"Tsuru"
Original fiction by sarcophagus.
Characters, story, and plot belong to me.
Please ask before posting anywhere else.
Comments welcome.. My apologies.
Notes: I wrote this in July of 2002.
I first posted it as ScarletKozi.

chapter five

"I've been to this park before," Tsuru said, glancing over his shoulder at Chitaka, who was following behind.

It was getting colder, and when they spoke their breaths came out as icy white puffs of air. Chitaka tugged his long jacket closer around his body, wishing that he had worn gloves, but he hadn't known that it was going to be so cold. His pace as he followed Tsuru was brisk, trying to keep his legs from freezing up, as they passed through the large, black iron gates of the park and walked inside.

It was a long walk from Chitaka's home, but he had gone there frequently as a child and had assumed that Tsuru would like it. The trees, almost all coniferous, stretched up in perfectly straight lines towards the grayish-white cloudy sky, their dark green bristles protruding. There were a few benches here and there, and some ponds, which were at the moment getting close to becoming frozen over. It was only autumn, but the temperature had dropped significantly in the last week, making it an early winter.

"Have you?" Chitaka asked curiously, following along.

Tsuru nodded and kept walking.

Chitaka eyed him from behind. It was strange, but when he was outside in a place like this, Tsuru seemed so much more... alive. His eyes became less empty and solemn, and he looked less frail than when he was sitting in a small heap on the floor. He had been wiser, and in addition to his favorite long dark red jacket, he was wearing black gloves on his hands to keep them warm. Chitaka supposed to himself silently, in an unconsciously morbid way, that if fingers as thin as Tsuru's froze, one could probably snap them off like icicles.

The two of them seemed like ants beneath the stretching heights of the trees, finding their own paths away from the main ones. Chitaka had never liked to just go on the cleared, foot-worn paths that had been there for so long, and liked to make his own.

"Hey, Tsuru," he began, leaning on a tree as he climbed over a fallen tree trunk.

"Yes?" Tsuru's soft voice answered, now behind him instead of in front, since Chitaka had asked him to follow carefully as he forged a new way for them to go.

"I was on the phone with the hospital again this morning." Chitaka wasn't sure how to say this, and it wasn't a topic that he wanted to discuss. After what they'd said, he'd almost wanted to pretend that he had never answered the phone in the first place. "I told them that you're feeling better, and that your arm doesn't bother you as much anymore. They said that soon it might be time for you to move out of my house, and find another place to stay."

He couldn't help his tone being glum as he spoke about the matter. He didn't want to face up to it. He paused for a moment, after saying the last words, and looked over his shoulder at Tsuru, waiting for a response.

When he stopped, Tsuru did also, leaning on a thick tree next to him for support, on the arm that was not injured. His face and his voice were both blank as he answered simply, "I want to stay with you."

"You do?" Chitaka blinked. "Even if your other choice was being able to go back to your own apartment, where you lived with Keisuke?"

Tsuru looked down now at the frosty ground. "I don't want to go back there."

Chitaka tilted his head, trying to see Tsuru's face, which was hidden behind his hair as it was down-turned. "What? Why not?"

"Too many memories there," Tsuru only offered as a half-sentence response, mumbling as he distractedly picked at the bark of the tree, absorbing himself in its texture. "Don't want to remember."

"Well, don't make a decision right away. Give yourself a little more time to think about it," Chitaka said automatically, without really feeling himself saying it.

After the words left him, he stood there silently, as he watched Tsuru, but the other neither said anything else nor made any move to keep walking. It allowed his mind to wonder, trying to figure out what it was that Tsuru would find painful to try and remember. Everything, he supposed. There had been too much that he and Keisuke had shared, especially in the apartment where they had lived together.

But thinking of that...

'Tsuru wouldn't have... with Keisuke...?'

Abruptly Chitaka's face began to blush, and not because of the cold, as he mentally yelled at himself for being so disrespectful, not to mention perverted. Things like that were probably better left unspoken of. After all, it was Tsuru's private business, whether he and Keisuke had ever had sex. Although, Chitaka couldn't help himself from being curious. Did people like Tsuru... was it even possible for them to do that?

He shook off the thoughts quickly, knowing that it would be a huge mistake to even try to ask Tsuru whether he and Keisuke had done anything like that. It wasn't any of his business.

"I want to show you something," Tsuru said suddenly, interrupting his thoughts.

"What?" Chitaka looked up, but already Tsuru was passing by him, taking the lead again. "Wait, Tsuru, you don't even know where we are. I don't even know where we are. I was... just walking aimlessly."

"Follow me," Tsuru only said over his shoulder, and continued. He seemed to have a sudden sense of where he was and which direction to go, as he moved forward without hesitation and climbed over the roots and slopes faster than Chitaka could even though he tried to keep up better. Soon it became evident that there was a clearing ahead, because cloudy light was shining in through the trees a distance ahead, as though there weren't other trees blocking it.

"Which way...?" Chitaka began to ask, but fell silent, and kept walking.

They reached the end of the clearing, and Tsuru walked out first, but paused, looking expectantly over his shoulder for Chitaka to follow. Apparently Chitaka wasn't going fast enough for him, because impatiently he held out his hand. "Follow me," he said again.

Chitaka blinked, but took ahold of his hand and then struggled to keep up as Tsuru pulled him along. "I've been here with Keisuke."

And suddenly they were on a hill above the banks of a large pond. Most of it was frozen over, glistening under the pale light from behind the clouds, as the dead grass bristled and chipped off around the shore. In the few spots where there wasn't yet ice, the water seemed so dark and cold that it almost looked black. Tsuru brought Chitaka closer, but for some reason hesitated several steps back, just where the banks began to grow slippery and steep.

Chitaka looked all around them, at the picturesque landscape, with wide eyes. "Wow," he could only say after a minute. "Tsuru, this place is... great."

Tsuru only nodded.

"Here, let's go closer to the pond." Chitaka smiled one last time at Tsuru over his shoulder, and then began to edge his way down the banks.

Tsuru stared at him for a long moment, frozen and unable to move. Without looking back, Chitaka continued to go down, making sure to be careful because the ground was slick and difficult to walk on. But in Tsuru's mind, he didn't see that Chitaka was all right. He didn't see that Chitaka had the sense to be cautious on his way down. Suddenly he was filled with a sense of panic, only able to register that Chitaka was approaching the water.

Suddenly, losing control of his ability to stifle the scream that rose out of him, he began to rush down the banks after Chitaka. "W-Wait!"

I see Chitaka every day now. It isn't really surprising anymore, because I'm getting used to him. I live in his house, and he's always there taking care of me. He's not like other people... Even when I stay silent and try to block him out, he just sits there next to me and waits for me to recognize him. And when I can't, he understands and he goes away.

At first it was annoying, upsetting, distressing. I didn't want him to understand, and I didn't want him near me. I was happy to watch him at a safe distance, but he kept coming closer again and trying to get into my world. I usually hate it when people intrude into my world. But Chitaka...

Only one other person has ever made it in before. My mother almost did. She tried very hard, and I wanted her to live in my world with me, but she couldn't. The only person who really did was Keisuke.

I remember in the beginning, when I didn't want Keisuke either. When he...

My heart hurts so much sometimes.

He's gone.

Chitaka looks at me so worriedly when we talk about Keisuke. We don't, most of the time, but sometimes he wants to know things or I want to tell him things, and we talk about him. Chitaka always seems to think that he's hurting me when he asks me questions about Keisuke, or when he even mentions Keisuke's name.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll forget Keisuke. I've forgotten so many people, I can't help it. I know I'm different, and that's why I forget. Other people can remember, but their faces all fade away in my mind and they disappear.

I don't want Keisuke to disappear. But...

His face and Chitaka's face are sometimes hard to tell apart when I think about them. They don't look alike, but sometimes I turn to Chitaka and start to talk to him as though he's Keisuke. I don't like that. I want Chitaka to be Chitaka, and Keisuke to be Keisuke. I don't want Keisuke to be gone, but... he is... even though I keep thinking that he's still here, waiting for me, somewhere. I don't know where. Everything is so strange sometimes. The light is always hazy and it's hard to see. It's not my vision, it's just me. I'm just like this. Different.

Chitaka smiles differently than Keisuke. Keisuke always had a happy, bright smile. But even Chitaka's happy smiles look sad. He told me his mother was dead, so maybe it's because he's still missing her. I can understand that.

Even though he's sad, he always tries to make me happy. Buying me things and making sure I'm comfortable, talking to me when I feel like crying, and when I can't sleep he sits in my room and tells me stories. Sometimes I think that I'm happy, when I'm with him.

Why am I thinking about this? Where am I?

I'm in my world again. I come here very often. My body is somewhere else but my mind is right here. I like it here better a lot of the time, because no one else can come here and bother me, since they don't understand. Right now I don't see anything but light, like a big, puffy, white world with little, swirly clouds around me. I'm all alone, and I like it here. Even though sometimes I don't want to be alone anymore. I've been thinking that a lot lately.

But I'm afraid. I'm so afraid, and I don't know why-something happened and that's why I'm here. That's why I can't see anymore. All I can do is feel the fear again. Like I did when I was losing Keisuke. The water, that cold water-Chitaka is too close to it-he'll fall in. He'll disappear. Like Keisuke...

Chitaka... I don't want to lose him... not like I lost Keisuke...

Chitaka stared down at the terrified face beneath him, seeing that familiar glaze over the huge, dark brown eyes and knowing that Tsuru couldn't see him in return. Tsuru was somewhere else again, distant, even though his right hand was like a vice as it clutched the back of Chitaka's neck, leaning against him, and his left fingers were tightly grasping his sleeve.

"Tsuru... What is it? What's wrong?"

Tsuru's body was trembling against him, as they stood there at the bottom of the slope, the ice of the pond only a few inches away from their feet. His lips were slightly parted, breath escaping rapidly, even though the rest of him was locked frozen and unable to move. Chitaka held him carefully, patting his cheek, trying to rouse him.

"Tsuru! Tsuru, what's wrong?"

Suddenly Tsuru gasped, coughing slightly, and blinked his eyes quickly, moisture coming to them because they had been growing dry while open so long. He looked around rapidly, grasping Chitaka tighter for support, and spotted the pond so close to them.

"No!" Suddenly he screamed and buried his face in Chitaka's shoulder, pushing him backwards, frantically trying to pull the both of them away from the ice. "Get away!"

Chitaka struggled to restrain him, wrapping his arms around him tightly and looking down at him. "Tsuru, stop it! Are you all right?"

"The water! Get away!" Tsuru burst out, nearly incoherently, staring up at him with panic in his eyes. Tears of terror were welling up, overflowing and spilling down his cheeks without him even noticing.

"What?" Chitaka frowned. "I don't understand."

"You'll fall in! You'll drown!"

Tsuru continued to push him, and Chitaka almost managed to subdue him, but when he took an unconscious step backwards, he walked accidentally on a patch of ice on the slope. Losing his balance, his knees buckled and he fell down, and a shriek came out of Tsuru, who fell down with him because he refused to let go. Chitaka kept his arms firmly around Tsuru like a cage as they slid downwards, and by driving his foot into the hard ground just near the edge of the pond, he managed to stop them before they went out onto the ice.

They both remained still like that for a moment, grasping each other, Tsuru's face having disappeared against Chitaka's chest. Both of them were breathing heavily, and finally Chitaka inhaled deeply, getting some air. He stroked Tsuru's hair with his nearly-numb fingers.

"Tsuru? Tsuru, it's okay. We're all right."

Slowly, Tsuru pulled backwards enough to lift his face from Chitaka's chest, and he looked around. He saw the ice nearby and gasped slightly, but didn't panic again, only inched closer to Chitaka. His eyes remained riveted to the ice, piercing through the surface, able to see the cold water churning below. Once again, his right hand, the uninjured one, became strong as it gripped Chitaka's jacket, and only the fingers of his left hand were able to cling.

"Ch... Chitaka..." Another tear slipped down.

Chitaka held him closer. "It's okay. We don't have to go any nearer to it than this if you don't want to."

Tsuru collapsed against him, clutching. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

Chitaka's eyes widened. "Don't apologize, Tsuru! It's fine. I'm just glad that you're all right. You worried me when you ran after me like that... when you wouldn't say anything."

Tsuru was silent. Then he whispered something else, too quiet to hear.

"What?"

"Why am I this way?" Tsuru was shivering slightly, from being so close to the cold ground, but he didn't seem to have any intention to move.

Chitaka swallowed, feeling his heart ache. "I don't know."

"I'm different."

Chitaka could only nod, even though Tsuru wasn't looking at him anymore, but had leaned his head against his shoulder and was staring over at the sky, instead of the water. Since Tsuru didn't say anything else, Chitaka dared to ask a question. "What is it like... being the way you are?"

Tsuru sniffled and wiped his eyes with his fingers. "No one understands what I think. They don't see what I see."

Chitaka nodded again.

Tsuru's eyes scanned the area around them, and finally focused on something in the distance, just as a cold breeze swept by. He lifted his hand and pointed in that direction. "Look over there. Do you see that tree?"

Chitaka glanced up, and his eyes settled on a large deciduous tree, most of the leaves of which had turned a copper color and were on the verge of falling. "Yes."

"Do you see the leaves dancing with each other?"

Chitaka stared long and hard at the tree. The request from Tsuru almost sounded silly, something that he wasn't sure whether to take seriously. But no matter how hard he looked, he couldn't see the leaves actually "dancing," only their movement itself, as another breeze made itself known. "I just see the wind blowing," he said quietly, looking down at Tsuru.

"That's what I mean," Tsuru said softly.

Chitaka could only barely try to sympathize with what Tsuru must have felt like. He had never been placed in a position like this, himself. "Is it hard... seeing things that no one else understands?"

Tsuru paused, biting on his lip, bringing some color to the pale flesh.

Chitaka almost thought twice about asking. But then Tsuru spoke again, very quietly.

"It's like having a lot of secrets, that you can't tell anyone. You can see things that are magical, but things that are... are also bad. And it's not good, being like this. It's like you know everything about the world, and everyone else knows nothing-and you want to share them, these secrets, with the ones that you care about, but either they don't want to hear them, or they can't hear them."

Chitaka, stunned, didn't say anything. 'And all this time I've thought that you were the one who couldn't hear me.'

Tsuru leaned down against Chitaka's shoulder again, closing his eyes tightly, and pulling some of his long hair over his shoulder so that he could play with the ends of it-something to focus on, to help him with the stress.

Chitaka found his voice. "I... I want to know your secrets, Tsuru."

Tsuru made a small noise that sounded almost like a choked sob. He tensed against Chitaka's body, but finally lifted his head, gazing up at him with wet, pleading eyes. "But can you understand? Can you understand me?"

Lost, Chitaka stared back down at him, feeling vulnerable. "Yes. I mean, I want to. I'm trying, Tsuru."

Tsuru said nothing.

*

"You beat me at this game every time," Chitaka laughed, shaking his head.

Tsuru was smiling as he reorganized his pieces on his side of the chess board, but he said nothing.

Chitaka never ceased to be amazed by Tsuru's intelligence. It seemed that he could always predict which move Chitaka was going to make, and was always able to move so that Chitaka was trapped on the board with no option to fight.

Chitaka played the game as much to watch Tsuru as he did to enjoy himself. It was fascinating, seeing Tsuru the way he was when he was playing. He would sit there utterly silent and motionless, his large eyes fixed thoughtfully upon the board, darting from piece to piece as he calculated a move. It had begun to snow outside, so they were playing on the table over the heater, but Tsuru was always cold, so he was bundled up in several of Chitaka's shirts, the sleeves of which were slightly too long for him. His cast still showed beneath the left sleeves. And sometimes Chitaka would reach out and push Tsuru's hair out of his way, although he never seemed to care even if his face was completely invisible behind the shroud of dark brown. He could see through it.

"Your arm doesn't bother you at all anymore, does it?" Chitaka asked curiously, making the first move of their new game.

Tsuru was silent, so Chitaka waited. Finally Tsuru moved his own piece and then responded, "No, it's all better."

"Really?"

Tsuru nodded. "The cast is just in my way."

Chitaka also nodded, but said nothing. He pretended to be trying to think of what move on the chess board to make, but really his mind was racing. If Tsuru's arm was all better, and if his mind had recovered significantly since the accident, the hospital would be bothering him again about having Tsuru find a new place to go. They consistently apologized, saying they were sorry for Chitaka having to deal with Tsuru-and Chitaka didn't know how to say that he didn't want Tsuru to leave.

The phone rang. Chitaka winced, knowing who it would be. Tsuru flinched and looked up. "The phone."

Chitaka finally sighed and got up. "I'll get it. It's your turn anyway."

He walked out of the room, shivering slightly. It was really getting cold. He wrapped his arms around himself and paused by the phone in the kitchen, sitting down on the stool and picking it up. "Hello?"

A moment later, he swallowed. "Yes, this is he," he said softly.

Several minutes later, he hung up the phone, hearing the little echoing dingle as he set it back in the cradle again. He stared intensely at it for a long, long moment, wishing that he could pick it up and hurl it out the window. He felt lost and confused, not knowing what to do.

He had to talk to Tsuru about it. After all, that woman on the phone-from the hospital-had told him that it was all dependent on Tsuru's decision.

Slowly he pulled himself off the stool and walked down the hallway again, standing in the doorway of the main room. Leaning on the doorframe, he sighed, seeing Tsuru gazing up at him as he sat there in front of the chessboard. The first time they'd played, Chitaka had jokingly accused Tsuru of cheating when his back was turned by moving the pieces, but Tsuru had taken the accusation seriously and had begun to cry. Therefore, Chitaka didn't bother making the joke this time.

"Tsuru..."

Tsuru nodded attentively.

"I need to talk to you about something."

Apparently sensing the seriousness of the topic, Tsuru silently pushed himself back from the table and then rose to his feet, coming over to Chitaka. He stood in front of him with slightly concerned eyes, arms folded against his body. He didn't say anything, only waited, listening.

Chitaka hesitated. "That was the hospital on the phone again."

Tsuru nodded.

"I told them what you've been telling me-about how your arm is much better and you've really improved since the accident."

Tsuru nodded.

"Well, they... they said that you're supposed to move out." Chitaka swallowed, and leaned his head on the arm that he had propped himself against on the doorframe with a sigh. "They said that once you're completely healed, they have to find a place for you to stay, like a facility or a home or something like that, because you don't have any relatives to take care of you."

There was a little crease now between Tsuru's eyebrows, and his fingers were toying with his sleeve, but he said nothing.

"Listen, Tsuru... I don't want you to go." Chitaka managed a little smile.

Tsuru blinked slowly and then looked up at him. "You don't?"

"No. I mean, in the beginning I was thinking that maybe it would be best for you to move out eventually. Because I didn't know you, and you didn't know me. And I figured that you wouldn't be happy living with a total stranger." He tried to think of an appropriate explanation. "But... you know... we've been getting along really well, haven't we? And I really like having you here. It's better than living alone."

Tsuru stared up at him, apparently absorbing all of this intensely, trying to make sense of it.

Chitaka paused. "But it's not about what I want. It's about you." He continued, frowning slightly, "The hospital says that if you really think you're okay by yourself, then they have to honor your wishes. Do you think that you would be able to take care of yourself now? On your own, in a place of your own, even if it wasn't your apartment with Keisuke?"

Tsuru swallowed, unsure. "Umm..."

"I wouldn't be asking you," Chitaka said quietly, pressing him, "but we need to figure out what to do now. The hospital wants to know what to do with you. If you can't live on your own, and if you don't have any one person that you want to live with, then they have to find a separate place for you to stay. Where you could be with other people, like... like you." That sounded bad, but there was no way of rephrasing it.

Tsuru looked away and said nothing.

Chitaka leaned off of the doorframe and moved forward, placing his hands on Tsuru's shoulders and biting his lip, gazing down at him. Finally Tsuru seemed to blink and look back up at him again, unable to avoid him. But he looked down almost immediately, trying to shy backwards or hide in his hair as he typically did, even though Chitaka continually tried to meet his eyes.

Finally, Tsuru said, softly and weakly, "I don't want to be alone."

Chitaka's eyebrows lifted a bit.

"I... I can't stand being alone." Tsuru's voice was a bit choked. "I want to live with you."

"What?" Chitaka's eyes widened.

"I've never really been alone before... because I was with my mother, and then I was with Keisuke. I don't know how to be alone. I don't think I could do it. It's hard enough when I'm with people, let alone by myself." Saying so many words at once appeared to take its toll on him, and he stopped, inhaling a few deep breaths of air.

Chitaka's fingers tensed on Tsuru's shoulders accidentally, as he finally said, "But I don't just want to be a substitute for Keisuke, or for your mother. Just a hired hand from the hospital, or someone who takes care of you because I have to."

Tsuru's eyes widened, and his expression turned childlike and surprised, as he shook his head quickly. "No, it's not like that."

In the back of his mind, Chitaka was amazed. Tsuru had never said anything like this to him before. He had certainly never been quite this open, honest, and direct about his feelings. Chitaka gazed down almost in disbelief at the thin figure standing half-uncomfortably and half-dazedly in front of him. The expression on Tsuru's face seemed almost sad... and Chitaka blinked quickly, wondering whether the expression would disappear as his own illusion.

"Really?"

"Yes." Tsuru gazed down at the floor, perhaps too afraid to meet Chitaka's eyes.

Although he had considered himself foolish at the time, Chitaka had been thinking for days and even weeks about Tsuru, about having this type of conversation with him. He had wondered what it would be like to try to talk to Tsuru about the way he felt for him, asking whether Tsuru felt the same in return. Apparently such a thing was possible, if Tsuru had felt that way for Keisuke, and sometimes Chitaka had almost wondered if he had nothing to worry about, the careless way that Tsuru would let him touch him, when he would almost scream brushing arms with a stranger on the street. Chitaka wondered, had his mind's questioning and fantasies been ridiculous? He was starting to realize how difficult it was to even try and open his mouth, to say a simple word about his feelings and why he wanted Tsuru to stay.

Tsuru was standing motionless, staring down at Chitaka's feet, but he seemed to be stiff and awkward, as though he was frustrated with himself for being unable to say anything.

Finally Chitaka found words. "Tsuru... do you know about... about Keisuke?"

Tsuru flinched. Then he nodded, closing his eyes. "Keisuke is dead," he whispered.

Chitaka stared at him, his hands nearly falling away from Tsuru's shoulders in his surprise. After weeks of denying it, of stubbornly insisting that Keisuke was alive somewhere, was Tsuru finally beginning to accept it? Had he known it all along, and had just been afraid to believe it?

Stunned, Chitaka could only say, "Then you do know..."

Tsuru nodded again. "I know."

"But..." Chitaka broke off.

Tsuru was silent again, but finally he brought his eyes up, even though they wavered as they fixed on Chitaka's face. "My world is different than yours," he said softly. "Nobody can come into my world. The only person who has ever lived in my world with me was... Keisuke. I told him everything I knew, all the things that nobody else would listen to. Remember? I tried to tell you about that."

At Chitaka's wordless nod, Tsuru cleared his throat thickly and brought his fingers to his lips, trying to stay on the same train of thought. "That was part of what... what he and I had together. Things that only we knew. Things that only I knew, and he was the only person I could tell. But he's gone..."

Chitaka nodded again, his eyes filling with sympathy, and he took a step forward, coming closer. "Tsuru..."

Tsuru's eyes filled with tears, but he didn't move. Only a sniffle escaped.

Chitaka lowered his hands from Tsuru's shoulders, but only for a moment, only long enough to wrap his arms around the skinny frame and pull it into his own body. Instead of balking at the contact, Tsuru seemed to collapse against his chest, pressing his head into his shoulder and draping his arms around Chitaka, hands clutching the back of his shirt right beneath his neck.

"It's all right, Tsuru. I understand." Chitaka closed his eyes tightly and kissed the top of Tsuru's head, fingers finding their way into the long brown hair and tangling there.

"I... I want to tell you those things, Chitaka. All the things I know that no one else does..."

His voice was weak. He took in a long, shuddery breath, and then exhaled slowly, pulling his head backwards so that he could look up at Chitaka's face. Chitaka's eyes fell half-closed, and he began to lean down, just as Tsuru also closed his eyes, waiting. Just before their lips touched, one last whisper escaped him, completing his oath.

"...my secrets."

-end-