Starting All Over Again June 10th 2002

For awhile now, I have been trying to repair myself. For awhile it seemed to work. I would hang around people that forced me to eat something so that I could guarantee to myself I would get better with time. I also tried eating whenever anyone else was around, even though I hate doing that. It worked for a few weeks anyway, but the "extra food" (an average daily dose) was making me sick and a few of my friends noticed. One of my more violent friends was even told by one of the worried ones that they should force-feed me. I don't know if they were serious, but my more violent friend took it literally. I was often shoved onto my back in empty locker rooms or at my house, then she sat on me, while things were shoved into my mouth. Then she would hold my mouth closed with one hand, the other over my throat, forcing me to swallow. This is partly why I wanted to change. I couldn't live like this anymore.

This weekend I was at a friend's house having a sleepover. There were three of us. We had to sleep in the trailer in the backyard because one of use was allergic to all of the pets in the house.

It turned out that my friend's sister and her friend were sleeping in the trailer too. They took two of the four beds in the back forcing us to all sleep on one bed in the front. We weren't too happy about this, and naturally, we got into a big fight. (Big surprise)

Well the gauntlets were thrown, (name calling and comebacks) although none of it really mattered because they were in grade 7 and they had no good comebacks anyway, but one comment sent to me mattered. When you read this you will probably laugh and call me a queer for letting this get to me, but it hurt a lot anyhow. I actually hadn't been over to their house in half a year and since then I've been told I have gotten extremely skinny (yeah right) compared to what I was before.

Well my friend's sister called me a fat cow and said that the only reason the bed wouldn't fit all of us was because of me. See how funny that sounds? Well it sure wasn't funny to me. I threw something at her, (I don't even remember what it was) and went to sleep on the small bed. I didn't care anymore.

The next day I went back to avoiding everyone I knew, avoiding eating anything and avoiding my family. It was the first time I had refused to eat dinner completely, to my mother's face. The worst part was that she had made me fish for the first time in years, (because I had recently became vegetarian and refused to eat hot dogs and hamburgers) and I hurt her feelings bad. Despite my emotionally dead mind, I still do care about how what I say and do effects others. It often traps me and makes me vulnerable but it can't be helped.

All of this happened because of one stupid comment. I feel like I've failed myself and that I will never be normal again. The only thing I could think about this morning was, "I wonder if anyone will miss me when I'm gone." So now I'm just praying that nobody takes any notice of my extra tiredness for the next week or so. (Even if the lack of notice could mean my death) I am trying to find ways to avoid everyone. It feels so wrong, but at the same time, another voice in my head is telling me it's right and that I shouldn't bother other people with my problems. I'm so confused now that it's making me sick.

I guess I will just continue going on with a smile on my face, although a fake one, to pretend to be ok, like I used to do, all over again.