Too late to ask for it once more
"Seize the Day!"

I am one man who keeps thinking about my past lately. It's like the phrase
"let go" is not perfect for my personality. Yet, I try to let it sink in
into the depths of my emotion.
There will always be a time in one's life where you turn down one moment
that is so precious. A moment that comes only once. You let it slip away
and consider yourself an idiot when you find out that it's too late to ask
for it once more.
I am 31 years old. I am young. But marriage never touched my thoughts since
the experience I had 11 years ago. That part of my life meant more that
what I thought it would. And never have I looked back without a tear.

After having a 7-year relationship with a college sweetheart, I found
myself numb. Numb as in New to Understanding Moving-on Business. In one's
life, having to move on from a relationship that we thought was final is
complicated.
I am already 23 and I felt unaccomplished with the course I finished so I
had to study again for another degree. It's my second degree. I didn't care
because I really want to push through it. It took me a few days to fix my
schedules, my things, and my time since I don't really work that time.
The first day of school was well. On the way to school, since I am not yet
allowed to drive a car, I had to ride a couple of buses to get to school.
It only takes me around a few minutes to go there since there is not
traffic during noon. When I got into the entrance, everyone seemed excited.
Maybe a few looked dull and some are just. none. You can't read their mind
through their faces. Empty, as I can call it.
I walked the campus alone. Of course, new faces, new milieu, new ambiance,
new earth. I feel a bit old for my age because I had to walk with students
younger than I am. But I don't care much about it because my purpose of
going to school is just about having to take this course I have decided to
take [of course] and nothing else.
The bell rang and classes started. My first few classes were ok. One was
boring. The other was lively, although I was not enthusiastic enough to
participate getting-to-know sessions. I almost slept in that class so I had
to run to my next class. I only have 3 more minutes to get there. I tripped
on one of the stairs and slip on a wet floor, but I got in on time. Good
thing about it was our professor was 10 minutes late.
The room was half filled. I looked around for familiar faces [like I'll
find one?!]. There were only 7 boys in the room, including a gay and me. As
I look around, I spotted this girl. Yes, a girl. Why in heaven's sake will
I stare at a man? So, there she is, sitting on her chair playing with her
pencil and talking to no one. She's the quiet type of girl who just minds
her own business and not others. She looks like she doesn't care, but the
aura of her image doesn't seem ordinary.
The professor came in. Everyone took their seats [typical classroom scene,
what else do you expect?]. We were seated alphabetically so I had to seat
at the back. The girl I saw was seated a row next to the front row. Her
name was called. Amylia Allen. She smiled at me as she walks to her seat.
Very pretty and very demure. Silent. But inside, I know she has more to
give.
RRRIIIINNNGGGG. The bell rang. It's the end of the class.
"Hi. I'm Amylia," she said.
"Hi." That was all I can say. And that was the end of discussion.
The next day, I was so excited to go to school and enter the class where I
met her. I sit happily on my chair, waiting for her to enter the room and
sit on her chair where I can see her doodling again and playing with her
pencil. The bell rang for the class to start and the professor came in, she
was still not there. The class ended, and she didn't enter the room. Sick
on the second day of school? I wondered. Impossible.
I approached the professor. "Where is Amylia?"
"Huh?" the professor was confused.
I found out from someone else that she dropped the subject. Oh, the only
subject I had to ever share with her. She dropped it. The reason? Her
schedule.
I had to look for someone who knows her well. One thing that was
disappointing, I forgot what her name was. Was that not the most stupid
thing to do? Forget the name of the girl you like. I looked for her for 2
days around the school. It was difficult asking someone for someone you
just have to describe. And what answer do I get? "Sorry, I know a lot of
girls with this and that," and "Sorry, I don't think I know her."
Finally, I pass by her along one stall at the cafeteria and sitting with
one of her friends who happen to be my seatmate at one class. Her name is
Jermyn. She's a nice girl with short hair and chinky eyes. I sat on the
table next to them. I had to wait for Jermyn to notice me. 15 minutes
passed and she's still not looking until.
"Achoo!"
The student beside sneezed. The bad part of it was that his saliva went all
over my cheeks. Gross!
"Hey! Cover you mouth please." I had to say that!!!
Good part - Jermyn noticed me. Yahoo! She smiled and said, "Hey, you ok?"
and laughed a bit. Amylia smiled too.
I walked towards them. I felt stiff. It's funny how a girl can make you
feel excited and nervous at the same time. I can already feel butterflies
in my stomach as the distance between us lessened.
"Jermyn, why don't you introduce me to your friend?"
"Oh, her? Yeah, sure."
I felt even more excited. Who wouldn't be?
"Amylia, this is Jester. Jester, this is Amylia."
I held my hand out for a shake. She took it. It sends shivers to my veins.
"Ams here!" Her smile melted half my body.
"Jes."
That was one of the best days of my life. The adrenalin seems to strike
every corner of my body with a tingle.
I've seen her around school plenty of times and we talked about a lot of
things when we see each other. She keeps telling me about this particular
guy, Louie. She is head over heels with the guy. But I didn't care. I was
just there by her side and giving her all my support. That's because I
really like her, "like" that is almost close to loving her. I know that if
I decide to love her, I will just get hurt because she only thinks of Louie
as the one and only guy she likes. But I didn't care.
She's dating him already. Ok, now they are dating. But I still didn't care.
Until one night, we were talking. Ams and I are alone in one place. But
we're not doing anything dirty. Trust me. She confessed.
"Jes, I like you the way I like Louie, and I don't like it."
I didn't care whether she likes it or not. I'm happy! I love her so much
and I can't let this moment be gone by something she doesn't like.
The following day, I asked her to come with me to this place near the
beach. She agreed to come with me. We bonded together, walked together, and
we slept together. We slept in one room, on one bed, but nothing happened.
We kissed and hug and stuffs, but we never had sex. I had so much respect
on her that I wanted to marry her.
"Ams, when you are 35, and you are not married yet, I will marry you." I
said, looking straight to her eye.
"Really? Yes, I will marry you too."
Nothing else was running in my head but the thought that I will marry this
woman and I love her so much.
We stayed there for a week. And after that, we had to come home for school
again.
Back at school, she's still seeing Louie. Then it came to mind that she was
just a one-week girl friend. But she was the only girlfriend I had that I
have decided that I want to live my life with her. I love her. I want to
grow old with her and just hold hands when we're old and watch our kids
play in the garden at we sit on a bench. But I doubt it.
As I see her walk around with Louie, a pang of pain entered my vein and it
crawled to my heart. It hurts. But because I love her, I had to do it. I
had to let her be happy with whomever she wants to be with.
I've done so many things for her. Not because I want her to do the same,
but because I want to. Every time she needs to see her boyfriend, Louie [he
became her official boyfriend], I will pick her up from their house, take
her to the mall, and together, we'll wait for him for 2 hours. I'll just be
there standing beside her until her boyfriend arrives. Then they will be
talking for around 2 more hours and I'll still be standing at one corner
alone until they are finished and I had to take her home again. I'll have
to walk her to the same corner and watch her as she walks herself home and
that's the time that I will have to go.
It happened not only once but I never complained. Why? Because that is how
much I love her. I wanted to do everything for her.
Few months passed, we grew apart but we never lost contact. I send her
mobiles messages and so does she. I even became friends with her younger
sister, Janet. I continued to love her everyday. And I never found another
her. Yeah sure, I may have dated a few more girls after her, but she was
never replaced. Not once.
A catastrophe came into my life; I was brought to the hospital. I had high
fever and my life was 50/50. It was very complex and that I had to stay
there for a while.
"Jes, are you feeling much better now?" my mom asked me.
"Yes. Please mom, whatever happens, please tell Ams to wait for me.
Please." That was pathetic but I really love her. Even at this moment,
she's all I want to ask for.
Once, she came to the hospital to visit me. She was with her friend,
Kassie. Kassie is a nice girl, older than I am, but not as pretty as Ams.
She has a long dark brown hair and long eye lashes and her brows are
trimmed well. She has a nice smile, but not compared with Ams that always
take my breath away.
Everyday, Kassie visits me and stays with me. I felt alone. Why can't Ams
stay here with me? And so, I saw in Kassie something different. She was
really very nice to me.
One day...
"Jes how are you?" Ams was sitting beside my bed. She looked so pretty with
her hair up.
"I'm much better contrast to the past days."
Then, a moment of silence. I don't know what came into me but I had to say
this.
"You know, I find Kassie a very nice girl. I think I like her."
She smiled at me. I can't read her feelings behind her expression, but a
smile was all I could see.
Kassie became my girlfriend, but not for long. I know I cannot love her the
way I loved Ams. She was all I can think of once in a while. She was
everything to me. She changed my life. She changed everything.
I continued to love Ams all the while. Yes, all the time, I loved her. I
loved her and loved her and I never stopped. I cannot stop. I don't want to
stop. It was her. she was all that I want. No one knows how much I feel
this love. Others may think this is just an infatuation since she was a
girlfriend for a week. But no, she was the only girl. the only girlfriend I
had that I have ever thought of marriage.
Few more years passed, I turned 31. I received a mobile message.
"Hey Jes, I'm leaving to Canada tomorrow. I'm getting married!"
Ouch. That was the first word that came into my head. I love her still. And
I kept it to myself. I can feel that she's happy. Besides, she's marrying a
well-off man. That's good for her.
After a few weeks, I called up Janet.
"Janet, how are ya?" I asked.
"Hi Jes. I'm doing well. By the way, Ams is here. Would you like to talk to
her?"
No. I don't want to. It's a good thing to hear that she's there and she's
well and fine. But please, don't give her the.
"Hello, Jes?"
"Ams! Uh, hi. how are you?" I felt silly. But at the same time, excited and
nervous again. Like I told you, she makes me feel more than one emotion at
the same time.
"How are you? I missed you a lot!"
"Yeah? Me too. I'm doing great. So, how about you?"
"I'm fine. Hey, are you busy tonight? Let's go out!"
Yes! We're going out! Of course, how could you resist an offer like that?
That night, I picked her up and took her to a fancy restaurant. Not really
fancy, but there were music and people are everywhere and foods and drinks.
We talked about so many things. She drinks, I don't. Really, I don't drink.
Not even smoke. But she does. And I don't care. I still love her. She's
still the pretty girl I know back in college. She's still has that smile
that melts me every time she shows it. My, she is my dream girl.
After a few more drinks, she became tipsy. Yup, she was very much tipsy.
But still, she looked pretty, but she talks funny. She is unstoppable.
"Jes, you know, I love you very much. I really do. Where have you been?"
Her words sank into me immediately. I never knew that. I never knew she
loved me too.
She kissed me and hugged me. I hugged her back.
"Jes, I love you. Where have you been? But what can I do now, I'm married!"
then a tear slid down her face.
I wiped the tear away. I smiled a weak one, feeling weaker than ever. God,
she loves me and I remembered telling her that I liked Kassie when all I
can think of is her. She loves me. She loves me.
All I could do was hug her tight. Her body was petite. I love hugging her.
Then I remembered the week I took her to this place and I had to hug her
while we sleep. I love her more than I did before.
I took her home at around 6 a.m. I felt tired, and numb. Numb as in Not
Understanding Moments Behind.
She loved me even before. I never really knew that. Perhaps, if I told her
how much I love her, she would have married me and we would have kids by
now. But, if I tell her I love her, it will only obliterate everything. I
wanted to tell her I love her when she sent that message that she's getting
married. But, what good will it do? I wanted to tell her I love her ever
since I knew her.
She was 17 and I was 23. That was the best part of my life. Being able to
know someone like her. She changed everything in me. I am 31 now, and she's
married. She is married. I am not. Why? Because I can't find someone like
her. I want her. I love her. I still love her at this very moment.
As I think of her, I can feel the heavens crying with me. It's raining hard
outside, and all I can think of was her. Why did I keep it inside? Why did
I not tell her I love her? She knows I love her. I love her so much. But I
know I cannot ask her to be with me. Maybe, when we die, of course I'll die
ahead of her for I am older. When it happens, I'll be waiting for her in
heaven. And in heaven, God will not let the moment pass. I will have her in
heaven. I will marry her in heaven. And I know she knows that.
As of this moment, we are still the best of friends. But I love her more
than that. Man, I love her. I really do. And as I recall everything, I felt
sorry for myself. Sorry because I let the opportunity pass without telling
her my true feelings, and now it's too late. Too late to return everything.
Too late to ask for it once more.
But there is one hope that I know that will not cease, I love her and I
will marry her in heaven. Definitely I will marry her there. That will be
the time for us.