|Forever Haunted: revised
Author: Teresz PM
*finished* Three teens are stuck together in a haunted house. To make matters worse, the teens hate each other: Elly and Carry- two best friends with contrasting personalities and Christian- a self obsessed jerk. The teens discover life.Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Suspense - Chapters: 7 - Words: 11,957 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 7 - Updated: 06-12-03 - Published: 05-26-03 - id: 1312545
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The day turned from a warm fall afternoon to a nipping cold, gray, starless night. It was becoming dark and haunted with piercing sounds of the howling wind and leaves chipping of trespassing. The deserted path seemed endless into the night. Elly was alone, on her way home from Carry's house. Yet, alone...she questioned. Behind her, she could feel something lurking. Chills filled the midnight sky. She could hear footsteps barely in the night. She suddenly stopped. Turning around slowly, she realized a dark shadow creep up across the evergreen tree. She stiffened and hoped for the shadow to pass her by. The footsteps gradually got louder and more realistic. Elly started increasing her pace. The shadow became more vivid and revealed the shape of a person. Thankfully, before any screaming production, she realized it was only her friend Carry.
"What are you doing here?" Elly asked Carry.
Carry gave Elly a friendly smile. "I came to give you your CDs back and I kinda got lost." She handed her two CDs and let out a small chuckle.
The two girls continued down the path. They reached an intersection, turning east hoping for the best.
As the night grew cooler, the trees and flowers seemed to turn against Carry and Elly. Without a timing device, they looked at the full moon to figure it about ten o'clock. They had to get home, or at least to one of Elly's relative's houses. Each light fidget of a squirrel or bird was almost a petrifience. Cautiously, they continued.
Carry and Elly heard a loud rustling. The two girls' hearts began to throb rhythmically in a syncopated fashion. Afraid of acceleration's danger, yet longing to stay together and ahead of the gradually advancing footsteps, they balked, unable to decide a method of safety.
The footsteps became clearer and louder. The girls wished to run, but something was holding them back; a force, content and patient, waiting for an unknown being. As the seconds, seeming to be a minute each, crept by, the anxiety intensified. Small signs of human presence began to show through: a stick snapping, the light two-beat footsteps, and the slight prognostication both girls felt. The girls, unable to take the fright and aware that the intruder was among them, turned around....
"Is it just my sense of direction, or are you two totally lost?"
Elly and Carry stared at the "stalker" (or so they thought). Though they were relieved that the presence was of one known, they were in anguish that it was that of Christian Diveyanno, a guy from school. He was a pain, they thought. He wasn't the nicest kid around either. Carry and Elly's group in school weren't the fondest of him and his mischievous followers.
"I guess you're in a coma too!" he said in sarcasm.
Elly looked at him with her "bug-off" attitude and said, "We're not lost and we are perfectly fine!"
Aware of Elly's white lie, Carry looked at her. Then she asked Christian, "What time is it?"
Christian checked his watch. "About midnight."
The three continued down the forest path.
"Hey," Elly said, "What are you doing out here? Has your 'sense of direction' had a breakdown?"
"Looking for beautiful damsels in distress. What else would I be doing? But, I haven't found them yet, and I was hoping you chicks could help."
Elly, perturbed, dropped the topic and continued her walk.
They approached a dark, abandoned, wooden shack, huge and strangely familiar. Christian checked the time. It was one. Carry decided it might be a good idea to stay the night. They were all totally lost and it was a dangerous thing to be out alone this late at night. It took some major persuading, but the other two agreed as long as they stayed at least a foot away at all times.
They slowly approached the door. Christian opened the door and they all walked in apprehensively. A cold fear pricked through the air. Elly turned on the dim light to illuminate a world of dusty old luxuries. They walked up the stairs, creaking a high flat pitch, and continued to observe. As they reached the top, they heard the door slam shut behind them.
As the night continued, Elly, Christian, and Carry searched for a place to sleep. The three opened a wooden door, creaking as it opened to a young girl's room. There was a wooden bunk bed, some rag dolls, and an old dusty bookshelf. They looked for a window to light up the dark room. Yet, no sign of any windows had been revealed; not only in the room, but also in the entire house.
Carry went to continue searching, and Elly and Christian stayed behind to look around the room some more. Within a minute, a shrill scream had been heard from down the hall. They went to the place where the scream was heard from to find Carry heavily breathing in the corner of a small closet.
"What's wrong?" Elly asked, walking over and sitting next to Carry.
"I...I...I saw a...a..." Carry stuttered.
"What did you see, Carry?"
"A sh...shadow or something."
Christian rolled his eyes. Elly put her arm around Carry, trying to calm her, and said, "It probably was the clothes swaying or something," shooting Christian an evil look.
After a miserable hour of constant bicker between Elly and Christian, Elly and Carry decided to sleep on the bunks while Christian slept in the other room that they had found earlier that night. Christian was almost asleep. The room was strangely cold. Every breath he took had an ominous bitter chill to it. He twisted and turned, trying to stay warm. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. He sat up. Taking a deep breath, he began to feel chills run up his spine. Shadows danced about the walls; and his mind began to wander as vividly as the figures moved. Suddenly, a thought came to mind ...a thought so mysterious it shook him. He had never felt the shivers like this before.
There weren't any windows in the room. How could a shadow be there if there was no light source to cast it? He got up as fast as he could and ran into the girls' room. He slowed down as he got to the door and collected his senses. He had to get in character; he couldn't let his fright show. He opened the door. Elly was awake. Whether her wakeness was a result of the door's creaking or the girl's own fault, he did not know. Nor, did he care.
Elly, noticing his presence, sighed. "What do you want?!"
Christian, not wishing to suck in his pride, went over to Carry, on the bottom bunk, and lightly shook her enough to wake her up, yet not disturb her.
She woke up. "Oh, hi Christian" she said wiping the sleep from her eyes.
"Hey." he responded.
Elly, now angry, said, "Okay, you have now woken us both up. I hope you have a reason!"
"Carry was right. Something's up with this place."
Elly got off her top bunk and walked with the others to the room. She stepped in and looked around. "Nothing's here, all right!"
Carry and Christian looked at each other. They knew. This shack wasn't like most.
* * * * * *
When I had the older version of Forever Haunted up, here were some of the reviews I got for this chapter
From: BabyGurl 06x ()
I think your story was very good so I think you dont need a change any thing in the story in your story but try you need to try to bring the story to life.
From: Mirime ()
Hey. Well, dis isn't just a review for only chapter 1. It's for da whole story. Well, anywayz, i noticed grammar and punctuation errors, so remember to proof-read your work. I alwayz have grammer and punctuation mistakes. So I have someone re-check it for me. Otherwise, it's a very good story. BUT THERE'S NO END! AH! lol. will der b a part 2?rn-Mirime
From: Mistress K. Darq-Chylde ()
Of course it's not like most! It's the LOVE SHACK! *turns on the B-52s and dances* Um... don't mind me... It's late and I'm having one of those insane bouts of insomnia...
From: Mistress K. Darq-Chylde ()
I like it so far, but I have to point out something... "wooden shaft, huge and strangely familiar"... Don't you think it should be "wooden shack"? Shaft implies some other things that I don't think you meant to. Just wondered if you caught that typo or not. On to chapter 3! *dashes off to the next chapter*
* * * * * *
Yeah, kinda stupid so far. Hey, it gets better. Only 6 more chapters to go. If ya like it, review it. If ya don't, Flame me! Don't worry the romance is coming! Lol. Tell me what ya think. Thanks to all who reviewed when he original was up. Love ya all. -Teresz