Goodbye, Cruel World

“Finally my thoughts become action. No more deliberating, and no more cowardice. I face the unknown, yet I do not fear it. I welcome death, it can’t be any worse than life itself. But still I am upon so precarious a ledge between life and the after, breathing, and choosing to choke to death. It is so unnerving to think that destiny is mine to decide. I know my friends will not care,” he said bitterly, moving towards the edge. “They will scarcely notice my absence…but I wish they could know that it was them, their neglect that did this to me.”

The soliloquy was interrupted when the rather gloomy young grasshopper heard a fluttering nearby. He looked past the rim of the abandoned mug of coffee to the surface of the patio table, trying to discover who the eavesdropper had been, when an outraged voice boomed from above.

“Edgar G. Hopper! What in God’s name do you think you’re about to do!”

“I was…well, I-” the realization that he’d been speaking aloud played across his normally jovial countenance. “It’s good to see you, Myrtle. How’s your family.” He deadpanned, making it evident that he was neither thrilled to see the nosy ladybug, nor curious about her busybody family.

“Don’t you try that on me. I heard you! Now what stupid idea has flitted into your lunatic head, child?” She glared at him from behind her rather large spectacles. “Now why, for goodness sakes would you want to pitch yourself into anything the giants leave behind? Be sensible! Come back down to the grass. It must be all this pliz-tack, or whatever they call it, that’s making you so unsettled. It’s not natural, that’s for sure!” She eyed the patio table warily.

“Don’t blame the table, now. And it’s plastic. My problems are not with the giants, but with those in the grass.” He paused before delivering his line. “I cannot live any longer, for I have been forsaken. There is no more to live for.”

“Stuff and nonsense.” She waved a feeler casually, dismissing the idea. Clearly this upset Edgar, as the flippant ladybug had just interrupted the climax at which point he was to weep bitterly, and wrench her heart to the fullest of its pity. “I’ve known plenty of bugs of worse upbringing, with more misfortune and less to work with, who have lead long, prosperous, even famous lives. There was my cousin Marge, for example…” Edgar was no longer upset; now he was simply annoyed.

“You don’t say,” he said flatly, after enduring another ten minutes worth of rambling and rather pointless anecdotes. “As much as I’d love to hear more about your extended family, I’m a little busy attempting to remedy my situation.”

“Humbug! You don’t mean that.”

“What now?” Ernie the humbug inquired, flying up to the table.

“Great, it’s a party now.” Edgar rolled his eyes. “Brilliant choice of words, Myrtle. Never you mind, Ernie. We’re sorry to have bothered you.” The now disgruntled humbug hovered off.

“Enough muddling!” Myrtle was vexed now. “Why are you so miserable, Edgar?”

“Why?” Questioned Edgar, looking rather unsure himself. “Why? Why, because the whole world is a wasteland, full of heartless, cruel insects who wouldn’t scruple to steal the antennae off your head! It is such a bleak world where not even the closest of my friends can be bothered with the troubles of their poor old chum. I want no part of this corruption! It is an outrage to my very soul to live here!” Edgar flung a feeler to his brow in histrionic fashion. “Do not pity me, sweet ladybug, but pity yourself.  For it is you who must live in this miserly world.”

Myrtle was beginning to catch on. “Miserly? Oh ho, Edgar! Have you spent all your money again? Is that what this foolishness is about? None of your friends were stupid enough to lend you any money to compensate?”

“No!” Edgar was outraged. “I was not a spendthrift! I…I gave away my money to a poor starving family of mosquitoes who could not afford to feed their fifteen children and I-”

“Yes, yes.” She had heard this line before. “Well, I must say, Edgar, I think I agree with you.”

“What!”

“Yes. This is an awfully bleak world. If I were you, I should cast myself into a coffee cup too. Well, now that that is settled, have a nice day dear!” Myrtle flew away without giving the crestfallen grasshopper a chance to respond.

“I knew nobody cared!” He moaned loudly and desolately. It was then that he heard the familiar flitting of wings. Someone larger was nearby. Out of the corner of his eye, Edgar spotted Virginia, the dragonfly. He knew he had to act quickly. He stepped closer to the brink and steeled himself.

“So finally my thoughts become action. No more deliberating, and no more cowardice.” Edgar wailed loud enough for Virginia to hear. If he played his cards right, maybe he might actually get some money this time.