Note: This is from my perspective, which most likely will conflict with yours. This is not to be taken uber-seriously. Think of it as an opinion piece. Keep an open mind. Set your soul free. All that stuff.

When grown-ups think of teenagers, they picture disrespectful, reckless, undisciplined youths running around pissing people off. Basically, the rebel without a cause. While a large handful of teens may fit this definition, the vast majority of American teens are nothing like that. But they are also not suitable for the image of the good-looking, stressed out, usually righteous young adult who has to make tough decisions and face complicated situations. That is the sort of fairy tale drama reserved for soap operas and primetime television shows. So I have taken it upon myself to reexamine the enigmatic world of the adolescent and dash those foolish Madison Avenue views to pieces.

Being a teenager isn't about doing what was mentioned above. Mostly, it's about staying up till three in the morning playing violent computer games and possibly finishing that FLE that was due four days ago. It's about talking to your friends online while at the same time keeping your term paper Word file active in the background as a cover in case your parents barge into your room. It's about cutting class to go hang with your other class-cutting buddies. It's about maxing out your parent's credit cards with expensive shoes and pants because it's the last chance you'll get to make their life a living hell. It's about doing math homework in art class while your teacher's taking aspirin to quiet her throbbing migraine. It's about cramming 60 pages of biology into your sleep-deprived brain at 2:15 AM for tomorrow's test. It's about worrying about the SATs and a social life at the same time. It's about sleeping more in class than at home. Basically, being a teen is being as irresponsible as humanly possible while still maintaining an atmosphere of detached arrogance.

I’m probably not the best person to ask, because I don’t do many of the usual things that someone would except a normal teen to do. Indeed, I’m one of those outcast type people who mumble nonsensical gibberish (You have to use Longicolnis on Shaher to break his barrier) to his other outcast friends.

But this isn’t about me. It’s my commentary on other teenagers, because it’s fun scrutinizing them. Based on 3 years of silent observation, I can now divide them into several classes. So without further ado, I present:

Let’s start with the seventh graders. In my school, the grades run from seven (scum) to twelve (senior). This makes for a large diversity in character and attitude. Sevens, as we like to call them, are generally the most despised and disrespected. This may seem unfair, but in practice it’s not. It’s like hazing the new guy.

Generally, this goes for the lowest grade in any middle or high school. The lowest grade in any school usually gets the brunt of the abuse. But it doesn’t really matter because they’re all the same. These pint size brats come into school with real hopes and real dreams, so it’s our job to prepare them for the crushing pressures of high school by slowly reducing their self-esteem to that of a pine cone, through verbal insults and physical farce. I had to suffer through it. As a seven, I was supposed to not argue with people bigger and supposedly smarter than me. I was supposed to not cut the lunch line, not talk back to seniors, and generally crawl through the halls like the lowly maggot I was. At least, that’s the way it used to be. Now these sevens, damn, they have no respect anymore. There’s a fine line between spunk and plain insolence, and those curs have crossed it repeatedly.

The boys. Seventh grade boys are in a species by themselves. I’ve classified them as "idiots" or "nerds". Both of the types play Yugioh. Yeah, that’s right, the card game ripped off of Magic. It’s not necessarily a stupid concept, but it’s been overdone. Remember Pokemon? Vaguely. The Yugioh franchise is being overmarketed and overmerchandised, just like those once-popular pocket critters. It wouldn’t surprise me if I see that guy who created Yugioh flipping burgers at McDonalds in a matter of months. Honestly, the only thing I’ve EVER seen the sevens do or talk about is Yugioh or video games. Frankly I can’t think of a worse topic for conversation. Well, actually I can, but it would be too painful to think about it.

Then the girls in seventh grade. They’re like the girls in my grade actually, whom I will discuss in length later, except smaller. Generally, they move in large groups, chatter like squirrels on steroids, and are royal pains in the ass. Not that they’re stupid. It’s just that they know they’re superior to the boys in their grade (which, in fact, they are) and they act like it. They don’t move through the halls like a good obedient seven, they talk loudly and bump into bigger people. The only problem is, they can’t tell the difference between a sniveling little seven and a hulking, cynical, sharp-witted high school teen.

I’m gonna skip to my grade now.

There seem to be several different types of teenagers. Not just in my school, but in schools in general. I will analyze boys first.

First, I will divide the males into race/ethnicity. Asian. Jewish. Black. Hispanic. And the rest. These can be divided into subcategories.

The Asians. Or Azns, depending on how much of a wanker you are. Actually that was just my excuse to use a word with "-ank". Swank. Prank. Bank. Tank. Anyway, Azns can be grouped into "gangsters" (gangstas), those nerdy math people, and the athletic ones that aren’t gangsta but aren’t nerds either. Remember, this is for guys.

According to my imaginary research, Azn gangstas are wannabe black people. They are one and the same. The only difference between black gangstas and Azn gangstas are skin color. I’ve seen them. You’ve seen them. They’re generally the hip, slick, popular boys. Lessee, I believe there’s a few in my biology class. For example, this person whom I will refer to as "James". Ultra-swanky North Face backpack. Rap and hip hop in his CD player. A copy of SOURCE magazine. Uber-retarded gelled, spiky hair. Anything else? Yes, Timberland boots. Sean John. Mecca. More North Face. RL jeans. Urban fashion, all around. It doesn’t get any more gangsta than that. All you need is a couple of silver chains, a gold earring and a tattoo of a dragon, and you’d be rapping to the Chinese-inspired lyrics of Sean James-Diddy.

The thing is, they talk and they joke in the hallways and outside of school, but they don’t make a peep in class. It’s amazing. Here I am, doodling violent caricatures and finishing my Spanish homework, occasionally answering a question or two to allay suspicion, and the gangstas are virtually nonexistent. I didn’t even know they were in my class until the third month of school. They only speak when called on, and even then, they slur and try to bullshit the teacher, which doesn’t work because only an elite few possess the ability to successfully BS.

Next. Nerdy math geniuses. I know lots of them. I’m one of them. We’re smart. ALL YOUR BASE BELONG TO US!

But I digress. We’re pale skinned, video game playing, out-of-shape, somewhat crazy, gibberish-speaking eggheads with nothing better to put our time into than academics and/or video games. We’re lazy, yes. At least I am. And some of us really despise what we’re being taught. But that doesn’t mean we can’t ace every test without taking notes in class. We’re familiar with computer hardware, RPGs and other trivial bits that no one else wants to hear.

I am also aware that this class extends to other peoples, such as this Russian guy I know. His name is Kirill. In his own words, he is a "hardcore gamer". He’s slightly megalomaniacal. He likes to gloat to other people and make them feel inferior. He likes to abuse the seventh graders. He likes to laugh at other people’s misfortunes. And he wants to be a lawyer. This makes him unique, albeit a little insane.

Next up. The athletic people. In my particular school, this includes big, strong, fast, mostly Asian people who possess the ability to outdo me in any form of physical activity. Like this guy I will refer to as Eng. He likes to punch me. A lot. He also enjoys pissing off James. Actually, everyone likes to abuse James, even me, even though he’s "gangsta". You’d think that would deter us, but it just makes us want to kick his ass even more. Back to Eng. He’s not bright. But he’s strong. Damn, if he ever reads this, I’m gonna be in for a world of hurt.

Okay, moving on to Jewish people. These guys are the chili that spices up the fries. The ones I know are all eccentric, sarcastic, pro-Semitic, anarchist dissenters who talk too much for their own good. They’re more in touch with the political and current event scene than other people in school, which makes them funnier and more prone to arguments with social studies teachers. I see them as the comic relief and an essential part of the social structure of the school. What’s funnier than a short, angry Jew who likes to crack jokes about the American governmental system? Not many things.

"This is not a potato." I love that line. Friedman stuck it on Schanback’s back. Then he tried to stick another Post-It with the word "Fat" on his chair. My biology teacher caught him. Hilarity ensued.

Juish pryde. 4 life.

That’s all the major classes. Of course, there are always single individuals who don’t fit into either. But this is just for the boys. Next up, girls! Dun dun dun! It’s a whole different perspective when it comes to girls.

Let’s start by clearing something up. Those typical high school stereotypes? They don’t exist. Just something Hollywood and the media made up to crank out bad movies about high school life. Needless to say, none of that stuff is true. Why? Because it’s outdated. Perhaps those roles were prevalent back in the 70’s. You know, geeky nerd, slutty cheerleader, boneheaded jock, but to understand real teens now, you must fast-forward a couple of decades. And you must experience high school for yourself. The producers who made the movies and television shows starring high school teenagers are no doubt fat, greasy-haired hobos who can only dimly remember the good old days when they used to play right tackle for the school football team. And with that lost age come the usual stereotypes that are so often proliferated in the media. Even though it isn’t true for us cynical, alienated punk teens because all that stuff was 30 years ago. Life has evolved much since then.

So now we come to the fun part. The girls.

I am not a girl. I think we can agree on that. As such, I do not fully understand why they do what they do. But that won’t stop me from making irrational generalizations and poorly worded observations, because that’s what you came here for right?

As I write this, I will draw examples not just from the school that I go to (which is over 50 miles away from my house) but also from neighborhood schools in my area of residence (yeah, those horrible public schools). I do this because generally, public school teenagers are more typical, and as such, easier to scrutinize.

I used to go to a public middle school, back in 6th grade. We weren’t teens yet, but we were trying to be. I can remember three kinds of girls. The popular one that everyone knew, the bitchy rebellious one, and the happy-happy, kawaii, fangirl who could speak Japanese. It seems like they carried over to high school.

Actually, I think all girls are a mix of the three. But I digress.

I met this seventh grade girl who was a friend of another person I know who went to public school. Let’s call her Nocturndragon. She was an arrogant fool. Foul-mouthed as a sailor and twice as ugly. I think the sevens in her school were NOT the bottom rungs of the ladder, so the arrogance and foolishness can be accounted for. When I first saw Nocturndragon, I patronized her for a while, until she cursed me out and flipped me off. I don’t stand for disrespect like that, especially from a seven. I eventually got drawn into a swearing contest with her. I won, just barely, using words that would probably get me arrested and thrown in juvie.

That was an example of the rebellious kind. Those nonconformist tomboyish punkass teens that are in reality, just being conformist because of their non-conformity. They are disgruntled, angry, possibly drugged up losers. No real respect for any authority. Actually, there are people like that in both genders. Only for the guys, that pent-up anger turns into violence. For girls, your guess is as good as mine.

Next the fangirls. They may have some other name, but I like to call them the fangirls. They’re an interesting lot. As we all probably know, they like anime and cute things and other stuff related to anime and cute things. They’re the ones that make webpages devoted to layout galleries and pointless Japanese animation trivia. I’ve seen some of the sites. They’re completely redundant.

I don’t see why they like Japanese animation more than American animation. Don’t let the crapload of crappy shows on those weekday afternoon kids networks discourage you. I know they suck. Most American animation sucks. But there are a couple that make up for all the shoddiness. Like Futurama. That was a great show before it got screwed over by FOX. Those bastards. But better yet, the Simpsons. You haven’t seen animation until you’ve watched Homer and Bart and their crazy antics. Their take on Japanese cartoons is especially hilarious.

"Check it out Lis. It’s Japanese animation."

"Foolish robot! Now I will be the ruler of the Roboverse! Hahahahahahaha!!"

"No! ACTIVATE PRAWN POWER!"

"Wow, that Princess Tempura is one heck of a Transformazoid!"

Classic. Just classic. How can you not laugh?

"We now return to FIGHTING SEIZURE ROBOTS!!!!!"

Good times. So moving on. There’s a girl whom I will call Princessxzero that lives next door to me and goes to a public middle school as well. She’s one of those hyperactive fangirls who constantly babbles about which fictional and digitally rendered character on which lame excuse for a television show she happens to like at that particular moment. Oh yes, she was quite into this one guy from this one show, whose name I choose to forget. I regard her with condescending, barely hidden contempt while she bitches and moans about her website and her hopeless love life and her online friends and whatnot. It made me quite gratified that there are people with worse lives than I.

It’s always amusing to see them running around like little chipmunks and jumping up and down…like little chipmunks. It never fails to bring a smirk to my face and a quizzical look to my countenance. Most entertaining.

Finally, the popular girls. I think this includes every smart white girl and every talkative Asian girl. Funny thing is, I’ve never seen a girl being outcast. I’ve never heard of girls going psycho and gunning down people in a crowded hallway. You’d think there are at least one or two who are angry and disillusioned, but there aren’t. They all have friends.

People that aren’t popular generally don’t like the people that are in the positions of popularity. This has been proved true time and time again, from the dawn of mankind to the present day. Not that popularity is everything. Popularity means nothing. It’s just human nature to desire something that someone else has.

Back to the real point. These particular girls are just as hip and popular as their male counterparts. Remember the Azn gangstas? Well, they’re back, in female form. Different name brands, different styles of clothing, same attitude. Except they usually do better in academics than the guys. That seems to be one of the mysteries of life.

These are the ones that max out their buddy list. The ones that stick around in the locker hallway even after it’s been closed. The ones that don’t seem to put any effort at all into their studies (at least I make it seem like I put effort). The ones that chatter away like broken records at lunch, but don’t make a sound during class.

They are ignorant. But they seem content. I’ll leave it at that.

So you see, there are numerous class settings in which a high school teen may fall into. And I know there’s many more that I haven’t covered. And I know that different schools contain different people. Well, this is about my school. This is what I see, what I think, what I feel. Disagree? Then go write your own.