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A/N: This songfic is based on Gackt’s song, Missing ~egao o misete~, the ninth track on his MOON album. The song itself is quite happy, but I chose to write it as angst … It’s still one of my favourite songs by far. Hope minna enjoys it! BTW, please be dreadfully nice [what a combination of words] to me and review it ok? I don’t mind flames but please don’t use any bad words … I’ll like to know how I fared! ^___^

Credits: Credits go out to firstly, Gackt Camui, who wrote this fabulous song and lyrics. Secondly, to Mina-P and Mako-chan, who helped to romanize all his Japanese lyrics and translate them into English. Lastly, my thanks to Keax, who has helped me analyse the parts of the lyrics I don’t know how to write about and for introducing me to Gackt. ^___^

For: Auryn-chan, Sue-Lynn-chan, Fumi-chan, K-chan … we LOVE Gackt! And for all fans of Gackt … ^___^v

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[machikado de mitsuketa ano koro no kimi to yoku niteiru ushiro sugata
hitogomi ni afureta toori o nukedashite
ashibaya ni oikaketeita]

{The figure I saw from behind on the street corner looked just like you did then
I slip away from the street overflowing with crowds
And quickly chased after you}

She looked familiar. The almond-shaped, hazel eyes, the fair, smooth, perhaps flawless skin, the tall build. The long willowy auburn hair. The wisp of hair forever flying onto her face. Most of all, her smile, as she reached out to tuck the wisp behind her ear.

Could it be …? I hesitated for a moment. I dropped my bags and broke into a run. People looked at me as if my sanity was questionable, but I didn’t honestly care. All I cared about was the figure ahead of me, walking, quickly, but surely, disappearing from my sight.

I pushed my way through the throng of people. “Watch it!” Some yelled. She was disappearing, she really was. Fear filled me. In a moment, she was going to head towards a corner of the building, and vanish from my sight. I willed my feet to run faster. Anything, anything, just to see her once again.

[itsumo soba ni iru no ga atarimae to omotta ano koro ni wa
konna boku de sae aishitekureteta kimi made kizutsuketeta
"kimi o hanasanai... hanashitaku wa nai..."
ima demo todokimasu ka?
ano koro to kawaranu omoi ga...]

{At that time, I thought that you would always be by my side
I even kept hurting you who loved me
"I won't let you go... I won't want to let you go..."
Even now, does it reach you?
The feelings that haven't changed from that time}

Memories resurfaced and flashed by in a second. I remembered everything. I saw it all once again, as if it was happening once again. Her by my side. The cookies she baked for me. The late nights we both stayed up, talking to each other. Her calm and soothing voice reassuring me, when someone had threw a dark cloth over my somewhat bright future.

All the things she did for me. I just couldn’t bring myself to admit, that, perhaps, I did loved her. I was afraid of love. Scared of what it might do, when it has mercilessly tortured me more than once. I just couldn’t believe that she was here by my side, that she was real. Time after time I questioned myself. Was she for real? It seemed that fate had played such a cruel trick on me.

I kept running. The crowd closed in on me, and once again I fought to reach out to her. I couldn’t see her, but a part of me knew she was there. She just had to be there. Time seemed to work against me. She was, as people say, so near, yet so far.

I often wonder what would have happened if I had just told her I loved her. Thought after thought came, reprimanding me for the folly of yesterday. Perhaps we would have ended up differently? I tried to console myself. What happened had already happened. Maybe, if things had not turned out like this, I wouldn’t have realised, I wouldn’t have known, that I needed her. That I didn’t want to let her go.

She remains stubbornly in my mind, my thoughts, my being. I willed every fibre of my body to run. I don’t want to let her go …

[kizutsukeru koto de shika jibun no sonzai o kanjirarenai
oroka na boku
kurayami de obieta karada o dakishimetekureta koto
wasurenai yo]

{I only felt like I existed when I was hurt
My foolish self
You held me when I was afraid of the darkness
I won't forget that}

She made me feel worthy of myself. She made me realise that I was special. I kept these two thoughts as I ran on. She was the one, always there for me, willing to pick me up when the world deserted me. She was the one who helped me to see beyond this world.

The things she did for me out of love. She never did mention it, but somehow I don’t think she realised I knew it. I knew she loved me without mentioning the words. She never did complain when I slipped into depression; but would understand me fully and leave me to my moment of silence. It would be pointless to count all those little things. It was nothing to some, yet everything to me.

And yet, I was blind. Blind to the fact that I was someone special to her. I used to think that someone as useless, as unworthy like me, could only subject myself to loving others, not being loved.

She shared my joy, my pain, my sorrow, my angst. She cried for me when I courted death; she smiled for me when I got into university. She held me tight on the night my dog died, she wiped away my fast-falling tears.

“I’ll always be here … don’t you worry …” She whispered into my ear. It was her warm assurance that made me feel loved. For once, I wasn’t alone. Somebody was here, to walk me through the darkness. To take my hand and run into the bright, outside world, to tell me that everything was going to be okay.

[kimi to hajimete deatta hi no koto o ima demo oboeteiru yo
shizuka na kaze ni kami o yurasenagara boku dake o mitsumeteta
kitto dare yori mo issho ni ireru to omotta kimi to nara
boku de sae waraeru to omotta]

{I still remember the day when I first met you
As the soft wind swung your hair, you looked just at me
You surely thought that I would be there with you more than anyone else
If I was with you, I thought that even I could smile}

It has always been in my mind, the day I first saw her. Etched into my memory like a carving on a tree. She stood against a cedar tree, dressed in pastel shades of blue and green. Somehow - the magic of her - she blended straight into the surroundings. It was as if she belonged there; belonged to part of nature. She reached down to straighten a furled edge of her dress. The soft wind blew against her and her hair danced in the wind.

I shouted her name to get her attention. I had been assigned to her, she being the new student in college. The wind swung her hair; she turned around and smiled at me. That sweet smile of hers. She kept the smile on her face, as if keeping a secret from me. Fate once again played a cruel trick on me.

With her, I recall thinking, I could smile again. She walked towards me and took my hand. “Let’s go, shall we,” she said in that soft voice of her. It felt like being reunited with an old friend; I felt so comfortable with her. It was as if our two fates were predestined to approach each other, to intertwine with each other. Her sweetness soon melted away the ice that had long conquered my heart, and brought a smile to my lips.

[hanareru koto ga kore hodo tsurai koto da to
kizukanai furi shite kyou made hashiritsuzuketekita...]

{I didn't realize that letting go would be this painful
I pretended that and kept running until today....}

She stopped for a while and bended down, as if to pick something. This is my chance, I thought. She was just too near. I ran on, faster and faster, my heart pounding furiously against my rib cage. No … just let me have this one chance … I yelled her name as loud as I could. Startled, she dropped the object she held in her dainty hands.

She looked up for a while and searched the crowd, her gaze looking past me. No … I could feel her slip from my grasp … She shrugged and continued walking. I cursed the gods and tried to run faster, but my fate was already determined. My knees gave way and I sank to the floor. I couldn’t run anymore. The truth hit me squarely in the eye. It was all over. I don’t want to run anymore.

It was no longer good to hide the pain in my heart. It hurt like hell, it really did. I never thought letting go could be so painful. The emptiness in my heart was just too much for me to bear. All this while, I was putting on a show, trying to prove that letting her go didn’t hurt at all. It all came back to me. The pain was killing, to just watch her walk out of my life one more time.

Someone offered me a hand. He smiled at me, as if to tell me everything was okay. Ashamed, I took his hand and stood up.

“You ok?” I nod. There was nothing more that I could say. He took out his cellphone and called someone. Time stood still. I shuffled my feet awkwardly.

Then I heard it. The similar ringtone. Could it be …? I lifted my head, in surprise, in anticipation, somewhat hoping.

I saw her in the distant. She stopped, and picked up the phone, that same smile of hers appearing once again. I watched as the picture of her face turned into one of surprise. She turned around and faced us; I turned away.

The figure beside me whispered “Take care,” and walked away. Walked towards her. Against my better judgment, I turned to look at the both of them.

[boku no shiranai dareka to yorisotte aruku kimi o mitsuketa
sukoshi otona ni natta kimi wa motto suteki ni waratteta
mou nido to kimi wa nakanai de kimi wa nakanai de
egao o misete]

{You kept crying after I vanished, and I worried about you
But then I saw you walking close with someone I didn't know
You've grown up a bit, and laughed so beautifully
Never again, you won't cry again, you won't cry again
Show me your smile}

I didn’t want to disappear from her side. I had wanted to hold onto her. But we were sinking into this game too deep, and I wanted out. In the end, painful it was, I decided that being out of this dangerous game of love, was, perhaps, the only way to save her heart from further cracks. Her tears flowed freely when I told her that, and she stood there, refusing to believe the truth.

I was worried. The times she chose to ignore my phone calls, the times she refused to look my way, the tales others told about her never smiling again. I thought I had destroyed her one chance at love. Her cold and unflinching face, when I tried to tell her I thought I loved her, cut me up into pieces I would have never imagined. To watch her go out of my life had been just too painful; it was just a torture. Perhaps, it was retribution? To not return her love? I guess I would never know.

She looked up at him, her face full of love, as she once looked at me in the same way. Yeah, it definitely was her. The girl I once knew, and probably, once loved. He lowered his face to her, like I once did, and whispered something into her ears. I looked on as her face brightened, and she laughed freely. The wind blew against her face and she once again smiled that sweet, alluring smile of hers, which made me yearn, to reach out, to once again call her name.

But she wasn’t mine now, and she would never be. She held him tight and the two of them walked on, smiling, laughing, as if they didn’t have a care in the world. How could I ever think of trying to intervene? To jolt her out of her reverie? I decided to let her go, and it was my choice and mine alone. I took one last look at the both of them.

Hopefully, she would never have to cry again. She smiled one last time, and I kept that memory in my heart, hoping the sands of time would never wash the picture of her perfection. My foot unexpectedly hits something on the ground. I bent down and picked it up. A charm bracelet; one identical to the one I’ve given her. Hold on … I turned it over. There it was, in neatly carved initials.

Maybe it was a sign. Maybe the people above tried to send me a message. That she was no longer hurting, no longer crying. That she had learnt to let go. That she could finally smile. Maybe I should stop running, and smile too …

I guess I’m just happy to see her smile again …