Title: Dear Beth, Love Fei

Author: Ayakaishi Fei aka. FireDemon

E-mail: Ken_Dai_

Rating: PG

Category: Romance/General

Warnings: Shoujo ai aka. Femslash.

Summary: //Love is too high a price to pay for being afraid, I lost the love, and friendship, of a girl I truly cared about, because I was too afraid to face my own feelings.// **shoujo ai** f/f relationships.

Dear Beth,

I was reading through all our old letters, well your old letters, you know the ones I mean. I think I told you I still had them, before we stopped talking.

Maybe I'm just being stupid, but remembering... I cried, because I woke up to the fact I still love you the day you told me you and Scott were engaged.

This makes me sound so petty I know, and I know that I'll never give this letter to you because you're finally happy. And I know that as much as I love you, you'd never have been that happy with me.

I never kissed you spontaneously because I couldn't live without the touch of your lips on my own... my god, I was so afraid of what would happen if our parents found out I didn't dare.

I guess that's what I regret the most you know, that I had you, but I never really *had* you. And you know I don't mean that disgustingly.

You know, you promised me if this didn't work out, we'd still be friends, I have it in writing, but somehow it doesn't seem as comforting when you and Scott are talking about having a baby.

In fact, it makes me realise how completely stupid I was to give you up.

Did I ever explain it to you? Why I couldn't be with you? I can't remember. Everything was going so well. I'd finally got up the guts to ask you out, I mean yeah, I tried to hide when you read the letter and I couldn't really speak to you without rambling about stuff that was completely irrelevant, but... we were together, and we were actually starting to get somewhere. Then my mother freaked me out. I was so unsure, I mean I liked you, I liked you a lot, but my upbringing was... very anti-homosexuality. You knew that, your parents were worse than mine.

I didn't know then whether you were worth giving up everything for, and it took me 4 months, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, and a slap in the face to wake up to the fact that you were, and if I hadn't been such a dumb ass maybe, just maybe, you and I could have had something really, really special. And I blew it.

This isn't a confession of love, if you're happy then I'm happy. I don't want you to ever be sad because I love you, more than words can say, even if you're engaged to a guy who can't stand me and is so over-controlling that I never see you.

I still love you Beth, because you were my first, and because I'm sorry that I couldn't love you then like you deserve to be loved, because I can't love you now like you deserve to be loved, because I couldn't be your girlfriend when you wanted me to be, and because I can't be just a friend now that that's all you ask of me.

Do you remember when you first told me you were bi? I was *so* thrilled, but kind of scared at the same time. Before that it was just a little crush, you know? I was so jealous when you told me how you used to have a crush on Tanya, somehow that translated as still did. I cried that night, the night of my deb ball with my ex-boyfriend who never talked to me. I cried so much.

It should have occurred to me that you told Tanya because you liked her, and might have told me for the same reason - but it didn't. I'm a straight A student with a brilliant IQ but for some reason I'm kind of dumb when it comes to relationships.

I just wanted you to know that, because I never told you. I was so afraid that you'd wake up and realise that you didn't need me... and well, you did. But that was my fault, I know.

You asked me once why I wanted you, when I was so beautiful and you were so plain. I don't think I told you, but I never thought of you as plain, not once. Did you know that I was in love with your smile... of course not, I never told you. But I was. Still am probably. You have this... this smile, it's like, when you're happy, when you're smiling, something inside me flutters, because I made you smile. On the bus, on the way home, when I said and did all those stupid things, I plotted them, because I had to see you smile. I was addicted to it.

You know, maybe it wouldn't have worked no matter what I tried. Maybe I would have ended up cheating on you because... because I'm a flirt and a tease and a slut and everything you don't deserve in a girlfriend. Maybe neither of us would have ever gotten over our insecurities... I don't know.

I guess... I just wanted to say sorry, because I didn't hang around to try.

I made you cry on New Years when I kissed Bonnie, because I was always flirting with her when we dated. If it makes you feel any better I only kissed her because... because I'm insecure. I loved you, but she, she made me feel safe. I didn't have to be dominant, and I was so scared to mess up with you. With her it didn't matter.

She dumped me anyway, after cheating on me and talking behind my back. I hacked my leg to pieces with my razor, because she hurt my ego and shattered my self-worth. With you, I cut myself because I was afraid. You didn't know that, did you? Every time you pushed me away, I went for the trusty razor. I know, I have problems.

I'm a sucky girlfriend, and a sucky person to boot, but I loved you. I still do. I just thought you should know.

I'm crying now, because I just read your last letter, the one you wrote just after I broke up with you, I guess I was stupid cos I always did think maybe one day, if I can work out who I am, I could be with you. God, you suggested it, I waited too long, and you moved on.

Hell, it was good that you moved on, I just want you to know... if you ever want me... if you and Scott ever, I don't know, if he treats you bad, or if you can't be with him, I'll be here for you. Even if you have 5 bratty little kids you never wanted. I won't wait for you, because that would imply that think I'm better than him - and I'm not.

But if you ever need me, just call. Because, because I love you.

Because I'm glad that, for however long it lasted, we were happy together, because... because at least once upon a time you loved me too.

So that's all I wanted to say.

I'm sorry that I failed you. But I'm not sorry that I loved you, and I'm not sorry that I still do.

I know you'll never see this letter, because if Scott got a hold of it he'd never let me see you, hell he might even take it out on you.

I just... I miss you Beth, and I love you. Always.

Love (still),

Fei

Authors Notes: I don't know how many people read the Authors Notes, but for anyone who does, this is something I wrote, because there was so much I wanted to say, and there's something about posting it to an audience who don't care. It is a real letter, to a real person, filled with real feelings.

Love is to high a price to pay for being afraid, I lost the love, and friendship, of a girl I truly cared about, because I was too afraid to face my own feelings.

Maybe I would have had regrets either way, but I wish I'd had a chance to have experienced something a lot more with her, I wish I'd had the guts to stick in the relationship till we had something really special. So this was a letter to Beth, which even if she never reads, describes my feelings.

Comment if you want, since I don't have the guts to give it to the person it's meant for I want you guys to tell me what you think, please?

And now I'm done.