A/N:  In all truth, this was originally an e-mail I sent to a marching band buddy of mine.  Predictably in those types of correspondence, it is full of inside jokes.  If you enjoy reading stupid stories about people you don’t know, read on!!  You’ll love it.

THOSE DARN MISFIRING ELECTRONS

One day in the Chem lab…

Mr. Grosshans: Now the proper method for lighting a bunsen burner--

Malcolm: Hey, cool! Gas!

Mr. Grosshans: Wait a second. You turn on the gas and stick in the match--wait, why did I say that?!--

BOOM.

Dan Rather: Welcome to CBS Evening News. We open with the tragic story of an explosion that engulfed an entire high school in southwest Virginia earlier today--

Editor: (mouthing) No, no, it's southwestern Virginia, Dan!

Dan: What--sorry. Christiansburg High School in southern West Virginia.

Editor: (slaps forehead resignedly and goes for a beer)

Dan: With us now are some of the only survivors of the accident. Russ, what do you remember about the explosion?

Russ: It was Pyromidget!

Dan: Sorry, I didn't catch that. Do you remember the fireball or any smoke? The firefighters?

Russ: It was Pyromidget! I should never have encouraged him by giving him charge of that bonfire his freshman year! It was Pyro! I have created a monster! It was Mal--

(Two men in white coats escort Russ out of the studio)

Dan:(looking distinctly uncomfortable) I'm sure that's due to the trauma he's been through. Let's turn to Mr. Grady, a math teacher at Christiansburg.

Mr. Grady: Dan, my students informed me at the beginning of the year about another student in the school who was likely to blow the place up. Now I stressed to them that this was an approximation exercise rather than a calculation exercise and thus could not be precise to the level needed on the AP Calculus exam, but they brought me graphs of pyromaniacal activity the student had engaged in and the parametrically calculated odds of his being involved in an accident, and I then encouraged them to inform Mr. Grosshans about Mal--

Dan: Well, it seems our satellite has strangely gone haywire! We'll have our crew investigating that. In the meantime, let's turn to a student who miraculously escaped harm in what is thought to have been the very center of the explosion. Malcolm, what can you tell us about your experience?

Malcolm: Well, Dan, that was one sweet fire! Who knew propane had that much kick?

Dan: (leans forward with interest) So, Malcolm, do you know what started the explosion?

Malcolm: Yeah! See, Grosshans was letting us use the Bunsen Burners in chemistry and--

(Static suddenly fills his screen)

Dan: Well, we are having a lot of technical difficulties today! Hopefully we can get those worked out soon. In the meantime, it's time to move on to our next headline. A government whistleblower today claimed to have been part of an experiment in which government-funded scientists created a new weapon--Hey, what the heck are you guys doing here?!

(several men in camo run in with M-16s locked and loaded. One holds Dan at gunpoint while another fishes with the wires on the camera.)

Secret Agent Enigma: Please remain calm. All is well.

Secret Agent Loki: We'll need all your written records of this news story and interview.

Dan: what for?

(secret agent finds correct wire on camera and the screen is filled with static)

(sudden blurb onscreen)

Secret Agent Enigma: The CIA can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a government-created secret pyromaniacal human weapon...

(later at the White House)

W: And I can insure you all, that there is NO government conspiracy to create an evil indestructible nymphomaniac for use on Saddam Hussein--

Speechwriter: (slaps forehead and runs away in tears)

(later, at a sports bar)

Dan's Editor: Tough day?

W's Speechwriter: The worst.

And it was all because of those darn misfiring speech neurons...