Down And under

PROLOGUE

The whole thing wasn't my fault. It wasn't even my idea. So how did I end up
about 10,000 times smaller than I usually am? I mean, this kind of stuff is
pretty laughable. You know, Magic School Bus type. But trust me, every word
that I'm writing down is true. Even the stuff I'd really rather not think
about.

My name's Dave. I'm a normal, run-of-the-mill kid. Nothing unusual, for the
most part. I listen to my parents, I play sports, and on Halloween, my
friends and I toilet paper the.. well anyway, er, what was I getting at?
Well, I live in a mainly small, one horse town. Everyone knew each other,
and nothing weird ever happened. The only exciting thing that ever happened
in our town was when some three year old pulled off the wig of this mean old
I'm getting off the subject. What I was saying is, life was normal,
overall.

That is, until he came along.

Chapter One

"Hey, check out that new kid!"

"Ugh, doesn't he look like some bug?"

"Yeah, let's squash him!"

All of friends started laughing. It was traditional. You know, new kid
comes, popular kids beat him up, new kid has no friends. That kind of thing.
However, I never participated in this kind of thing. My parents are Quakers
(yes, I know that sounds really old fashioned, but just bear with me here,
okay?), and they don't approve of my friends' traditions. In fact, they didn
't really approve of anything my friends did. But that was beside the point.

~

"Boys and girls, quiet down," my science teacher, Mr. Mosser said. "We have
a new kid joining us today. His name is Elijah Hoffing. Everyone say hello."
He gestured to the kid standing next to him.

We all groaned a hello. I mean, Mr. Mosser is one of the coolest teachers
around, but did he have to talk to us as if we were second graders? I mean
hello, we're in eighth grade here!

"We'll need to find you a place to sit," Mr. Mosser said, looking around the
room. "Ah, how about right next to Dave here?"

I looked at the new kid for the first time. Oh great. It was that new kid my
friends had been teasing at lunch. What was that nickname they had given
him? Dork something. I looked closer. Yup, it was the same clashing Hawaiian
shirt, neon yellow khakis, glasses that had lenses bigger than his head..

I slid into my chair while everyone around me snickered. Why did Eric have
to be in Florida now? If he had been here, I wouldn't be stuck with Dork
King as my science partner.

While I was brooding about my fate, Mr. Mosser began explaining our new
project. "You and you science partner will be randomly given a sheet that
has various body parts. You are to research and come up with a report on
this. It will be due in two weeks."

Dork Boy raised his hand. "What kind of research are you talking about?"

I nearly snapped. "Internet, stupid. Things called books and magazines can
be used to absorb information. Ever heard of a TV?"

Mr. Mosser answered as if he hadn't heard me. "It really doesn't matter,
Elijah. You can be creative in finding information. Oh yes, class, and this
is a partner project. You and your partners will need to confer with each
other often if you want to get an A on this. This project will have to be
written, and you will also need to give an oral report. Remember, this
assignment counts for 20% of your yearly grade." He then started passing out
the papers.

When he got to Dorky and me, I grabbed the paper, seeing if we got something
good. I groaned when I saw what was on there. Could my life get any worse?

Dorkus actually smiled when he saw the paper. "We'll do the best project
ever," he declared. "Want to get together Saturday?"

Over my dead body, I thought. "Sure, whatever."

~

"So, um, how are we supposed to find information on all this stuff?" I
asked, flipping through papers. "Some of these organs aren't .well, there's
not a lot of info on them." I concentrated on not laughing at Elijah's
stupid Hawaiian shirt. (Yes, he was wearing it again.)

Elijah's (yes, I've finally decided to call him by his real name) eyes lit
up. "I have an idea," he said. "Come with me."

Wearily, I followed him to his garage. There, stood a big.. thing that
reminded me of a submarine. OR a ship. I couldn't really tell which it was.

"Uh, Elijah?"

"Yea?"

"What does this have to do with anything we're writing?"

Elijah grinned. "This, Dave, is the beauty of our project. You see, my dad
just perfected a little gadget that shrinks things about 50,000 times their
size. With this, we can go inside someone's body and go to all the places on
our sheet! It's a spectacular plan!"

I looked at him strangely. "Elijah, are you absolutely sure you're feeling
all right? I think you've read too many sci-fi books."

"No, it's true!" Elijah insisted impatiently. "Now come on! Let's get in,
and I'll show you that I'm not lying!"

He dragged me to the submarine and nearly threw me in there. "Strap on your
seat belt, Dave!" he cried. "You're about to go on an adventure you won't
soon forget!" He pressed a button that said Self Shrink.

"Um, Elijah, are you sure about this?"

"Positive," he said. "Now, we will go in to. there!" He pointed to a boy
across the street. It was Marco, the fattest kid in the school. He was
eating a big bag of Doritos. Just our luck that he was the closest person to
us.

Meanwhile, everything outside the submarine was quickly getting bigger. A
lot bigger. And also, I discovered that I had a fear of quickly shrinking
things.

".momma." I whimpered fearfully. Could this get any worse?

Elijah just looked at me, and I knew he was dying to crack up. But he didn't
say anything and just pulled down some shades. "Mind you, these can't be
down for very long," he told me. "Only until we get down to our traveling
size. Trust me; this trip will be a blast. We'll visit everything! The
heart, the bones, and everything on Mr. Mosser's list."

I tuned him out and looked around the submarine. Only then was a knocked out
by the complexity of it. There were gadgets everywhere! Near the front was a
large control panel, and a screen by it. On the left wall were two enormous
black screens and a small keyboard next to it. On the right ! I
thought. Maybe this trip will be fun after all. I mean, you can't be a mini
freezer.

By now, Elijah had begun explaining the functions of the sub. "The control
panel is for navigation, in order to get around the human body. I put in Mr.
Mosser's list of where to go, so if anything happens to us, it'll go on
autopilot and take pictures for reference. Those two screens are very
important. The one on the left shows Marco's body as we are traveling
through it, so we know where we are. The other screen is for information. If
you are curious about any type of the body, all you do is type a question
into the keyboard, and the results will pop up on the screen." He then
turned to the cooler. (Yes! My favorite part!) "This, I guess, is pretty
self-explanatory. If you get hungry, help yourself. There are devil dogs,
ice cream sandwiches, and the works." Elijah than saw me practically
drooling and decided to switch to something else. "And one more thing." He
walked over to the back, and pressed a large orange button. A hatch from the
ceiling opened and two white astronaut suits came down. "These are to be
used in case of an emergency. The submarine is basically run by Marco, so
should anything happen to him, we'd be out of power."

"?" I said, confused. "I haven't understood a word you said since
'the submarine'. Can you repeat that in English?"

Elijah sighed and looked at me as if I were an idiot. "Our power source is
actually Marco. Once we're in another organism, electricity is impossible to
use. So, we will get our power from our subject, which is Marco. So if
anything happens to Marco, like he gets a heart attack or something, we'll
be out of power. Clear enough?"

I gave him a thumbs up. "Gotcha."

By now, the submarine had finally stopped shrinking. Elijah pulled up the
shades and turned the submarine on. He was so excited he was practically
dancing over the control pad. (Me, I just strapped on my seat belt in the
chair next to him.)

Whirr.

"Here we go!" Elijah cried joyfully. The submarine rose unsteadily, and then
zoomed off at a speed that nearly made me part of my chair. We flew closer
and closer to Marco, who was now eating a bag of popcorn. (Man, how fast
does that boy eat?) Suddenly, a thought came to me.

"Elijah? How are we going to get into Marco? I mean, we're not going to fly
in his mouth or something, right?"

Elijah waved a hand at me. "Of course not. That would be disgusting and
vulgar. Now pay attention. You're in charge of the navigation. We're going
to enter Marco's body through a cut. Ask the question thing, and it'll tell
you."

I quickly typed in where is the cut where we can most easily get into Marco?
I wanted to add How can we get into Marco without killing anyone, but Elijah
watched me like a hawk. So I just sat and waited for an answer. After a few
seconds, an answer popped up. In a vein located on Marco's right arm. There
is a cut right above it. Fly in there.

"Let's go then!" Elijah cried, seeming to have already seen the answer.
"Full speed ahead!" He turned the steering wheel sharply, and it seemed like
we were going to crash headlong into the massive arm-wall of Marco.

As we got nearer, we soon went under the enormous folds of Marco's shirt.
After that, everything went dark. Thankfully, Elijah turned on the
headlights, and the lights in the sub turned on. Then, as we got even
closer, I saw it. A big, ultra-enormous cut that looked like a red sea. Not
an ideal trip at all, I thought. If we die, I am so killing Elijah. Wait a
second, that didn't sound right.

While I was closing my eyes and saying prayers, I heard a loud cry of
"Circulatory system, here we come!"

Chapter Two

"Aaaaaah!"

"Yahoo!"

Two quite different reactions from two people. Guess who's who.

I'm not totally sure what happened. I heard a loud zoom and a shrrup sound.
After that were a couple of gross sounds that I can't even describe. I think
we we're going through the skin or something. Next, there was another shrrup
sound, and I guess that we landed in the vein. I wouldn't know. I was too
busy trying not to throw up.

The first thing I noticed was the repeating thuds all around. "Oh, that's
just the heart beat," Elijah said, correctly interpreting my face. "You'll
get used to it."

Immediately, one of the screens flickered and turned on, showing a large
human diagram, complete with muscles and bones. It took me a second to
realize that it was Marco. Quickly, I found the little flashing dot and knew
that it was us.

During the whole time, we were quickly moving in one way. "Where are we
going?" I cried.

"To the heart," Elijah answered. "Look outside."

I was strongly against that for fear that I would throw up, but I just
clenched my teeth and looked. To my surprise, there were huge
reddish-purple, disk things. Even with my limited knowledge of the human
body, I realized that they were blood cells. "Wait a second, how come they'
re all dark-colored? I thought blood cells were red."

Elijah nodded. "Normally, they are. But veins move blood back to the blood,
carrying the waste materials from different cells. Therefore, the blood
vessels here are dark because there are low on oxygen."

That didn't really make sense, but I decided to take his word for it. Then
another think came to mind. "How come we're only moving in one way? Shouldn'
t there be like two way traffic in the veins? How does the blood get to the
other parts of the body? This doesn't make any sense."

Elijah just sat there looking at me. "How blood goes to different parts of
the body, we'll get to later. But here, let me show you why blood only moves
one way." He turned to the control, and quickly veered the submarine 180
degrees. He started trying to forge through the flow of blood, but it was
pretty difficult. I could hear the grinding of the engines as it moved
forward.

Slowly, we made our way, and I could see a large valve at the end of the
vein. To my surprise, as we came near it, the valve closed up. "Why'd that
thing close up?" I asked. "This is really weird. Is it like some kind of
instinct?"

Elijah nodded as he swung the sub around again. "If the valve didn't
automatically close up, the blood would be flowing the other way, and
everything in the body would be messed up. There's some saying to go along
with it. What was it again? Oh yeah. You have to go with the flow." He
grinned as if he had just made the funniest joke in the world.

I decided to ignore him and studied the map. The flashing dot was moving up
and up, and I could see that soon, the dot would reach.

"Why are we going to the heart?" I demanded. "I'm not screwing around with
the pump machine. I mean, one wrong prod, and Marco's history! And I sure
don't want to be accused of murder in messing with his heart! I will not go
around experimenting with organs of someone living! Not only would that be
gross, but-"

"Relax," Elijah replied, his eyes looking ahead. "We're not going to be
experimenting with anything. We'll just take a look at his heart and go. We'
re small enough so that it won't heart him in any way. Just trust me on
this." He turned back to the controls.

"Trust you?" I snorted under my breath. "How am I supposed to trust a weirdo
who probably doesn't know how to force, who's taking me on a mission that
could result in me ending up in some guy's lung? Why couldn't we have just
researched on the Internet?" Sulking, I stared out the window. We were
moving faster than ever, and the map showed that we were getting closer and
closer the heart.

Shoom!

"Yaaaa!"

With a loud sucking noise, we suddenly entered a really big, well, muscle
blob. I knew it was the heart, but it was still pretty strange. Looking on
the map, I saw that we were between the lungs and the sternum. Then it
became pretty hard to read, because we got closer to the heart, it started
to throb really loudly. It was almost ear splitting. Not to mention earth
shattering. The heartbeats literally shook the ship.

"Here, let's get a close up of the heart," Elijah yelled, typing something
on the keyboard. The heart was throbbing so loudly that we could barely hear
ourselves think. Immediately, the human body screen started zooming in on
the heart. When it finally stopped, I could see quite a few things I wouldn'
t have noticed otherwise.

"What's with those things at the top and bottom?" I shouted, pointing them
out.

"Those are the heart's four cavities," Elijah explained. "They're called
chambers. The top two are called the atria. The lower ones are called
ventricles. They help the heart beat."

I nodded and looked at the screen. I realized that as the heart was beating,
the top two chambers would narrow at the same time, and then the lower two
would contract in unison. I also saw that a valve separated an atrium form a
ventricle, so blood could flow through it.

"I wonder how blood gets through the body," Elijah mused. "I know that the
heart pumps the blood, but I don't get how."

I looked closer at the screen. "Look," I said, pointing. "See those arteries
going of the screen on the left and right? I think that those go to the
lungs. I'm guessing that blood goes there to get oxygen or something. That
kind of circulation is called pulmonary circulation. It's actually a pretty
short journey. The blood moves from the heart to the lungs, to the heart,
etc."

Elijah stared at me as if I suddenly grew another head. "How did you know
that?"

I shrugged. "I only fall asleep in Health class every other day. I pick up a
few things."

Elijah still looked dazed, but he said, "But you still haven't told me how
the blood moves throughout the body. Can you tell me that, or were you
asleep then?"

"I can show you that too," I said, glad to be showing off to the weird
Dork/Health Boy. "Here, computer, go back to body screen, but only show the
circulatory system organs." The computer obliged, and a second later we were
staring at Marco with a bunch of red and blue lines running through his
body. "Look," I said again, pointing to a large artery by the heart. "The
pulmonary circulation system doesn't exactly just circulate the heart and
the lungs. The blood will also be force into this artery, called the aorta.
The aorta moves all the blood that was just in the lungs around the body.
All those arteries carry blood to all the organs, except for the heart and
lungs. Does that satisfy you?"

Elijah still looked as if a truck had just hit him in the side of the head,
but he didn't make anymore comments. "Okay, then? Where to? And speaking of
which, where are we anyway?"

"We are now moving in one of the pulmonary veins," I replied, quickly
scanning the map screen. "I'm guessing that we'll go to the lungs and get
oxygen. Let's grab a ride in a capillary, seeing as that's on the
requirement sheet. We can disembark to an artery and take various turns to
the places have to go." Of course, there were still some places that
I didn't want to go to, but.

Elijah just stared at me. "You know, just when I think I have you figured
out, you never fail to surprise me."

Paying no attention, I started rummaging through the freezer. "Yeah, well
people can surprise you."

Whoosh!

Suddenly, we were traveling quickly in the vein again, with the weird blue
blood cells. Strangely enough, it . I felt my forehead. Maybe I'm
coming down with a cold, I though. I sure am having weird thoughts. Trying
to keep my mind off of outlandish thoughts, I suddenly thought of something.

"Hey, Elijah? I know this is gonna be stupid, but I have a question."

Elijah turned and looked at me seriously. "No question is stupid, Da-"

"Watch it!" I yelled lunging for the steering wheel. In the nick of time, I
stopped the sub from colliding from the vein walls. "Hey listen, Dork Boy,"
I said angrily. "Next time I ask you a question, just drive and answer,
okay? No need to turn around and give me a lecture. We are trying to make it
through Marco's body without killing us or him. If we had been in the brain,
we'd be plastered on the wall and he'd be a couple IQ points short. So next
time, just drive."

Grumbling, Elijah turned back to the controls. After a while, he spoke
again. "What was your question?"

"Ah wah wahduhing."I started with a mouth full of chips. "Way a segun."
Quickly, I finished my mouthful. "Well, I was wondering, blood is like a
really big part in our journey so far. You know, it's big, it's red, and it
helps us I was thinking, what does blood really do?"

"Well," Elijah began, "blood isn't just red liquid, as I'm sure you've
figured out by now. It's made of a bunch of red blood cells, white blood
cells, and a bunch of other stuff. To put it in a nutshell, blood is the
thing that carries oxygen through your body."

"Is that it?" I asked, dumbfounded. Gee, for a little thing like that, blood
seemed overrated!

"No, that's not all," Elijah replied. "But right now we need to catch a
capillary. Can you check on the map for me? I'm not sure whether you're
supposed to turn at the next right or the next left."

I scanned the map, but I had absolutely no idea what left of right he was
talking about. "Umm.."

"Quick! I'm coming towards a fork! Left or right???"

"!" I yelled, having no idea what to look for.

Quickly, Elijah veered left. Immediately, the tunnel we were traveling in
narrowed a lot. Whew, I thought. At least I guessed right. Now let's hope
that Elijah and I won't get claustrophobic.

"All right, this is going to be tough," Elijah said. "These capillaries are
extremely thin. This will be difficult if we want to get through this
without injuring anyone. Okay?"

"Fine," I replied, looking out of the submarine windows. Only then did I
realize that the capillary walls were barely wide enough to let us through.
Then I remembered what we were talking about before. "Elijah, you still
haven't finished telling me how the blood works and everything."

"Oh yeah," Elijah replied, his eyes fixed on the steering wheel. "You see,
you know that blood carries oxygen, but it caries carbon dioxide as well,
taking it to the lungs to get out. In fact, it uses the capillaries as a
means to travel to the lungs. If we had a better view, you could see bits of
carbon dioxide and waste materials floating around. In fact, that's another
function of the heart, and also the capillary. It's to carry waste materials
from other cells and to remove it. And blood carries nutrients from the
digestive system to body cells, as to give them energy. Oh, yeah, and it can
fight infections. If you get sick and stuff, your blood helps you battle the
germs. That's why we have all those white blob things. And-"

I cut him off. "Whoa, whoa, a simple blood does blah would've been fine. You
've told me way more than I ever want to know."

Elijah continued on as if he hadn't heard me. "Blood actually has many many
uses. But there are a few main ones. Did I miss any?"

Trying to block him out, I buried myself in the map. "Hey, hold up, we got
an artery comin' up! Brace yourself!"

Swinging abruptly into the artery, we suddenly slowed down. However,
Blabbermouth Elijah continued talking. "And as you see on your left, blood
is made up of many things, such as red blood cells, which carry carbon
dioxide from cells to lungs, white blood cells, which fight infection, and
platelets, which help clot blood when you're bleeding. And so, white blood
cells are very important when fighting infections in the body. Did you know
that if placed end to end, your body's blood vessels will measure about
62,000 miles?"

"Elijah," I said impatiently. "Not only do you sound like one of those ditzy
tour guides, but you supply me with info that I never want to come across.
And by the way, I still don't really know how the capillary works. We were
in and out so fast."

Elijah raised an eyebrow at me. "I though you said these were things you
never wanted to come across."

I nearly blew my top. "Elijah, have you forgotten that this is a science
project here, and not a joyride? Trust me, if I had a choice, I would be on
the Internet, okay? Instead, I have to be dragged in a weird submarine,
shrunk 10,000 times my normal size, and, oh my god, what is that stuff???" I
stared outside the submarine window in disgust. The artery walls were lined
with..white, transparent stuff that looked really nasty.

Elijah looked outside. "Oh, that's just fat," he said casually, as if he saw
it everyday. "Because Marco seems to have an eating problem, the artery
walls are lined with fat. As you noticed before we entered his body, he
often eats foods that are high in cholesterol and fats. So, as a result,
his arteries get clogged, making it more difficult for the blood to travel
through. Hmm. This is also kind of bad, because this artery is so close to
the heart. If this gets clogged completely, or if other main arteries get
clogged completely, Marco could get a heart attack. We should warn him about
this. We could accomplish something very important."

"Yeah, sure," I said sarcastically. "We just call him up and say, 'hey,
Marco? We were just inside your body and we saw that your arteries were
clogged. You should stop eating fat foods or you'll get a heart attack.
Thank you. Bye'" I rolled my eyes. "The only thing that would accomplish
would be a trip to the mental asylum. And I would rather keep my sanity,
thank you very much." Muttering, I turned away and started raiding the
freezer again. Unfortunately, before I could do that, Elijah pulled me away
and said, "You know, this would be a good time to take our first hands-on
lesson."

"What?" I said.

Chapter three

"Hands-on lesson," I grumbled, pulled on my elastic suit. "Hands-on lesson,
what a laugh. Who wants to go to a stupid trip outside, where we could get
swallowed by those white blood cells. Hands-on lesson. I give Elijah a
hands-on lesson. I'll put my hands-on and toss him right out of the sub.
Hands-on."

"You have nothing to worry about," Elijah was saying. "We're small enough so
that the white blood cells won't think that we're a threat to Marco's body.
We'll be perfectly safe. Now are you ready?"

"No," I said.

"All right, that's great. Here, I'll go down the hatch first. If there's any
emergency, we just have to swim into the sub and take off." Elijah slid down
the hatch, and as far as I could see, into the blood. Here goes nothing, I
thought, sliding down.

When my foot touched the blood, my whole body went cold. Hey, at least I don
't have to swim in this in my regular clothes, I thought, checking to see
that my oxygen tank was working. Or else Mom would think I murdered
somebody. I swam to catch up with Elijah, who was scraping away at the fatty
stuff.

"What are you doing?" I asked incredulously. "Are you trying to kill Marco
or something?"

"I want you to see something," Elijah replied. "And press your anchor
button. You're gonna drift away if you're not careful."

Only then did I notice that I was being pushed along by the blood current.
Hastily I swam over to Elijah again and pressed my anchor button. By then he
had finished digging through all the fat. (Which seriously grossed me out.)
Now I could see a long red line of something.

"Here, feel this," Elijah said, nearly ripping my arm out of its socket.
"This is the artery muscle. Notice how it feels kind of like elastic."

"Yeah, great," I mumbled. "This is so overwhelming, Elijah. A wall of smooth
muscle. You can't get better that that." Then, before I could come up with
any other smart remarks, Elijah and I were suddenly traveling in the blood
stream again.

"What's happening?" I exclaimed. "Did the ship suddenly malfunction or
something?"

Elijah shook his head. "No, I don't think so. Marco must be doing something
that is requiring faster blood flow. We have to get back to the ship."

Quickly, we swam back. Or rather, attempted to. Have you ever tried swimming
against an ocean current? Believe me, it's hard. Finally, we reached the
ship, threw open the hatch, and collapsed on the floor panting.

Elijah was the first to get up and peel of his body suit. "Okay, throw these
in the dryer," he said, making a hole appear from one of the walls. "It'll
clean the suits and return them to the closet. I need to figure out what's
happening." He bound to the controls and started typing furiously.

As for me, I just lay on the floor like a lazy bum, being too tired to move.
Instead, I just listened to Elijah mutter, "Okay, system malfunction, no,
what going on, here, hmm, let's see. Oh wait! Here we go! Dave, come over
here!"

Grumbling, I slowly got up and lumbered over to the controls. "What?" I said
grumpily.

Elijah indicated to the screen to his left. It showed a picture of Marco
huffing and puffing. Or, in other words, running. "Marco is exercising, as
you see. And because his body needs oxygen to keep it up, blood is traveling
faster to where it needs to go. So instead of its normal speed of just going
to the organs, blood rushes faster to places such as the muscles."

"Wait," I said, confused. "But doesn't the blood need to go the other places
in the body too?"

"Well, yeah," Elijah said. "But because Marco's exercising changes the
normal routine, the circulatory system adapts and is able to respond to the
changing demands. And by adapting, the circulatory system is able to move
substances and nutrients around the body, where they're needed."

"So you mean that it's the arteries that move around the blood in the body?"
I said. "This is all too confusing for me."

"Well, basically, yes," Elijah replied. "It's the arteries that move blood
away from the heart. And so," he said, looking at our assignment sheet,
"that just about covers our research of the circulatory system. Not bad. We'
ve covered it all in less than two hours."

"Astounding," I said dryly. "Where to next?"

Elijah glanced down. "We need to travel to the skeletal system to make some
observations, and then we'll go to the-"

"Yeah yeah yeah, okay," I interrupted, trying no the think of where we had
to go after the skeletal system. "How are we going to get the skeletal
system from the circulatory? What are we gonna do, make a hole through the
artery? Just go about 180mph and ram through?"

Elijah looked thoughtful. "You know, that could be a possibility. We are
small enough to ram through and not make too serious an indentation.
However, there is a chance that we could barge through the wrong place, and
Marco could die from an internal injury."

"Oh, wonderful," I said sarcastically. "Here's an original gravestone.
'Marco Landing died January 20, 2003. Killed by two idiotic classmates who
were traveling in his body when they killed him by ramming a hole in his
artery.' Poor Marco. Died on Martin Luther King's Day and missed all the
reception refreshments."

Elijah acted as if he hadn't heard me. "And since that could be dangerous to
all of us, we better get this ship to Absorb mode, though that's still quite
risk high."

I had been looking at the map, trying to figure out how on earth we'd be
able to get to the right bone when Elijah's words jerked me out of my
thoughts. "Absorb?" I exclaimed. "What are we gonna do, become part of a
capillary or something?"

"You'll find out soon enough," Elijah replied, jamming the navigation gears
so we shot off. Driving like a drunk, Elijah raced around until he finally
spotted a capillary opening. At the last possible second, Elijah turned
sharply, making me slam into the wall headfirst. Weakly, I hobbled over to
my seat and collapsed into my chair.

"Okay, this'll take a bit of a trick here," Elijah mused. "I'm going to need
to keep the transparency level exactly at the right percentage. I also have
to keep the ship anchored and not shut down everything. Dave, you ready?"

"Terrific," I grumbled. "Look out, everyone. Dork King is about to
accomplish what has never been done before, accompanied by his sidekick who
just lost half his brain. What a déjà vu of the 'Fantastic Voyage."

"Shut up and just take over the navigation controls," Elijah replied, his
eyes glued on the screen. "One mistake and we could get stuck permanently in
the capillary walls."

"This is getting better and better," I said dryly, resisting the urge to
shoot the shoot forward at full throttle. "Don't change the channel, ladies
and gentlemen. Wait until you see Half-Brain and Dorkus become a capillary."

"Would you stop pretending that we're a television show?" Elijah complained.
"Some of us are focused on getting through this in one piece."

Click click click tappety tap tap.

"*Beep* All systems activated," a voice sounded. "Please prepare for
dematerializing."

"Now, don't be alarmed, Dave," Elijah said, typing furiously. In order to
pass through a capillary, we need to, er, become less dense, if you think of
it that way. Just slowly nudge the ship so it just touches the artery wall."

"Less dense?" I said warily. "Why do I think that I'm not going to like
this?"

"Well, you see, passing through an artery is rather difficult if we have as
much mass as we do now. The process of losing all unnecessary ship and body
mass has begun, and soon we'll be rather, ah, transparent. We'll be absorbed
into the artery wall any minute now."

"What???" I yelled, nearly ripping off the gear lever. "Look, I don't think
going around weighing less than 1/100th of an ounce is too appealing, okay?
Having people being able to see through you is not the greatest thing that
could happen, okay? And so I think I'll turn everything back to normal,
okay?" I started to reach for the keyboard, but Elijah caught my arm before
I could do anything.

"Listen to me, Dave. I know you're a little freaked out right now, but
relax," Elijah said. "I know becoming transparent isn't something that
happens everyday, but just bear with me here. Our body mass will all turn
back to normal after we get into the skeletal system. We're already
beginning the absorption process, so just chill."

I don't know what was weirder, seeing Elijah acting like a babysitter or
watching you body become part of a capillary wall. All of the sudden.

Blood! Red, rich blood! Ah, to carry nutrients to the vital organs! What
bliss! What happiness!

"*Beep* absorption processes completed."

I shook myself, and then I happily noticed that I wasn't transparent
anymore. Now that was totally weird, I thought. Since when did I like blood?
What is wrong with me? Then, I had another thought. What if, in the second
that the capillary wall had merged with me, I had become the capillary wall?
I shuddered involuntarily. The thought of capillaries and arteries having
minds seriously creeped me out.

Then, I suddenly realized that my surroundings were different. Our sub was
on a ..well, a white tannish thing. In fact, I suddenly put two and two
together, and.

"Welcome," Elijah said proudly, "to the skeletal system."

Chapter four

"Well, this is surprising," I said. "I thought that we'd end up inside the
bone or something. Doesn't the marrow produce blood vessels or something?"

"Well, there are arteries in and outside the bone," Elijah explained. "But
outside is better, because if we were inside, we probably wouldn't be able
to get out. Besides, outside is better for observations."

"Observations?"

"You know how we need to figure out some stuff, like how the skeletal system
works, and what it does. Stuff like that. Hey, at least we don't have to
wear suits again. All we have to do is have a cord tied around us that's
attached to the ship so we don't fall off. And wear these suction boots, in
case Marco moves his arm."

"This is just terrific," I grumbled sarcastically, as Elijah opened the
hatch and we slid through. "Instead of just being home researching like any
normal kid, I get to walk on a real live bone! This is a chance of a
lifetime, boys and girls. Just call Elijah and have him take you on a trip
to become a capillary wall."

"Stop complaining, Dave," Elijah said. "You have to admit, this is so much
more interesting than just researching. You're learning so many more things
that you wouldn't have learned if you were at home."

"Of course, like I've learned never to get a car when you're driving.
And-aaa! What is this stuff???" I had just walked smack-dab into something
that looked like a long striped red rope.

"You've just walked into Marco's bicep," Elijah said, choking with laughter.
"Surprisingly enough, skeletal muscles are actually attached to the bone.
And-Whoa!"

Suddenly, the bone we were standing on started to move, make sure you
suction boots are functioning correctly!" Elijah yelled. "Don't fall off
this bone, or I'll never be able to find you again."

I would've come up with a smart remark, but the astounding sight suddenly
overwhelmed me. We don't think anything of everyday body functions, I
thought. And we sure don't give any credit for it. It was amazing how as
the bone moved up, the biceps muscle contracted. The bone kept moving up,
up, up until it was vertical and I seemed to be standing at a 90 degree
angle. After a few seconds, the bone came down again, and the biceps muscle
began to relax.

I could've stayed on the bone for hours watching its actions, but Elijah
soon dragged me back to the ship. "Looks like someone has a new view about
things," he smirked. I knew he was going to gloat about it, but I was still
in a daze.

Elijah immediately went back to the control pad. I followed him, wondering
what on earth could be so interesting. After a few minutes of typing, the
screen turned on again, and it showed Marco opening some Doritos.

"That explains it," Elijah said. "When the bone moved, Marco must've reached
up and grabbed that bag of Doritos. That's pretty cool, how the skeletal and
muscular system worked together to do that."

"Would that classify as 'producing locomotion necessary to carry out life
functions?" I asked, reading from out assignment sheet. "I mean, food is
necessary for life, right? Would that count? In our oral presentation, we
could just say something like that. Since Marco moved his arm to the food,
the bone and muscle interacted to help perform a life function. Does that
work?"

"I guess so," Elijah replied. "But we still need to find out about bones,
'cuz we don't have a lot of info on it. What do you know about the bone
structure?"

I shrugged. "Not much. I know it's big and white and it's scary on
Halloween. Does that satisfy you?"

Elijah threw up his hands in exasperation. "No, that's no help. We better
ask the question to the map navigation computer." He strode over to the big
moving map of Marco's body and typed on the keyboard, 'What does the
skeletal system do?'

After a few seconds, the map turned smaller and words appeared above it.
"*Beep* The skeletal system has many different functions," the ship voice
said. "However, there are five different major functions. Number one; the
bones give shape to the body. Without it, the human body would look quite
unappealing. Number two; the bones protect vital internal organs, such as
the heart, the lungs, and the brain. Number three; major muscles are
connected with the bone. Bones and muscles wok together to perform life
functions. Number four; Blood cells are formed in the marrow of bones.
Without it, you human body would not work as well. Number five; large
amounts of calcium and phosphorus are stored in the bone. Calcium and
phosphorus are what make the bone strong and hard."

I had nearly fallen asleep after the 3rd function was name, but Elijah just
sat there avidly taking notes. "There," he said, "now we've learned a lot.
Let's travel to the spinal cord for a minute."

"Why?" I asked. "It's not on our assignment sheet. Why bother?"

Elijah shrugged. "Doesn't matter. This is a chance of a lifetime, Dave. I
want to see all the places I can get to."

I yawned. "Whatever. Listen, Elijah, you have fun on your little tour of a
lifetime. I'm taking a nap. Wake me up when , actually, don't wake me
up."

Elijah said. "Listen, Dave, you're going to have to get used to the idea
that we're going to the reproductive system."

I opened an eye from mid-cringe. "Get used to idea? Get used to the idea???
Look, Elijah, if you tell me to get used to it, you're going to get used to
swimming outside with all those stuff." I shuddered. Mr. Mosser
must hate me, I though. Not only does he give me the stupidest kind in the
school as a lab partner, he makes me do the male reproductive system. I
seriously think he's trying to get me to commit suicide. And.

Then, I stopped in mid thought and dropped like a rock into my chair.
Exhaustion had taken over me, and in less than half a second, I was asleep.

~

I sat at the controls, staring out at the blue Martians dismally. My ship
had collapsed during the hour of my greatest need, and now the martians were
coming to suck out my brain. As they had done with the rest of the human
race. I was doomed.

A martian suddenly appeared in my ship. Surprisingly enough, he wasn't blue
like the others. His skin color .

The Martian turned to me. Strangely, he reminded me of someone. "Dave?" it
said. "Dave?"

Weird, I thought. How does it know my name?

"Dave? David, can you hear me?"

I abruptly jerked out of my dreams and found Elijah's buggy eyes two inches
away from my face. My first instinct was to swat him, but I stopped myself
in time. My second instinct was to think, so that's the alien. His skin wasn
't Hawaiian looking. It was just Elijah's stupid luau shirt. Finally, I
noticed the anxious look on his face and realized something was wrong. "I
know you didn't wake me up to tell me that we're going to the reproductive
system, Elijah," I said. "So what's up?"

Elijah shuffled around and tried to act casual. "Well, I made my trip to the
spinal cord, and it was really interesting. I went outside the ship and
started climbing it. Then suddenly, I felt this tremor, and .well, something
happened, but I can't explain it. It was like a thought or something, but it
was way too complex for me to comprehend. So anyway, I learned that the
skeletal and the muscular system are directed by the nervous system. Can you
believe that it takes three different systems to accomplish something simple
like moving an arm? Heh heh. Isn't that cool?"

I was about to say something, but I suddenly noticed that the lights were
out. (Hey, I was half asleep, okay? Give me a break.) "Um, Elijah, did you,
like, turn off the power to save energy or something?"

I heard a click, and suddenly a flashlight switched on. It illuminated
Elijah's face, making it seem even more anxious then ever. "What's wrong?" I
said.

Elijah looked more serious than ever. "The power's out," he said. "Marco's
had a heart attack."

Chapter five

I stood in shock for a few seconds, and started to sit down. However, being
in the dark, I missed the chair and fell on the floor. Then, I just sat
there for a few minutes. Finally, I came out of my daze and said, "So what
are we going to do about it?"

Elijah shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. We're located in an artery right
now. I was going to wake you up when everything started going all weird, and
then suddenly the power went out. I tried all of the controls, but none of
them work. So I went outside, and I realized that the arteries are
completely clogged. We're in an artery that's branched off the left
ventricle, and I don't know whether anything else is blocked up. And so that
's about the situation right now."

I put my head in my hands. "So we're basically screwed now?"

"Basically," Elijah said. "The ship is powered off Marco, and without him,
we don't have any power. But there is one option. I have an emergency
generator. However, that can't make us move, and only selected controls
would work. The only think that can make this ship start again is Marco'
, if that's how you say it. He needs to be functioning correctly for
us to function correctly. So the generator really wouldn't help us."

Quickly, I stood up. "Wait," I said. "You might have something here. So the
generator makes only some controls work, but I can't start the ship, right?"

"Yeah," Elijah replied, puzzled.

Then a light bulb flashed over my head (figuratively, I mean.) "That's it!"
I cried. "I've got it! We can activate the generator, and then one us can
swim to the heart and electrocute it to start it again. If it starts working
again, then we all set to go."

"Hmm," Elijah said. "You know, that's not a bad idea. I'll get your suit
out. And I'll probably be able to get some electricity into a prod form the
gener-"

"Wait, wait, wait," I interrupted, holding up my hands. "I don't think I
heard right. What makes you think I'm going? I'm not swimming around cover

"Yes you are," Elijah said calmly, switching on the generator. Immediately,
the lights came on again. "You've done it before, and you'll do it again. I
need to stay here to maintain control of the ship. So that only leaves you."
He handed me my suit. "Now, you better get going. The generator can only run
for an hour. Oh yeah, and the electric prod. Here." Elijah handed me a
see-thru rod that seemed to have sparks running up and down it. "Be careful
with it. If you press a tip, the electricity shoots out the other end.
Careful you don't press a tip when the other end is pointing at you. Also,
it's a one time uses only, so don't shoot it unless you're using it to start
up the heart again. Let's check a few things, and you can be off."

"Excuses, excuses," I grumbled. "'I have to maintain the ship. You can go'.
Now I have to wear this stupid suit again, swimming in fat and blood. Any
second I'm going to see Ms. Frizzle with her Magic School bus or something.
Maybe I really should've stayed home today."

"Okay, here's the deal," Elijah said, carrying a big red tank. "I've checked
on Marco, and he does have a heart attack. His left ventricle and left atria
are both completely clogged, and he's unconscious right now. Judging on how
far away we are right now, it's going to take you about 40 minutes to get to
the heart with this rocket engine. Just press the red button to go, green to
speed up, and blue to stop, remember, if an hour passes before you can
revive the heart, then the generator will lose power and then we'll be
really screwed. So don't screw up okay? If everything goes the way it's
supposed to, I'll meet you in the aorta, and we can finish our trip." He
opened the hatch.

"Well, I'm glad there's so much to look forward to," I muttered, sliding
outside. Immediately, I was surrounded by really gross, really mushy white
stuff. Terrific, I thought. Here's a new TV reality show. 'In the Human Body
'. Let's see how long you last swimming in a pool of fat. Grimacing, I
pressed the red and green button, hoping to get through the fat as quickly
as possible. To my surprise, when I looked back, the fat behind me had
cleared, amazingly.

A voice crackled next to my ear, scaring me out of my wits. "Having fun?"

"Elijah, you moron!" I exclaimed. "You could've told me you had a
communication cable connected to the stupid helmet."

"Bu that would've spoiled the surprise," he snickered. "So how do you like
the rocket? You know, my dad designed this ship especially to explore the
human body. So the engine breaks up the fat into particles tinier than a
molecule. I don't totally get the mechanics and stuff, but isn't it cool?"

"Fantastic," I grumbled. Great, I thought. Now I have to swim to the stupid
heart. Now I have to listen to Elijah yapping in my ear the whole time.

I traveled for a long time, listening to Elijah chatter all the way. (I don'
t remember much about it, but I think it's because I was trying to block out
Elijah's stupid voice.) Finally, I heard, "Hey, you're getting pretty close
to the heart. And right on schedule too, you've got bout 20 minutes left. I
need to check on a lot of stuff, so I'll have to cut connections. See ya
later."

Good riddance, I thought. I thought I'd go deaf from all that talking. As I
kept on swimming, the blood around seemed to be pressing against me more and
more. Elijah had said something about stronger blood pressure around the
heart, but I hadn't had a clue about what he was talking about. I looked
back again at the clean trail that I had left behind. I could see red blood
cells, though they weren't actually red anymore. They were turning a more
purplish-blue color, even darker than the normal red blood cells in the
veins. I could see enormous white blood cells moving around listlessly. I
quickly hurried on, knowing that if oxygen didn't reach the cells soon, they
would start to die. And then Marco, Elijah, and I would be in an even bigger
mess.

I finally forged through the disgusting fat, and I reached the valve that
led to the heart. I couldn't hear the familiar beating that I had become so
used to. The silence was unsettling.

I took off the rocket engine where it floated aimlessly about. But that wasn
't my greatest concern right then. I cautiously removed the electric prod
from my belt, taking care not touch the tips. I then anchored myself so I
could actually walk on the bottom artery wall. I stepped carefully about,
trying to reach the heart without sliding into it. Now I know how surgeons
feel, I thought. One wrong prick and it's light's out for someone. But in
this case, if I fall in the heart when I'm electrocuting it, Marco won't be
the only one who's in trouble.

I got down on my stomach and carefully pointed the prod at Marco's still
heart. Man, if I'm holding a thing that has enough power to revive a thing
about 1000 times bigger than . Well, here goes nothing. I pressed the
end of the electric prod as hard as I could.

The electricity shook my body. I could barely even think. Actually, I was
afraid to think for fear my brain would explode from all the electric
sparks. My vision kept on shaking. The only thing I could focus on was the
white hot sparks flashing from the prod. And.

Suddenly, it was over. The prod was just a simple clear plastic container. I
flopped down in exhaustion. Lying absolutely still, the only thing I could
hear was the crackling of the electric sparks around the heart. Though I
didn't want to, I dragged myself up again. I knew that if I didn't get out
before the heart started pumping again, I'd be practically shattered to
pieces from the movement impact. The ship had been mostly soundproof, but I
wasn't.

I tiredly strapped on the rocket engine and swam to the aorta. There, I just
moved around aimlessly, being safe from the heart beat.

I waited for Elijah for a long time, even after the heart had finally
started up again. Finally, I grew impatient and started to swim with the
moving bloodstream. Ah, who cares about waiting for Elijah? I thought. He
has maps. He has communications. He can reach me if he wants to. So I kept
on swimming, having absolutely no idea where I was going.

Suddenly, I spotted some weird, yellow Y-shaped things floating around.
Weird, I thought. I don't remember Elijah telling me about these things. I
don't remember them being here before.

The yellow things suddenly attached themselves to a red blood cell, and
or something. Soon, the red blood cell became darker, as
it became more oxygen deprived. I watched in horror as the red blood cell
suddenly died. What were those things?

Suddenly, one of the yellow things seemed to turn and look at me. A second
later, a bunch of others did too, and they started zooming after me. I shot
off, with the creatures closely at my tail.

Then, a bunch of big, white circular things appeared in front of me. Even
though the things didn't have faces (even if they did, I wouldn't be able to
tell) they sure looked menacing. And I was really starting to think that
traveling by myself wasn't such a hot idea. Then, when I was trying to get
the green button to go faster, I remembered that they were white blood
cells, made to attack and destroy any foreign particles. Uh-oh. Now I had
things that were trying to kill me behind and in front of me. I feinted and
shot past the white blood cells, and some shot after me. The others stayed
back and started attacking the yellow things, smothering them and digesting
them. But I was more worried about myself for the moment. Though my rocket
engine was fast, the white blood cells were faster. Any second now, I
thought, closing my eyes. Life's been good to me. Mostly.

Suddenly, a hand roughly grabbed my shoulder. "AAA!" I yelled. "These things
have arms!" the arm yanked me and I landed on.a concrete floor?

I opened my eyes and looked around. I was back on the ship. Elijah, as
usual, was at the controls.

"You like the retrieval arm?" he asked, grinning. "I knew that would come in
handy eventually. Okay, now we need to deal with these troublesome white
blood cells. You take over the navigation. I need to reprogram these
things."

"What? Navigation? You were the one who had to maintain the ship. What do
you mean?"

"You need to take over the navigation because we don't have any other choice
right now," Elijah replied. "I need to reprogram the ship. Are you going to
take over the controls or not?"

"Okay, okay, I've got it," I said, grasping the controls. "What do you want
me to do? And what are you doing to the ship?"

Wham!

Suddenly, one of the white blood cells slammed into the ship, rattling it so
hard that Elijah and I sprawled onto the floor. Then, the other white blood
cells got the idea and started too, some starting to spread over the ship.

"Get out of here, fast!" Elijah yelled, swinging over to an open wall panel.
"I'll explain what's going on later! Just dodge the white blood cells!" He
began to type furiously into the panel.

"Okay, then, here goes," I muttered. I slammed down on the gas pedal and
shot forward, with the white blood cells right behind us. Thankfully, the
ship was much faster than I was, and I managed to keep just out of their
reach. "Hey, I'm not the champion of the car racing arcade game for nothing,
you know," I remarked to no one in particular.

Abruptly, the white blood cells stopped chasing us. They seemed to lose
interest and started drifting away. I glanced at Elijah, knowing he had to
have something to do with it. He grinned and said, "Mission accomplished."
Then he took over the controls.

"What was that all about?" I asked. "When we were in the circulatory system
last time, the white blood cells didn't bother us. And what are the yellow
y-shaped things?"

"It's kind of a long story," Elijah admitted. "But I'll tell you it anyway.
You see, my dad programmed this ship so that if we happened to be in the
circulatory system the white blood cells would think what we're just another
white blood cell. Confusing, but it works. However, when Marco's heart
stopped, the power went out and we lost the programming information. And so
now we seemed like a foreign substance, and the white blood cells went after
us."

"Okay, cool," I said. "But what were the yellow things?"

"Those were cold germs," Elijah replied. "You know, it was really a shame
that when Marco's heart stopped, the germs took the opportunity to invade
his body. He was so close to death and coming down with a cold too! Luckily,
his body recognized the disease germs that entered the body and went out to
destroy them. It's too bad he's still unconscious."

"All right then, one last question," I said, folding my arms. "What took you
so long? I was waiting for the longest time, and that's why I ran into those
white blood cells."

"Oh, that," Elijah said, grinning sheepishly. "You see, I had forgotten
about the protective programming and got into some trouble with the white
blood cells myself."

"Okay, so now that's cleared up," I said. "How are we going to get out of
Marco's body?"

Elijah's brow furrowed. "Get out? We haven't even gone to the reproductive
system yet. And you won't be able to get out of it, Dave. You're going to
have to bear it with me."

"No," I said firmly. "Definitely not. I am not going to be in the ship when
we get there. Uh-uh. No way."
Elijah raised an eyebrow at me. "Would you rather have me drop you right
into the bloodstream before we get there, without your suit?"

That changed my mind real fast. "Um," I squeaked. "Maybe I'll come with you
after all."

Chapter six

"Look, Elijah, if I knew my way around this stupid place, you know I'd be
taking you down and getting out of here. You better count your blessings
carefully, boy, cuz as soon as we're out of here, you and I are so duking-"

"Welcome to the male reproductive system," Elijah announced, paying no
attention to my endless ranting. "Now, where are we? We have about five
places to go. Come one, Dave, I need your cooperation here."

I plugged my ears and started singing 'Wansta' as loud as loud as I could.
Anything to drown out Elijah.

When I had finally stopped, Elijah was still talking. ".I know you're
feeling kind of embarrassed about this, but trust me, so am I. now let's
figure out our location." He walked over to the map.

"Excuse me? Embarrassed?" I grumble. "Geez, Elijah, it's just a little thing
call dignity. I'm sure Marco isn't appreciating this."

"Okay, good new," Elijah said, walking back to me. "It's kind of surprising
how we got so far, but this is a good place to start. This place is called
the testes, located in the scrotum. Its main function is to produce sperm
and testosterone, a male sex hormone, during puberty."

Then, right on cue, I looked out the window and saw a long thing that looked
like a snake. I screamed. And then fell off my chair.

"Oh, yes, that's a sperm," Elijah said calmly, as the thing swam away.
"Sperm have a head and a tail. The tail moves the sperm, and the head
contains the DNA information. These are the male sex cells that are
necessary for human reproduction."

"Terrific," I said sarcastically, looking around. Sperm was all around us.
Really not a comforting thing. "Who knew we had snakes in our bodies? Now
can we go?"

"Good idea," Elijah said. "Now let's go to the seminal vesicles." He started
driving again. Soon, we were traveling in a nondescript tunnel. "This is the
sperm duct," he announced. "Also known as the vas deferens, the sperm duct
circles the bladder. Sperm are carried to the seminal vesicles through the
sperm duct."

"Elijah," I said impatiently, "why do you want to go through this if you
already know about everything? Are you trying to get me to commit suicide?"
Then, I caught sight of his face, held up my hands and said, "Don't answer
that."

I walked over to the mini cooler, but I immediately thought about our
destination and lost my appetite right away. After a few minutes, I grew
bored and wandered over to the controls.

"Ah, good timing," Elijah said. "We've just reached the seminal vesicles.
This is a gland behind the bladder. It douses sperm in a fluid that gives
them energy and makes them move."

Splat! Suddenly, a bunch of slimy stuff landed on the windshield. "Like so,"
Elijah said, making a face.

I sighed. "Elijah, being a master tour guide of the male reproductive system
is not a good title to be known as. Now, we please get out and revert to our
normal size?"

"Just a second, just a second!" Elijah replied. "You're so impatient! I
could be making this trip a whole lot longer, you know. I'm just making this
shorter so you'll stop whining. Geez, one would think you didn't like this
trip. Well, time to clean the ship." He started typing at the keyboard.

I rolled my eyes. "Really, how'd you ever guess that?" I walked over to the
moving map and switched on to Marco's surrounding. He was lying on a
stretcher being taken to a hospital room. "Hmm," I thought aloud. "So I
guess they haven't discovered that Marco's heart has started up again."
Then, I switched the map back to Marco's body and just spaced out for a
while.

Suddenly, the tunnel we were traveling in took a sharp turn down, making me
fall flat on my face. "Elijah!" I yelled.

"Oops, sorry." After a few seconds, the ship righted itself again. "I didn't
expect such a steep turn. But now I know our exact location. Have you been
paying attention to our where about? Do you know where we are, Dave?"

"Somewhere I don't want to be, I'll bet," I replied dryly. "But seeing as
there's really one place left, I think I know where we are."]

"That's right," Elijah said cheerfully. "We're in the penis, or more
specifically, the urethra. See the sperm outside?"

"All too well," I grumbled, trying not to look at the drifting sperm. Now
they looked like they were pickled or something. It was unbelievably gross.

"That combination of the sperm and the seminal vesicle fluid is call semen,"
Elijah said. "The urethra is where semen is expelled. You see, because the
urethra is in the penis, the external organ of the reproductive system, they
have basically the same function. In a nutshell, the penis is used for
reproduction and urination. The urethra is the thing that carries the urine
from your body. And-"

I covered his mouth with my hands. "Okay, okay, that's enough. It was okay
in the testes, but right now we're getting way too personal with Marco. I'm
pretty sure he doesn't want us hanging in his balls." I clapped my hand to
my forehead. "Ah, god, I did not mean for that to come out that way."

"Too late now," Elijah snorted. "And get over it, Dave. I'm almost finished
here." Then he switched back to his tour guide voice. "And so, because both
semen and urine leave from the urethra, or penis, the bladder has a muscle
that contracts, so the semen and urine never mix."

"Okay, great," I interrupted before he could go on. "Are you done? Can we
go?"

"Nearly done," Elijah replied, taking his time. "The semen is hanging around
here, though I'm not entirely sure why. Normally, it only comes to the
urethra during sexual activity. But that's not our problem. Let's go." He
turned back to the controls and we zoomed out.

Thank you, Lord, I thought.

~

"Come one, are we out yet? Are we? I really really need to get out." I said,
pacing around restlessly. "You do know that if I stay in one place too long
I get restless, right? I can get claustrophobic, can we Pleeeeeeeease get
out? We've been in this ship for nearly three hours." (I can be a
professional whiner when I want to be.)

"Relax, will you? I'm trying to look for a good opening. And you could be
helping me, instead of whining. You're lucky we didn't get peed out," Elijah
said irratatedly. We had been looking for an opening in the circulatory
system for nearly half an hour and everyone's wits were coming toward an
end. "Why don't you be some help and check on Marco. See how he's coping."

Grumbling, I switched the map to Marco, and I saw him on a table with a
blanket over him. (I also saw two broken tables behind him, and guessed that
Marco's weight had just been too much for them.)

Then, I saw two nurses above him, and suddenly got an idea. "Quick! Elijah!
Go left about 10 ship lengths. Now!" Elijah did so, and I gave him a thumb
up. "Okay, stay there!"

Elijah turned to me with a puzzled look. "Why are we here?"

I grinned. "Because the doctors are about to take a blood sample."

Tssssssssss!

Suddenly, a big clear metallic blade appeared right next to the ship. "Okay,
in!" I yelled. Elijah sped in, and not a moment too soon. The blade quickly
began to rise, until suddenly.

"Aah!" I yelled, shielding my eyes from the blinding light. "Let there not
be light!"

"Don't be such a baby, Dave," Elijah replied. "Your eyes are just used to
the semidarkness in the body. You'll get used to the normal light soon."
Then, jamming the gas lever, we shot out of the blood sample, too small to
be noticed. "Now," Elijah said. "Let's go home."

~

Needless to say, we got home safely. Well, sort of. I mean, how safe can you
get when you're half the size of a capillary?

I'm not entirely sure how we got back without killing ourselves. Actually, I
'm not sure even Elijah knows how we got back. It was sort of like the
computer game Frogger, except with a whole lot more obstacles that could
kill you with a swat of a finger. But, miraculously, we got back alive, and
back to our normal size.

~

I fidgeted in my seat. Where was Elijah? He better not have chickened out,
especially because I didn't know half the words in our report. Besides, I
would have to give my report in about two seconds and I would feel mighty
stupid talking about the male reproductive system by myself. Where was he???

"Okay, Dave Malinger and Elijah Hoffing are up next," Mr. Mosser said.

Oh great, I thought, getting up from my chair. I'm about to become the first
kid who's died while giving a report. Terrific. I looked at my paper, then
out to the class, then back at my paper. Okay, here goes, I though, taking a
deep breath. "The male reproductive system has many parts."

~

I tiredly trudged up the front walk. Never had a school day been so
humiliating. I was ready to go inside and denounce school forever. Then
something caught my eye. It was a video tape, and on top of it was a note:

Hey, Dave. Sorry you had to do the report by yourself. My family got called
away this morning, and I wasn't able to give you notice. I probably won't be
returning. Well, anyway, I hope you enjoyed the whole experience. I managed
to capture the whole thing on tape, so here's a copy to remember it by.
Later-

-Elijah

I stared at the note in dumb shock. My first though was to hunt Elijah down
and kill him. My second thought was to find someplace and burn the video,
regardless to what my parents said about the dying environment. My third
thought, which was usually the most sensible, was to just go inside and
stash the video where no one would ever find it. As usual, I obeyed my third
though and went upstairs. This video will never be seen by human eyes, I
thought. Not if Elijah's life depended on it.

Epilogue

So that's my story. Don't you agree that Elijah is a total freak? I still
don't know where he is. Not that I care, of course, but I just want to know
so I'll be able to get a running start. I have absolutely no doubt he's
somewhere torturing some kid with a trip to the human body.

, he's fine. He's actually losing weight now. I guess the heart
attack taught him a lesson about eating.

So anyway, before I end this, let me give you a tip; if you ever see a
dorky-looking kid with a Hawaiian shirt on, run. And definitely do not look
back.