We see a man walking through a grand hall. This man has all the looks of a paladin about him, strong jaw, long sword and even the symbol of a cross about his breastplate. But he is not a paladin, for he gone against the church and their ways. He believes that all people have a chance for redemption, but they do not. They believe that all evil, darkness (for what is the difference?) must be destroyed.

But the main reason was that he would not torch a village that was said to hold inside an insidious person name Dread Lady. So, he was off, cast out of the world of light and priestly hood (which apparently as of late has gotten a bad reputation). But it did not matter, as long as he had his faithful shield and sword nothing could stop him. "Sword and shield check!" shouted a nearby clerk, "all cast out paladins must have their sword and shields returned!"

"Doh!" said our paladin. He had forgotten about that.

So he returned his sword and shield, for he knew he had some second rate stuff at his house. When he returned to his house he found it to be ransacked. Not a single item was left! Except of course, for a tattered wooden shield and a dull long sword. "You know," he said to himself, "this sure sounds like one of those video game rpg, in which the hero is suppose to be some mighty person but starts with tenth rate weapons. (Oh yeah that reminds me. Loud thunder sound and our paladin now has tattered leather rags instead of his glorious plate mail.) "I just had to open my mouth."

So now we see our hero (who we shall call Charles, because that name sounds cool), walking out of his home city off into the world hoping to make a difference. Kill a few kobolds here, and orc raiding party there, heck, maybe even a lesser dragon. But he never knew he would have a major part in rebuilding the church of light (is that foreshadowing I here?). Suddenly a maiden who seems to have dresses hastily for her makeup is in shambles and she is missing her left shoe. "Help, Help!" She screams at Charles, "Our village is being attacked by two goblins! Oh please help our small village! Please help!"

"Sure my lady, I would be happy to help your small village dispose of these goblins," Charles proudly boasted, "Just lead the way!"

"Ok," she said a little disbelievingly, "but I have to warn you, these are some pretty nasty goblins."

"Hah!" Charles proclaimed as she led the way, "my lady I have slain many a goblin in my time. Once, I slew fifty in a single afternoon!"

"Yah, sure." She said sarcastically, "well, here is our village, those are the goblins."

"WHAT!" Charles said (sort of like this _.), "My lady those are no goblins those are fire giants!"

"Oh," she said amazed, "so that is way the last three paladins were eaten."

"Wait, you are saying that three wandering paladins were eaten by this beast and you didn't think to call the church?!" He yelled.

"Well you see," she said while transforming into a fire giant herself, "there really isn't a town, I just do that so courageous idiots like yourself will come here. So my two husbands and I can dine on your flesh."

"Oh mashed crab cakes," Charles said, "Curse my DIDS. (Damsel in distress syndrome, for more information about this, e-mail me at for my theories ((yes I have theories!)) on this.) Well, [unsheathes sword] if I have to go down, at least it is fighting giants not a band of kobolds.

Charles raises his shield and charges at one of the three giants leg, trying to cut their hamstring or ankle mussel. But, one of the giants picks him up, preparing to devour him. In a desperate attempt he flings his sock in their (don't ask me how! He just does.), and fortunately the giant dies from the fumes. "Wow, I guess I do need to wash my socks more then once a decade." Charles says silently to himself, "Oh crud, this fall is going to hurt."

Charles tries to land gracefully, but he is still trapped in the hand of the dead giant. He tries in vain to release himself before the giant and giantess come close enough to grab him. He frees, himself just in time. For the giantess had just thrown a fireball at the hand incinerating it. "Wow, that gives me an idea," Charles mutters, "wait, no it doesn't, well back to slicing tendons tactics."

Charles tries in vain to even break the skin on the giant. Then steps away trying to figure out why this isn't working, luckily he dodged another fireball thanks to his incredibly dull sword. Which, luckily burned off the giant's foot. "What the hell did you do that for!?" The giant roared at his wife, "Now I won't be able to even walk without crutches you hag!"

"Well at least I am trying to make an effort to catch him!" she yelled back, "if seemed like you wanted him to slice your tendon off!"

"Yeah, I would love that, who wouldn't want to be peremently disabled forever?" he screamed.

So, the giant and giantess kept on arguing like that for hours. Which gave Charles a chance to raid their treasure stash. Which held a far sharper sword, a kite shield, and chain mail. Plus, Charles felt like he learned something from this experience, only trust damsels in distress if they are super hot and have all their makeup on.

Well, that's it for the first chapter of this wacky story. So, how do you like it so far? Please review it, if you have the time.