I Found Love on a Boat

By Bohemian Storm

Notes:  This was written after my theatre prof suggested I think about writing something for my performance next year.  It’s written for the stage, so … I’m not sure you’ll enjoy it the same as you would a prose piece, but I like it.

Also … I haven’t taken the playwright course yet so … my stage directions more than likely suck. *grins*

(Stage is bare with the exception of a small boat in the center.  Lights come up revealing a young woman sleeping on the shoulder of a young man in the boat.  He looks a little annoyed at the fact that her mouth is open and she’s snoring rather loudly.)

Kevin:  Amanda.  (nudges Amanda slightly with his shoulder – she doesn’t respond)  Amanda!  (nudges her again)

Amanda:  (mumbled)  Shut up and go back to sleep.

Kevin:  I’m not sleeping anymore.  Wake up!  (He nudges her a third time and her jaw clacks shut.  She sits up, rubbing her chin.)

Amanda:  (muttered)  Jackass.

Kevin:  Oh, I’m sorry that I don’t want you drooling all over my shoulder.

Amanda:  And I’m deeply sorry, Kevin, that you have to deal with sleeping in this tiny little boat with me.  Y’know, next time the cruise ship we’re on sinks, I’ll make sure to get into a life boat with SOMEONE ELSE!

Kevin:  (crosses arms)  Good.

Amanda:  You act like I asked to get into this boat with you and be stuck in a never ending hell.

Kevin:  (eyes wide with mock innocence) You didn’t?

Amanda:  No.  Explain to me why in the world I would want to be stuck with you until I die a horrible, horrible death.

Kevin:  (considers this)  Because I’m charming, handsome, undeniably intelligent and witty?

Amanda:  You also have the worst breath I’ve smelled in my entire life.

Kevin:  We’ve been out here for four days!

Amanda:  I remembered to bring my toothbrush.

Kevin:  Yes, and you’re psychotic.

Amanda:  How does remembering to bring my toothbrush make me psychotic?

Kevin:  The boat was SINKING!  Who remembers to get their toothbrush when they might die within the next ten minutes?

Amanda:  Hygienically conscious people, I suppose.

Kevin:  Or people with deeply rooted psychosis who can’t stand to be away from their vanity table and makeup for more than ten seconds.

Amanda:  Have I applied makeup once out here?

Kevin:  Do you have any with you?

Amanda:  (pauses)  Shut up.

Kevin:  (crosses his arms looking smug)  I rest my case.

Amanda:  Do you do everything like a goddamned lawyer?

Kevin:  Amanda, I am a goddamned lawyer.

Amanda:  Lucky me.

Kevin:  Lucky you?  Are you complaining?  I got stuck out here with a young debutante (on Amanda’s open mouth and annoyed look) or whatever the hell it is you call yourselves nowadays, who has absolutely no character or depth to her whatsoever.

(silence at this)

Kevin:  Hey, Amanda.  Your hair is getting bleached by the sun.

(Amanda ignores him and begins to bounce her foot in the boat)

Kevin:  Don’t do that.

(Amanda continues to bounce her foot, looking disinterested in everything Kevin says)

Kevin:  Amanda, I’m serious.  Quit it.

(the bouncing continues)

Kevin:  If you don’t stop that I’m going to . . .

Amanda:  (looks over at him)  You’re going to what?  You’re going to . . . throw me over the side of the boat?

Kevin:  Don’t tempt me.

Amanda:  I want to bounce my foot.  What in the world is wrong with me bouncing my foot?

Kevin:  It’s annoying.

Amanda:  (darkly)  Sorry, I’ll stop, your Highness.  (her foot continues to bounce, so she puts her hand on it.  Kevin watches the following, highly interesting and annoyed at the same time.  Amanda grabs her ankle and hauls her foot toward her body to keep it from bouncing.  It goes on bouncing.  She growls at it under her breath and tries to hold it flat against the bottom of the boat.)

Kevin:  Do you need help with that?

Amanda:  Fuck off.

Kevin:  I’m just saying that I could nail it to the bottom of the boat.

Amanda:  (turns to Kevin, eyes wide)  Oh, yes!  Let’s nail my foot to the bottom of the boat!  Can we please?  I mean, besides the obvious pain and anguish, we’re lacking a nail and a hammer.  And even if we did have those things, what do you suppose nailing my foot to the bottom of the boat might accomplish?

Kevin:  It might make it stop bouncing.

Amanda: (slaps the back of his head)  And it just might create a hole in the boat, you jackass!

Kevin:  Hey, I’m actually pretty okay with sinking right about now.  God knows there’s only so much of you that I can deal with.

Amanda:  Fine.  You’re okay with drowning?  Let’s get you over the side.  I’m more likely to find land by myself anyway.

(she grabs Kevin’s arm and tries to push him over the edge of the boat.  He struggles and it turns into a cat fight, complete with slapping and hair pulling)

Kevin:  Ow!  That’s my hair!  That hurts!  Quit it!

Amanda:  You wanted to go over, lawyer boy.  (she tries to hoist Kevin over the edge of the boat by his hair, but he grabs her ankle and they go tumbling into the bottom of the boat)

Kevin:  (sits up, still holding Amanda’s ankle.  Very triumphant)  Hah!

Amanda:  Hah?

Kevin:  Hah.

Amanda:  Yes, I got that part.  Why hah?

Kevin:  Because now you can’t bounce your foot anymore.

Amanda:  (smirks)  Well, hah to you too.

Kevin:  Why?

Amanda:  Because that’s not the foot that bounces.

Kevin:  Dammit!  (he dives for the other foot and comes up triumphant once more.  He’s now holding both of Amanda’s ankles in his hands)  Hah . . . again.

Amanda:  So . . . we’re just going to sit like this the entire time?  (she gestures to themselves.  Kevin is back in his side of the boat, Amanda’s ankles cradled to his chest.  Amanda’s leaning against the end of the boat, trying to keep herself from slipping to the bottom)

Kevin:  (studies this)  I don’t see why not.

Amanda:  Well, when my muscles all cramp up and I collapse, screaming in agony maybe you’ll figure it out.

(They sit in silence for a long moment before Kevin reaches into the bottom of the boat.  Amanda watches him suspiciously and her suspicions are confirmed when Kevin comes up with a length of rope that he ties around her ankles)

Kevin:  There.  Now you can sit however you want.

Amanda:  They can still bounce, jackass.  (she begins to untie the rope)

Kevin:  Don’t do that.

Amanda:  Why not?  I don’t want to sit here with my ankles tied up.

Kevin:  I said stop it.  (he grabs her wrist.  Amanda rolls her eyes and begins to untie it with the other hand.  Kevin grabs her other wrist)

Amanda:  Great.  Are we playing this game again?

Kevin:  (his eyes light up and he grabs another length of rope, looping it around her wrists and tying them together)  Now I fixed everything.

Amanda:  And I’m tied up.

Kevin:  (nods happily)  That you are.

Amanda:  I am not sitting in this boat for the rest of my life tied up beside you.  (she glances down) We’ve been out here for four days, we’re running out of food and we’re running out of water.  I’m just going to end it now.  (she turns and begins to get up)

Kevin:  You can’t stand up like that.

Amanda:  Watch me.  (she struggles, but eventually stands up and smiles triumphantly)  Hah!

Kevin:  And now what?  You’re going to jump into the ocean?

Amanda:  Why not?  It’s better than dying in this boat with you.  

Kevin:  Who said we’re going to die?

Amanda:  I said.  We barely have enough water for two more days and we’re driving each other crazy.  So, should I sit beside you for two more days while we pick at each other and slowly die of dehydration or should I just jump in?  There might be a big shark just below us willing to swallow me whole.  He’ll make it quick.  (she gets ready to jump)

Kevin:  Amanda, don’t.

Amanda:  I’m doing it, Kevin!  There’s no use trying to stop me.

Kevin:  (seriously worried now)  No, Amanda, you can’t.

Amanda:  You also said I couldn’t stand up like this and I did that.

Kevin:  Amanda, you don’t want to kill yourself.

Amanda:  I’m going to die anyway.  Goodbye, Kevin!

Kevin:  No!  (jumps up and tackles her just as the boat hits land.  The two go flying into the sand and Amanda comes up spitting sand from her mouth)

Amanda:  Now will you untie me?

Kevin:  (eyes narrow)  You knew we were about to hit land.

Amanda:  Like you didn’t see it.

Kevin:  (begins to untie the ropes)  I seriously thought you were going to jump into the ocean and drown.

Amanda:  Because you care so much.

Kevin:  Well, I don’t want you to die.

Amanda:  Right.  (she stands up, now free of the ropes and looks around)  Okay, so where the hell are we?

Kevin:  An island.

Amanda:  Great detective work there, Sherlock.  I’m so glad you’re with me to answer all the really tough questions.

Kevin:  Shut up, Amanda.

Amanda:  (walks further onto the sand and slowly looks around)  What do we do?  Investigate the island or stay here?

Kevin:  Maybe we should make a place to stay.  In case it rains or something.

Amanda:  Maybe.

(Kevin shrugs and wanders around, collecting branches and anything else he thinks might help make shelter.  Amanda watches.)

Kevin:  You really are spoiled.  Get off your ass and help me.

Amanda:  You’re not really a lawyer are you?

Kevin:  Not yet.  But three more years of school and I will be.

Amanda:  (begins to help him collecting wood)  What’s it like?

Kevin:  What’s what like?

Amanda:  School.

Kevin:  Law school?

Amanda:  Any school.  I was home schooled.

Kevin:  (looks at her from the corner of his eye)  You never went to any school?

Amanda:  Nope.  My parents wanted me to be pure and untainted by the world of public school.

Kevin:  They could have sent you to a private school.

Amanda:  (shrugs)  Yeah, well, they’re fucked up.  I mean, I’m twenty four and they’re still paying for my rent.  I have qualifications and I don’t even have to use them.  All I have to do is find a husband by the time I’m thirty and they’ll be happy.

Kevin:  Qualifications for what?

Amanda:  Certified computer technologist.  I can do other things too, but that’s what my diploma says.

Kevin:  (obviously impressed)  Wow.

Amanda:  Yeah, big wow.  (she sighs and looks around)  How the hell are we going to make any kind of shelter with this crap?

Kevin:  (ignores her question)  So why were you on the cruise?

Amanda:  According to my parents?  To find a husband.  According to me?  Fun . . . maybe find someone interesting enough to entertain me for more than a few hours.

Kevin:  How long did I entertain you?

Amanda:  Shut up.

Kevin:  Seriously . . . just think . . . what if we’re completely alone on this island?

Amanda:  And what if we are?

Kevin:  We don’t want our genes to die with us, do we?

Amanda:  Oh.  My.  God.  You’re a loser.

Kevin:  (steps closer to her)  Think about it, Amanda.  We might need to repopulate the entire island.

Amanda:  Kevin, get away from me. (she’s still holding a piece of drift wood in her hands)

Kevin:  (grabs her arm)  You can’t tell me you’re not attracted to me, Amanda.  I’ve seen it.

Amanda:  (shakes head, laughing)  You’re such a jackass.

Kevin:  Is that a yes?

Amanda:  Hell no . . . well, sort of.  But whatever it is we don’t need to repopulate an island.

Kevin:  How do you know?

Amanda:  I just know.

Kevin:  (leans closer still)  So, what would you do if I kissed you?

Amanda:  Offer you my toothbrush?

Kevin:  Let’s see.

Amanda:  Kevin, I don’t want you to kiss me.

Kevin:  You said you were on the cruise looking for someone to entertain you for more than a few hours.  I entertained you for four days.

Amanda:  But you drove me nuts!

Kevin:  That was just a cover.

Amanda:  A cover for what?

Kevin:  Your true feelings.

Amanda:  (laughs)  Good Lord, Kevin.  I may be psychotic but you’re completely delusional.

Kevin:  You can’t hide them anymore.

Amanda:  (considers this)  And what if I was attracted to you?  What then?

Kevin:  Then I kiss you.

Amanda:  Why?  We’re in the middle of nowhere.  What kind of life can we possibly have?

Kevin:  We’ll create one.

Amanda:  (looks uncertain)  I don’t really know.

Kevin:  You’ll know.  (leans closer and kisses her.  The kiss escalates quickly until Amanda sees a woman walking by wearing a bikini and a brightly coloured sarong.  She peels away from the kiss, not quite removing her lips from Kevin’s, but staring at the woman taking a walk down the beach)

Amanda:  (breaking the kiss)  Excuse me!

Woman:  (looks up in surprise)  Oh, hello!

Amanda:  Is there a hotel or resort on this island?

Woman:  (nods and points back the way she came)  About a five minute walk that way.

Amanda:  (grins sweetly and nods as the woman walks off stage)  Thank you, thank you.  (she turns deadly eyes to Kevin and growls)  Fuck you.  (she turns and stalks off stage.  Kevin follows her, calling her name.)

Kevin:  Amanda!  Amanda!  What about repopulating the island?

Amanda:  (offstage – the piece of driftwood she was holding comes flying toward Kevin)  It’s already populated!  Jackass!