilincarnate410

AKA Luisa

I remember writing in my journal the heading "Easy Escapes: Ways to Die". I had listed more than I can count on my hands and toes but none seemed a cruel enough fate for me. I had done wrong and I deserved to suffer for it but my psychiatrist kept telling me I had suffered enough. She didn't know anything. She had no clue what it is to suffer. Yes I've been tortured in my short seventeen years but that still does not justify what I have done. I must suffer for death will be too kind to me but I did want it easy didn't I? Fate must've agreed that I had to suffer for I have already tried more than half of the suicides described in the pages of my 5 subject journal. Each time he comes to me and saves me. Why? I'll never understand. He puts me on this pedestal and treats me like a porcelain doll but doesn't he see all the cracks on my smoothed glass skin? Doesn't he see the empty look in my eyes? Why Hayden must you continue to save me from myself? Why do you think I care what happens to this body of mine? Can't you see it's scarred and broken far beyond repair? This soul I am told I should cherish it resides in the farthest depths of Hell so please stop reaching out to it. Let me go and live as you of purity are meant to.

I recall I was drowning. I had a sure fire plan this time and fire was a definite big part of it. This time for sure no one would be able to stop me. I would die and suffer as I deserved to. They were gone because of me and now I'd avenge their deaths by taking my own life. I would feel the same pain they felt at my damned hands. A pool of gasoline would ensure that he would not be able to find me or so I thought. The fluid was filling my lungs as I began to search in my pockets. It was difficult to do while slowly sinking in the nauseating liquid. Then I heard a splash but it was too late the lighter had sparked. I could hear screams, I wasn't certain if they were mine or his maybe both. An explosion erupted then there was silence. All I could see was darkness and I heard nothing. I was floating in the shadows and felt like I was drowning all over again. Then I saw him he had followed me to my destiny. I tried to speak to him but I had no voice. His eyes were closed not allowing me to see the green eyes I had woken up to from one a many self induced comatose states. His shoulder length blonde hair flowed freely it along with his pale skin contrasting the darkness. He seemed to be a source of light and the only thing I could make out. I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face, I wasn't sure if it even was in front of my face. He looked angelic as he always had but now there seemed to be a supernatural glow to him. When I had finally pushed myself enough to reach him we began to fall. I tried to hold onto him but he dematerialized in my very arms. I landed in a ring of fire and I could see him in a cage a couple of yards away. I was thinking of a way to get to him when an armed snaked its way around my waist. I shivered at the contact of calloused fingers across my stomach.

"He followed you. Now look at him. What have you done? You took another life. What's the count up to seven? Poor Kilalen. The innocent little victim. I know what you're going to say 'I didn't mean to'." He imitated my voice so perfectly it was sickening. That was the way I sounded when I wanted to live no more did I have that tone of innocence that comes with ignorance. I learned the ways of the world all too abruptly and forced that poison down the throats of those who risked reaching out to me. Look what good it did Hayden, he's an empty shell in a cage hanging in the pits of Hell. It reminds me of one of the dreary poems in that previously mentioned journal, 'When did I get locked up in this cage and hung in Hell to be the devil's parakeet?'. But it wasn't me in the cage it was someone who deserved to be alive laughing with his friends or even doing the homework he hated so much. Hatred that is something he never knew something he never card to know. Now because he simply associated himself with me he has been removed from his world of 'precious life'. He had always described it like that even on the numerous times he was forced to carry a half dead girl. How many times did he carry me to the hospital in the middle of the night? I still wonder how he found me every single time. The hand around my waist moves higher going under my shirt. I cringe and try to pull away only to be held tighter to a muscular chest. This scene is so familiar to me, it's what began my downward spiral.

I am turned to face the man I will be forced to pleasure for I see no use in fighting the inevitable. His features stare back at me and I turn to check if he's still in the cage. Either my eyes deceive me or I'm seeing double but that can only mean one thing. It haunts me even in death that tragic day when I lost all my innocence, all my faith in anything akin to good. He smiles at me smugly certain that he is forever etched in my memory which he unfortunately is. Suddenly I am alone again but that is not what causes me to shake in fear. This room it's so familiar but I was only thirteen the last time I was here. I remember these stupid lilac walls and these floral stickers. These butterfly sheets and pink comforters that I adored because he had given them to me. If I had known that he only did so to be able to lie in them with me I would've never accepted them. I was so blind then believing he could care for me like my own family never did.

The door creaks open just like it did those four years ago and he enters. His golden hair longer than my own raven tresses and his green eyes locked hungrily on me. It was a look that I didn't understand then and as he pushed me onto the bed my mother's words reverberated in my head, 'You're becoming a woman now and boys will take notice. Be careful, Kilalen, for boys want only one thing and you can't give it to them till you're absolutely ready.'. It was a warning that had come far too late for I had already begun to show off my increasing bust size and long, smooth legs. I had no clue that it would cause a boy I had considered my best friend to betray me so brutally. I could feel him on top of me but I did not cry as I had then for I had experienced this so many times that I had grown immune. I was just another whore in this world I had come to terms with that. I was here for there satisfaction my pain meant nothing as did I myself. Then I felt his blood in my hands, the dagger was in his back as it had been the night I ran. The night everything broke. The night I sold my soul for the false promises of a future that did not exist for me. His blood burned my hands and then the entire room was on fire.

I could hear the screams of my sisters and mother, they were trapped in their bedrooms while I was sitting quietly on the kitchen table. The fire extinguisher was only a few feet away but I remained still. My concentration remained on the blood trickling down my thighs, a feeling that was normal for me yet each time it amazed me. It wasn't my time of the month but still the blood poured down. Had this been from what the men had done to me that night? Why weren't they here now to save their women? Why had it been so easy for them to lock them in their rooms and give me the matches to play with? I had not lit one match yet fires raged all around me. I could've crawled off that table and easily gotten the fire extinguisher and at least saved one of them but I didn't. I bent my knees up and wrapped my arms around them, curling myself up in my own little world. I could've saved them but I choose to instead wallow in my misery and when the fire fighters came I was the only one left. They found me sitting on that table soaked from head to toe and still bleeding from my earlier abuse.

"I don't deny any of it! It's my fault! But Hayden did nothing wrong!" I was pulled out of the reverie and left in a cold room. My flare jeans and tank top did nothing to keep me warm in the freezer like room. I was sitting at a table and there he was at the other end. He smiled at me like he had so many times but with my advanced knowledge of him I knew it was only to gain my trust. Something he took advantage of long ago and that I had not granted to even myself since then. He placed a chess board on the table in front of me and still in his grasp. That board, we had made it together after I had said the regular one was too plain. The squares were pink and lilac, colors that now did nothing short of making me want to puke. The pawns were dolls his mother had helped us make out of oven bake clay. I remember how excited he and Hayden had been the first time all three of us got to use it.

"You still remember how do play don't you? I know it's been a long time since you've laid eyes on a chessboard but you told me once you'd never forget the rules of the game."

"And you told me that you couldn't even hurt a fly we all tell lies. Some bigger than others." I set up my side of the board as he did his.

"You'll remember. You seem to be remembering a lot lately."

"I killed you Holden. Why can't you stay dead? Why do you continue to haunt me haven't you done enough already?"

"I am dead but now so are you and he wants me to bring you a message. You know he likes for the messenger to have had a history with the lost soul." They were twins Hayden and Holden but they were only similar in appearance. They proved that cliché of evil twins was right on the money.

"What's the message and if it doesn't explain why Hayden is trapped here then I don't care to hear it?"

"Well, then give me your multiple pierced ears because this definitely has to do with my sorry excuse for a brother. He was stupid enough to follow you to your death.before you try to interrupt yes he knew what he was doing. He knew that this time he wasn't going to be able to save you so he opted to go with you. Now big red wants your soul but he also has a pure soul just out of reach of his clawed hand. You are to go bring him Hayden's soul. Should you fail him you will be left to live your worst nightmare for eternity."

"What makes him think that'll hand over the soul of the only person who had faith in me? I maybe a psychotic bitch but even I have a heart."

"You don't understand you don't have a choice. Hayden promised his soul to you just as he died. So you have to release him or you will be sent back to wander Earth as a lost soul leaving him to suffer in his perception of Hell. From what my little brother told me while I was alive his idea of Hell is not very good. So you have to find his soul or that whole big exit of yours would've been in vain."