I am sure that what you read in this letter will not only bring streams of tears, but will reveal my true self, the person that maybe no one knows completely. However, the contents of this letter should not hurt you as much as you think it should. I'm probably wrong though; it seems like that's happening a lot lately. Everything I do is wrong in someone's eyes.
In case you haven't noticed yet, this is a suicide letter. By the time you get this far, I'll probably be long gone and won't be able to be stopped. I wouldn't try stopping me either. You might find something disturbing. Anyway, most of you will think I'm better off once you see why.
I'm sure I've got everyone in suspense now. Heh, I guess I have that talent to make short things into something long. If any of you are wondering the reason, all I can say is that it'll come in good time. I have other things to ramble on about.
Back to how I'm gonna die. I've always imagined myself drowning. I dunno why. I guess because it's simple and easy. "Just add water!" as the commercials would say. Even in this state of deep depression, I still have my weird sense of humor. Anyway, I'm getting off topic again. Now that I'm actually going to go ahead with it, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Many of you will probably think it's very unlike me, but really it isn't. There's not really a lot of things I didn't make plans on. I never actually studied for a test, I've spent much of my money spontaneously, I've done things without first thinking of the consequences. One of those things is the main cause of stress right now. However, if I didn't say a word, I probably would've drowned in the bathtub that day when I was thinking of suicide. Either way, I guess I lose.
All my life I feel like you all considered me a goody-two-shoes. I think that's what I wanted you to believe. I wanted everyone to think of me as perfect. I think I did too good of a job because the person I consider the most important in my life pales in comparison to my 'perfection.' At least that's the way she sees it. She thinks the whole family looks upon her as flawed and me as perfect. If that is the way they see it, they're wrong. Oh wait, this letter is written for my family. So it should be 'you' instead of 'they.' Anyway, she is the perfect one, not me. She has everything that I could want in a girl. What does she have from me? My love, my company, some other things that don't matter much. Her smile and happiness, though my death will do neither, mean the world to me. Usually, to get that, I'd have to role-play, but it's not something that I like. I don't feel like much of an actor a lot. Nevertheless, I do it to achieve a smile. Her smile makes me feel appreciated. Actually only her smile out of all the family's makes me feel good. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings, but how I feel shouldn't matter to anyone and probably won't soon enough.
I think it's time to give my reasons, why I think I deserve to die. There's several actually so bear with me while I take my time to get them out. I guess I should start to get them out. I guess I should start out by saying I don't want to hurt anyone, physically I mean. For awhile, since high school I guess, I've felt like one of those people who'd take a shotgun to school and start shooting. I truely don't want to do that, whether I like them or not. They should not die against their will.
Second, deep down inside, I don't want to be rejected. I was pretty much alone all my life, right upto college. This was due to my so-called caring family. You thought that my cousin and I were spending too much time together, getting to close. HA! The more time we spent apart, the closer we got. You took away my best and my only friend and I still care for you, still want you to care for me. I don't understand why. Even now you're still trying, but it's harder now, impossible even. We can make up our minds now. However, your attempts are getting to me now so I guess that's reason number three. It's a lame reason, I know, but oh well.
Number four, one that has nothing to do with family. It's more of a job thing, my future. Every job I see, there's at least one task I can't do. I see it as a big disadvantage. And I must be right 'cause if I do apply I never get it, not even an interview. Now I see it's pointless to even try.
It took me awhile, but now I realized no one wants me. Employers don't me, I can't do a good enough job for them and they know it. My family don't want me. You must have by now agreed to that. I love someone and you think it's wrong. I guess I'm another failure, just like everyone else in this family. My love is probably the only one who do want me. She understands me unlike everyone else in the family. Right now, I wish I could give you kisses and say goodbye but I can't, except say goodbye in the most cowardly way, a letter.
Another thing that I am, a coward. I'm just a worthless person, someone who is wasting precious oxygen to keep my heart beating, my body alive. Hmmm... suffocation. It sounds good. A worthless person should suffocate. The world won't be losing much, but it will gain a lot, my body, my nutrients, my life. It'll lose nothing. A worthless person is like nothing.
With that said, I have some notes to people I know:
My love - I love you and I always will. Don't ever think otherwise. My only regret is that I'll never hold you again. There's no need to worry 'bout me. I'll be OK. I know you're crying by now. I know I am, for the first time since I started. I love you and I'll always watch over you.
Mother - No matter what you have done to me, I can't seem to find it in my heart to hate you. You murdered my dog, lied to me countless times, threatened to separate my love and I, even banned her from the house. Yet I still care for you, love you. However, I can't forgive you. Sorry.
Jessie - I'm really sorry that I haven't spent a whole lot of time with you lately. Don't think for a moment that I don't care about you because I do. I only wish you could have accepted us being together.
Lynn - Another one who can't accept what is true. All I have to say is that you should've called the police. I know they can't do much, but maybe I'd be a live at this moment.
My friends - Cherry, Laila, Chels, Silver, Raven. I'm sorry, but I must say goodbye. I wish you all luck in life.
Your son, grandson, nephew, b/f, friend, or whatever you would consider me,
Robert (now decesed)