Summer’s over.

Fall’s here.

And fall heralds the return of school and the classroom, and the sounds of gleeful little children ring in the cool autumn dawn as they hurriedly board the bus on their way to school, chatting excitedly amongst themselves about the new teachers they’ll get, new friends they’ll make, new subjects they’ll learn, and what a great year this’ll be.

The sounds of chairs scraping against the clean linoleum floors can be heard as kids of all sizes and ages file into their new classrooms, looking for familiar faces to sit down next to. Friends are reunited after a long summer apart and schoolbags are emptied as brand new notebooks and pencils are taken out and placed neatly on the desk. Smiles and bright, eager eyes plaster the countenance of every child in the room as they wait in anticipation for their new teacher to arrive.

Is the new teacher a she or a he?

Will the new teacher be nice?

Do you think she’ll like us?

I wonder if this year we’ll learn algebra?

I can’t wait for school to start!

Oh boy! This is gonna be the best year ever!

Yeah, so school’s now upon us, and with the advent of the new academic year, comes a whole shitload of new things for us to ponder and get confused about. What teachers will I get this year? What class will I be in? Will my friends be in the same classes? What useless facts will I learn and promptly forget? How can I get up that girl’s skirt? Do I still know how to write my name after a summer of vegetating? Did I forget my books on the first day of school?!

Everyone asks these same questions on the first day, and understandably so. A fresh year, a fresh start, who wouldn’t be excited about the first day of school? I know I am. In fact, 24 hours ago, I was reunited with the very people whom I know and hate and hate some more. Oh, I just know this’ll be the best year ever!

And with this new beginning, a fresh slew of new subjects and classes will be waiting for us unsuspecting students, ready to cram facts and formulas down our collective throats for the next nine or ten months. In this issue of Poignant Schoolish Commentary, I will be taking a look at just some of the classes I will be taking this year and in years past. In between I may possibly rant about why my schedule sucks to an alarming extent.

Math: Trigonometry

Can’t you just feel the electricity in the air when those crazy sines and cosines go head to head in a battle of mathematical proportions? Proportions, of course, being another of the sub-topics we learned in math. Trigonometry is a tricky subject though, what with the triangles and tans and all. So here’s a little mini-review for you math-challenged idiots out there.

Sine = Opposite side/hypotenuse

Cosine = Adjacent side/hypotenuse

Tan = Opposite side/Adjacent side

Tan = Sine/Cosine

Sine 30 = ½

Tan 45 = 1

Cosine 60 = 1

All sines, cosines, and tangents are positive in Quadrant One.

Only sine is positive in Quadrant Two.

Only tan is positive in Quadrant Three.

Only cosine is positive in Quadrant Four.

Use this handy mnemonic: Amphetamines Speed Toke Crack.

The square root of the hypotenuse of the cosine of the smallest angle in a right triangle is equal to the arc sine of the cotangent of the product of the largest angle and twenty-seven.

A graphing calculator can be used to show the average, the standard deviation, the arc tangent, and the complete pointlessness of taking trig class when you have a tool powerful enough to graph the equation y = 2x cosine 90 and play Galaxian at the same time.

Social Studies- Global/American History

This year, I have to take some more world history up until the Cold War or something, and also a semester of American History. What this means is a clearer awareness of the role America has played in shaping the world’s history. What it also means is two more term papers and countless hours of memorizing my fifty ton textbook. And ultimately, what that means is more procrastinating and slacking on my part.

But I realize that for some history and global studies do not come as easily as it does for others. Learning the entire history of the world over the course of 4 year is a daunting task for anyone. Who would possibly want to wade through 5 millenia of human achievement and 800 pages of text in order to find where the Battle of Passchendale was fought? And that is why I have prepared a comprehensive timeline of all the important instances in world history. For study purposes of course.

15 billion years ago: With the force of a gazillion supernovas, the Big Bang appears out of nowhere and blasts existence into existence.

4 billion years ago: Earth, a bundle of molten rock and scorching lava, is formed. Man not formed on the sixth day.

600 millions years ago: The first microbes and living organisms appear out of the primordial soup. Nasty little buggers, they were.

65 million years ago: A giant meteor or similar catastrophic event kills all the dinosaurs, paving the way for humanity to roam free and run roughshod over the planet.

64 million years ago to 0 AD: A lot of shit happens, including the evolution of humans to indistinct gorilla types to the fine specimens of intelligence and courage we are today.

4 AD: Jesus crucified. The unleashing of a plague, err, religion upon the world.

961: Otto I becomes first Holy Roman Emperor, ironically becoming head of an empire that was neither holy, nor Roman.

1000-1200s: Crusades. Doesn’t accomplish much for Christendom. But it does result in the sacking of Constantinople. I’ll bet that was an enjoyable time for all!

1492: Columbus sails the ocean blue. Despite the fact that he stumbled upon the new world entirely by luck, he manages to get credit for it, also conveniently ignoring the fact that the Vikings discovered it a few centuries earlier.

1789-92: French Revolution. Followed by the Reign of Terror, and the rise of Napoleon, resulting in France conquering much of Europe. Many heads roll.

1914: Start of World War I. Bombs explode. Bullets pierce through cloth, skin, bones, and whatnot. People die. Nothing important accomplished.

1920s: Great Depression. Stock market crashes, people forced to leave their jobs. The number of building-jumping incidents skyrockets. The cause: evil communist plot to overthrow capitalism.

1944: Pearl Harbor attack on the United States. Roosevelt decides he’s not gonna let those yellow devils smack America around. Enters war against Japanese and allies himself with Britain and France. Once again, people die.

1980s: I am born. If you remember just one thing all year, make it this one.

Science: Chemistry

Now if you’re like me, and I hope that you are not, then you’ll be looking forward to learning about the wonders of chemistry this year. Chemistry, of course, being the study of atoms and molecules and how we can manipulate them into destroying entire cities with a well-timed explosion. But sometimes it’s hard to keep track of those crazy subatomic particles and the numerous exceptions to Graham’s Law. I know that there are dozens of students out there whose heads spin every time they see that they have to find the molecular weight of H2SO4. Well, you’re in luck again because I will be providing a handy study sheet, just in time for school.

Water is the universal solvent.

A fat molecule is made of triglycerides and three lipids.

There comes a time in every Acid’s life when he gets these strange feelings stirring inside and starts to notice sexy Miss Base. They get together, make a little "chemistry", and in the end, produce a beautiful baby named Salt. This is neutralization.

When hydrochloric acid mixes with the weak acids and bases on your skin, the effect is equal to placing your hand into a rusty food processor set on "atomize".

Avogadro’s Law states that the volume of a gas is directly proportional to the number of gas particles present if the temperature and pressure are held constant.

One mole is 6.02 X 1023 of a certain particle, possibly air, possibly donuts, possibly unsold copies of Mariah Carey’s "Glitter".

4KOH + 15H2O4(NO3) = Something that will inevitably explode.

Boyle’s Law states that the temperature of a gas is equal to the amount of moles over the heat of vaporization of water to the fourth power times the relative humidity of the state of Florida.

English: Grammar and Creative Writing

In English, we’ll probably have to read some more books, and then write essays accordingly. This might not sound like much fun, and it isn’t. What’s fun, however, is scaring the incoming grade by saying that the books are 1000 pages long and are about social issues in Victorian England. This doesn’t make for a fascinating experience in English class, but lo! There’s more! After all, writing an effective essay requires more than a tentative grasp of symbolism and the ability to bullshit pages of ambiguous rambling. It requires a firm knowledge of English grammar. Now during the summer, you’ve probably reverted back to the webspeak and ebonics you use on the Internet, but don’t worry. I’ve provided a comprehensive grammar guide below so you can get back up to scratch.

A complete sentence consists of a subject and a predicate.

"He runs" is a complete sentence.

"Rotting and burning in the deepest, dankest, demon-infested circles of hell with the three heads of Satan stabbing me with flaming, poison-tipped carrots" is not a complete sentence.

An adverb describes a verb, adjective or another adverb.

I before E, except after C, D, M, lowercase P, the "th" diphthong, and semicolon. Also, when followed by Q, more than three consonants in a row, or when the next word is a number or the word "president". However, if I-E is followed by the letter V, then I is automatically before E, unless of course, you’re a dumbass who can’t even spell "retrieve".

The indirect object of the direct object is not necessarily found in the prepositional phrase, but rather can be used in such a way as to make the subject the direct object by circumventing it with the fourth auxiliary verb of the predicate, in which case the preposition can be written in the subject but only after the noun and before the indefinite article.

It’s not enough to know these rules, however. You must be able to utilize them to such an extent that they dazzle your teacher as to hide the glaring inconsistencies and contradictions of your poorly-written, badly conceived, essay full of mindless drivel, yet shining of perfect grammar. And to be able to use them well requires knowledge of the particular book or essay you have been assigned. Below is a list of books frequently encountered in high school English classes, along with brief summaries. Under each title is a list of themes and symbols found in those books, as to make essay writing and classroom discussions easier. When you’re done with these, you’ll never need Cliffnotes ever again!

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

A boy named Huck and a black named Jim raft down the Mississippi River, getting into all kinds of trouble and having great adventures which feature the main character, as per the title.

Themes: slavery, racism, childhood innocence, ignorance, imagination, prejudice, extensive use of swear words

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

A boy named Holden Caulfield gets into many fun-filled adventures, half of which has to do with his sister.

Themes: teenage independence, phonies, rebellion, growing up, having sex, why life sucks in general

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

A young boy unexpectedly comes upon a great fortune, unexpectedly provided by that crazy old convict who unexpectedly met him in the cemetery that one day long ago. Just chock full of surprises.

Themes: maturity, immaturity, petty vengeance, cruelty, retribution, loyalty, money, Jaggers’ OCD, cleanliness, how being an ass alienates you from all your friends

Macbeth by Shakespeare

A man prophesized to rule all of England assassinates his king, sees ghosts at night, and goes crazy while his wife does all the dirty work.

Themes: vengeance, murder fantasies, blood, insanity, ghosts, imaginary knifes, fate, humanity’s innate wickedness, everything that smacks of devil worship

The Chosen by Chaim Potok

A series of unfortunate events befall two Jewish boys, leading to their initial friendship, falling out, then reconciliation. Boring as hell.

Themes: Judaism, silence, suffering, Zionism, what the title "Chosen" refers to, becoming a rabbi, possibly things relating to the Torah

Health: Sex Education

Sex education, or health as we call it in my school is relatively speaking, a new class that was introduced to teach to us uneducated and sexually explorative teenagers about the wide world of sex. Naturally, this includes discussions on erectile dysfunction, tampons, different brands of condoms, and numerous instructional videos depicting the human reproductive system in bright, detailed, rainbow-friendly colors designed to educate, and to a greater extent, illicit giggles from idiot boys who crack up at the word "boner". Now that’s what I call edu-tainment!

Some things I learned in sex ed:

The prostate gland, the vas deferens, and the seminal vesicles make up the white fluid called "semen", used to provide a moist and nutrient-rich environment for the sperm to travel to and successfully impregnate the egg.

The male testicles are stored in a special sac called the scrotum designed to provide an optimum temperature for sperm production.

The female egg is about a bazillion jillion times larger than the male sperm.

Frequent masturbation reduces the risk of prostate cancer by reducing the amount of carcinogens in the reproductive glands.

You cannot increase penis size by having constant sex because the penis is not a muscle; it is a network of blood vessels that enlarges whenever blood flow to the penis is increased, resulting in what scientists call an "erection" and what 14 year old boys call "my engorged rock-hard love pole".

The Trojan Magnum condom can stretch up to 14 inches in length and 2 inches in diameter. Its reservoir tip can hold about 4 fluid ounces of semen. Thus, if you were to fill it up with water, it would make an excellent water balloon.

Mountain Dew, contrary to popular belief, does not kill sperm.

Although semen contains many nutrients, it is not possible for one to live on a desert island subsisting on semen along.

Generally, the taste of a man’s semen varies according to the foods you eat. If a man eats a lot of meat and onions, his semen will generally taste foul. If a man eats many greens and fruits, his semen will be sweeter and have a thicker consistency. Just another reason to eat your vegetables.

This is just a taste of what’s to come in your future high school years. I’ve only touched the tip of the proverbial iceberg here, as there are hundreds of thousands of millions of other classes you might be able to take at your local high school. Classes which you may find fun and exciting, or yet another obstacle in your unending quest to drop out of high school at an unprecedented rate. Whatever it is you set your mind to, more power to you.

High school is a bit more challenging than what you’re probably used to, but with a little hard work, luck, and this guide right here, you're sure to pass with flying colors, leaving you with more time to do whatever the hell it is people like you do. Now go out there, take your classes like you mean it, study like you actually enjoy it, and review this like it was the best thing you ever read.