Dear President Bush: Please don't take our American men and boys to fight in Iraq. Instead, please take all American women who are within five years of menopause...train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate and canned tuna. Then drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Iraq and let us do what comes naturally. Think about it: Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even

armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and

their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding

a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightening. We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet and the grapefruit diet and sweated in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Iraq with no food at all. We've spent years tracking down our husbands and lovers in bars, hardware

stores and sporting events - finding Saddam in some cave or bunker will be no problem. Uniting all the warring tribes of Iraq in a new government? Oh, please...we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years...we understand tribal warfare. Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick out there...including how they hide and launder money or cover up bank accounts. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it...with or without the government's help. The Iraqis hate women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their God-forsaken terrain! LET US GO AND FIGHT! Sincerely, The Mature Women of the United States