Of all the things I've believed in

I just want to get it over with

Tears form behind my eyes

But I do not cry

Counting the days that pass me by

-Michelle Branch

.

I remember the day I stopped living. I don't mean the day I became a vampire. I was still alive that day. What I remember is the day that I became a shell of a person. The day I lost my self. The day that I lost everything.

.

Your voice is small and fading

And you hide in here unknown

And your mother loves your father

'Cause she's got nowhere to go

.

And she wonders where these dreams go

'Cause the world got in her way

What's the point in ever trying

Nothing's changing anyway

-Goo Goo Dolls.

.

That day I was at a club with my best friend. I had been a vampire for fifty years so I held not real ties to my sire but she and I still hung out. We were dancing together to a song with no words just a strong beat. I was drawn back to a hard body when I looked up I froze. I didn't recognize the man before me but the power radiating off of him was enough to tell me what he was, one of the originals.

"Serine," the man greeted my sire who hissed at him. I was instantly terrified. My sire wasn't afraid of many things she was, after all, the leader of the shape-shifters. She grabbed my arm pulling me away from the man. I stared between them confused.

The man was obviously a vampire. He held himself with unnatural grace. He was beautiful with his black hair and chocolate brown eyes but he had a predatory look to him that automatically made me nervous. He wore his black hair down past his shoulders. At the moment his dark eyes were fixed on me.

"You have a new childe," he said. The words were said slowly, there was almost a purr in his voice. "What's her name?"

"Get away, Akull," Serine growled. /Akull?/ I thought. I had heard stories about how bad he was. My sire had told me many of the stories herself.

He simply laughed. "Well since your sire has terrible manors perhaps you'll introduce yourself." I backed up slightly trying to keep him a distance away from me. "Okay, Red, I'll take that as a no." He smiled slowly. "How about a dance?" Serine stepped between us.

"Back off," she growled.

"You need to calm down," Akull still seemed jovial but there was darkness in his eyes now. "And if I wanted her do you really think that you could stop me?" She glared at him.

"I would try," she said.

He smile became very predatory. "And you'd die." He looked at me. "I'll see you later." I shuddered as he walked away.

"Don't worry," Serine said. "He won't bother you." Some how I wasn't very sure of that.

.

Like any uncharted territory

I must seem greatly intriguing

You speak of my love like

You have experienced love like mine before

But this is not allowed

You're uninvited

An unfortunate slight

-Alanis Morissette

.

I went home and took a shower dressing in a tank top and a pair of Scooby- Doo boxers. I was fast asleep when I was shaken awake. Akull stood over top of me. I screamed in shock and tried to get up but my arms were tied behind my back. I sat up but he pushed me so I was lying back down. He then climbed over me kissing my neck almost gently.

"I've been thinking of you since I saw you in the club," he purred. I glared up at him. He roughly fondled me through my shirt. I tried to squirm away. "Now, now baby, that only makes me want you more." I whimpered softly screaming in my head for help hoping that there was someone from Luway or Alaza's clan nearby. He pushed my shirt over my head and as far as it would go since my hands were tied.

"Please," I said my voice little more than a whisper.

"Begging isn't going to do any good but you're welcome to try," he said with a smirk. He pulled down my boxers and underwear slipping them off of me. I began to try to pull my arms loose. I hadn't fed for two days. There was no way that I could get my hands loose from the hand-cuffs and rope. "It'll go easier on you if you just spread your legs and take it." I glared up at him.

He just laughed. "I'll take that as a no." He took off his pants. I tried to cross my legs but he roughly pushed them apart, nearly breaking them with the excess effort then knelt between them. "This is going to hurt, a lot. Feel free to scream all you want. I love the sound. Or if you want, you can lay back and enjoy it."

"Not likely," I growled. He smirked again. He entered me ripping through my virginity. I whimpered loudly. I had never met a man that I loved enough to have as my first. I really regretted that choice now.

"You're a virgin," he purred. "That's just perfect." I closed my eyes tightly at his words. I had just lost my virginity to this monster. He pounded into me again and again. I kept my eyes closed and tried to ignore the feeling of him inside of me defiling my body and imagine myself far away from here.

He finished and pulled out after what seemed like an eternity. I lay there with my eyes closed not wanting to look at him. He slapped my cheek. "Open your eyes, damn it," he growled. I obeyed just so he would think I was more under his control so I could get my strength back. He wore a look of triumph. "Not bad," he said. I turned away crying softly.

"Please, go," I sobbed.

"After that?" he laughed. "You really don't know how it works. That was a trial. You're coming with me."

"No," I whispered. He must have knocked me out because the next thing I remembered I was waking up in one of his houses.

.

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance

For a break that would make it okay,

There's always one reason to feel not good enough

And it's hard at the end of the day.

I need some distraction

Oh beautiful release memory seeps from my veins,

Let me be empty and weightless

And maybe I'll find some peace tonight.

-Sarah McLachlan

.

Life went on like that for years. I was one of his harem. We weren't permitted to speak to each other and we weren't allowed to have any type of wood. Even pencils were outlawed. I was lucky though. I wasn't a member of his favorite harem and I wasn't his favorite girl.

His favorite was a girl named Elizabeth who was actually in my group. He actually coddled her. But Elizabeth, she was past caring. I never saw the girl feed herself or even sleep. She was pretty much catatonic. I only saw her react to anything when a man mentioned the name Zeke. Her face lit up and I saw why Akull had chosen her. She truly was beautiful. But the moment passed and she was just Elizabeth again.

I escaped several times. Because I was a shifter I could change into any mammal. I would become a mouse or a tiger and squeeze out or fight out. Each time though I was found and taken back. And each time I was. punished.

Life, if you can really call it that was hard and painful. In the twenty years I was with the harem I had. dealings with Akull thirty times. I was lucky. He didn't come to Ireland where we were located often. The men guarding the harem were his guys but some were almost nice. Others like Jax were just like their master. Jax raped me on ten occasions. One night Isabelle came into my room.

"Michelle, Nikki and I are going to escape tomorrow night," she whispered. "Do you want in, Red?" That had become my name in the harem. I never gave my real name to anyone.

"Of course," I said.

"We're going to move in a week," she said. "Save the blood they give you and drink it in five days. You'll need the strength. We're running to Alaza's." With that she left. I had heard about Alaza and Mikaine's shelter. We would be safe there I was sure of it.

.

Every thought that I repent,

There's another chip you haven't spent,

And you're cashing them all in,

Where do we begin.

To get clean again,

Can we get clean again?

-Third Eye Blind

.

The night we moved it was pouring. Nikki came into my room and got me.

"We're going now," she whispered. We went into the room where the other Michelle was waiting.

"What about Elizabeth?" I asked.

"She said she'd hold them off when we were found missing," Michelle said. I must have looked surprised for she smiled and continued. "She's been here a lot longer than we have. She doesn't want to even try to find a real life. But she's a lot more with it than people give her credit for."

"Are you ready?" Isabelle asked coming in.

"As much as I'll ever be," I said.

"The boys are getting drunk," Isabelle reported. "We just need to get door that only opens on the out side open."

"I can do that," I said. With that I shifted into a mouse and squeezed out under the door I then shifted back and quietly opened the door. We creeped outside and then just ran. We ran for hours on pure adrenaline. We only stopped when we were before the castle. We went up the stairs, not knowing what to expect.

The woman who answered the door studied us then ushered us inside and got us clean clothing hot showers and a decent human meal. For the first time since I met Akull I felt safe.

.

It doesn't matter what I want

It doesn't matter what I need

It doesn't matter if I cry

Don't matter if I bleed

-Alison Kraus & Union Station

.

We were introduced to every person there who had been with Akull at any time. All of them had similar stories to mine and were very kind. It was a day later when disaster struck. I heard noise downstairs and went to investigate. Akull was there fighting several vampires. The vampires were forced to back off when Akull's reinforcements came in.

"Hey there, Red," he said almost looking personable. I felt myself shaking with my fear. "If you come down these stairs right now and beg for my forgiveness I might not kill you."

I'm not quite sure what possessed me at that moment but I glared at him feeling all the self esteem and confidence that I had lost come back. "No," I said raising my head. "You can kill me but I'll never be your victim again." The other girls were behind me. They cheered. Akull's face darkened.

"Then I'll settle for killing you," he growled. The vampires were rushing up the stairs. We did fight and Alaza and Mikaine's people tried to help but it was no use. They knocked us unconscious and drug us out. I woke up in a cell with no windows and no cracks or anything in the walls. There was a light and some paper and a pen.

I began writing this because I know Akull will one day be killed and then I'll be forgotten. I wrote this so that that wouldn't happen. And I know he's coming right now. He's going to kill me, I know that, I've accepted it. But it doesn't matter. I haven't been alive for years.

.

The winter here's cold, and bitter

It's chilled us to the bone.

We haven't seen the sun for weeks

Too long too far from home.

I feel just like I'm sinking

And I claw for solid ground.

I'm pulled down by the undertow,

I never thought I could feel so low,

Oh darkness I feel like letting go.

-Sarah McLachlan