Soft Hands

For Aly, what I’ve written thus far.

Hands

Cracked and calloused

Rough and tanned

Reaching for you

Stroking your face

Feeling your tears

Rough hands

Needing to keep you here

Your hands

Soft and smooth

Silky and white

Pulling away

Pushing away

Doing everything they can

To make sure you don’t stay

I envy those hands

I remember now…

They broke me

You can leave my thoughts

You can leave my mind

You can forget about me

You can leave it all behind

You can walk through that door

You’ve done it before

But this time if you do,

Please don’t remember me.

Please don’t remember

My touch or my words

My face or my smile

Please don’t remember

The cuts on my arms

Please don’t remember

How I fought every night

Just to keep you from harm

Please don’t remember the pain in my soul

You might have put it there

But you don’t have to remember

If you walk away

If that’s the way you need it to be

Please, if you do nothing else

Don’t remember me

If you remembered all we had

My words and my love for you

It would just hurt me more

If I believed you knew…

Forget it now, it doesn’t matter

Forget about my love

Forget all the things I once believed

Forget your love for me

It doesn’t really matter

Forget the nights crying

Forget the days lying

Forget how you always stopped trying

Forget about me.

I remember enough for you and for me

I remember how much it hurts

Remember how it had to be

I remember you.

I remember the pain inside.

I remember the words you spoke.

I have not forgotten that you lied.

No, I still remember you.

I remember nights, but I cried alone.

I remember calling you, but you were not home.

I remember needing you, but this you could not give

I remember loving you, but it was no way to live.

Yes. I remember you.

You don’t have to remember me.

I think of you sometimes.

Hold my head and cry.

I think of the love you had for me.

And then I remember, what you say

I do not believe.

But sometimes I want to.

I remember your voice.

Harsh words, soft words.

I remember my harsh hand

Holding your soft one

I remember it breaking me apart.

I hear your lies, now I’d like to lie to myself

I’d like to believe your words

But I must believe my heart.

It did not forsake me.

It did not break me.

You did.

I hear your name, sometimes it hurts

But sometimes I just get mad

I hear your name, and I remember

So often I’m always sad.

I remember you.

I hate you, I hate you.

I love you, I love you.

The split so intense, it scares me

But what my heart is saying it feels

I have no choice but to believe.

It scares me.

Because I hate you, so much.

I hate you for what you did to me.

But I love you, because I just do.

I have no reason, no way to justify

Any love I feel for you.

The truth is, it just is.

The reason I love you,

I truly don’t know,

And when I realized I did

I knew I had to go

You did not love me

I was the habit you were too tired to break

In the end, in all honesty

I was the mistake, you were too tired to make

And so you never fought to keep me.

Never really tried to make it work.

I understand, you were too tired.

I was too, you know.

So you stood in the rain, held the door open

So you let me go.

This is what I remember.

This is all that I know.

You say now you loved me.

But you lied for so long.

You beat me and broke me

And now it feels wrong.

I need to you to break me.

It was all you were good at anyway.

You didn’t know how to love

But you knew how to make me stay

And in the end,

You knew just how to push me away.

But when I finally stood up.

When I squared my shoulders and was strong

I saw through your scam

Because I just want you to love me

With everything I am

And you never will.

So this was for you, my darling Aly.

Who I protected above the rest.

I hate you the most.

Because I will always love you best.

Sometimes I remember

How soft your hands could be,

And it was softly that they broke me.