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Deer Editor Sylph,
by m maldonado
Febriary 17
Deer Editor Sylph,
Hello, Mistter or Missus Sylph, Editor of Anubis' Obsidian Ankh Magazine. I am riting yu too try and git my storie pubelisht. It iz call kaled "shoot in the Derk’, and it iz abot killars. Thank yu fir fer 4 yore tim.
Sinsearlee,
Edgar Runsdoon
February 28
Dear Mr. Runsdoon,
Thank you for your submission to A. O. A. Magazine. Unfortunately, your story does not meet our criteria. Try us again with more suitable material.
Daemon Sylph
Daemon Sylph, Editor
Martch 3
Deer Mr Sylph,
Kan yu tell me whut Im doen doin wrung?. It wood reely help.
Sinsearlee,
Edgar Runsdoon
March 12
Dear Mr. Runsdoon,
Here’s a few pointers for you, Mr. Runsdoon (don’t worry; lots of people have trouble when they start writing).
First of all, your story, though potentially interesting, was boring and easily dissected: I could tell from the first paragraph that the girl was the killer. To make suspense work you have to keep the reader unaware of what’s going on outside of their point of view. Don’t let yourself slip and tell the readers something that ruins the plot.
Second, you obviously have little or no practice at writing. Or at reading, for that matter: most readers can write with few spelling mistakes. Try to use a word processor with a spellchecker next time, as it really helps.
Finally, your characters were flatter than a week-old glass of soda. They didn’t show any emotions other than anger (in the girl) and fear (in the boy). That kind of characterization kills the believability.
Hope you found this of use,
Daemon Sylph
Daemon Sylph, Editor
March 24
Deer Editor Sylph,
Toke yore advice own the spellchecker. It riley dose help my righting.
Hear is my second store, coaled "Shut Done". Its abut bad computers and what happens two too humans in the fuchsia. Hoop it is bitter thin lost time.
Sincerely,
Edgar Random
April 2
Dear Mr. Runsdoon,
We here at A. O. A. appreciate your eagerness to participate in our magazine, but you still need to improve your writing. The spellchecker isn’t enough; you have to know what words mean and in what situation they should be used. The plot for "Shut Done" (should that be "Shut Down"?) was better than your last story’s, but the spelling and grammar mistakes ruined it. If you can correct them, and make a few repairs, we may be able to use your manuscript.
Daemon Sylph
Daemon Sylph, Editor
April 12
Deer Editor Sylph,
Hear is "Shut Down" aging. I hove mode sum changes end fluxed every spilling mistook. Hoop I did bitter this time.
Sincerely,
Edgar Roman
April 25
Deer Editor Sylph,
Did my story got lost? I did nut heir from you, sew I taught the male people missed some thong up. I um growing to give you the story again, jest in cast.
Sincerely,
Edgar Randy
May 1
Deer Editor Sylph,
Ore you sick, Mr Sylph?. I hoop knot. Dud you nut get my story? Maybe toes male curriers last it like lost thyme. Ill let you hove another cowpie.
Sincerely,
Edgar Ransom
May 14
Dear Mr. Runsdoon,
I have tried to be reasonable and helpful with you, Edgar, but it’s time for the truth to come out: your stories are absolutely horrible! I get migraines just trying to figure out what you’re saying! "Shut Down", in all it’s forms, is utterly incomprehensible! Homonyms and typos have infested your writing to the point where I’m not sure if you meant to use "Mister" or "missed her"! And the characters are both flat and boring! It’s like trying to write the plot for some shitty zombie horror movie through one of the zombies! An uncreative zombie!
Never send Anubis’ Obsidian Ankh any more of your "work". It’s not wanted.
Daemon Sylph
Daemon Sylph, Editor
May 17
Deer Editor Sylph,
I am sure you ore under a lit of Straus, sew Ill give you another copy of my store "Shut Down". Hoop you feel butter.
Sincerely,
Edgar Runner
THE ELDRITCH TIMES
Obituaries
Edgar Runsdown, one of the friendliest fellows in our community, died in an explosion at his house on May 22. Eyewitnesses say that Mr. Runsdown had gone into his home with the mail in hand, just seconds before everything on his property was decimated, suggesting death by mailbomb. Indeed, evidence of a package was found, but not of a mailbomb: excavators eventually found a plain-looking brown package, inexplicably intact. This package was found to contain one copy of Anubis’ Obsidian Ankh, a horror/suspense magazine that he was quite fond of. There was also small cardboard box by the package, containing what the police believe is an Ancient Egyptian talisman, made of some sort of black glass.
Solid evidence on Mr. Runsdown’s death, however, is still unavailable.
