Diet Nazis, and How to Fight Them

A couple of days ago I read a blurb on a web page that said that someone in California was trying to pass a law that would prevent people from selling Oreos to children.

O.o

It is now official--the lunatics are running the asylum.

The reasoning behind this has some merit. They claim that the trans-fatty acids (God help me, another edible I have to worry about now) that make the cookies crisp and the creamy filling creamy are dangerous in that they seem to be a high-risk factor in causing cancer, and that the manufacturer targets children in their advertising.

Okay, everything seems to promote cancer, if you eat enough of it. Remember the great saccharine scare in the seventies? I expect that if you looked hard enough, you could make a case for over-consumption of mother's milk contributing to cancer. And as to the manufacturers targetting childrent--duh? First off, I have never yet seen a child walk into a store and purchase a bag of Oreos (unless Mom was too lazy to get out of the car and sent them in, but that's beside the point).

Here I go playing Devil's Advocate:

Argument: If the trans-fatty acid thing is as serious as they claim, they could just lobby to have extra warnings put on the packaging.

Answer: And most of America would just ignore it, as they have with most other warning labels. They slapped warnings all over cigarette packages, billboards, and advertisements, but that hasn't noticably decreased the number of smokers. (And as a side rant, may I just take a moment to laugh hysterically about that commercial where the 'store owner' waxes ecstatic about how effective are the government mandated 'point of sale' warnings to teenagers about trying to purchase tobacco? I worked in convenience stores for over ten years, and I'll tell you right now that they did as much good as holding up a STOP sign in front of a forest fire.)

Argument: (siting myself) When has children walking into stores and buying bags of Oreos been a problem.

Answer: It hasn't--but you forget that now they have those snack packs, and kids could load up on them. (Okay, I know it's silly, but I'm looking at extremes here.)

Yes, I think that the government needs to be sure that the public is aware of anything widely distributed through our diet that could be a threat. But do I agree with this particular effort? No. Why? For God's sake, we have to let adults start taking responsibility somewhere down the line. Look, if you are very health conscious, you won't be eating Oreos in the first place, will you? Unless someone has been living under a rock for the past thirty or so years they know what is 'good for them' and what isn't.

Bad for you: huge, juicy steak
Good for you: broiled chicken breast

Bad for you: potato salad with lots of real mayonaise
Good for you: green salad with low fat dressing

Bad for you: Supersize french fries
Good for you: baked potato with teaspoon of butter

Bad for you: Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey
Good for you: lowfat frozen yogurt

Bad for you: Oreos
Good for you: an apple

Right, I don't compare fruit with any other type of food that could be considered a dessert. Make that last one a... a vanilla wafer. Anyway, it's simple. Why do they cause such panics? Lord, I can still remember the Great Movie Popcorn scare. Now, this was after they changed over from the tropical oils (palm and coconut) that even I admit are dangerously artery clogging. There were headlines and articles in almost every newspaper and magazine I saw. MOVIE POPCORN HIGH IN FAT! Hello? Here's a simple truth, people--If your fingers get greasy when you eat it, it's high in fat. I didn't need a scientist to tell me that.

*sigh*

Yes, the Diet Nazis are creeping into power. It may eventually get like it was in Demolition Man--"If it isn't good for you, it's bad for you, so it's outlawed."

This scares me. They're going to start banning other things. Some day McDonalds will have to serve 'oven baked french fries'. Bacon-cheeseburgers will be made with ground turkey, turkey bacon, and low-fat cheesefood. Steaks will, by law, be stripped of all fat before sale. It will be illegal to cook meat by any method save broiling or grilling. Butter will be outlawed (possession of more than a tablespoon at a time will be considered 'for sale' instead of 'for personal use', and will draw a stiffer penalty) It will be considered decadent and on-the-edge to drink 2% milk instead of skim. Streetwalkers will drag johns into alleyways to feed them illicit corn dogs (the shocking 'round the world' will include a serving of chili fries). Eventually the unthinkable will happen--

They will regulate the consumption of chocolate.

We'll have 12 step groups: User: "Hi, my name is Mindy, and I'm... I'm..." *sob* Sponsor: "Be brave, girl. We've all had to admit it." *swallows* User: "I'm a chocoholic."

They'll use sex to sell chocolate. *shrug* Most of us have realized that chocolate and sex go together naturally.

You'll only be able to buy chocolate at controled outlets, like pharmacies. It may become bad enough to where you have to have a prescription for it. Can't you just see the M&Ms in the teeny amber vials? Addicts will still wait on the street for their connection, but the conversations will be different. "Oh, man, I'm jonesin' bad! I haven't had any stuff since that bunny on Easter last week, and it was hollow! I wonder what he'll cut it with? Peanut butter? Toffee? Crisped rice? I hope he has more of that Special Dark--it's good stuff. I had one try to palm me off with some Ivory Bark once--I almost cut him! I tried to get off it--I went on the program, but that coco butter just won't hold off the shakes. Damn, I wish he'd hurry! Are you holding, man? Hershey bar? I don't need much, just a taste to hold me over. Miniature? Hershey Kiss?" Wild parties will be centered around a bubbling pot of chocolate fondue instead of a keg.

This is so sad, and we all know where it will lead.

Someday, somewhere in America there will be--BAMBAMBAM "Open the door! Look, I know that you have at least half a Whitman Sampler in there, and I'm desperate! Don't make me hurt you, Grandma!"

In regard to this sad eventuality, I feel I must offer suggestions to help those who will suffer in the future.

Dealing With Your Stash in Case the Diet Nazis Win

Places to hide M-n-Ms:

Get a silk flower, pour them in the vase, and claim they're colored pebbles.

Hide them in a pair of maracas--they'll rattle, but you might get some cracked candy shells.

Rub the Ms off, put them in a used pill vial, and tell cops that they're vitamins for your pony.

Rub off the Ms and tell the cops they're counters for your Bingo game.

Use Karo syrup (edible) to stick them to a clean board or tile. Make pretty pictures. Tell the cops that it's a mosaic.

Sort out the greens and hide them in a bag of frozen peas. Do the same with the yellow ones, but put them in with the niblet corn.

I could say that if you had a rabbit you could hide your browns and tans, but that would be disgusting.

Hiding York Peppermint Patties, large size:

Layer them in a stack of coasters.

Claim that they are miniature hockey pucks (works best if you live in a Northern state where hockey playing is actually common).

Slip them in CD cases. Make sure you don't get drunk and actually try to play them.

Claim that they're really fudge covered Oreos. No, wait--those are banned, too.

Claim that they are the dog's chew toy. Be warned that the cops may want you to actually give them to the dog.

Use decorator icing to write the name of a casino on them, and claim they are souvenier poker chips from your vacation in Las Vegas.

Hiding Raisinettes and Goobers:

See the 'rabbit' suggestion for M-n-Ms.

Hiding Reese's Peanutbutter cups:

Slip them under a chair/table leg and claim they are 'levelers'.

Turn them upside down and stand a Barbie on them, claiming that they are display stands. (Might also work for York Peppermint Patties).

Claim that they are just little novelty containers for your peanutbutter. You may be forced to make a sandwich out of them.

There's a chance I may add to this later, if I feel another food related rant coming on.