Note. Sorry, this is pretty shitty. But hell, whatever.

I heard every word you spoke that day. You remember that day right? The day you sat and told me you loved me. The day I wanted so badly to just reach out and hold you, tell you that I loved you too…love you still.

Role reversal.

That’s exactly what this is, isn’t it. Me sat here, looking at your blank and expressionless face. Did you know that I regained proper consciousness as soon as you left? I guess their phone calls were a little too late to save you though. I tried to tell them to stop you, that you were going to be an idiot, but they didn’t, no they wouldn’t believe me. How could I know what was going to happen, I’d only just woken up hadn’t I? But, they don’t realise that I always heard you. You who always haunted my dreams, who gave me, reason to live.

Reason to live, a reason to love, just a simple reason to be. Seems, I gave you that exact reason too. How messed up are we? Me, with my ribs, arms and hand in bandages…you with your wrists. You know the really stupid thing, the thing I’m most angry about…it’s not that you tried to kill yourself to be with me, no, you see this is the really fucked up thing, it’s the fact that you marred your perfect skin. It’s those marks that are being hidden by layers of bandage that make me so fucking angry. They’re the proof that you weren’t and never will be perfect. God, before all of this happened; I used to think you were perfect. I used to believe that you were here for the sole reason of showing the world that true beauty does exist. I guess, I was wrong, or maybe I wasn’t wrong and that was your entire point of existing until I ruined it. Until I made you fall in love with me.

Made you. I did didn’t I? Made you fall in love with me that is. I saw the signs; I could have put a stop to it. But I wanted it. I wanted your love; I wanted all of your actions and thoughts to be based around me. I wanted to be the person to give you meaning, just like you gave it to me. I guess, I was just being selfish. I still am. I can’t help it though where you’re concerned.

You are everything to me and so, so much more. Words can’t and never will be able to explain to you just how important you are to me. That’s why I sit here everyday. Just staring at you, holding your hand, talking to you…just being with you like I know you were with me. The only thing is, this time I know you’re going to wake up so I don’t have to do anything stupid like you did. They’ve given you another week. They say you’ll definitely be awake by then. But…you lost so much blood and the fall…they don’t know, well they don’t know if you’ll ever be you again. They don’t know if you’ll remember who you are, who your family are…who I am. Then what.

What if, when you wake up you’re eyes don’t hold the happiness they once did. What if your eyes are dead? What if you never smile the same way, or say those words that only you would ever dream of saying. What if, what if…god, what if you don’t need me?

Existing in a world where you still breath, still love, still have hope but no memories of anything or anyone…well existing there isn’t going to be easy and to be honest I don’t know if it’s going to be possible. But, I’ll try; because we all know what giving up gets you…look what happened to us huh.

You know something; I used to dream that we’d be together. Have a house, a dog…be happy forever. I know I’m too young to want these things, 18, and I want to settle down. But, I know, that this is right. You, and me, well we were meant to be together. We were supposed to meet, fall in love…it was fates plan. So I guess, maybe this was fate, or destiny’s plan too. Maybe we were supposed to find love then have it ripped cruelly away from us before we even got to find out if it was true love or not. Or just maybe, somewhere along the line, fate gave up on us and destiny no longer had a use for two idiots like us. Or maybe, and I’m beginning to think this is true, we were never supposed to find love and we’re going to live the rest of our lives out never knowing what could have been. What should have been.

You know something funny? The other day, someone came to talk to me about moving on. ‘It’s not healthy to love you as much as I do.’ I wonder if you were given that speech too? Or maybe they never knew that you loved me…what if I’m the only person to ever know that you loved me? What if, I’m the only person who will ever hear you utter those beautiful words? What if, what if they don’t believe you could ever have loved me? Oh God. Wake up. Please, just wake up now. I need you to tell them to leave me alone. To tell them that you love me and it doesn’t matter that we’re only 18, that we’re best friends that we’re gay. I need you to tell them that this isn’t a passing phase. I need you to tell them that I… I  need you.

Why won’t you wake up? Why won’t you tell me you love me now that I’m awake so I can tell you I love you back? Why…why did you mar your perfect skin, your perfect personality…why did you steal the only reason for living from me? Why…so many whys and you can’t answer them. You might never be able to answer them.

I love you. I just need you to know. I don’t care if you don’t know who I am. I just need you to know I love you and always will. You are the bane of my existence and without you I am nothing. I cease to be.

I’m already fading. I can feel it. I’m weak; I have no resolve, no reason to be. The longer you’re in there, the more hope I lose. The less reason I have for existing. The longer you’re in that coma and I’m out here awake, the less emotion I feel. But, I’ll always love you. That will never change.

Maybe they’re right.  Maybe loving you like this isn’t healthy. But if being healthy means not loving you, then I’d rather be dead. You. Are. Every. Thing. To. Me.

Please, don’t ever forget it. Please. And, come back to me soon. I just need to now your okay. I need to know you’re not hurting. I need you to tell me you’re okay and that everything else will be okay too.

I need you to tell me that we’ll be okay. 18 and already life is quickly losing its meaning…has lost its meaning…