Annoyed by blonde cheerleaders? Oppressed by brain-dead football players? Fed up with the mindless sheep who haunt every corridor, follow every trend, BRUTALLY MURDER INDIVIDUALITY? Well, I am. I wrote a lovely rant on the subject, which follows. Power to the freaks, geeks, and SQUIRRELS in the soullessly evil miasma which is the American public school system. Gabba gabba hey! -E

**Alas, Life as a Lemming**

Our high school is renowned for many things: phenomenal sports programs, academic excellence, and being a hotbed of Machiavellian political maneuvering.
Well, perhaps not that last bit, but then how else does one explain the complicated social system that has evolved among its students?
Simple. Blame the media. Or possibly the government. Either way, these are versatile excuses that can be adjusted to fit all your finger- pointing needs! However, social status and stratification among high school students is a topic far more complex and troubling than rap music (which apparently is an excuse for antisocial men to curse continuously as mysterious bangs are heard in the background) or even President Bush's pronunciation of the word "nuclear" (he seems cursed by migrating vowels).

Popularity, loosely defined, is being not only acceptable to the general student body but emulated, admired and extremely visible. It is the Holy Grail in the quest through high school. Many seek, but few attain the perfect combination of qualities necessary for social dominance: good looks, charisma, fashion sense, and, of course, rich parents. Also preferable is athletic talent, an attitude of studied indifference to one's surroundings, and/or overuse of the words "like" and "dude" (and certain terms that are inappropriate for publication). Not to mention the vital ability to heap sustained scorn on the undesirables of the social scene and the apparent possession of levels of self-esteem normally associated with severe megalomania.
Ah, self-esteem! One of the time-honored tenets of elementary school sociology, as taught by the counselor during valuable class time, along with "Do the right thing: rat out your friends!", "Obey authority without question," and "You won't learn that until Responsible Social Behavior in fifth grade, Timmy." Of course, that's when the fundamentals for popularity are laid: in elementary school, when social class was directly proportional to the amount of Disney merchandising tie-ins one owned. From the first time we were told "You are all individuals!" (to which we would all dutifully nod in agreement, except for the Future Inmates of America wreaking havoc in the block corner), some aspired to greater social status.

To be truly popular, I think, one must be neither a complete conformist or an individual, but a balance of the two. You have to be individual enough to set the trends ahead of the crowd, but conformist enough to be told what trends to set by the media and persecute those who do not, as well as attracting mindless sheep who will follow your every decree. For those who do not pretend to be idiots and follow the guidelines set by the "popular" group, a life of ridicule and torment begins. I know this from experience, and may I state that it is extremely annoying when those who tease you do not appreciate the creative insults aimed in their general direction. "You have the approximate I.Q. of a pickled beet," will only arouse a smug "heh heh" from them.
Well, that's why they invented genetic engineering. What is more satisfying than transforming your enemies into three-headed turtles? Nothing! Bwah hahahahah!!!! All you have to do is somehow procure access to the biology teachers' secret supply cabinet.
Ah, well, perhaps it improves. I have heard that people "don't care" about popularity in later grades, but I have my doubts. One can never have a truly classless society. Just look at Russia. At first it started out pretty well, but soon enough Siberia was experiencing a dramatic increase in population. The only stage of development that equality could be remotely observed, I suppose, was in the very earliest days of humanity, and even then Og was probably more admired than Ugga because of his skills in the field of mammoth mutilation.
However, I think that popularity and social status in high school have very little relevance to the real world. Potential employers themselves were likely not spectacularly popular in high school. After all, being Homecoming king or head cheerleader is no guarantee that you won't end up asking people if they want fries with that for the rest of your life.