AN: Kael’s another screwed up character of mine. Yes, I have them lying around everywhere. I doubt this one’s going to end up like the others. Poor, silly boy. Falling in love with the school slut, literally. Not a very clever thing to do – I wonder how many people can compare? Ah well… So this is the last of the Uke session – after this comes the Semes (for those who don’t know, uke is the bottom in the pairing, seme is the top :D) Look out for the next one if you enjoy this O.o;; Still no part of No Regrets, still a sidestory with an unknown ending read, and please review Tell me what you think

I love him. I know I do. It’s kind of hard to miss, especially if you’ve suspected it for quite some time.

Normally, I’d be happy. Ecstatic even. After all, I’m in love. I’m in love! I’m not the type to go prancing around in field filled with flowers and nonsense like that, but still. You’d expect me to be some kind of happy, wouldn’t you? After all, I’ve found my one, the one I want to live with for the rest of my life, the one I’m never going to leave, etc etc.

Except… except I’m not. Because it must be some kind of horrible mistake. It has to be. Why else would I fall in love with him of all people? Why the hell did I have to fall for him?

He’s beautiful. Absolutely stunningly gorgeous. He has pale pale blonde hair and eyes so blue they’re almost unbelievable. His face is almost perfect. And he knows it too. Of course he knows it. He has to live with it everyday, doesn’t he? He gets up, sees himself in the mirror and – I know this from experience – preens. And as much as he knows it, he makes sure everyone else knows it as well. He goes almost out of his way to show everyone that he is the best looking guy in the school. And, don’t consider me biased or anything, he is.

He flirts like you wouldn’t believe. I know for a fact I’m not the only one he sleeps with. I might be his favourite, as he claims, but I am by no means the only one. He knows I know. When I once tried to display jealousy, he laughed. And then he kissed me, which inevitably led to other things.

I love him. I wish I didn’t.

I don’t know when it started. He’s a year older than I am, so it wasn't in any specific class. I rather think it was when he decided he liked my roommate. My roommate was terrified of him – and for good reason – so surprisingly, he was never around when my wayward love made his own appearances. He’d spend a few minutes talking to me, not so subtly covering the fact that he was only waiting for someone else to arrive, and then he’d take off again.

Maybe it was then.

Or maybe it was simply when he came uninvited into my room. It was the day for our year to go down into the city for a day out sort of thing, and I wasn't allowed to go. I can't remember why, but I wasn't very happy with the idea at the time. And then – he must have heard me crying – he came in without asking and sat down and cuddled me. I’m very partial to cuddling; even I know that, so I usually do my best to stay out of it, because… I don’t know, it represents something deeper to me. But he ignored my obligatory attempts to pull away and he held me closer and he cuddled me…

Yes. I guess it was then.

It was only a matter of time after that when he progressed cuddling to something more; only a matter of time before cuddling became making out and then more still…

I knew he didn’t care for me then, not more than he cared for any other fuck he could get, and I didn’t mind. Because when he was cuddling me afterwards as he inevitably ended up doing… That made it all right.

But now… Now when I burn with jealousy over him, and all he does is laugh at me kindly, but still with that mocking note… It occurs to me how very stupid I was to suppose that cuddling made everything better.

Now I know better.

How do you imprison that which needs to be free?

How do you confine the ice?

I used to be his favourite fuck. Not any more. Now he’s found someone new. How do I know this? Simple really. It’s actually so heartbreakingly simple…

He told me.

Quite casually, you know. Didn’t even try to be tactful about it. Smirked and said he found someone better, someone more willing to try new things… I was a virgin before I met him. Before I knew him, I would have been confused about what exactly those ‘new things’ were. Now I know. I know all too well.

I love him.

But what am I supposed to do?

I could weep and wail like any rejected lover, but he hates clingy people the most. I could also just let him go, but that, I’m afraid, would hurt more than anything else…

He’ll come back to me. I know that. But he’ll never be just fully mine. He’ll always have someone else. He keeps his best fucks as back ups. Yes, he told me that too. All the other people he slept with before me he still slept with while sleeping with me.

And yes, I guess he is a slut. I could go on at length about why he does what he does, but, quite honestly, I have no idea. I asked him once. He laughed at me. Told me he didn’t want to bother me with his dull and boring life. When I protested he got this queer smile on his face and hugged me tighter.

He was very good at playing in love. I even believed it for a while. It all stopped, of course, when he told me about his new favourite.

Well, what was I supposed to do? I sulked. I didn’t want to see him anymore. He didn’t even try to convince me otherwise, just chuckled quietly and told me I’d get over it.

I don’t think I will.

I don’t think I ever will. How could I? Despite what he is, what he does to me, I love him.

Maybe it’s because of all that that I do though. I could have fallen in love with anyone who was at the right place at the right time. Is it just my luck that he was the one?

Yes. I am lucky to have him. He’s selfish, rude, arrogant, proud, stubborn, obstinate, flighty, vain… most of the worst traits you can find. But he’s honest. Who else would have told me straight out that he was seeing someone else at the same time? Sure, he could have used a bit more tact…

Damnit. Why am I crying? It’s going to be all right, I know it is. It has to be. He’ll grow tired of his new favourite. He’s bound to. He’s too flighty to be bound down by any one person…

Which means I have no chance either, doesn’t it…

How do you confine the ice?

It molds itself to its own container, but it doesn’t fit into a new one unless it’s back to water. If I am his original, the one that helped make him who he is today… he has to come back. He can't not do so.

The new boy… he won't fit into his plans. It’ll be too hard to pull them apart now, not when he’s all gleeful at finding new and the other is so stricken with lust that…

I’m so stupid sometimes. I knew better than to fall in love with him, really I did. And yet… and yet I couldn't help it. I didn’t even do it on purpose. I just was in love with him one day, damned if I know how.

I miss him. I’ve only seen him three nights during the past three weeks. When he used to slip into my room every night, it’s quite a change. And it happened so suddenly too…

I wondered if anything was wrong, the last night we had together. He was gentler than usual, and spent more time cuddling than other things. Normally I have to insist for the cuddle. Or at least blatantly hint for it. But that…

It was different. I don’t know how. How am I supposed to know? The whole thing was wrong anyhow…

I wish… I wish I had been better.

If I had been all he needed, then he wouldn’t have been so eager to find a new favourite. He wouldn’t have been so enthusiastic to leave me. What did I do wrong?

Why didn’t he love me like I love him?

I could say that it’s not in his nature, but how could love be against anyone’s nature? It’s what humans need most, what any living thing needs the most. How could he just block it out like that?

Or maybe… maybe he never really did care that much for me.

I told him. We were cuddling, and he was teasing me so sweetly and I told him.

It has to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. I knew that he didn’t like being tied down by emotions; I knew he hated clingy lovers… And still. It must have been the cuddling. After all my self talks, telling myself that cuddling means nothing or very little to him…. It still made me feels safe. He’s dangerous that way. He made me feel safe enough to blurt out what I had purposely never told him and it shocked both of us.

He got up then, changed and left. Simple. It’s over.

Maybe it was over in the beginning. Maybe we never even had a proper beginning, just a means to an end. It could have all been avoided if it weren’t for my damned misplaced affections, and his cursed cuddling. It’s all his fault.

Or maybe it’s mine. Maybe I was so desperate that I never saw it coming, that it happened before I could stop it. Or maybe it just happened. Things like this do, you know. It’s hard to remain indifferent when opportunities that you would willingly die for come your way…

Maybe it’s no one’s fault. Maybe it’s everyone’s fault.

Whatever. I told him I loved him, and he left. He left me all alone in my room, with no one around to hear me cry, with no one to hold me or comfort me or cuddle me. And why would anyone want to? I’m just some displaced fuck, about as needed and as wanted as… God, I can't even come up with a suitable comparison.

He was so stupid. I could have offered him everything I’m sure he wanted, would have given it freely to be allowed to maintain a kind of closeness. I might even have been able to share him with all his other lovers. I’ve done it before.

Or maybe I was the stupid one. Stupid for telling him I loved him, stupid for thinking he might be willing to offer the same. Stupid for even falling in love with him. It’s all my fault. It’s all his fault. Who cares anymore, I don’t.

I can't bring myself to care about anything anymore. There’s no more reason to. I’m pitiful, right? Absolutely pathetic. I know that, yet I still can't seem to change.

What I wouldn’t give to have him cuddle me again, or even talk to me. I haven’t seen him in days. I think I’m going mad.

How do you confine the ice?

I don’t know. Aside from chipping of pieces to refine it…

There’s nothing I can do.

And somehow…

I know for a fact…

That I’m starting to freeze up inside…

It’s so cold now.