Yes, I have stripped myself of precious hours alone solely to amuse you with the wanderings of my mind. At least one of us is pleased. You had best feel everlastingly grateful, or I shall be compelled to incinerate your feeble form with my telekinetic bequest of reducing anything I wish to ashes with the simple malignant, fleeting glower of my dark eyes. Does this intrigue you? I am readily amused with your unpretentious stupidity. But I most manifestly am irking you to the point of bursting into uncontrolled emission of human tears. Well, do not expect much more of me, as my existence is rather dull, and I highly question the fact that you will maintain taking the time to scan this document, as your lives upon this desecrated earth are quite limited. Not that I in any way find you responsible for your cruel actions of abandoning me, as I resolved to inscribe these leaves as a morose reminder to myself of my tormented life so I might always remember it, not for the petty pleasure of others. My reasons for recollection on these topics is not of your concern. Also, I believe 'cruel' was rather harsh choice of diction for my previous statement, as I no longer retain feelings or emotions, as was formerly mentioned in the latest installment of this text, and am not pained in any way whatsoever if you choose not to continue with your reading, as it is not the best of strategies for one to tire one's eyes until they drip out of their sockets from sheer ennui.
Anyway, I will now attempt to commence with beginning this story, which will, hopefully, from this point onward, actually be classified as a story, not the cynical ramblings of a perfectly rational and sane vampire. I am strongly aspiring for this to be the final instance in which I saunter aimlessly about nothing in particular. To conclude this rapid string of unrelated phrases, I would just like to declare that I would consider this as what you would call an 'author's note.' To rectify myself, I still am categorized as a female, though I am dead, so I take a giddy delight in calling myself the "Authoress." It retains a rather darkly magical ring to it, or perhaps that is merely my shadowed ear interpreting it as such. But anyway, I presume this is something of a notification that holds no context to the plot of the current story that the dramatist wishes to inform their readers of nevertheless.
I see. You humans make so little sense to me...
Well, may your oh so complicated mortal minds take primitive diversion in the complex account of my life, which should not be overly difficult for you to absorb with your genetically advanced wit. Many elements have been altered slightly or even omitted completely, mainly for lack of interest or inspiration on my part. I have come to the conclusion, through the readings of your opinions of this work, that you seem to possess some sort of curiosity in my existence and rather enjoy this, as do I. I suppose I am obligated to offer my sincerest apologies on the subject of how I have not paid heed to this and been lethargic in my renovations of this scholarly eulogy to myself, being the somewhat pompous individual I am, and shall henceforth attempt to abolish that wretched habit. Also, in the following chapter, which I am currently in the demanding process of writing and hope to post on the internet network within a few of earth's days, I employ the lovely melody, "Going Under," by Evanescence, indisputably one of the greatest human bands ever formed, though I occasionally speculate whether or not they really are of the human race, or really gorgeous vampiric creations concealing their identities. I shall have to inquire of them why in Ra's name they would commit such a felony towards our flawless race. But, I shall silence myself now, and may I make your acquaintance again within a few of your days.