There was a time...

08:47pm 21/05/2003

There was a time,
When I was happy.
When I would smile.
When I really didn't care,
About any of it.
There was a time,
When I was innocent.
I thought it was so easy,
To change the world.
I thought I could make it
Better...
I was wrong.
There was a time,
When I'd forget how it hurt.
When I'd forget the screams.
When I'd forget that I'm
Not important.
A mistake.
There was a time,
That I could forget all the tears.
I could forget the screams.
Push it to the back of my mind.
Be infatuated with kittens
and candy.
Instead of the pain.
There was a time,
When the stars would be smiling.
And they'd make me smile too.
When the summer sun
Carressed me.
I'd run, and sing,
And I was innocent then.
I would forget why I
Didn't want to go home.
I would erase the sneers
From the other kids.
All that existed was me,
And whoever lived
On the other side of the rainbow.
In my mind.
That was innocence.
There was a time,
That it all changed.
I realized the truth.
I saw with my own eyes,
that I couldn't make it disappear.
I couldn't change the world.
I couldn't even change me.
And those who "loved" me,
were lying.
The truth, evident in their eyes,
No longer blinded by my
Imagination.
No longer did the cow
Jump over the harvest moon.
Instead I saw the hurt
Of the world
Serenaded by this,
Depressing tune.
I saw that I'm hated.
I'm not right.
A mistake.
My rainbows couldn't save me.
I took shelter in the crowds.
But I was alone.
In a crowded room,
So alone.
So I took shelter elsewhere.
With the rainclouds,
Who shared my pains.
Who would cry with me,
Bellow angrily with me.
But now...
Even that is not enough.
Through eyes no longer blinded,
By the fantasies of childhood.
I see the truth.
Attempting to hide it
from myself.
I take another refuge.
Music, writing, fiction...
And the pills.
First they were a last resort,
Slowly gaining popularity.
Until I depended on them.
My security blanket.
Hiding me from the real world.
For a while, It worked.
I had to be careful,
Don't take too many.
Eventually... They weren't enough.
Everything falls.
Everything good,
Must come to an end.
My blanket became my chains,
Holding me to this life.
Unless...
Unless they became my noose.
And I have decided.
I swallow the hidden box,
All of them.
Too many, to be sure.
The pain fades.
The mellow-ness returns,
The un-caring eyes.
But more...
I feel it coming.
I can't help but feel...
Relieved.
A weight lifted from my chest
For eternity.
But scared, too.
Of whats to come.
If my noose doesn't choke me
Completely.
If it does...
But I comfort myself now.
Writing this poem.
An explanation,
Of everything.
And why it must be so.
And why I say...
Goodbye.