Chapter 11

“Katie…?”

I looked at Jane over the top of my book. She seemed troubled.

“Yes…?”

“Have you and Chris still not kissed?”

I shook my head before pointedly returning to my textbook. This was not a conversation that I was too keen on entering.

“You have to do something about this,” she continued, looking at me patiently. “It’s March. You’ve been together for over a month now. You guys spend a lot of time together too… I don’t see why anything hasn’t happened yet.”

“I can’t help it,” I sighed. “Every time he tried to kiss me, I just… shied away. It was almost reflex. And he’s given up on trying now.”

“Given up?” she asked. “Have you guys even talked about it?”

“Yes, we have…” I replied. “But I didn’t really know what to tell him, so he said he would just wait until I was ready.”

“When are you going to be ready?” she demanded, beginning to lose her temper. This more impatient and impetuous Jane was a more familiar one and I smiled.

“I don’t know… I really don’t care, Jane. It’s nice just being able to spend time with him and talk with him. I don’t particularly want to kiss him.”

Jane looked at me wide-eyed. “That is not normal,” she chastised. “He’s your boyfriend. You should want to kiss him. Otherwise, why did you go out with him in the first place?”

“Because… I liked him…?”

“Yes, but you can like a friend,” she argued. “If you just wanted to be his friend, you shouldn’t have gone out with him.”

“I don’t just want to be his friend!” I exclaimed. “Would you stop putting words in my mouth?”

It was now her turn to sigh.

“Katie, are you afraid to kiss someone in general or are you just unwilling to kiss Chris? You almost kissed Carter, didn’t you? Did you want to kiss him?”

I eyed her suspiciously. I had told her about what had happened with Carter, and felt that it was a low blow to bring him up in this instance. She knew that we hadn’t talked for over a month now and knew of my angry feelings towards him. I was still indignant that he lied to me and furious that he used everyone so.

What she didn’t know was that, recently, I was reconciling myself towards him. I had begun to question why he hadn’t sought me out and tried to apologize. Was it my fault for not telling him about Cynthia? Or was he just being stubborn because he had done something terribly wrong and didn’t want to admit it? Secretly, I hoped that one day he would approach me again and we could be friends. I missed him and, despite my better judgment, had stopped reproaching him for his mistakes. I had been angry then, but my sadness at losing him overcame that. Couldn’t I help him be a better person?

“I don’t know if I wanted to kiss him,” I replied truthfully.

She paused. “I think you should try with Chris to see if you like it, before just chickening out.”

“I am not chickening out!” I exclaimed.

She laughed skeptically. “You’ve been in love with Chris for two years and now you don’t even want to kiss him! You are chickening out… unless you don’t like him anymore…?”

“I do so! Would you stop saying that?”

“So just go for it! You’ve been making him wait so long now, that it won’t even matter if you’re a good kisser anyway. He’ll just be grateful for what he got.”

I snorted at her comment and returned to my textbook.

“Katie, please listen to me,” she pleaded. “I know my advice sucks some of the time…”

“All of the time,” I interjected.

“… but can’t you please just listen to me for once?”

I looked at her cautiously. She seemed to be speaking earnestly.

Was there really something so wrong in not wanting to kiss my boyfriend? I sighed and realized that yes; there was something terribly wrong in that. I had wanted to go out with Chris for two years, and now that it had finally come true, I was acting as if nothing had changed between us. I had wanted a boyfriend so badly, that I didn’t stop to think what that required of me! The idea of kissing a boy seemed interesting but repulsive at the same time. I wasn’t ready… but maybe it was time to push the issue? You can get used to anything if you do it enough.

“Okay,” I relented, earning an encouraging smile from Jane. “What do I do?”

---

I sat down anxiously on the bench beside the boy’s locker rooms. My shirt was slightly dampened by sweat and strands of hair stuck out from my ponytail.

I frowned and realized I looked a mess. It had been Jane’s idea that I get this over with as soon as possible though, and since Chris and I were going to have lunch after gym class anyway, she had thought that this was an adequate situation. I would ask him to wait up in the hallway after everyone had left, and then lay one on him. The hallways down here were quiet when there were no gym classes going on, and no one would surprise us, Jane had told me. Of course I had dumbly agreed to her plans, and regretted it now.

I frowned and leaned back against the wall. What was done was done. I grabbed a mint from my bag, un-wrapped it quickly, and stuck it in my mouth. I pushed it back and forth, from one side of my mouth to the other.

I watched the other students in my grade – we all had our gym classes at the same time – leave the locker rooms and head for lunch, chatting with their friends. I wondered what was holding Chris up.

Jane walked by and winked at me. I frowned and she came over to me, laughing.

“You’ll do fine,” she reassured me, while trying to tidy my hair, smoothing the awry strands into their proper places. “And even if it’s a bust, at least you tried.”

I nodded and she left me, again alone with my worries.

The students leaving the locker rooms had narrowed to a small trickle. I closed my eyes, trying to envision myself kissing Chris, but it was hard to do so. And to my dismay, I began to think about my “semi-kiss” with Carter. He had looked at me so intensely, and I had no option but to relent to him. If it hadn’t been the heat of the moment, I probably wouldn’t have forgotten myself so much and would have pushed him away.

I had been so surprised that I had been swept away by the situation.

But maybe I had really wanted to kiss him?

I sighed and stood up. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t force myself to kiss Chris when the idea of doing so made me anxious and upset. I didn’t see any pleasure in it at all.

I realized that Jane would be upset with me, but I began to walk towards the stairway and away from the locker rooms anyway. I climbed the staircase up to the main floor and walked outside onto the street. None of the usual crowds of students were outside – they had mostly all gone to lunch by now. I leaned against the wall and looked at the cars go by on the street. I started to wonder if Chris would come find me here to go to lunch.

The door to my school swung open and shut as late-goers made it out the building and headed towards a lunch spot with their friends. None of them paused in front of the school though, and it began to feel very lonely.

“Yeah, well I’m waiting out here… Okay, I’ll wait then.”

I looked at the door again and saw Carter, cell phone in hand. He snapped it shut and huffed angrily. I couldn’t help but laugh a little.

He heard me. He glanced in my direction, but quickly looked away and went to stand on the other side of the school doors. He leant against the wall as well; he seemed to be waiting for a friend.

I glanced down at my feet and then back up at him, realizing that I couldn’t quite take my eyes off of him. I wanted to talk to him so much! It had been such a long time since we had spent any time together and I missed our lunches together, our walks home, our chorus practices… We still saw each other in chorus but ignored one another, and had even led Ms. Heratt into believing that we still practiced our duet separately. Fortunately we had worked on it so much that she could not tell the difference now.

Every time we sang our duet, however, I grew sad. It sounded the same but was so unlike what it had been before.

The temptation was too great and I relented.

“Carter…?” I asked.

He ignored me, looking pointedly at his feet.

Persistent to the very last, I walked over and faced him.

“Please… please talk to me?” I asked kindly.

He finally met my gaze and I looked deep into his eyes. They seemed so distressed and changed, that I almost wanted to avert my own eyes. It was so painful to see him act this way towards me.

“I want us to speak to one another again,” I said. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. It wasn’t really your fault… I didn’t understand and jumped to conclusions. Please speak to me…? I’m sorry.”

He seemed even more distressed by my apology.

“Katie, don’t apologize to me,” he chastised.

“No, I ought to,” I replied. “I yelled at you but I wish I hadn’t been so inconsiderate towards you! You didn’t know what was going to happen to David. You just did what anyone else would have done, given your situation. I didn’t understand what you were going through because I’ve never had to go through things like…”

“How can you say that?” he snapped suddenly. “Don’t say such stupid things!”

“But, Carter…”

“What I did was wrong!” he yelled, looking furiously away. “Don’t try to lessen the damage by lying to yourself as well!”

“Fine!” I replied, frustrated. “Maybe what you did was wrong, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be friends. It was just a disagreement. Let’s talk things over. We can sort things out now.”

He grew silent again. “No, Katie. We can’t be friends.”

“But why?” I demanded.

“Katie, just…”

“Tell me why!” I shouted. “Don’t you understand how much you’re hurting me?”

He looked down at his feet. “It’s better this way. I hurt you before too.”

I thought of how we had argued over what he had said to his friends about me. Did he still feel guilty for so insignificant a quarrel?

“You’re wrong,” I replied. “You didn’t hurt me then either.”

“Stop trying to spare me,” he sighed. “Just let Chris take care of you. He’s done a much better job.”

“What are you talking about?” I shouted. “He does not replace you!”

“Katie, please don’t talk to me like this…”

“But… I want to have you as well!”

He looked me deeply in the eyes, transfixing me with his gaze. His eyes were sad and his demeanor so changed towards me, but I could still detect in his eyes the hint of challenge and defiance that I loved so dearly. As he was about to look away again, I kissed him.

He seemed stunned, but his initial surprise gave way to something more powerful, and he pulled me closer by the waist. I wrapped my arms around his neck, wondering where I had learned to do such a thing, and he kissed me more passionately in return.

It was intoxicating… for the short while it lasted.

“Katie…?”

I pulled away from Carter and spun around. Chris was standing there, and on his face was plastered a look of shock. The consequences of what I had initiated suddenly hit me and I felt nauseous.

I said the first thing that came to mind.

“I… I didn’t mean for this to happen,” I stammered.

I immediately realized that it was a very poor excuse.

“I should have known that you would go back to him,” he sighed, looking down at his feet. “It was obvious from the beginning. You never liked me Katie.”

“That’s not true!” I exclaimed. “I’ve liked you for two years…!”

“How can you say that?” he yelled. “We haven't even kissed and you're with him!”

I was tempted to reply but remained silent. He was right. What could I say to him when I had been the one to initiate the kiss?

“I... I just can't deal with this,” he stammered, before walking away.

I ran after him and grabbed his sleeve to stop him. I couldn't just let him go like this! He looked at me angrily and wrenched his arm out of my grasp.

"Don't touch me," he snapped.

It really was over. Something that I had craved for over two years had come and gone in a little over a month. I immediately turned to Carter. He was not looking at me but at some distant point down the street, deep in mediation. I watched his feelings and thoughts flit across his face, before these all turned into anger.

“Carter…?”

“I told you nothing good would come out of this!” he shouted. “Leave me!”

Tears fell from my eyes as I began to realize that my very first kiss had been a huge mistake. Spinning around, I began to pound down the street towards the park. I didn’t know where I was running, but only that it was far from Chris, and Carter, and Cynthia, and all the problems of the past months. I hated myself and what I had done. I had planned to kiss Chris, not Carter! How could everything have fallen apart so quickly?

I reached Fifth Avenue and dashed across the street, almost getting hit by a cab as I made my daring sprint. Nothing mattered to me apart from getting far away.

As I ran down the park side of Fifth, I tripped on an uneven cobblestone and stumbled to the ground. I winced in pain. Sitting up, I looked at my hands and knees; they ached and were scratched and dirty. I began to cry harder.

“Are you okay?”

I looked up at a middle-aged woman and her five-year old child. They seemed very concerned and I forced myself to smile.

“I’ll be fine,” I replied, brushing my knees off and going over to sit beside the park wall on a nearby bench.

Everything had changed so drastically since the beginning of the year. I had liked Chris so deeply and naively, and when these dreams were finally fulfilled, I had ruined what could have been a happy relationship. I had met Carter, and let him captivate me to the point at which I was able to cheat on my boyfriend.

My anger towards Carter grew. He hadn’t stopped me from kissing him but had only kissed me harder. So how could he yell at me and order me away? It seemed to me like we had both been thrown into the same lot and should stick together now.

I sighed and looked up at the sky. The dark, unsettled clouds heralded rain. Soon enough, small droplets fell on my face and blew onto my bare arms. It felt nice and I welcomed the early spring storm, inhaling deeply the earthy, humid smells that drifted in the wind.

I felt so lost sitting here, alone, though the rain comforted me.

My innocence was gone, and I felt old, tired, and abused.