You ever want something so bad, SO BAD, but you knew you shouldn't?

You want this thing -- this stupid, elusive thing -- so much you're always thinking about it. Even when you don't think you're thinking about it, you're still thinking about it... it's lurking somewhere at the back of your mind, and soon enough you'll be turning it over again and again in your thoughts whether you want to or not.

And you still know you shouldn't.

Everything in your body and mind tells you it's stupid, that there's no logical reason you should want this stupid THING -- but then that nasty little bitch known as your heart has the idea that it should stick in its two cents, and suddenly everything's that much worse. Because that only has you thinking about it more, and now it kind of hurts when you think about it because you realize it's not a childish kind of wanting anymore, it's a genuine heartfelt kind of wanting, and it just might be the real thing. But you don't want it to be the real thing, so you spend insane amounts of time trying to push all this away and make yourself invulnerable to the whole thing, and you end up spending almost as much time not wanting this thing as you do wanting it.

Your solution is writing "I'm not in love" endlessly on lined paper during Social Problems class.

And a part of you really believes it, because you're just a stupid teenager with stupid dreams and stupid ideals and things aren't supposed to be real and tangible and painful when you're just a stupid teenager... but part of you rebels with all its strength and you can't deny that there's something there, but what it is still isn't sure yet, but this only makes things much more complicated.

Meanwhile, the show must go on, and you play your part well enough to win an Oscar, all the time with a smile on your face.

You just keep acting and wanting, wanting in silence, telling yourself it's stupid and pointless but oh god you want it so badly. Even though you shouldn't. It doesn't matter that you shouldn't, because you do.

I'd like to thank the Academy...

And as much as this thing has consumed your life, as much as you don't want to want this, it doesn't really make you sad. You're just frustrated, because everything's in a gray area and you just want some answers... because there are times when this thing is just in reach, barely an inch away, you're brushing it with your fucking fingertips, and then suddenly it's just too far away again -- but it could come back in reach, and of course it does, but always dancing just far away enough that you can't really grasp hold.

Thus bringing about the bitch known as hope.

If someone would just tell you that you can't have this thing, that it's absolutely impossible and you are stupid for wanting it, the wanting would stop, and you'd be okay. If someone would tell you that you could have this thing, woo-hoo, great, throw a fucking party, you finally have this stupid THING, and you're HAPPY, as long as this dumb gray area sharpens and the blurriness goes away and there's some black and white in the picture.

But that hasn't happened yet.

So you're stuck with this wanting until something happens.

... you ever want something so bad ...?