billy in hell

“have you seen-“

the voice trails off. billy stares. they are seniors, and clustered all by the lockers. billy waits, behind the doorway, staring, where they cannot see. his breath is tense and hard, it practically screams to turn into a protestation, words, one word: NO!. billy locks his jaw shut. his face burns, and a flutter of muscle pound beneath his eyes.

“no! tell me!”

“well i didn’t think it was really the two of them-“

“stop being so dramatic! say it!”

and another voice-

“i can’t believe it, the football coaches? go on-“

billy feels a sudden peal of sickness clamp down on him, in his belly, his chest, his entire self all hard and clamped. he waits. it is a boy speaking. a boy is about to speak.

“well i was walking to my car yesterday. and they were there, by the fence, the one with all the vines, and isweartogod they were KISSING-”

billy closes his eyes. the bell rings. the boy, with an swaggering look walks off and the others follow, roped in with scandalous interest. but a girl stands alone, by her locker, staring at the combination lock. her eyes are doesn’t move, standing, staring. billy wants her to disappear into smoke-

but no. smoke is McNamara. McNamara is stars and smoke.

billy waits, his face burning.

another boy comes for the girl. he says

“can you believe this?”

and the girl says

“maybe we shouldn’t be…talking about this you know? maybe they kept it hidden…for a reason-“

the boy looks at her oddly and joins the crowd moving as one through the hallway. billy watches the girl. she sighs, and shakes her head.

then the girl walks off.

billy thinks with such a ripping sarcastic bitterness that it burns-

“one out of 1500 isn’t bad”

*

the hallways are filled with murmurs and billy walks to his own classroom, trying to keep his eyes veiled and hidden, trying not to explode into desperation. people knew. people knew. people knew.

and damn him!

goddamn McNamara!

and billy enters, and there he is standing by the window, Stars and Smoke, August, Sweat and Grass, December Cold, Astral, goddamn, goddamn, McNamara. and he turns to billy, and his face breaks into a smile, and billy turns to stone again.

“billy-?”

McNamara asks.

“goddamn. goddamn it all.”

billy whispers, and he runs out of the room. he is about to be sick.

*

it goes on, the afternoon. billy hears more and more. and there is whispering when he passes, and he leaves a parted wake of curious stares as he tries to wrap himself with careless nonchalance. he is being broadcast. All the half-phrases, “the football coaches-“ “did you hear-?” “he was kissing McNamara!” “i never would have imagine-“

and his colleagues do not say anything.

McNamara still does not seem to know. billy wants to push McNamara in front of himself, say “do not speak of me! i had no part! he made me, he stopped even my humanity, LOOK AT HIM! tell me that you do not love him too, tell me that i had A CHOICE!”

but billy does not. because he can manage being inhuman. McNamara could not. and the goddamned day ends, and there are stares as billy walks out and McNamara meets him by the car. more stares. they get in, and billy does not say a word.

“billy, I-“

McNamara starts, then frowns.

“what is it?”

there is a quiet. billy says slowly

“i have always said that this would never be okay, and that we could not. we simply could not.”

“but we have! billy-“

McNamara is turning to stars once more. they are blooming in his cheeks. they are dancing about his jawbones, they are spreading like spilled paint from his eyes.

“no. no. no. McNamara, goddamnit-“

“what happened today?”

McNamara asks.

“nothing.”

billy shakes his head bitterly. and he stares out of the window and for the first time in months he wants a cigarette so bad he could choke.

*

they get home. billy’s home really. billy unlocks the door and there is a message on the machine, and he clicks the button on. the static voice of the Principal emerges, like a snake from its dulled skin.

“william, i am sure you are aware of the rumors that have been circulating in regards to you and brian. now i would like to let you know that we have NOTHING AGAINST…” a pause “THAT SORT OF RELATIONSHIP” another pause “but we would like to remind you that it is your responsibility to-“

billy deletes it. he feels so ill again. and he turns around.

McNamara is standing behind him, so close his breath is warm beneath billy’s eyes. McNamara’s face is as bleached as moonbones, and his hands are shaking.

“oh billy- God, i-“

and billy doesn’t know what is happening, but then there is his hand balled to a fist, and his balled fist is imprinting stars on McNamara’s face, again and again and again, the sound blending into billy’s rushing blood, his heart moved right to his ear, he connects again the soft skin of McNamara’s cheeks, his eyes, again with his balled fist, and then McNamara is on the ground, and billy is on top of him, again and again, his balled fist spreading stars on McNamara’s chest, his belly, his arms, everything, like billy is memorizing McNamara’s pain, and suddenly there is blood-

all over-

billy’s-

fists.

McNamara has not said a word. billy stops. billy rolls off onto his back and he puts his hands to his face (his hands covered in blood) and billy weeps.

“my god my god my god my god my god-“

billy cannot stop weeping, and his voice turns rough as he repeats, over and over. then there is McNamara’s hands on billy’s hands, wrapping around billy’s wrists, taking them back from his eyes, and McNamara’s rose-bud face, covered with starry bruises and bleeding, and McNamara saying

“it’s all right i’m sorry i’m so sorry i’m so sorry-“

which only makes billy weep harder, until his muscles all stretch with hurt, and he grabs McNamara to him, their faces pressed and lips pressed and billy being careful of the marks along McNamara’s body, and the phone rings again, and rings, and rings, and the answering machine clicks, and-

“William? William are you there? this is the Principal-“

McNamara kisses billy softly. billy thinks that he had to be the one to hurt McNamara. McNamara could not hurt billy, billy is made of stone. billy is stone that can weep.

“what are we going to do?”

billy asks, his voice ragged.

McNamara breath is ragged too. billy thinks he has broken something.